Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to select an older movie (preferably one with few of its actors still available) and to provide a new cast from living working actors for the starring roles and as many of the support roles as you can recall.
Unlimited budget – no problems with availability – no haggling.
Only problem is: you have zero taste and little evidence of the skills any of these newer actors have beyond seeing a few of their films (not necessarily good ones) and their photos in checkout lanes.
What’s the worst you can do in turning a classic movie into a long string of ukulele picks?
Example: High Noon
Cooper role: Adam Sandler
Kelly role: Jennifer Lopez
Van Cleef role: Giovanni Ribisi
Bridges role: Paul Shaffer (who says he’s not an actor?)
Jurado role: Halle Berry
Mitchell role: Danny Glover
Tom Doniphon – (John Wayne) Bruce Willis
Ransom Stoddard – (James Stewart) Ashton Kutcher
Hallie Stoddard – (Vera Miles) Tara Reid (or possibly Pamela Anderson)
Liberty Valance – (Lee Marvin) Ben Affleck
Dutton Peabody (editor of the Shinbone Star) (Edmond O’Brien) Kelsey Grammer
Marshal Link Appleyard – (Andy Devine) Jason Alexander
Maj. Cassius Starbuckle – (John Carradine) Christopher Lloyd
Pompey – (Woody Strode) Chris Rock (or Chris Tucker)
What I’m going for is not deliberately miscasting people, but trying to think like Hollywood and use people who might actually be chosen for the role–regardless of unsuitability. I think this casting, which would probably get a green light if you could assemble them, would result in a horrifically bad movie.
Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) - Brad Pitt
Ilsa lund Laszlo (Ingrid Bergman) - Cameron Diaz
Victor Laszlo (Paul Henreid) - Matt LeBlanc
Capt. Louis Renault (Claude Rains) - David Schwimmer
Maj. Heinrich Strasser (Conrad Veidt) - John Travolta
Signor Ferrari (Sidney Greenstreet) - David Ogden Stiers
Guillermo Ugarte (Peter Lorre) - Paul Reiser
Sam (Dooley Wilson) - Eddie Murphy
Don Vito Corleone - Robin Williams
Michael Corleone - Arnold Schwarzenegger
Sonny - Matthew Perry
Clemenza - Woody Allen
Tom Hagen - Eddie Murphy
Fredo Corleone - Ben Stiller
Kay Adams - Pamela Anderson (she’ll be in high demand)
George Bailey (James Stewart) - Jim Carrey
Mary Hatch Bailey (Donna Reed) - Elisabeth Rohm
Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore) - William Shatner
Uncle Billy (Thomas Mitchell) - Jerry Stiller
Clarence Oddbody (Henry Travers) - John Ratzenberger
Ernie (Taxi Driver) (Frank Faylen) - Tim Allen
Officer Bert (Ward Bond) - Patrick Swayze
Violet Bick (Gloria Grahme) - Drew Barrymore
Mr. Gower (The Druggist) (H.B. Warner) - Elliott Gould
Walter Neff (Fred MacMurray) - Chris Kattan
Phyllis Dietrichson (Barbara Stanwyck) - Drew Barrymore
Barton Keyes (Edward G. Robinson) - John Lithgow
(And I really hate to put Lithgow in there. I’ve liked him in everything I’ve ever seen him in, including a reading of one of his children’s books, but I just can’t see him as Barton Keyes.)
Number one
Eddie Murphy as Kane
Owen Wilson … Jedediah Leland
Lil’ Kim … Susan Alexander Kane
Eddie Murphy … Kane’s Mother
Eddie Murphy … Kane’s Father
Janet Jackson … Emily Monroe Norton Kane
Busta Rhymes … Mr. Bernstein, Kane’s General Manager
Cedric The Entertainer … Jerry Thompson
Eugene Levy … Walter Parks Thatcher
P. Diddy … Signor Matiste, Susan’s Opera Coach
Directed By John Singleton
Number Two (The “sure to get an oscar version”)
Tom Hanks … Kane
Gary Sinese … Jedediah Leland
Gwyneth Paltrow … Susan Alexander Kane
Judi Dench … Kane’s Mother
Jim Broadbent … Kane’s Father
Julie Moore … Emily Monroe Norton Kane
Geoffrey Rush … Mr. Bernstein, Kane’s General Manager
Edward Norton … Jerry Thompson
Paul Newman … Walter Parks Thatcher
Roberto Begnini … Signor Matiste, Susan’s Opera Coach
PULP FICTION (in the Golden years)
Farley Granger … Pumkin (Ringo)
Cathy O’Donnell … Honey Bunny (Yolanda)
Robert Mitchum … Vincent Vega (A natural for the role)
Kirk Douglas … Jules Winifield (Difficult, but I couldn’t think of a great angry actor. But I thought of Douglas in Ace In The Hole…)
Mickey Rooney … Brett
Elisha Cook Jr. … Marvin
Robert Ryan … Butch Coolidge
Orson Welles … Marsellus ‘Big Man’ Wallace
Veronica Lake … Mia Wallace
Burt Lancaster … Capt. Koons
Ava Gardner … Esmarelda Villalobos
Judy Garland … Fabienne
Peter Lorre… Maynard
Sydney Greenstreet … Zed
Lon Chaney … The Gimp
George Raft … Winston ‘The Wolf’ Wolfe
ddgryphon: You’re a casting agent IRL, aren’t you? Your proposals are oddly compelling, just plausible enough that I’m praying no studio types are lurking. I mean, Kelsey Grammer as Dutton Peabody is inspired!
Out of work computer consultant and writer. My take on it is that it’s too easy to just badly cast a movie. I think what makes a truly horrible film is what may seem like a good idea on the surface (and the Hollywood producers are all about surface impressions) but if you really think about it, just would result in on-screen horrors the like of Hammer Films never dreamed possible.
Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) - Anthony Perkins
Han Solo (Harrison Ford) - Marlon Brando
Princess Leia Organna (Carrie Fisher) - Elizabeth Taylor
Grand Moff Tarkin (Peter Cushing) - Lionel Barrymore
Obi Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) - Burl Ives
Darth Vader (David prowse-body/James Earl Jones-voice) - Johnny Weismuller-body/Paul Robeson - voice
QUENTIN TARANTINO’S WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S ROMEO & JULIET
Romeo- John Travolta
Juliet- Uma Thurman
Mercutio- Samuel L. Jackson (“Shee-it, man, a pox and a whole mess of crab lice on both yo f*cking houses!”)
Tybalt= Steve Buscemi
Paris- Harvey Keitel
Father Lawrence- Ron Jeremy
THE LION IN WINTER II
Henry II- Robert Blake
Eleanor of Aquitaine- Marsha Warfield
Richard the Lionheart- Richard Simmons
Geoffrey- Samuel Jackson
John- Gilbert Gottfried
THE COLOR PURPLE
Mister (Danny Glover)- Emmanuel Lewis
Harpo- Gary Coleman
Miss Celie- Bea Arthur
Ophelia- Betty White
Shug- Rue McLanahan
DISNEY’S GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD
Jesus- Ricky Martin
The Virgin Mary- Anna Nicole (“I shall call his name Emmanuel… or maybe Denny or Luke or something… heh heh he’s my little Godchild- Hey, do I have to buy him both a Christmas Present and a Birthday Present?”)
Gabriel- Robin Williams (“Just tell your mom and dad 'gee, I’m 12 and unmarried and with child, but it’s God’s”, they’ll understand)
Pontius Pilate- Roberto Benigni
St. Peter- Eminem
Satan- Jackie Mason
Judas- Jeremy Irons
John the Baptist- Jesse Ventura
If we can travel the past, then my choices for STAR WARS would include
DARTH VADER- Wally Cox (I find your lack of faith quite disturbing…)
OBI WAN KENOBI- Redd Foxx as Fred Sanford (“Luke, your daddy left his light saber for you… but I sold it… see, I had a chance to see Blind Melon Jelly in concert and… well, what with the Sandpeople and all who knew if you’d live to get it?”)
PRINCESS LEIA- Judy Garland (“Help us Obi Wan… you’re our only…” [collapses stoned])
TITANIC
Jack (DiCaprio’s character): Elvis
Rose: Ann Margret
Cal: Frank Sinatra (“Cheez it you bimbo! You’re shacked up with me, now, not some trailer park honky-tonk!”)
Old Rose: Dame Edna Everage
Ship’s Band: The Monkees
