Hello:
I don’t know how long this will remain on the board, because posts of mine tend to vanish from time to time, but allow me to introduce myself. I am MarkSerlin, A.K.A. Serlnel, A.K.A. Skribbler, ChromiumGrin (I liked that one) and CopperTears. I am, according to many of the ‘elite clique’ and administration, a troll like no other.
I’m posting for several reasons, one is to allow those of you out there to understand why I keep coming back and because I was duly betrayed and shafted by the most respected Satan himself, after explaining to him that there were certain suggestions of his that, at the time, I could not follow, (including this one to ‘tell all’) and why. Satan, however, being a superior being, knows all about psychology and declined to accept the excuses, even after I told him more about me than I’ve mentioned on the board, taking him into confidence.
I also explained myself to Lynn Bodoni, who goes by the rules, only the rules and nothing but the rules, except where the ‘elite clique’ are concerned. Yes, there is one.
Quickly now. I am a bipolar depressive, with an anxiety affective syndrome, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder. (Pay attention to the last diagnosis.) I am, or was, of above average intelligence, having had careers of responsibility in medicine, psychiatrics, overnight couriers, and department stores. I am a recovering alcoholic. I’ve not taken a drink since 1994.
I became disabled in 1995. I’ve been depressed for roughly 20 years or so before then, but handled it.
I’ve been fighting ever since for treatment. Disability resources are low. I’ve written 250 letters to the government, gained a little and lost a bunch. I lost my home, my health and my truck struggling to survive on $785 a month when my bills were $975. Unable to afford private therapy, I get it from a clinic which is under funded. I’ve been through 6 therapists. Most of them quit to go to higher paying jobs, some were victims of cutbacks. I get some of my medication for free from my medication doctor and illegally for free from another source because they are too expensive for me to buy. I live in a cheaper place now. Medicaid, in it’s infinite wisdom, has decided that at $785 a month, I make too much money to get prescription benefits.
They also go exactly by the rules. Make $1.00 over their limit per month and you get dumped.
I still fight, after all of these years, for basic medical treatment and psychiatric care. Governor Chiles interceded for me when no one would work on an abscessed tooth and got me treatment.
Because I cannot afford the bills of private therapy, what I had estimated to be only two years before being able to go back to work has now grown into 6 and shows little sign of ending. I rely on the joke that is Social Security Disability.
I go through mood swings. From abysmal, suicidal depression to invigorating but not often smart, ‘manic’ stages. I went from being people oriented to being suspicious, mistrustful, and avoiding them. I don’t feel good most of the time. The Obsessive Compulsive behavior means I fixate on some things. At it’s worst, it would take me up to 20 minutes to leave my home just to go to the store. I HAD to make sure that light switch was off by checking it 50 times, while breathing in a certain way and the whole time, tension from knowing this is NUTS built up inside. I had to check the knobs on my gas stove before leaving to make sure they were positioned exactly at off, going from left to right and back again, muttering a ‘mantra’ of ‘thisisoff-thisisoff’ while breathing in a certain way. Sometimes I had to enter or exit doorways on a CERTAIN foot or in a CERTAIN way. Shopping could be a mess because I could pass anything and suddenly have to go back, pass it again in a certain way and again and have to hide it all from anyone watching. Driving could be fun because if I spotted something in the road, I might have to turn around, go back and just look at it because I did not see it clearly.
Drinking made it easier to avoid, but I drank far too much. So, I gave up drinking, which was not easy, because I was under a lot of pressure and heavily depressed. I detoxed at home, alone, while I had pneumonia caught by working too many hours and being too tired. Later, I started treatment for depression and went through 6 or 8 types of medication that gave me nasty side effects, including trembling, blurred vision, problems in thinking, problems in feeling, problem in eating, problems in walking. I either slept a lot or very little. I either felt like I was going insane, like I was going to die, experienced panic attacks, or had so many mood swings in a day that I had to warn friends that if I asked them to leave, to do so and please don’t take offense. Shopping in stores got rough because people pissed me off and I had to often dump everything and leave before I punched out some mouthy, shaven headed kid or a fat mamma with her squealing, noisy, dirty brood.
Now, I use Paxil 60 mgm a day. I’m MUCH more stable, though I have a little of the OCD left that pops up in odd ways, like when my mouse went belly up, I HAD to get another, not being willing to use the mouse keys, not caring that my bank account was empty. I bounced a check deliberately to get a new mouse and paid a $25 fee on top of the cost. Sometimes I MUST overextend my budget on stupid things, knowing that I cannot afford or really even NEED them.
That’s how it is with the SDMB. I MUST come back to it. I started off by pissing people off when I posted when in an aggressive and angry mood change. It did not help any when I went manicky and responded to ‘nasty’ posts in a nasty way and refused to back down. Sometimes I posted stupid stuff when locked in heavy depression, then created sock puppets to try to alleviate the hostility generated by my original screen name. One day I tried to lock myself off of the board by ludicrously posting a ‘confession’ because things had gotten out of hand. I was banned. I returned. 150+ posts later, I was banned again. I changed my posting attitude, made it a point not to post when in a hostile mode, learned that posting when depressed was useless on many levels and actually went to other boards, but returned to the SDMB.
I get banned. I return. I’m there now. I apologize to those who I offend, but I HAVE to return. Until I can afford to get better, more expensive medication, I’m locked in a very slow recovery. While I’m doing quite well now, I still have bad days. To me, a normal day would be to you a ‘gray’ or somewhat gloomy one, in which I’m tired most of the time, don’t have much energy to do things and avoid most human contact. Sex is pretty much out of the question. Paxil not only affects the physical stuff but knocks the libido down tremendously. I suppose that’s OK because I don’t trust any girls enough to get to know them close enough to have sex. I don’t particularly trust anyone.
(With Satan, I see my mistrust was justified.)
I had an extensive, remarkable, interesting and varied career before this ‘disease’ knocked me down. I still cannot work, because my memory gets spotty and agoraphobia means I don’t like being around people. I shop at night, when the store is mostly empty. The many hobbies I used to enjoy do not appeal to me anymore. Where people used to tell me their problems all of the time, I no longer want to listen to them. The only goals I have now are winning the Florida lottery and getting better.
I adjusted and monitored my posting to become more acceptable, but still get kicked off because of the iron clad rules of once banned, always banned. Through the computer, I mainly interact with folks, finding that more desirable than face to face.
I’m posting this because the SDMB seems infested with righteous squealers who have learned my style and run to the mods. To all of you out there, changing screen names is a pain. I’m not coming back to be mean or to see what I can get away with. I keep returning because the compulsion makes me. At least I’ve managed to control what I post. So, when you detect me out there again, just remember that I have little control over this, especially since it is not a danger to myself or others.
Personally, I think I’ve done quite well. I’m sober, much less depressed, got past assorted nasty drug reactions, have managed to get somewhat continuous therapy where others gave up and accepted being ‘cut off’, got the government involved, have food, shelter, power and cable, have started having less reactions around people, am thinking clearer, obtained a supply of good medication, have most of the OCD under control and if I do have an anxiety reaction, it is no longer a major one. I’m a survivor. Plus, I’m still fighting to get well and many government officials know me by name. I have a file folder full of senatorial letters.
So, kick me off if you want, but remember, I’m not doing this out of meanness nor fun.
OK, the vultures can come out now.