I feel for you, fervour. I don’t want to say that I’ve been in this exact same situation, because I haven’t, but there are a couple of points to which I can definitely relate, and can at least try to offer some additional advice (or even just empathy), on top of the excellent advice that’s already been given by many others.
I come from an extremely open, assertive, get-everything-out-in-the-open kind of crew; my ex, and his family, comprised the most passive-aggressive group I have ever known (I’m a few years away from being a full-fledged clinical psychologist, so I’ve seen my fair share). My boyfriend’s family would constantly slight him, both in big, obvious ways, and in ways that to the unwitting observer, would not even register (or worse yet, seem superficially nice–perhaps like your thanksgiving card example?), but once you’d been indoctrinated into understanding the secret code of their behavior, their actions were clearly every bit as hurtful as someone saying, “we love your brother more than you, and basically view you as a huge disappointment.”
I’d be lying if I said I was never offended by their behavior.
But I could take it–not too much skin off my back. What I couldn’t t take, what was a hundred, thousand times worse, was having to witness, at every holiday, every family gathering, (plus all the events where his crew was just painfully absent because they had better things to do), how much they hurt him. See, *I *didn’t give a shit about these people or their opinion of me, so they could only offend me so much, barely more than any other random person pissing on my parade from the periphery. But he did give a shit about them, had, in fact, a huge emotional stake in these relationships with people who were clearly tormenting him…and all he did to defend himself was continue to love them and tolerate their despicable behavior.
Being wired the way I am (and suspect you are, too), the initial response is to call them out on this behavior: how dare you do this (and to someone I love, to someone that loves you, and who you at least claim to love back), and then plop down and eat a turkey leg like its all hunky-dory, when you’re clearly causing all this misery? But immediately on the heels of the internal call-to-arms comes the knowledge that…you’re totally impotent. Which, for an assertive, get-it-all-over-and-done-with type, is like having the wind knocked out of you.
Obviously, you can’t make them see the cruelty, selfishness, or bigotry of their actions (though it’d at least be enjoyable to make sure they knew they wouldn’t be able act how they do with impunity, right?)
Almost as obviously, no matter how much you want to help or protect this person that you love–no matter how much ass you would kick for them in any other situation…ass kicking here will only do more damage. In stepping up to the plate, whether you do it for them, or with them, or push them along into stepping up to the plate for themselves, you only serve to intensify the conflict, make it more tangible, more pervasive, and, worst of all to the passive-aggressive, more like a confrontation.
It’s a shitty situation in which to find oneself. I can’t tell you what worked for me, because nothing did work for us. But what I think has the best chance of working is if you tell Nathan how much you love him, and how much it bothers (saddens? enrages?) you to see him get hurt over and over again. Let him know how proud his family should be of him, and how accepting they should be of the two of you as a couple, and let him know how much you wish it could be that way for him.
Other than that, encourage him to do whatever he feels is best–not what would best for you if you were him (telling the homophobic fam to go screw themselves in scenic, heterosexual Port Saint Joe), but what he feels would be best, and what he feels like he could actually do. What’s hard to stomach is that what he might feel is best is to do nothing at all, and go through this cycle over and over again, in which case you can only be there for him that much more when the other people who allegedly love him don’t do it properly.
Best of luck to the both of you…