I'm so fucking lonely

The BBQ Pit
101

Blalron,
I feel for ya. My ex-wife & I split up last april. I was devastated. All I wanted was for an attractive young woman to want to touch me. My ex told me to ge out & get laid. I was just too broken to do that. I had to start small. What I mean by that is: I made it a point to introduce myself to every woman at work. It didn’t matter if they were 18 or 50, if she weighed 90 pounds or 300; I made friends with all of them.

I found things to do, to learn about. I worked on my body, started lifting weights. I worked on myself and the need to be touched gradually diminished. I started dating , and most of the women I saw this summer are good friends. In november a very pretty young woman chased me down. I’ve dated a few woman since and been intimate with a couple of them. I meet about 3 new women a week, get their phone #s, have a date or two every week.

So my advice is: start small.

  1. Work on yourself. Get a hobby besides reading fantasy novels, something where you actually produce or fix something. If you find something that you like and become good at it, you’ll feel more confident. Work out. If you like the way you look & feel, you’ll project more confidence. Women are attracted to confidence on a man like men are attracted to breasts on a woman.

  2. Meet as many women as you can. You won’t date most of them. of those that you do date, you won’t have sex with most of them (I’m guessing). Of those that you date & have sex with, maybe you’ll hook up with one. Maybe not. But I really believe that if you feel confident about yourself and have a busy social life, you’ll get enough interaction that you won’t feel terrible.

102

Hmm.

Well, it wouldn’t be about sex in my case. Maybe Blalron is too young to realise the difference?

103

Yes, how old are you, Blalron?

104

18

105

Shit, I had a good response typed up, but my browser crashed, and it’s gone forever.

Anyway, you have a lot to learn. Don’t worry; life will teach you. Go back and read what Manda JO and Sam Stone said, cause they’re both very wise.

106

I agree with this statement. Not that I am one to speak, but if anything you will feel better about yourself and not care so much. I have been lifting, running, etc for nearly a year now, and my confidence levels have skyrocketed. I feel good about myself, even though I don’t have a woman currently, I feel more in control, and it is wonderful being strong and being able to walk 20 feet without huffing and puffing. This alone is worth more than just picking up babes.

There are many things you can do to get back into things. Like others have said- join some groups. If you are into fantasy, go play Magic the Gathering at some local comic book stores, hang around the extroverts and go party with them. (there are some party animals that play MTG) Go hang out at your local Barnes and Nobles poetry reading night. (around here, the first friday of the month, around 7PM) Grab a friend and be a regular at Perkins or Denny’s. Every Saturday or Friday night around the same time. (make sure it is a time when there is quite a few cute waitresses)
Hang out at the zoo once or twice a month, smile often, learn to laugh and make a friend laugh. Drag a friend to an art museum, a science center, or a historical mansion or something. Start small, study those that have a way with people and pick apart how they act mentally to see how you think they do it. Practice on your friends. Make them laugh with your growing newfound wit, your worldliness, and your new passion in life. Nobody, girls nor guys want some sad moping friend/girlfriend dragging them down. Everybody wants to have fun and laugh. It takes practice, dedication and a willingness to change how you percieve the world around you and react to it.

Aristotle said “We are what we repeatedly do, Excellence then is not an act, but a habit”.

Keep that in mind. If you want to be seen as confident, suave and interesting- You must be so, at all times. Even when there are not girls around.

107

OK, 18yo female here.

It seems to me like you’re trying too hard. Looking at your strategy, if it were me it would seem kind of weird. I mean, you don’t talk at all, don’t seem to show any interest in what I have to say, and then you ask me for my number out of the blue? My first response is going to be to blow you off, honestly. My suggestion, like a couple other folks, is to get involved in some kind of group. Random suggestions (depending of course on what your hs/college/area has to offer): drama, tap dance, gym membership, D&D circle, community service organization, art class, raquetball, book club, swimming/diving lessons, foreign language class, etc. Pick something because it seems interesting, make sure it’s not something you know you’ll hate. And once you get there, don’t treat the girls you meet as personal flotation devices to lift you up out of your misery. Get to know them as people, and then, if you still have an interest in a particular woman as a person (not just T&A), ask her out for coffee after the meeting of the whatever. Start slow (well, more slowly than previously), and try not to be needy.
Most importantly, you need to have a life that you will be satisfied in regardless of your dating status. Without that, all this advice is so many pearls before swine.

108

Have you tried online dating services? I think its a good way to make new friends.

109

Funny thing is, these aren’t strangers I ask. Just this past week I asked for (and didn’t get) phone numbers from girls I chatted with in class pretty much everyday for the past couple months.

And the girl who was into fantasy books: I had a good 15 minute conversation with her before I asked for the phone number. And we had talked before on several occasions before that (albeit briefly). It wasn’t out of the blue to someone I never spoke with.

sigh

110

You need to have a plausible reason to be asking for their numbers. In the case of the fantasy book girl, you might say, “Gosh, I feel exactly the same way about Robert Jordan! Aw, shoot. I’ve got to run and meet someone. Tell you what, can I give you a call next weekend and maybe we can get together for coffee and talk about how Radagast is a pussy? Cool. See you!”

It’s all in the context and the tone, boy. If you’re just saying “Can I have your number?” you’ve got a lot to learn.

111

Wait, wait, wait…you’re only 18?

What the…sigh Look kid, I know you probably think this is the biggest thing in the whole entire world right now, and you just know that finding a girlfriend RIGHT THIS MINUTE is the only thing that will end your unendurable pain, but seriously…get over yourself.

You’re only 18 years old, for Christ’s sakes! You have all the time in the world to settle down and find your perfect size 6 dream girl. Think about what you are saying for a minute. You’re still a kid, no matter what you and your friends may think, and judging by your attitude, you’re likely to remain a kid for quite some time. Finding an SO really should not be the #1 priority in your life at this time. Jeez. I thought being 18 was all about going to school, working a crappy job, and doing ridiculous things with ridiculous friends that in later life will be fondly remebered with a small shake of the head. At least, that’s what 18 was for me- I certainly wasn’t on some epic quest to find my soulmate.

Blalron you need to quit with this whole beating your breast and gnashing your teeth in the abyssmal depths of loneliness garbage. Just go out and enjoy your life, enjoy being young and relatively care-free, do silly things and work hard at school, and leave the worrying about dying alone for your later years. Asking a girl you’ve talked to casually a few times for her phone number is not the best thing to do, though. Ask her to get coffee with you or something. Something non-committal, a seemingly one-off thing. Getting the digits is more of a committment than some people realize- it means you may have to deal with this person in future, repeatedly, and it’s information they now possess about you that they can use to annoy you. (Indeed, many’s the time I’d have rather just gotten coffee than given somebody my number.) Going for coffee is also a friendly thing, with no overt sexual overtones. Calling someone’s house is. This may be frightening girls away. Well, that and your obvious pathetic desperation. CONCEAL THIS AT ALL COSTS, or everyone you meet will flee from you in fear. Nobody likes a clingy person who’s constantly screaming “LOVE ME!!!” at everyone they meet.

MandaJo, Cranky, & Juniper- I hear what you’re all saying. I think I was a little confused at first. I definitely agree that humans are social animals who thrive on physical contact. We all need a hug every now and again. I was confusing the OP’s need to touch people with some bizarre sexual urge, and from reading more of his posts, I’m not sure I was too far off the mark. IMO, it sounds like he’s another frustrated teen in the deadly grip of his raging hormones who’s confusing a need for meaningful interaction with a desire to get laid. As others in this thread pointed out, there’s a huge difference between loneliness and sexual frustration. Loneliness can be solved by making friends, and at base has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. The need for human contact is not a sexual one; it’s born of, again, our social nature. But the OP doesn’t seem to be talking about any of that- his discussion of his standards, and using words like ‘popular’ point in this direction. He just wants to get laid, but in his mind, this translates to “being lonely”.

And if ‘having sex on a regular basis = not lonely’ for this kid, he’s gonna have one hell of a hard road through this life, and more than likely a shattering come-uppance in his first serious relationship.

112

** Blalron
[/quote]

This says to me that in social situations you pay alot of attention to the other guys and constantly compare yourself to them, using the number of girls that talk to them as the yardstick. You’re obsessed with “shinning”. The one thing you aren’t thinking about is, um, the girl you’re talking to. Do oyu see the problem here?

You’re spending too much time worried about the future, worrying about how you measure up to other guys, worring about how if only things were differnet, then you could shine. All this is perfectly normal at your age, but you’ll be much better off once you grow out of it. The world is what it is, and you have to learn how to deal with it.

One additional suggestion I can make is that if you have nothing to say in large social situations, you are hanging out ith the wrong people–they bore you, even if youdon’t realize it. Do some of the things on ** Epimetheus’s** excellent list: in fact, do all of them. When you get to ones that you actually like (and you may be suprised which ones those are, so go to all of them), you will find you have plenty to say.

Lastly, I assume you re starting college in the fall. College is stuffed with cool, single girls, but 99% of them would rather be single than be with someone as self-centered as you.
ANd I have to close with this line, cause I love it so much:

Super Gnat

113

Waitaminit 18… 18, EIGHTEEN?!
Oh fercrissakes go touch yourself like a normal 18yr old…

114

Look, I do want sex.

But I would truly and honestly at this point settle on a date… just a freakin date. Talking over a cup of coffee, or taking a walk. Something to prove that all girls won’t treat me like I’m radioactive. Maybe I came off as a selfish prick, but with all that I’ve been through with females not even wanting to get to know me better, I felt the need to “gnashing my teeth in the abyssmal depths of loneliness”.

115

I, I, me, I . . . do you see a pattern here? If you want women to be interested in getting to know you better, you have to be interested in them–not interested in their opinion of you, which is what you are now. You need to be interested in them for their own sake. That’s what it means not to be a selfish prick, always wondering what this girl can do for you, or to you, as the case may be, and never actually wondering about the girl herself.

116

Thanks Manda JO!

Blalron, just go for the coffee thing. Don’t put so much emphasis on “getting the digits”. Maybe ask for number/IM after one or two repetitions of the coffee/walk/whatever. Question: the girls you ask, how do they act around you after you ask them? How do you act around them?

117

I can’t know more about them if they won’t let me know more about them.

Basically I try to be casual about it and it’s no big deal if they don’t give me their number, then I change the subject. Then later on I privately mull over it.

118

I am getting the distinct impression that you don’t really want to know more about them–you don’t really care. You just want someone to care about you. I really suspect that if you can learn to be really interested in other people–interested in learning what they like ,what they hate, their memories, thier quirks, their dreams, their fears–if you really care about that sort of thing, people will be more than happy to open up to you. When people are talking ,really listen, and then ask questions that are not designed to show how witty you are, but are designed to get them to talk more. Stop the litney that goes through your head at large social gatherings: “How do I look? Should I stand like this or like that? Was that thing I said funny? Does she think I’m funny? Would she give me her phone number if I asked? Does she think I’m cute? Oh, I just said a stupid thing, I suck so bad, I am sure she dosen’t like me . . .”

119

Blalron,

You are a LAME ASS. Girls don’t want you because you are a LAME ASS. You seem to think that if you just get a girl, you will somehow magically stop being a LAME ASS.

:rolleyes:
Years ago I had a friend like you. Except he was about 25. He was what you will likely become: a big, fat, hairy, loser. All I ever heard from him was how much he sucked because every one thought he was LAME ASS and no woman in the whole wide world would want his huge, smelly ass. He was my friend because I thought he had the potential to be someone worth knowing. Unfortunately, he never realized it.

Don’t be that guy. Forget about girls for a while and work on yourself. Work on NOT being a LAME ASS. It will be hard work because your Lame Ass Factor is clearly very high but don’t give up.

Burn all of your fantasy shit. :mad:

Get in shape.

Grow a personality.

Eventually, the girls will come.
Sorry if this is harsh, but everyone’s been so nice to you (in the pit, no less!) and you really deserve a bitch slap.

120

Anaximenes, you are a genius sir. Your deep insight into my situation has provided me with definitive answers. I’ll get right to work on “growing a personality” and on “not being a lameass”!! To think that the solution was so simple!

I’ll go deal with this problem on my own. Posting this was a terrible idea. Obviously I must be a needy fat smelly lameass as Anaximenes and others have pointed out. There’s no chance that I might be a decent guy who girls overlook because of my shyness. Nope, I’m a lameass, that’s the answer.