Imaginarily recast a great film with horrible choices

Earlier tonight Mrs. Rhosis and I rented and watched “Schindler’s List,” and agreed that Liam Neeson and Ben Kingsley were terrific–great casting.

But as tape one ended (it’s a two tape release), we took a break to grab cokes, and the usual before loading the second tape. During that time, I saw a snippet of “Walker, Texas Ranger,” and having the bizarre mind that I do, I began seeing Chuck Norris as Oskar Schindler, began imagining the “shading and nuances” he would have brought to the role (snicker).

What would Tom “The Dukes of Hazzard” Wopat have brought to the role of Itzhak Stern that Ben Kingsley was unable to deliver? Would JM J Bullock have been as effective as Ralph Fiennes as the evil Amon Goeth?

You get the idea…

Sir Rhosis

Okay, To Kill a Mockingbird…Brad Pitt as Atticus Finch. There, movie’s ruined already, no need to recast the other parts.

Okay, okay, I’ll try harder.

Atticus Finch: Nicholas Cage
Jem Finch: Jake Lloyd
Scout Finch: the Pepsi girl

2001:
Rosie Perez as the voice of HAL.

Philadelphia starring Andrew Dice Clay

Unforgiven, the beautifully-filmed western, now starring Tommy Lasorda as the silent, conflicted cowboy struggling with his conscience.

. . .I’m sorry, i’m still distracted by Jim J. Bullock as Amon Goeth. . .

~Mothra

A Clockwork Orange starring Carrot Top.

Blue Velvet starring Paul Rubens (aka Pee Wee Herman) as Frank.

Mary Poppins starring Courtney Love (sorry, it just wouldn’t quite fit).

A Christmas Carol starring Steven Segal (Jacob Marley would have his elbow broken within seconds of trying to tell Scrooge).

It’s a Wonderful Life starring Pauley Shore.

William Shatner as Captain Kirk in Star Trek V. And let him direct.

I’m sorry, you said a great film with horrible choices!

But hey, they wouldn’t have been stupid enough to let him direct.

Would they?

American Beauty starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Lester Burnham, Bette Midler as Carolyn Burnham and Britney Spears as their daughter.

Casablanca,

featuring

Boy George as Rick
Fran Drescher as Ilsa
Coolio as Sam
David Spade as anybody

Pulp Fiction - starring Martin Lawrence as Jules, David Hyde Pierce as Vincent, and Jennifer Love Hewitt as Mia.

Silence of the Lambs - starring Rodney Dangerfield as Hannibal and Denise Richards as Clarice

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - with Adam Sandler
Taxi Driver - with Jim Carrey

Apocalypse Now Insert Richard Thomas for Brando,Billy Crystal for Sheen and Hugh Grant for Duvall.

The horror,the horror.

To Have and Have Not, with Richard Gere as Harry Morgan (“Steve”), Britney Spears as “Slim”, and Danny DeVito as Eddie (“Was you ever bit by a dead bee?”)

Top Gun

Starring:

Danny Devito as Lt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell
Rhea Pearlmen as Charlotte Blackwood “Call sign Charlie”

Sylvester Stallone as the eponymous protagonist in Get Carter

Woody Allen as Tyler Durden in Fight club
Puff P Diddy as Shaft
Arnie as Mrs. Doubtfire
Ronald Reagan as Rick in Casablanca
Pam Anderson as Clarice Starling
Michael Caine as Hannibal Lector
Mickey Rourke as Anyone in any film is also bad casting

Titanic with the guy who plays Erkel (sp?) on Family Matters as Jack.

A Clockwork Orange with Jar Jar Binks as Alex.

Actually, that isn’t such a bad suggestion now you mention it; think of his performance in Deathtrap or Get Carter

in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, nothing would make me hate a movie more, than if Jim Carrey was 6 different characters

Jake Lloyd in The Sixth Sense would’ve destroyed that movie

This is an easy one, take Meg Ryan, and put her in any movie that needs to be taken seriously… how about Twister, not the most serious movie, take away helen Hunt, and throw in Ryan, you get a bad movie. What about Nell, again, not a horrible movie, but it turns into crap when you take away Jodie Foster and throw in some meg Ryan. She has gotta be the worst actress this planet has seen… with the exception of Drew Berrymore, of course

Terry (Hulk) Hogan in… in… in ANY movie.

Tom Green in Keaton’s “The General” or Chaplin’s “City Lights” <shudder>