I'm so sick of everything

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m really really running out of patience for all the crap I have to go through. It’s all really really stupid stuff and it is driving me to exhaustion.

I guess some of it is big stuff. Manic-depression. A few hopeless romanitic obsessions. The loss of twelve thousand dollars (the only big chunk of money I ever expect to have in my life) last weekend. A budding and unfocused self-destructive urge (don’t worry- no suicide) But really, I’m so used to dealing with all that big stuff that it barely bothers me that I’ve spent the last year so damn sad that I’ve nearly completely broken ties with reality. I can’t even remember last summer. I just walked around town crying a lot. I fall asleep crying. I wake up crying. I’m so fucking sad that it feels like it’s all I’ve ever known. I’m way past being upset about that.

What bothers me is a lot simpler. What bothers me is that the bus only comes once an hour. I remember the halcyon days when I lived on three bus routes and could get anywhere I wanted whenever I felt like it. But now I am stuck to one bus that always seems to come just on time to get me where I need to be fifty minutes early or ten minutes late. My whole life is a slave to that damn bus. Everything I want to do takes at least an hour and a half longer than it would if I had a car.Oh, God forbid someone give me a ride! God forbid my boyfriend take fifteen minutes out of his day to save what is sometimes an hour and twenty minute trip. No, he was raised to be self reliant. He was raised to believe that you ought to wave goodbye to your girlfriend as she leaves for school an hour before you leave from your work even though you could easily take five minutes to drop her off on the way to work. His answer? Get a car.

Get a car. Ha. The cost of car payents on the cheapest car possible, insurance, registration and gas add up to well over my entire living expenses for the month. I am so fucking poor. I get enough financial aid to cover my rent, and my mom used to send me money for food. But for some reason she just stopped. But I havn’t stopped needing to eat. I have lost forty fucking pounds in five months. I can’t afford anything. I’m living off of a costco box of microwave popcorn I got for christmas and a big bag of dried lentils I bought in more prosperous times. I break down pretty often and go out to eat, but at this point everything I spend is coming out of next month’s rent money and I have no justification for buying anything. Ever. I’ll spend all afternoon debateing on if it is justified to buy a cup of coffee for fifty cents. Don’t even ask me what I’m going to do in a couple of month when I graduate with a worthless degree in the least affordable town in America during the worst job market in decades. They are going to stop sending me financial aid checks, and I’m gonna have a big zero in my bank account and a big six hundred dollar rent check due and there is going to be nothing I can do.

So it’s the bus for me. Tommrow I have to go up to school in the morning for a lighting workshop (I’m a film major). I can’t not go. I’m a good student, and I am excellent at what I do. But for whatever reason that I’m not even going to speculate, I didn’t get into the senior project. Which means instead of spending the quarter making a film- and most likely having the most fun, productive and useful time of my life- I’m taking a class where your write about sixty pages of essay through the quarter. Oh yeah, I also get to take the lamest production class ever. With the very teacher that rejected me. The teacher that I managed to completly break down in front of (as in crying until I am short of breathe and naseous) when I met to ask why they rejected me. Unfortunely, I might actually get something out of this class with him, and damned if I’m gonna get less out of my education just because I’m a little upset…

So I’ve been doing a bit over the top, just to make him feel bad. I’m good. He knows that. And he’s gonna keep realizeing exactly who it was he rejected every damn moment of this class because I am going to show him that I’ll stay inspired and self-motivated even in the face of complete humiliation and overwhelming bitterness. In light of that, I showed up to an optional lecture tonight, where the lecturer kept mentioning a lighting workshop he is putting on tommorow. I asked him about the lighting workshop and he said it was totally cool if I went. So I went to talk about the logistics with my teacher, and he said that the workshop was only open to people in “classes where they do actual production (e.g. the one I was rejected from)” and there wouldn’t be room for me but I could show up anyway and hope someone left early. So of course I have to go. It might be a useful workshop, and if there isn’t room for me, at least my teacher will get to see a bright, motivated, extremely good student have to turn around and leave a chance to spend her Saturday morning learning and improving herself.

Which means I have to catch a bus an hour and twenty minture before the class starts. For what would be a fifteen minute car ride. And now it’s one thirty and between the time I started this rant and the time I’m ending it my boyfriend managed to get out of bed and go to sleep in the other room because I’ve been crying too loud. Wish me luck and think of me between the hours of eight forty and ten when I am stuck on bus just trying to make my way through life even though everything is so much harder than it needs to be.

2

Harsh BF you got there, even. Can’t give his girlfriend a ride? What an asshat. Raised to be self-reliant, my ass.

3

sigh

even sven- First off, you know that you are loved here. The SDMB is a great big hug waiting to happen, if you just give it time.

I’m going to make some predictions… you’re going to get people that are going to suggest medication for your depression. Probably a good idea, and if it’s already being done, maybe you need to re-evaluate your med situation.

Transportation- I was always under the impression that Santa Cruz is not that large. Maybe you could pick up a bicycle at Goodwill or something? Beyond that, I’m clueless. See, the transportation thing is closly linked with…

Money- The bane of all evil. It isn’t mentioned if you have a job or not. If you don’t have one, I suggest finding one. Maybe a temp service can find you a weekend job. Or something. Babysitting. Hell, check out the local coffee shops. My friend Shelly got a job in one down in Santa Cruz, so it can’t be too hard. Once you get enough extra cash coming in you should start doing small things, like eating, and sleeping regularly.

the Boyfriend- Well, he sounds like an ass. If my girl had been crying that heavily for weeks, and was crying so much it woke me up, I would cosh her over the head and drag her to a psych eval or something. Your boy should be there to help you and support you. It sounds to me like he’s not. Beyond that, I don’t know. I don’t know you all that well, and I sure don’t know him.

Keep checking this thread. Keep posting here, so we know if what we’re saying is helping at all. Please?

4

I’m finding this really horrifying.

5

Yep, you got me. even sven, I really hope you are seeing a professional. Since you are a student, you should be able to get some help at school, but if not, check out the psychology department clinic. They are usually free or low cost and they can refer you to a psychiatrist for meds. Bipolar disorder almost always requires meds. There are a few choices these days, so if you are on something and feeling this badly, you need to be reevaluated.

Secondly, good for you for being so motivated in terms of your work at school. That kind of attitude and work ethic will pay off in the long run, I promise.

I gotta agree with GMRyujin and Tristan about the BF. He sounds like a selfish ass to me. Depression/bipolar disorder/any mental illness can make folks put up with more than they should from an SO? Could you be doing that?

Hang in there. I know that sounds trite, but I hope things get better soon.

6

At my school, we get something like 20 free sessions with a counselor, I’d hope they have something similar at her school.

Bipolar definitely needs to be treated somehow; meds, talking, or otherwise. It’s a nasty illness.

7

Aha, already I’ve detected a flaw in my cunning plan. She’s a poor student, she’ll have no money for meds. Hmmm.

8

And if my GF was crying loud enough to wake me up and I just meandered out to find another place to sleep, I’d probably be single real fast. YMMV.

9

My mom gets samples from her psychiatrist. Some meds (lithium included, I think) are cheap. Money may be an issue for meds, but I would still recommend checking into that option, because you might find a way to get them.

Slight hijack–one thing that kills me about the mental health system is that there are hoops to jump through. People who are depressed don’t do hoops well. :frowning:

10

I’m always confused when somebody lists all the incredible stressors she’s under and then says she’s depressed, and the conclusion is that the depression is not due to all those stressors but due to an imbalance of some kind that can be fixed with meds.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about the ride? Have you explained to him what it means? I know I’ve stewed in resentment before because people didn’t do very small things that would have made my life easier when the fact is that they didn’t realise that would have helped. If you have asked, then a new boyfriend is in order, methinks, not to mention a different house and/or a bicycle (a suggestion I second).

About the food: nobody can expect to have energy and stamina eating as you are. I know it could be a blow to your pride, but do they have food banks there? I know, for example, there are student-run coops at McGill and Concordia here in Mtl that provide extremely cheap lunches to students (the one at Concordia is called the People’s Potato). Have you asked your mom howcome she stopped the food money? Have you mentioned to her what your situation is like?

Please understand, even, I’m not asking these questions in a sarcastic way. I’ve been in the depths, and so have most of my friends, and sometimes it just looks so horrible we can’t necessarily see things around us that might help.

{{{ hugs }}} from a fellow poor student

11

Well, if I may get on my psych-major soapbox for an instant, it’s because for so long, mental disorders haven’t been recognized as a medical problem, they’ve been basically a personal failing. Why would someone need treatment for depression? They’re just sad, they need to smile more! Some people I know are geuninely shocked (or refuse to believe) that depression actually has a lot to do with brain chemistry and such, they do not “just need to smile more”.

12

And, matt, the reason I didn’t talk about the stressors is even’s manic depression, which isn’t purely stress-based.

13

It isn’t the stressors, matt-mcl, it is how we deal with them. I work with people who have newly diagnosed spinal cord injuries. Guys who have been shot or in a car wreck and probably won’t walk again. Pretty big stressor, IMHO. Very few of them are classically depressed, which involves hopelessness, thoughts of death, etc. One way to think about depression is that it is a pervasive hopeless world view. My favorite analogy is looking through the world with gray-colored glasses.

As GMRyujin pointed out, clinical depression (and most especially bipolar disorder) are largely biochemical. Relieving stressors, although it is temporarily helpful, is not the full answer. Life is full of stressors. People whose brains tell them all is hopeless can’t deal with the stress in the ways that most of us can.

14

You need a new bf or no bf at all immediately. Are you stuck with him because you live together and can’t afford to be on your own? I don’t get it. June isn’t too far off and then most of the current stresses from which you suffer will be gone, replaced by new ones to be sure but change will be good.

Try to hang in there and get help from Student Health while you are still a student and it’s free.

Haj

15

I’d see about moving closer to campus. I know there’s always flyers up here looking for roomies, even if it’s for just a few months. That’s assuming you can get out of your lease or whatever. You’d have a lot more free time, as well, which would give you some time to relax. Though if you’re both on the lease, they may let one of you back out without any complications.

16

At my school students get free counseling as long as they are full time, I also got free samples of Zoloft from a December to the following April because I couldn’t pay and I was NOT going to tell my parents something was wrong. (Once they found out they started to pay, and then the following semester I became more self-reliant; I now pay for my books, my meds, and any money I need to buy extra mealcard money (over what my parents bought in at), and other useless crap that any college student needs. (money for late night Counseling Sessions at Denny’s[sup]TM[/SUP] comes to mind.)

At least try to go to a few counseling sessions and get the bf thing worked out. It sounds like you need to talk to someone.

{{hugs}}

/Shadez

17

Hon, that boyfriend has got to go. I’m going to assume that part of the reason you’re still with him is that it makes rent cheaper. Do you have some other friends you might be able to move in with? Anyone who won’t take fifteen minutes out of his morning, even once in awhile, to spare you an hour and a half on the bus, anyone who goes in the other room to sleep when you’re crying and crying because it’s keeping him up…well, this is the Pit, but even so I can’t quite bring myself to use the language that deserves.

I’m going to second (or tenth, or whatever) the recommendation to see if your campus student health service can provide some kind of therapy, at least to get you through the school year.

Money generally is a big stress. This is going to sound facetious, but is there a work-study job available at someplace on campus that serves food? My faculty club job in school staved off malnutrition the semester I had 89 cents to buy food with. Also ditto moving closer to campus.

You’ll be okay, the semester is nearly through (assuming your school has semesters), and you can spend the summer temping or whatever will get you some bucks.

But whatever you do, ditch the boyfriend.

18

In my own personal experience the school pshychology department counseling services weren’t much help. I attended one school and worked with another, so I had two options and tried them both. Both of them told me in so many words “Hey, we’re just students here, your problems are too deap seated for us to handle. You need to go to an experienced professional”. Of course, even sven, YMMV.

BUT, one thing that was wonderful was the student health services! Very nominal fees for OVs and meds. If you havn’t already, give them a try.

Also, I know it’s easy to walk in our own shoes and pass judgement on someone else’s life, but…$600 for rent? WITH a roommate? Surely, surely there’s somthing better out there than that! Heck, rent a room! I have lived close to many colleges and there’s always a plethora of little old ladies looking to make a little extra cash. When I went back to school I even had a five year old son and I still managed to find very reasonable housing. Being by myself it would have really been a breeze. And you could probably find something within walking distance of school.

And, like some have already suggested, it is really unreasonable to think you can live on financail aid alone. That’s why most students, barring a rich daddy or an inheritance, get fin aid and work. No, it’s not easy or ideal, and you may have to cut your hours per semester and stretch it out some, but it beats living off popcorn.

But, I may be full of sh*t, being as I don’t know all the details of your life. If so, just ignore me!

19

Welcome to California. That’s a very reasonable price for a “cheap” rental.

Haj

20

Yowza! Check outthese rents!

Cali’s a beautiful state, but the COL is ridiculous.