I think this is a great summary of this kind of letter (feels cathartic to write, completely useless to send) and Nathan might follow your lead and write out his own thoughts and then take a look and figure out what the next step is.
This is what I’m suggesting, although keep in mind you are getting advice from a stranger on the internet. This is a prime example of that old adage “the only person’s behavior that you can change is your own.” It would be great if Nathan could change the behavior of his family members, but he can’t. Maybe they will want to change, but you know … people don’t really change that much. Even if they made a huge effort to change in the ways he wants, they would still backslide and probably be annoying about it anyway.
So Nathan should figure out what behavior HE is going to engage in, or not. I wouldn’t give anyone any big ultimatum, it’s too much and overwhelming and doesn’t help the situation. It sounds like you both want to say to them “We want you to ACT BETTER!” which, while true, is too vague and subjective to be helpful to anyone.
If they do ask what they can do to return to a more familial relationship, and Nathan feels that it is worth it for them to give some sort of response, keep it focused, simple, and practical. He’s going to have to let go of a lot of little stuff, and pick maybe two major areas. Maybe he is going to say “If we are invited somewhere as a family, I expect that includes fevour, as he is a member of the family.” And if they make effort toward this goal, even if imperfectly, you both need to focus on the effort and let go of all the crap about the greeting cards and Netflix and whatever else is lower down on the list. I don’t mean to be harsh and dismissive about the things that bother the both of you, but this is a real Pick Your Battles issue.
I really appreciated your response. I wanted to address the bolded part of your text. In my original post, I was trying to emphasize that Nathan is fed up with the little things AND the big things. I understand from the responses that the OP does not do that. However, if Nathan chooses to write a letter, are you saying he should not include examples of the offending behavior? I can tell you right now that if he told his family that they were dismissive of him they would deny it. The netflix example was supposed to be a small example. The inviting him to vacation with them while they stayed in a cabin in a park and he stay in a motel 60 miles away was supposed to be a bigger example. I didn’t include the biggest example of how they gave his siblings land but would not give him any to build a house. And no I don’t think they were obligated to give away their property. I fully recognize their right to do whatever they want with it.
A long time ago radio personality Dr. Laura made a comment in response to a similar call in scenario involving a family conflict between a married couple, and the husband’s in-laws, who behaved much as Nathan’s in-laws behave. The hubby was passive, and didn’t want to engage his family on these issues. The wife was ready to scorch the earth over various perceived passive aggressive slights they had received. Dr. Laura made the comment that passive or non-confrontational people often quite deliberately choose partners that they feel will go to war for them and be their proxy in domestic conflicts with their families or the world at large. Dr. Laura may be a jackass on a number of fronts but I thought she was spot on in this observation.
You sending the letter lets Nathan hide behind your skirts while you go to war. If he is so assured on this course of action let him write his own email. That he wants you taking the lead on this in a dispute with his family is craven and exploits you.
If he likes, his letter could attribute feelings to you – something like, “fervour is very hurt that you don’t consider him part of our family. He is my partner and I would appreciate…” &c., &c. Indeed, that’s what he should do: his family has offended you (and him) and he needs to stand up for you.
Well, one option would be for Nathan to choose one point (the Thanksgiving situation) and bring that up in a way that attempts to address the issue without escalating the emotions. Somthing like this
I wanted to come for Thanksgiving, but I felt bad that fervour wasn’t invited, and I didn’t have the presence of mind to bring it up properly at the time. I want you to know that I do want to be a part of our family celebrations (holidays?), but fervour is part of the family and I want him to be included. I care about my family very much and I hope that we can work this out.
Email can be a good mode of communication for family situations because the recipient is not put on the spot and has time to reflect before responding. I think it would be a good idea to send the note only to the person/people who were actually responsible for the Thanksgiving dinner invitation, if possible. Sending the note to the entire family is more inflammatory and might not be necessary to solve the problem. If fervour is not invited for the next family get-together, and it’s a different host than Thanksgiving, you could re-send a version of this message before the event to the person who issued the invitation. It may be possible to repair things, but only if you are willing to keep up the patient, kind explaining thing and absorb some more bad behavior (for a while). Without trying a direct but patient approach, I think it’s too early to stop communicating with his family.
NATHAN is the one who needs to fight this battle, if it’s going to be fought. NATHAN. If he’s not willing to do so, then so be it, but the only thing that can come of YOU fighting this battle is a bad outcome.
It’s HIS family. HE needs to be telling them this stuff, not you. If he’s not confrontational enough to do so, then he needs to take another tack, such as distancing himself. But the answer is NOT for him to get you to fight it for him. As a gay man with a partner myself, I appreciate the whole “We Are One” vibe…I feel the same way. But neither my partner or myself would ever take the lead in any kind of dispute with the other’s family. Ever. Family is a different country, and no one who wasn’t born in it can ever be more than a tourist, no matter how warm and welcoming they are in times of non-conflict.
Do you guys send out Christmas cards? If you don’t, you totally need to start. Even if it’s just 2 or 3 to his family only. Big, showy cards that say FROM NATHAN AND FERVOUR.
Then when the family goes over their list of who to send cards to next year, based on who sent them cards this year, their heads will explode because their spreadsheet only has one line for Nathan and none for you.
As the teeming millions have spoken, I have taken your advice and have decided not to send the letter. Nathan agrees —I think–I’m not sure. I don’t think he’s decided what to do.
His family has really only offended me as much as they offend him. I mean I could take them or leave them if he felt likewise. If it is easier for him to write a letter as if I were offended, I’m fine with that.
In a similar less confrontational tack, how about a quick email from me that says something like this:
Dear Crystal,
Thank you for the holiday greeting card. I received it Friday along with Nathan’s. There’s no need to send two cards as Nathan shares everything with me and that one stamp might save you a trip to the Post Office one day.
Best Wishes,
fervour
My goal would be to reduce the direct correspondence with me until Nathan determines how he wants to proceed with his family. It does require sending an email though.
Heh, it’s a great idea. However, I hate Christmas protocol. I hate the thought of getting back into anything like that. A couple of years ago my family got together and agreed not to swap gifts anymore. We affirmed our commitment to each other and emphasized that we could depend on each other in times of trouble. Not swapping gifts has made Christmas much more enjoyable.
I know that you are trying to tone down your vitriol in your correspondence with his family, and this potential note is a step in that direction, but . . .
I still think it sounds a bit aggressive-in-a-bad-way. How about just, “Thank you so much for the card! Nathan and I both enjoyed ours, although please be assured that if you’re pressed for time, one card says just as much! We really had a wonderful year this year, blah blah blah, etc”
That still sounds passive-aggressively bitchy, but perhaps less so?
You’re not very good at playing the passive aggressive game, then. Forget “protocol” - this has nothing to do with Christmas. It’s the same as sending them your long email, only it’s on their level.
They’re both good ways to make a statement. The key is to make the verbal part short and to the point.
“Oh, I’m sorry I can’t come to Thanksgiving, but fervour is my partner, and we spend the holidays together.”
As far as someone’s suggestion above that Nathan say that you are “part of the family”–he shouldn’t. That appeal will be lost on his family. He should simply assert that you are his partner.
Ultimately, I’m not sure why you all are thinking of cutting off all contact with his family. There’s a huge middle ground between going on vacation with them and disowning them. Why don’t you try more limited contact for a while?
And saying something to Crystal about the cards? Forget it. What difference does it make? Yes, it’s annoying, but addressing it is incredibly petty. (no pun intended)
Well, I think that message reads as passive aggressive, and it would be better for you to say nothing in response to her card. I agree with the others who have suggested that Nathan should be the one to respond to his family.
Let me chime in with the rest of the crew. Good choice to not send the email to Crystal. To add to that, don’t send the second one either. I understand you’re offended. It sounds to me that their actions are more than a “meh” to you than you’d like to admit. By challenging your partner’s sister on such a small thing is just simply wrong. In case you may have missed it. NATHAN has to be the one to address his own family on whatever level he chooses to. My girlfriend is non-confrontational and it is sooooo tempting to take up her battles for her.
Simple fact. Don’t do it. Nothing good will come out of it. The family will dismiss you as manipulative and mean-spirited because their precious son would have never done such a thing.
If their non-acceptance of your relationship is a deal-breaker for Nathan, than so be it. Life is too short to spend time and effort on people who have no appreciation of who you are. Enjoy your holidays together, with friends, whatever. If the family wants an explanation, then its up to Nathan to tell them that you are choosing to spend the holidays together since you’re not welcome.
Other good advice upthread was to pick your battles. If his parents are trying to “make nice” by making pleasant conversation, then make sure that their passive-aggressive actions are worth severing the entire relationship. It sounds like you are unwilling to accept anything less than 100% acceptance and frankly, they may not be able to do so.
Count your blessings that they aren’t hateful and outright dismissive of you. It’s still very hard for people of Nathan’s parent’s generation to accept what we know as love. To them, it may be like Nathan choosing to love a refrigerator. It’s inconcievable.
Be gentle with his family. If Nathan isn’t prepared to take on the battle, then try to accept them for who they are, make nice twice a year, and enjoy your life with your partner.
Now, moving on, send the letter. Can’t do any harm, it’s so long she’ll never read it.
Okay, okay, I’ll stop being a dick. I only skimmed the letter, and skimmed even less of this thread, but from what I can see you’re reading way too much into a couple of Christmas cards. You’re acting like one of those “gay pride” idiots that’s walking around with a chip on his shoulder, daring people to knock it off, and when a gust of wind blows it off you blame the nearest person and pull out the “YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I’M DIFFERENT” card. Not saying that’s what you are. I’m not even saying that’s what’s going on. But from what I caught in my skimming, that’s about the size of it.
I just wanted to say that the issue is not just about homophobia, but about family relations. If a couple, homosexual or heterosexual, is having problem with the family on one side, it must be the partner on that side who deals with it.
It’s a good idea to move the email to the trash, wait for a few days, and read it again once you have cooled down. Alas, I agree with dopers who suggest you send a shorter email. Sometimes sticking to the higher way doesn’t reap instant benefits, but it also prevents issues from being escalated.