Because I have bonded with the OP’s husband after reading these judicious complains, I’ll take this one: it’s because he doesn’t love her. :rolleyes:
Bell choir… the guy is a saint!
Missed this:
That cross doesn’t match your shoes.
Chin up Fair Lillith you missed the “Giro d’Italia”, it was back in May.
Serious response here.
Lillith Fair, you’ve said your husband cleans as much or more than you do. He cooks as much as you do. He wants to spend time with you – heck, he’s trying to share the hobby he feels most passionate about (cycling) with you. He wants to include you on cross-country business trips when he obviously doesn’t have to do so. (Just as info, many men would rather lose an organ than take their wife on four-day business trips.) He bought you a freakin’ car, for Pete’s sake.
Stacked up against this, we have:
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He didn’t want to see a movie on Sunday. (Speaking of which, was it a particular movie you wanted to see? Maybe he didn’t want to see THAT movie.)
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He left his pen in his pants.
You mentioned in the OP that he never wants to do the things you’re interested in. It’s okay to have hobbies and interests your spouse doesn’t care about. For example, you’re free to tell him you don’t want to ride a bike with him ever again. It’s cool when spouses share interests and hobbies, but it’s not mandatory.
So, you’ve got a husband who cares about you, who does a lot of chores around the house, who has kept himself in good to excellent shape for several years, who is willing to buy you expensive things occasionally, and who wants to spend time with you. His biggest failing, apparently, is that he’s not a mind-reader.
It’s your call on how long you want to stay mad about the pen situation, but from where I’m sitting, you seem to have a pretty good spouse there. Sure, he could be more attentive to what you want, but he won’t KNOW what you want if you don’t TELL him. Don’t want to keep walking to find a restaurant? Tell him. Really, really want to see a movie? Tell him. Feeling neglected because he doesn’t want to participate in your hobbies? Tell him.
He still may not change his ways, but at least you’ll have the issues on the table, rather than you two guessing about what’s going on and being upset.
Binarydrone, I laughed out loud at your “hugs” post.
Yeah, that’s pretty fucked up, all right. He really should have a Nintendo DS. The games are a lot better than the ones on most cell phones.
Maybe she (the OP) deserves a bit more than an overgrown 12 year old who is rude enough to play games on a cell phone when he should be paying attention to his wife’s concert. (example used for purposes of discussion only)
How entitlied does this guy feel, anyway?
I would hazard a guess here that the OP, while appreciating the help around the house and the cooking, would PREFER that the husband actually act like he gives a shit about her, as a person–not as a wife, mother(?), cycling partner etc. A little thoughtfulness goes a long way.
I sincerely hope the OP hashes this out with her husband–but these are not just “her problems”. The husband doesn’t get a pass just because he sometimes cleans up and cooks and takes her to SF (when she didn’t even want to go-how nice is that? Again, her needs/priorities/wants are not even considered. I’ll lay money that the OP is wanting so bad to be SEEN as herself–and appreciated (and no, that does not mean a dozen red roses–it means thoughtful consideration for her welfare).
I am waaaay too close to this in real life to keep this argument going. It hits too damn close to home. Good luck, Lillith --I hope your husband is concerned enough to actually listen to your concerns, instead of dismissing them or mocking them, as is happening in this thread.
I would wager that yes, indeed, the people of both groups are composed of both men and women.
Shit. Please excise the phrase “the people of” from my last post.
From the sound of things they will soon be blood stains.
He probably feels entitled to know what the hell he’s doing wrong, that a pen left in a pocket by mistake causes his wife to consider packing a bag and leaving. He probably feels entitled to hear about potentially life-altering problems from his spouse, rather than learning about them when the door slams.
I disagree completely. Unless she actually TALKS TO THE MAN, these are completely “her problems.” My guess is, he has no earthly idea that she’s feeling so stressed out. Stacked up against many husbands in the Western world, he comes off looking almost saint-like, by the OP’s own descriptions.
Note: I’m not saying it’s wrong for Lillith Fair to feel the way she does. But there’s a huge disconnect somewhere, and it appears to be her fault. How can her husband even attempt to work with her on stuff if she doesn’t tell him how she’s feeling?
Now, granted, she could sit down with her husband, bare her soul, and the end result of the conversation would be squat. Her husband could claim her wants/needs/feelings are not worth his time, and he wasn’t going to change his ways regardless. THAT would be the time to seriously consider packing a bag and leaving, if one were so inclined.
I think we have differing opinions as to what a “saintly” male spouse would be. And while we’re on the subject-who wants a saint? How tedious to live with that .
Other than that, I agree with you. She is entitled to her feelings and she also needs to share her concerns with her husband.
Sadly, I have been that last route(the not changing bit) mentioned in your final paragraph innumerable times. I am done. I hope that the OP is not and can salvage something and rebuild (more like reinforce–I doubt things are as bad as they seem; she was very upset when she posted).
Well, he was trying to be discreet. And he was suitably embarassed when I caught him. And to his credit, Lillith Fair wasn’t actually performing at that moment, it was either intermission or during another performer, I can’t remember which…and she knits during the sermon at church (she’s the organist!). And I had a book with me I was dying to pull out and read. And he’s not the sociable type to talk to people around him, not even to me, so it kept him from dozing off. I was just impressed that he was there, and without the excuse of having to bring the daughter along.
I aim to please. Let me know if I should send some sugary fluffy clouds your way.
Real men use pencils. The ink won’t run when you spill beer on it.
I am no relationship expert but it looks to me like, based on this, that heterosexuals should NOT GET MARRIED.
It just leads to trouble.
:redheaded smiley:
After 18 years of marriage to a man, I have come to the conclusion that if I want a thoughtful, caring, nurturing spouse, I need to become a lesbian. Subtletly is wasted on men. So abandon it as a tactic, right along with pouting. Screaming works in extreme circustances, but I’ve found it’s best to deal with men in a calm, straightforward manner.
“I am getting very impatient looking for restaurants. You have five minutes to find one or I will walk into the one of my choosing and dine on my own.”
And then, like successful parenting, you have to follow through. After 5 minutes, walk into a restaurant and have a nice meal.
You can’t be a doormat unless you allow yourself to be one. That doesn’t necessarily translate to bitchy either. It’s just standing up for yourself.
Amen, PunditLisa, amen! I spent the first few years of my marriage wondering why living with my husband was so different from living with my (female) roommates. Why did I have to spell everything out? Why didn’t he notice when my responses seemed off? It was soooo frustrating–not to mention that I interpreted his lack of response to a lack of interest.
It took a while, but then I started to realize that men & women process information completely differently. I’ve learned to s-p-e-l-l it out when things bother me. I’ve learned that because I need to tell him what I want for my birthday (NOT a new DustBuster thankyouverymuch), it doesn’t mean that he’s not anxious to make my birthday special. And just because he seems clueless, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know or understand me, it just means that we react differently to the same stimuli.
I should also say that over the years, he’s learned to quit expecting me to think like a man.
Like an adult? It’s not that we can’t recognize it, it’s just that we don’t want to reinforce this obnoxious behaviour. Worked for your husband apparently.
It’s kind of a pet peeve of mine. These “tactics” are insulting and can usually be seen a mile away.
Who can relieve you of your self-imposed sense of obligation?
Oh, c’mon Maureen. Are you denying that women are crazy?
Fer’ sure we are. That’s what makes us so intriguing. 
There’s a sense of perspective lacking here, but not the one you think. I’m writing as a single woman in her mid-thirties, never been married. I’ve been in “domestic partnerships” with several people-- some with boyfriends, some with platonic housemates of both genders, gay and straight. Here’s what it comes down to:
Hell is other people.
Let me backpedal now a little bit. It is nice having another person around, esp. if that person is someone you love, have sex with, etc., but in any event, living with another decent person can make life much easier. However, I can tell you something you’ve forgotten, having lived with the same man for so long-- it ain’t just your husband who’s a freak. Ladies, it ain’t just straight men who are obtuse, selfish pains in the sometimes. It’s the human condition.
It’s hard to live in close quarters with other people. Everyone’s different; some people handle cohabitation better than others in general, but every shared living situation experiences highly tense, infuriating, bastardly moments like the OP’s. Stuff happens that makes you want to kill the other person, who you normally like or even love, because it’s just the last. fucking. time. you can stand that particular thing, or that pattern of things, or that type of thing, whatever it is.
You’ve been putting up with it. You know it’s a small thing. It’s petty. Maybe you’ve asked him/her to do this, or not do this, calmly, several times. Maybe he or she did something else really obnoxious, or maybe 5 something elses, that day. You’re done. You can’t take it anymore! You must scream or leave or kill someone. I have felt that way about several of my housemates, even though I’m still close friends with everyone I’ve lived with in the past decade. Yes, you’re normal. Even if this fight about the pen escalates into a full-blown disaster replete with walkabout, you’re normal. We don’t know the whole story and we couldn’t possibly judge your situation from where we sit. That’s the bottom line. Human relations are complicated and byzantine and inscrutable. We here on this Dope thread are only the most passing of spectators.
Bottom line about your situation, Lilith Fair: I don’t know what to tell you (yeah, that’s helpful). Usually I just lose my temper and tell the person off, which may or may not make me feel better or solve anything. I’ve been trying to be a lot more verbal and straightforward and less with the emotional implications with my current housemate, but I think it’s a lot easier because he’s just a platonic friend and I don’t need him to psychically know how I feel at all times.
My point (and I do have one), is that your freak-out is not necessarily a symptom of the drudgery of a long marriage, your bitchiness, his freakishness, menopause, or any of that. It’s could be just a function of cohabitation with another human for a prolonged period of time. I hate for these conversations to get bogged down in issues of gender or relationship status. You’re two human beings who get on each other’s nerves sometimes. Resolve it like two human beings, and don’t be persuaded to just blame it on his chromosomes or your glands. I usually take time out and spend it alone, with myself and maybe my pets, or my other friends. A nice long breather can work wonders.