Oh, that’s easy then. There’s no reason to continue. You should stop.
Not true at all.
I think giving him the school/job/military ultimatum sooner rather than waiting until he graduates is a great idea and I’m going to sit him down and have that conversation very soon.
I think letting go the reigns a little bit and trusting that he’ll grow up and start making better choices is also good advice. It’s better than the haranguing, stress and disapointment we’ve all been living with for the better part of the past 4 years.
I think hearing people sharing their own experience with their kids or simply being ‘that’ kid was helpful. It doesn’t offer a solution but it’s encouraging to know that I’ve not missed something obvious and helps to know that sometimes that’s just the way some kids are and it doesn’t mean disasater is inevitable.
Finally, I hope, but don’t know for sure, that allowing him to get his driver’s license and access to a car will instill responsibility. I believe this because he has been very responsible when it comes to his part time job, which he’s been exceptionally consciencious about - leading me to believe that left to his own devices, he CAN rise to the challenge.
You can’t even bring yourself to not give him a car. Do you honestly think you’re going to manage to follow through with booting him out of the house?
That’s not a criticism, by the way. I’m just saying think hard before you throw any ultimatums out there. I’m sure he does not plan to hang around indefinitely not working or going to school after he graduates, so why be so heavy-handed? It’s just another useless stick. How about a conversation starter like “Let’s talk about what you want to do after high school,” and see what he has to say? Taking a year off from school to live at home and work full time might be a good thing for him. Or finding an opportunity to work overseas somewhere for a year. Or an internship somewhere. Sit down at the computer with him and help him investigate what’s out there. Go to his school guidance counselor with him and see if they have any useful suggestions that may spark his interest. Even if he has unrealistic ideas, don’t shoot them down. At this point, even a crazy dream is better that no interest in anything to pursue.
Boot out of the house at 18 plus a day is not part of the ultimatum. Have a job and pay rent or study, if he wants to live with me will be the condition.
There isn’t a single box above that I haven’t already checked and re-checked with him.
He WANTS to go to college. He simply doesn’t want to work for the marks to get there. Which is completely unrealistic of him, but he’s 15 and maybe it’s not as obvious to him as to some other kids his age. Also, it’s become a habit for him to pull out a pass in the last minute. Perhaps he’s just conditioned to think that will work with college as well. It won’t and he’s on the road to learn that lesson.
But he might just be SAYING he wants to college because he knows that’s what you want to hear. He may be on the fence about it in his own head, and he probably does not really even know what going to college or any career would really be like. How can he? He’s only fifteen.
Have you started visiting college campuses with him yet? Admissions offices? Even your local community college admissions office and spending some time on the campus may help him get a concrete idea in his head that means more than anything he hears. They may even offer some fun classes high school students can take right now or over the summer–art, filmmaking, music, etc.
The only other thing have to say is… pick your battles.
Getting in a power struggle with a 15 year old over whether or not he changed the sheets and/or put a mattress pad on the mattress isn’t going to get you anywhere, and is likely counterproductive. He probably views that as overly intrusive, micromanaging and dickish behavior on your part, while you’re viewing it as disrespect and disregarding your desires as his father.
Neither is exactly true; as a teenager, he needs to have almost complete freedom in the little things like that, and guided freedom in bigger things.
I suspect if things like changing the sheets is the kind of thing you’re clashing on, it’s probably likely that he’s apathetic as a sort of rebellion to doing ANYTHING you’re asking him to do.
That’s why I asked what the mattress cover is for. It matters.
My job as a parent is to keep my children physically safe and to prevent property damage to things I am ultimately responsible for, like the apartment I rent and the objects in it (like appliances, shelves and mattresses) that I will have to replace if they are damaged.
The kids get to worry about their comfort, including mattress covers, blankets or lack thereof, whether they wear pajamas or their clothes to bed, and even the level of mess in their bedroom (short of food items that attract pests which, again, I’m responsible for exterminating if they get in.)
Don’t want to wear a coat? Fine. Being cold is a better teacher than nagging. Want to bring a giant stuffed animal to the store? Fine, but I’m not carrying it. Tired arms or a lost stuffed animal are better teachers than me pleading for you to be reasonable.
If the mattress cover is needed to protect the mattress, it’s my area of concern. If it’s there because I think you’ll be more comfortable with a mattress cover, I’m worrying about your area of concerns.
As luck would have it, yes, we have. His sister in a freshman in college. We went on multiple college campus visit trips. He was very interested in coming along to see what it’s like. Additionally he’s been to visit her and to see what living in a dorm is like, etc. So while he hasn’t sat with us to fill out the applications, he was there to witness the process from application to admission.
And yes, he may just be saying that without a specific career path in mind. But I also think he realizes that he can’t buy a car on a lifeguard salary. Yes, we sat down and did the math when he got the brilliant idea in his head that he’d like to buy himself a jeep in a year or two. That was an eye opener for him. First of many, I hope.
This really isn’t about the mattress cover. I think you understand that.
I think kids these days are programmed to say they want to go to college. For years now, attending a four year university immediately after high school has been considered the right thing to do. The best thing to do. Anyone who doesn’t, is somehow a little less. Falling a little short of the mark. Kids get asked as young as 6th grade what colleges they’re thinking about. My son had to do a report on a college for a college fair in 8th grade, where he was supposed to pick a school that had a great program for what he was interested in. There was not option for do a report on learning a trade or other forms of post-high school education.
My son has a whole speech down for when people ask him what he wants to study and what colleges he’s looking at. I didn’t realize it until I overheard him talking to a friend of a friend Tuesday evening who asked him about his plans. It actually sounded rehearsed. Computer science, this great college, that university, etc. I know he hates this question more than anything so I shouldn’t be surprised that he has an answer he can just recite to well meaning people who ask about his college plans.
No it isn’t but her point which I think you’re missing is that unless you want everything to be a battle is to limit your battles to those things you truly care about.
You clearly want to fight the battle over the mattress pad so go ahead.
The power struggle theory raises more questions than answers, IMO.
Most teens want to assert their will. Most resent being dominated by their parents and will find ways to subvert their authority to the extent they can without getting into excess trouble. What most teens don’t do is throw their future away just because their parents insist on C’s instead of D’s and F’s.
So if this is really a power struggle, why would it manifest like this? It suggests that the kid feels like he has zero control over his life. Why would he feel this way? Simply because his dad has expressed disappointment about his grades? I’m not buying this.
No, I do not. I’m saying that recently I’ve come to realize while it is about the mattress cover for me (because just put it the fuck on because I ask and let’s all live our lives) it’s not about the mattress cover for him (because here’s my dad micromanaging how I want to live my life - I’ll show him!).
I’m intrigued and you have my attention. Go on. 
<no sarcasm intended>
I do. Totally. Just wanted to make sure you understood that this isn’t really about the mattress cover. 
Who said anything about a mattress cover? 
Because he can. Because the kid hasn’t been able to assert his independence over silly things like mattress covers, while he has been able to assert his independence at school. Because it is literally impossible to make your kid turn his homework in, even if you can make sure he does it and brings it to school.
If you really think this about a need for power, he needs counseling. Because something more pathological than typical teenage angst is going on.
I’m skeptical that this really it, though. This could be because I can’t relate to the "power struggle’ concept, as I wasn’t a particularly angsty teenager. For me, doing well in school and staying out of trouble was the path of least resistance, so that was the path I took. It was also the path that made me feel safe and secure within myself. Thwarting the will of my parents, just for the sake of it, never gave me any intrinsic or extrinsic rewards, so I didn’t do it.
What makes your son feel safe and secure within himself? What characteristics define him, in his mind? Are they positive? Or are they negative? His behavior suggests he’s sees himself as a passive and indifferent underachiever. This is the script he’s sticking to and for whatever reason, he is content with this self-image. Or he has resigned himself to this self-image, and resents any suggestion that he isn’t this way.
I don’t think it would hurt to have him talk to a psychologist, regardless of if he’s caught in a power struggle or if he has low self-esteem.
This has occurred to me on more than one occasion - that he might benefit from talking to a therapist who could help him deal with whatever seems to be holding him back from his real potential. I even broached the subject with him about whether or not he thought that might be something he’d like to try on for size, just a few conversations. His response was fairly resounding, no, “You think I’m going to talk to a complete stranger about this stuff? I’m just going to sit there if you make me go. Don’t waste your money.”
Now, maybe it’s teen aged boy bravado talking. But he openly talks about friends who are on meds for ADD, etc… and how they kid around each other openly about someone missing their meds that day. So I hardly think there’s much stigma among his peers that is attached to the idea of getting some professional help. He’s simply not interested in doing so.
Not a satisfying response, since it could apply to anyone. Any kid could decide it’s better to make F’s and piss Dad off than to make A’s and lose a little freedom and independence. Just like any of us could decide to pick up a gun and shoot random people on the street.
The vast majority of kids don’t flunk classes just to feel powerful.
And frankly, this is just silly. A parent who takes issue with an improperly made bed is a dime a dozen, and yet their kids aren’t destined for destruction.
What’s funny is that while the OP has attracted criticism for expressing displeasure about the mattress pad, I’m over here thinking the problem is that the kid feels way too comfortable with saying “because I don’t feel like it”. Even the most shiftless of kids would’ve at least said “because I forgot to” or some other excuse.
I’m not trying to be mean, but come on. Do you really expect him to say “gollee Dad, therapy sounds great, sign me up!” If you could trust him to know what’s really in his best interest, he wouldn’t be in his current situation, now would he? So obviously he isn’t going to want to do therapy.
If he was cutting himself or starving himself, you wouldn’t care whether or not he was interested in therapy.