I had a long day at work on a fairly weird shift today. I got off work at 10:00pm, and decided to pick up a few groceries before coming home. After collecting my basketful of goods, I proceeded to the lone open checkout aisle, where I encountered a rather extensive line of people waiting for a young trainee cashier to ring them all through. I’m just assuming she was a trainee; I had never seen her working there before, things were moving extremely slowly, and she looked thoroughly panicked.
Cue entrance of Loudmouth Bastard in the queue behind me.
Loudmouth Bastard is an idiot – I’d say possibly even retarded, but my perception could have been skewed by his dirty clothes, pungent aroma of urine, and completely ridiculous cap. You know those multi-colored fleece ski caps with the bells and everything? Picture one of those on a toothless, grizzled bum, and you might have some idea of this man’s image.
Loudmouth Bastard feels it his duty to complain loudly at the back of this line of people who, aside from himself, await patiently for their progression to the till. He bespeaked his dissatisfaction With the tact and elegance of a royal courtier - except the complete opposite.
“God, I DON’T beeLEEEEVE it!”
“MAAAaan!”
“JeeeSUS keeeREYST!”
“What the… MAAAAN!”
Repeated over, and over, and over. And just when I was SURE I could unerringly predict his next utterance, he began to mix up his script a little…
“God… MAAAaan! What the… JEEEsus, I DON’T beeeLEEEEEVE it!”
It was more than a little off-putting. People in front of me in line began to show irritation at the wait… not because they had to wait, but because they had to listen to Loudmouth Bastard’s up-to-the-second commentary on the situation. The poor cashier, meanwhile, grew considerably more flustered with the growing pressure and began making mistakes… scanning items twice accidentally & needing a supervisor to remove them from the tally, forgetting to ask for coupons before giving the total, etc. And whoever the heck Melinda was, she was nowhere near any of the loudspeakers which were pleading for her to open another checkout aisle.
And still, Loudmouth Bastard continued… because, you know the more frequently and more loudly you complain, the more others will bend over backwards and kiss your ass when its time for your retribution, right?
“JAYSiZ KRIPES! JERK! What the… I don’t BELIEVE IT! I’ma leave, man! I swear to…”
fraaaaaaaaaablababaptbrump
I cut a fart so loud the cashier dropped a canteloupe. Every pair of eyes in the column ahead of me turned in astonishment to look… at Loudmouth Bastard. I turned as well, with a look of pure fury (despite the pleasure of the release) and yelled, “Don’t even TRY to blame me for THAT, asshat!”
Well, he turned bright red & stomped off to Melinda’s aisle where a new queue had at long last begun to form up. I had a short wait to be checked out with the trainee… it’s amazing how fast a fart can disperse a crowd. As she began scanning through my groceries, I asked her casually how her night was going.
“Much better, now,” was her reply.
