May you find the answers to your questions, both silent and spoken, Morrison’s Lament. And may your path be the right one for you.
But, selfishly, I have to admit I would not like to see the end of you. Journey with care.
Maybe I missed a thread, but are you sick? or just depressed? (not just depressed - as in big deal, but ‘just depressed’ as in ‘not terminal’.)
If you are terminal, make your peace with your family and friends, get your stuff in order, go somewhere pretty and take many many pills. My mother has been dying for two years. Two years! I get to say good bye to her every day, every time the phone rings: is it THE call?? Once you get that ‘terminal’ diagnosis, you are dead anyway, you just get to prolong the misery.
Sorry, not feeling overly cheerful myself lately.
I’m really sorry about your mother Kelli 
No, I’m not dying from a physical illness myself. I’m just pondering how long I’m going to be able to go through with this sharade of waking up every morning and going through the motions.
I hope you can make the most of whatever time you have left with your mother…
— G. Raven
There are a couple of basic truths in this life that can either console you or piss you off… but they will always be there, regardless.
The first is something my grandma told me: “Life is basically what you make of it.” It’s so simple… and yet, it really is true. If you wake up every morning and dont want to be there… you behave in a manner that reflects this school of thought, things -wont- get better. Simple as that.
The second is a quote from Richard Bach:
“Argue for your limitations and they’ll surely be yours.”
Tell yourself you cant make it another day, and you can’t. Tell yourself it’ll all be okay and in time, it will be.
I suffer from “mild” manic-depression. When I hit bottom, I hit bottom. I wake up every morning with the weight of the worlds futility resting firmly on my shoulders and then I remind myself, “This too shall pass.” And it does. In time, all things pass. Including this opportunity in your life to live and learn and experience.
I won’t tell you not to kill yourself. People die every day. One more wont make or break the universe. But as someone who’s been there… if you’ve lost the fear of dying, you are capable of almost anything! Do what everyone else is afraid of. Dont die cold and alone.
I dont know if you have any family but a good friend of mine’s sister killed herself in a cheap motel room a few years ago… and my friend still breaks down on a regular basis over this. Her sister will forever be shrouded in turin of desperation and the image of her small, frail body full of drugs and her face covered in plastic.
But its your universe… heal it, destroy it, or just leave it there to atrophy. But at least realize that it’s all up to you.