I have a friend with a 5 year old daughter. I’ve known them about a year and she’s always talked to an imaginary friend (‘Mr Fingers’) who she talks back to whilst using her hand like a puppet.
Clearly there is something of a security thing going here, and it’s never particularly worried anyone to date - just a semi-cute, semi-frustrating part of trying to talk to a little girl. I say semi-frustrating as she will revert mid-conversation to ‘Mr Fingers’ and talk to you through him, even referring to herself in the third person in the process. In the past her mother has tried ignoring it (difficult in those circumstances) or saying ‘I’d rather talk to you’ - which tends to get a negative reaction.
An issue is now arising though, as she started school in September. Other children have noticed and she’s clearly being subjected to a certain amount of teasing because of it - possibly to the point of bullying. It doesn’t help that she’s incredibly protective of ‘Mr Fingers’ so takes to getting upset or angry (and probably lashing out a bit) in response. As a result, her teachers are getting concerned.
I’m conscious that this isn’t particularly uncommon, but wonder whether the best approach is to continue to ignore and hope that peer pressure takes its course without too many adverse consequences, or whether the family should take a more proactive approach to discourage the behaviour.
Let the peer pressure weed it out. Like toting a blanket around or thumb-sucking, it will pass once she realizes that she isn’t going to get any support from her parents or teachers on the issue either. Being proactive in trying to discourage the behaviour wouldn’t help much in my opinion, mum and dad should be neutral on it so that she still feels safe coming to them for comfort after a rough day.
Having an imaginary friend is totally normal. It seems to fade as kids start school. If I were her mom, I wouldn’t sweat it. And as a family friend, I wouldn’t express an opinion about it.
If it were my daughter, I’d encourage her to make Mr. Fingers an “at-home friend”. She can come home from school and tell him all about her day and what was fun and what wasn’t, but he’s not supposed to go to school, see, because he doesn’t have a butt. Butts are very important things, and if you don’t have one, you can’t go to school.
No, it doesn’t make sense. But it’s funny 'cause it has the word butt in it, and it can steer her to learning that things can be inappropriate in one time and place without being bad.
She needs to learn other ways of coping with stress at school, of course. We wouldn’t want to take away her coping mechanism without substituting another. So her parents should take to the teachers about appropriate stress relieving techniques, what would work for them in their classrooms without being disruptive that will also give the girl a more functional way to communicate.
I have some cousins (adults) who believe in an imaginary friend. They claim to talk to him every day. They say he is visible, lives somewhere in the sky, talks to them, sees everything they do, and they must constantly worship him or be punished because his dad is powerful. Their name for him is “Jesus”.
So, yes, I’d say such beliefs can be dangerous to your mental health.
Thanks for all these. The weight of opinion seems to match our views. Your suggestion in particular, WhyNot, is pretty much what I was thinking as regards being proactive - and I think is what the school are looking for.
I also like the suggestion about finding other strategies to cope with stress, because that dilemma about whether it’s right to be discouraging a coping mechanism is the crux of our concerns. We obviously don’t want to take that away - but clearly there is a danger of more stress (and the implications of that) by continuing to behave in a way that alienates her from other children. Moreover, that then turns into a vicious circle where she needs to comfort herself even more, especially if she’s getting into trouble because of her reactions.
We’ll have a talk and do some research to explore other strategies we might be able to suggest to her if Mr Fingers remains an ‘at-home’ friend. Any other views much appreciated.
Heh. When my son was about seven I taught him to say “Johnny’s not here Mrs. Pochacco” in the Shining voice with the finger thing. Then I sent him in alone to show his mother … .
I agree with **WhyNot **as well. Mr. Fingers doesn’t have to go away. He just has to learn when it’s appropriate for him to speak up.
Perhaps if the parents are more accepting of Mr. Fingers in the home, their daughter is less likely to need him at school. Home should be a place where a kid can let it all hang out; school is some place a kid needs to rein it in a little. If the kid feels she can’t totally relax at home, even if Mr. Fingers is part of relaxing, she’s got no place to relax, so her stress will come out in other, less acceptable ways like hitting.
The parents obviously shouldn’t bring up Mr. Fingers if their daughter doesn’t; however, if they know that ignoring him or telling her he isn’t real is upsetting to her, would it be a huge imposition to play along? Yeah, it feels really weird, but it’s very common in kids to have an imaginary friend.
Mr. Fingers will go away eventually; however, he’ll probably go away faster if the kid isn’t getting pressure both at home and at school to get rid of him.
"Honey, while you were at school today Mr. Fingers was kidnapped by Al-Queda. He fought back valiantly, but in the end he didn’t make it. We flushed what was left of him down the toilet. "
My son had ‘Little Ghost’ until he was about 4. Then my mom sent him a small ceramic ghost at Halloween. The real little ghost replaced the imaginary 'Little Ghost". Maybe you can find one of those hands ladies used to stick their rings on when they werre doing dishes. They were always in the Spencer Gifts etc, catalogs.
