in this thread. I read his tone as regretful. Like he had been blindsided: the thread started out as the kind of thread where he could make that joke, and he was sorry it had taken such a tragic turn.
I didn’t see the referenced movie, though, so I might feel differently if the joke were obvious just from the mention of the title. Anyway, I don’t think EvilTOJ was trying to fly under the radar. Especially since his was the first, or almost the first, reply after the update, so it would have still been sinking in.
Yes, OF COURSE the feelings of the person whose joke was ruined by a father announcing the terminal illness of his child are more important than that of the parent.
I know a lot of you have diarrhea of the fingers and that the race to make unfunny jokes as quickly as you can is a Dopetime national sport, but there’s always the option of you know, not saying anything if you can’t form a response worthy of a proper human being.
I didn’t think it was out of line either. Sometimes jokes are good in the face of bad news, even unsaid jokes like that one. Having said that you MUST know your audience and he probably doesn’t so…
Edit: I’ll finish my thought. So he probably shouldn’t have made the comment but I didn’t think it warranted Mod action.
There are times when you Just Don’t Joke, not even indirectly, not even to say you were going to make a joke about X, but now you won’t. This is one of them.
Jesus.
This actually happened to me not too long ago. In a conversation with several people, I and another person inadvertently made a (lame) joke that referenced something horrible that had happened to a third person who was there. We didn’t realize what we were doing until it was out of our mouths. Person 3 had to leave the room and compose themself. We apologized profusely and were forgiven (Person 3 understood that it was inadvertent), but we still felt about this big. I still regret the incident, even though it was inadvertent.
That was accidental. This was deliberate. Way worse, IMHO.
^I fail to see how your response would have been any more or less accidental than his. He deliberately tried to not say a joke, but, in doing so, accidentally made it. You didn’t deliberately try to not say the joke, and still accidentally made it.
Plus, I’m not sure that the idea that there are times when you don’t make jokes is a universal phenomenon. Y’all made jokes about 9/11, of all things, even though every comedian wouldn’t touch it. For some people, jokes during hard times are cathartic, and to assume the person is trying to be a jerk when they even flat out say they are trying to avoid being one is misguided.
That said, I don’t really have a problem with Mod action, as it is within the moderating purview to explain to someone that they accidentally did something that could be perceived as being jerkish (though I would be upset if he were actually punished). I just don’t like the implication that EvilTOJ was intentionally trying to be a jerk.
But how could anyone NOT realize he was out of line? No offense, but seriously? The guy said his infant has a terminal condition, he just found out about it. That’s not really a time for kidding.
I don’t even know what joke he was even referring to.
What’s so hard to understand about the idea that someone doesn’t have to post every lame thought that flits through their heads? The appropriate response is to offer sympathy, or say nothing. Fucking period. Good God, there’s a lot of socially maladjusted people on this board.
What the hell does EvilTOJ need catharsis for? It’s not his thread, it’s not his situation and it sure as fuck isn’t his place to decide that humor is appropriate. Yes, sometimes humor can be used to as a coping mechanism during stressful times, but that’s up for the person under stress to decide, not some tactless stranger on on the internet with spastic fingers and no empathy.
Again, he could have avoided all this wondering about his intentions (which don’t actually matter, as far as I’m concerned) if he had just not. said. anything.
I didn’t think he was kidding. I thought he was saying, he came into the thread thinking it would be another parent thread with no permanent damage, found out it wasn’t, and in a roundabout way, was registering shock and dismay.
ETA: And I don’t know the joke either, so as I said, that may temper my reaction.
Well, his roundabout way sucked. A better way for him to register his shock and dismay would have been to offer sincere condolences like every other person in the thread managed to do, or to not post at all.
Imagine a post in GD that read: “I came in here intending to call you a pathetic douchebag with the morals of a syphillitic whore, but then I realized that would be overkill. I’m sure glad I didn’t say that!” Would you really buy that the poster was sincere? Or is he trying to weasel his way around the rules? I’m sure if a mod warned said poster after the remark, the poster would likely also claim “why, I was trying not to insult anyone! I specifically said I wasn’t calling him a pathetic douchebag with the morals of a syphillitic whore!” Would you give this guy marks too for “trying” to avoid being insulting?
The backdoor joke is a form of rhetoric and is much used on the SDMB and elsewhere. I believe that’s what EvilTOJ was attempting – an attempt to have his cake and eat it too, a way of showing off (“look what a clever boy I am! I have an irrepressable joke and I simply must share my wit with the SDMB!”) while winking at the rules. (And not the rules of the board, but of normal social discourse.)
And it backfired, as it deserved to. EvilTOJ deserved the moderator intervention. Even in the tiny possibility that he was sincere, maybe this will teach him a lesson about how to behave like a compassionate human being in the face of a real-life tragic circumstances.
So the “jokes” made by aceplace57, The Second Stone and thirdname were perfectly okay when it was still just a “my 4-month old infant is seriously ill” thread?
The thread title was changed. It started as something similar to my baby has a big head. The OP said that the Doctor “didn’t seem concerned at the last meeting.” Everyone thought it was a minor condition, treatable with a special kind of pillow. A bit of kidding is perfectly okay in such circumstances. No blame whatsoever for aceplace57, **The Second Stone **and thirdname. Even so, I bet they are feeling pretty lousy.
EvilTOJ’s comment was probably the most insensitive thing I’ve seen on this message board. Utterly out of line. The only thing wrong with the moderator note was that it wasn’t severe enough.
Yeah, great, but it was a really rotten way to do it. One can register shock and dismay without making a lame and hurtful joke. I was also thinking something along the lines of what FloatyGimpy said:
I’ll give another example: At a family gathering, I asked the question, “Does anyone know what [prominent black person, might have been Obama]'s favorite food is?” (I knew what it was and I had some point that I don’t remember now.)
My sister said, “If Dad were here, he’d probably say watermelon.”
Way to go, sis. You managed to make the racist comment while “blaming” it on Dad. Hardy har har. Now you’re BOTH jerks.
Rather than overexamine EvilTOJ’s actions and Mod responses, looking to censure or justify someone’s actions, why not simply look at it as an unfortunate post and a mild corrective and move on?
No Warning was issued, so EvilTOJ is not harmed.
At the same time, there is now a visible note in the thread that should prevent irate posters from inflaming the thread with attacks on EvilTOJ as well as a reminder to any clueless participants that the thread has taken a serious turn that precludes any further humor that might be offensive.
(It has the added benefit from the Mods’ perspective that it should reduce the number of Reported Posts they might otherwise receive regarding EvilTOJ’s post.)