What with all the crazy governers in the news, I am fed up with the whole lot of whining self-centered hypocritical lying pond scum. Actually, the pols that aren’t in the news are often just as bad. Really, I think we should ship all the Pubs and Dems off to Siberia (or possibly Mars) and start over again. Since that’s not practical, I’m starting my own party.
My party is going to be called the Sensible Acountable Nonpartisan Ethical Party, or the SANE Party for short. We’ll take anyone, left, right or center, but you’ll have to abide by certain guidelines.
RATIONAL DISCOURSE
Fact- Based Arguments. SANE politicians will be expected to back up their posistion with logical arguments. Mouthing patriotic catchphrases while somehow avoiding actual discussion is NOT acceptable.
RIGHT: “I believe that we should have universal health care, because there are many people who can’t afford basic medicine.”
RIGHT: “I belive we shouldn’t have universal health care because such systems tend to be inefficiant and slow.”
WRONG: “As a proud American who kisses the flag first thing every morning when he gets up, I say that private health care is our God-given right as Americans! Those bleeding-heart socialist liberals want to turn us into Canadians, but by God Almighty, they won’t succeed.”
Personal Attacks. In a word, don’t. It’s beneath your dignity, and it won’t help anything. Also, your political opponents? They, for the most part, are only trying to do what they think is best for their country. Really, they’re not fire-breathing socialists/facists/terrorists hell-bent on destroying America. You don’t have to agree with them- that’s why they’re your opponents in the first place- but your problem should be with the viewpoint, not the person:
RIGHT: “Senator Smartypants says that we should spend five million dollars on research into national frongulation. However, we’ve been waiting ten years for the frongulaters to come up with an affordable plan. Instead of throwing our money after a pipedream, let’s instead invest in the quadular otoobal method.”
WRONG: “Again, Senator Smartypants wants to throw away taxpayers’ hard-earned money on her pet project. Remember, Smartypants once had an affair with her hairdresser’s brother’s wife’s school teacher’s pet poodle. With a track record like that, it is really suprising that she continues to throw good money after bad?”
Also, I’m adding an addendum to Godwin’s Law. It’s called Dubya’s Law: “He who cries ‘terrorists’ loses the debate”. There is a time and place to discuss terrorism and that’s when nutbags with beards are blowing themselves up in shopping malls. Otherwise, it’s really getting to be annoying.
RIGHT: “There is a terrorist training camp in the Nowherestani mountains. The terrorists are affiliated with Hizbullah. Fifteen Nowherestani soldiers were killed by terrorists blah blah blah.”
WRONG: “Governer Goldilocks disagrees with me slightly on foreign policy! She’s letting the terrorists win!”
If you’re going to accuse someone of “palling around with terrorists”, then by gawd, you’d better have a video of him playing Parcheesi with Bin Laden. Otherwise, you’ll be getting a nighttime visit from the Hyperbole Enforcers.
Repeat offenders will be politely asked to leave the party. After the first few times, they will be asked not-so-politely.
Need I mention that we won’t be writing attack ads? I didn’t think so.
SCANDALS
**Operation Closet Cleaner. **Any SANE candidate, before running, will be locked in a room for an hour with a piece of paper. He (or she) will write down all the potentially scandalous incidents and pecadillos he can think of of. The party bigwigs will look over the list before deciding to let him run. Anything major, the candidate has to let the public know. The “I made a big mistake, and I’m ashamed, but my wife and I are determined to get past the incident blah blah standing with me blah blah” speech should be given before the election, not in the middle of the term. If you “forget” to include major details like embezzling fifty thousand dollars or having a long term affair with a sheep that was not your wife or fathering Michael Jackson’s children, and it comes out… tough. You’re on your own.
Hypocrisy. If you must go around moralizing at the public, at least have the decency to practice what you preach, okay? When the anti-drug crusader is found unconscious in a gutter with a needle in his arm, that’s not funny. (At least, it’s not funny for the party. Ordinary citizens probably think it’s hillarious). Anyone who wants to be part of a values committee, or a values crusade or a values anything will be shadowed for two weeks by a private detective. If a Values Person does get caught naked with a transvestite goat, we never heard of you before.
Look, SANE isn’t judgemental. You can go around boinking a different secretary every week or whatever, as long as you make it clear to the public that you’re not too big on this whole monogamy thing. But don’t lecture people on the sanctity of marriage at the same time.
Earmarks, Pork, Etc. You can ask congress for whatever the heck you want. However, each week a few random taxpayers are going to be brought in and shown all the bills you’ve passed. If ten people think there’s a problem with the way you’re using two thousand dollars of goverment money to redecorate your living room, maybe you shouldn’t.
Okay, who’s with me?
