I'm so sick of everything

I’m awake now and things are a bit sunnier. You guys are really great. Clearly something has to be done. My experience with the college couciler’s hasn’t been so good, and my experiences with drugs have left me too dizzy and naseous and tired to go to school, and with ten week quarters I can’t afford to be messed up for the two weeks while I ajust (not to mention they were giving me the wrong drugs for a bipolar person- which I surely am). I do have two more months of health insurance left though, so maybe I will try to see those councilers.

No matter what I do, something is going to change when I graduate. I’ve been looking around for dirt cheap rents, but they arn’t out there. My six hundred a month buys me a bed in the living room of a rotting shack with mold in the walls on the railroad tracks. I’ve been looking hard and even sharing a room with a couple of total strangers will only save me fifty bucks or so. I might just move out of town. San Francisco isn’t much more expensive than here and there are more oppertunities for film people. Who knows? Maybe this cinemeatographer guy will give me a job today. He mentioned he likes to employ UCSC students.

But THANK YOU ALL. I’m completely moved by you guys. There really is love and goodness out there in this world. I’d have never though humanity would redeem itself on in internet messege board, but really it has. There are some angels out there.

Thank you. Now it’s time to go kick some butt at this workshop.

i am new but i’d just like to say, good luck and tell us all how it goes when u get back from the workshop!

Best of luck to you. I can’t say I’ve been in equally dire straits, but I’ve been a poor student and I know, it sucks. There are a couple things I thought I’d suggest to help you scrape up some cash.

Do you have a lot of old textbooks? I went through my collection really critically to see what I needed to keep and sold off a large portion of it on eBay and Half.com during my senior year. It netted me about three times as much as what I could have optimistically gotten at the university bookstore. I was a history major also and when I was short of cash I went to a university booksale and put about $20 down on history books on popular topics and got about five times that reselling them. If you’re really strapped, you might think about selling plasma - I hate to suggest it given how low on food you are, but if you’re frugal $20 from that could buy a lot at the grocery store.

Also, I have to say, you might want to take a critical look at your relationship. I don’t want to pry into your business, but the guy doesn’t sound very… well, good for you.

I got in here late and everyone else has taken up the good ideas, but I just want to say good luck, listen to fellow Dopers as they seem to always know what to do, and I hope that guy hires you.

(Also, I looked at rent in Santa Cruz, and I’ll also add one to the chorus of “HOLY FUCK.”)

I too am picking up this thread late in the game. Hang in there; I’m glad to see the morning found you in brighter spirits.

I know that last summer you and I talked via e-mail, and I at least found that helpful for what I was going through at the time. Feel free to e-mail me if you’d like.

Dumb question, but wouldn’t the ideal place for a film-type person be Los Angeles?

Being poor sucks. Best of luck, even sven.

even sven, are you a graduate student or an undergrad?

Everyone else has given you great advice, even sven , so I’ll just offer a hug and an email box should you ever need to chat. I’ve been on the low end of depression, too, and it’s not fun - and sometimes, there’s nothing anyone can say to make it better. And having been a starving writer in NYC for four years, I understand why you’re worried about getting a job after graduation.

And San Francisco’s a great idea. From what I understand they’re really up and coming in terms of film and television. It’s a difficult business, but you’re definitey a step ahead with the degree. And not to be a downer, but there will probably be many more nights like the one that you’ve just experienced. I had plenty of them myself. You just have to decide how long you want to put up with them - and if staying in the business is worth it. It sounds like it would be worth it in your case.

Good luck to you. Again, if you ever need to talk, my inbox is always open.

Ava

I don’t know what else to say except:

{{{{even sven}}}

I’ve been there and done that-depression wise. It sucks.

SC fuckin sucks hard core, both for transportation and for rent. even sven, your description of your place sounds exactly like the places all my friends have lived when they were there. And while it does have a small-town feel (and is filled with hicks), it sprawls like crazy so it does take a year to get from anywhere to anywhere else, and all the places to live are in the cuts and the public transportation really blows.

My sympathies, sven. If you ever want to talk to somebody feel free to email or IM me if you think it would help at all. Good luck with everything… things will change.

Also chiming in here to say that my e-mail box is almost always open. Except when it’s too full. Or on Mondays.

sigh

I’m glad things are looking better today. I know how hard it can be, from both sides, but you are strong (anyone from here that makes it through school isn’t weak…) and have a HUGE support network in place.

Keep us posted on the job thing. I’ve got one tiny connection, and I’ll see what may be out there in your neck of the woods…

I guess transferring to Berkeley, or another campus with decent transportation, is out of the question, but I’ll go ahead and tell you what saved my life: pizza.

No, I didn’t buy it – I made it. Working at Blondie’s Pizza for minimum wage got me one free meal every day, and it was a meal dripping with calories and nutrients. I still lost the last 10 pounds I had to spare (I weighed 138 lbs., which is quite ridiculous for a man 5’11" who lifts weights – I looked like a frickin’ elf), but it kept me going until I found a real job. Well, the pizza and the cheapest food I could find – bananas, potatoes, and ramen.

These were the lean months right after I graduated from college – couldn’t find a job, forced to hunt for an apartment right after graduation (cost me a fortune), and my parents were prepared to cut me off because I wouldn’t move back home. I was determined to make it on my own, and when the money ran out I was prepared to walk in front of a bus. Fortunately, that “real job” showed up before I came to that threshold.

Nightrabbit, I’m a undergrad.

Wow, I managed to snag two job offers today. One as a grip and one as an…ummmm…dominatrix. The lighting workshop was great and I met some really good people and got a lot of job hunting advice (apparently an acceptable way of getting a job is to go to a movie shoot and refuse to leave until someone gives you something to do- who knew?) And it looks like there are some kind of prospects for me making rent money somehow. I’ve always kind of doubted the stuff they’ve been teaching us in school about cinematography. But this workshop was run by a working cinematographer who wanted to get us familier with a real paying non-student-film set. And nothing he did was unfamilier. I knew all the equiptment and most of the techniques he was using, and it gives me some confidence that I have actual marketable skills and wouldn’t be completely overwhelmed on a real job.

The boyfriend is out of town for the weekend so it’s just me and the cat curling up and eating popcorn and listening to the rain. Its almost pretty pleasant. I’m still not okay, but I’m not actively crying so thats got to be some kind of improvment.

I still can’t believe complete strangers would reach out to me like this. It’s amazing that some of the pure unadultured good in the universe exists in such a strange place. It means so much to me that I’m not completely alone. It’s been a tough night and a tough year and a tough few years before that. And you guys really have helped me through all of that. Thank you.

Whoooooah!!! Brakes!!!

You don’t think you can just drop the whole “Dominatrix” thing there and not expound on it? Do you?
In all seriousness, I’m soo glad you found something. From what I understand of the business you’re trying to break into, once you’ve got a good recommendation, it’s like having a BIG foot in the door. You can just say “Yeah, I worked with Joel on his last project.” and if the project was a success, or at least your part was a success, it’s a huge boost to your marketability.

Keep us posted. We do care, despite you’re weird dominatrixing habit. :smiley:

I hope this works out well for you - get the money, and pay off your rent, but the VERY NEXT THING YOU SHOULD DO is get some decent food into you. Popcorn just isn’t good enough. A couple cans of diced tomatoes, whatever veggies you can chop up and a couple of hours can make a fairly large amount of pasta sauce - its still a lot healthier than popcorn! My SO and I can eat 5-7 meals on one making of sauce, and actual pasta is CHEAP. Imagine what you can do as a single person! Take care of your health now, and not just mentally. Rice is cheap, and filling, and it is possible to get certain fruits and veggies for not-too much. I know that you’re REALLY having trouble financially, but I really think you should make this more of a priority in your life.

I’m also going to suggest that you sit down with your boyfriend and tell him whats up, and compromise on something. It sounds like he isn’t there for you at all, and that’s not fair to you. Reconsider the relationship, if he’s not willing to budge.

And if these job offers don’t provide quite enough money…consider something like working for Burger King - it’s a crappy job, but better than nothing.

Just keep holding on, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, and everything will work out!

You were right to go to that workshop. I work in theatre, but I think the “rules” are the same for all of us lighting folks. The experiences you get in the “real world” are so much more important/meaningful than class-work. Just keep trying, take jobs that seem stupid but pay the bills, and know that you are going to have to starve for a while before you get your break. The most important thing I can think of for you is name recognition. Get a crappy job and work in film for free if you have to. My first gig payed $80/WEEK, but it led to bigger and better things. Just get out there. Most people will hire someone who is nice and a hard worker over an asshole who knows exactly what to do. Keep trying, hang in there, etc. Things will get better.
Oh, and ditch the bf.
-tool

Just realized that I may sound a little snotty in my post. I do not mean to imply that you don’t know what you’re doing.

No offense meant.
-tool

Is there a food shelf nearby? It ain’t gonna be haute cuisine, but it’s gotta be better than popcorn.

Try the food bank at Second Harvest.

I didn’t realize until some years after the fact that I qualified for food stamps when I was in college. This was many years ago, and the rules may have changed, but you might want to look into that as well.

Regards,
Shodan

Wow, the boyfriend’s mom just bought us three bags of groceries. I’ve got tamales and cheese and mushrooms and beans and frozen dinners galore! Amazing.

About the dominatrix thing…well…I just emailed on asking what it took to be one, and she said to give her a call…It’s a little scary, but I do like the idea of guys paying me three hundred bucks an hour to order them around.