In a tight spot.

Hello all.

This is more of a “I need help with a decision” post, so pleace help me.

I´m in a really tight spot.

To begin at the beginning.

Around three months ago I broke up with my girlfriend, which I had been seeing for two years.

Two months later I met a really nice girl which I really love and find extremly nice and all around brilljant.

We have been dating for almost 3 months now and it’s been great.

But then something happened.

A girl I know, started to have boyfriend issues and she started talking to me about it.
I, since I´ve helped a lot of my friends in very similar cases, helped her out and made her reallize how great she was and how he wasn´t the right one for her.

But the thing is, we talked a lot, and while all of this happened, we kinda fell “in love” with each other.

We know how nice and absolutely great the other person is and we are extremly attractive in the eyes of each other.

Sow now my problem is, that I´m in love with 2 wonderful girls, neither of which I wanna hurt.

Normally, this would be heaven for most folk … people have a hard time finding just one wonderful girl, and I have two.

But since you can’t have two girlfriends, I´m in a really tight spot, since I don’t wanna loose either of them.

I started wondering about this with girl number two … and she really did not want me to do anything bad or betray my girlfriend in any way, and I totally aggreed since I don’t wanna hurt my girlfriend in ANY way, I love her so much I can’t bare to imagine me hurting her and be cause to her pain.

So we started wondering what to do. First we decided we couln’t do anything since I had a girlfriend which I loved and didn’t wanna hurt and we were happy with that decision.

But the thing is, we couln’t stop flirting with each other … and wanting to be with one another so we decided that the only thing to do was to end this all and never talk again.
We tried that for a couple of days, but we missed each other terribly. Still, I love my girlfriend and have a wonderful time with her, and none of that was in any way diminnished by this.

I didn’t even know that this could be a spereate feeling, for it to be possible to love two girls at the same time without there being something wrong in either case.

So know we were in a tight spot.

We tried not talking to each other and that didn’t work.
(The thing is … a lot of you will probably say, since you can’t live without her, she’s the one you should be with … but the thing is, if I were to stop seeing my girlfriend I’d miss her just the same as girl nr2.)
So we tried to “stop” flirting and wanting to be with each other and only be friends, but that just didn’t work. Our conversations became boring and stale and we didn’t like it.

We really didn’t want to do anything “bad” since we are both truly good persons and I sure as hell do NOT wanna hurt my girlfriend in ANY way, and I DONT wanna loose her.

But after trying to find options for us to be friends after a week, every day thinging of an option we were finally faced with two options.

  1. stop seeing each other completely
    This something we just CAN’T do! It sucked and would eventually destroy my relationship with my girlfriend since I would always be wanting to be with the other girl.

  2. Use the “horrible” “what you don´t know doesn’t hurt you”.
    BELIEVE ME, this is NOT something I wan’t to do.
    Im my oppinion, cheating is the most ugliest thing in the WORLD … but I´m screwed!! I´m stuck between two wonderful girls, and I can’t stop seeing either of them!!

Why? :

  1. I LOVE my girlfriend and I DON’T wanna leave her
  2. If I stop seeing girl number 2 I will miss her terribly and most probably ruin my relationship with my girlfriend somehow.
  3. I just CAN’T stop seeing my girlfriend, I will NOT dump her. She’s one of the best thing that has happened to me, but unfortunatly, so is girl nr.2
    So what I´m left with is … “what you don’t know wont hurt you”.

BELIEVE ME … I know how unethical this is and what I´m doing and if I were someone else … for example someone like you …just reading this, I would be filled with words and thoughts like (he’s a chicken, he’s still a cheater, why doesn’t he just make a choice) and so on and so on.

Just try for a moment to think how it is to fall completely in love with the two most wonderful girls you’ve ever met at the SAME time! and try to imagine how it is to have to loose one of them.

Most of us know how strong love is … you can’t BEAR the thought of not being with one another … I have this feeling, for BOTH of them.

I would never ever cheat under ANY cirumstances other than this one … most beutiful girl in the world would want to sleep with me while I had a girlfriend … not a chance in hell.

Wouln’t matter how horny I was or anything … I do NOT cheat!!

So what I´m asking you all … PLEACE … if there is ANY other way of going about this, that doesn’t have the only option to never see girl number 2 again … pleace tell me.

And pleace do not flame me. I promise, I´m a good man. The girl number 2 fell in love with me because I am really good to everyone and always try to do the right thing, and that’s why I´m searching for help from you.

Try to put yourself in my position … Imagine you have the worlds two most wonderful girls, both who you love with all your heart (yes ALL Your heart for both of them … didn’t think that was possible, but apparently, it is), and you would have to hurt one of them immensly or never see the other one again :frowning:

Pleace pleace pleace … I ask you, don’t give me shitty comments or bash me for being a cheater.

I haven’t cheated yet and it’s the LAST thing I’m going to do, but I DONT want to loose either of them and I wont do it!.

The option to be with them both without my girlfriend ever getting hurt (since she won’t know about it) is more appealing than that.

The real thing is, since I can’t share my love physically and socially with girl nr 2. I don’t know which one I want more so I can’t let her just go, since I´d never stop wondering what I missed.

Btw, if I am forced to use the “what you dont know” option it won’t be forever. Just long enough for me to decide which girl I truly want to be with, since I´m not stupid enough to try to be with them both.

But I just CAN NOT make that decision before I know how it is to love girl nr 2 physically and socially and mentally. so do everything with her I do with my girlfriend.

The last thing I will tell you is :

I will probably NOT cheat since it’s such an evil act in my mind, but what I’m trying to accomplish here is for it not EVEN to be a possibillity.

so pleace don’t flame me for a thing I haven’t done yet and probably will not do.

I´m asking you for kind advice.

This CAN happen to all of you … remember that before throwing the first stone.

Thanks to you all for reading this and thanks even more if you will give me good advice.

With great thanks,

Cohesion.

Whoa. That was quite a post there Cohesion!

However, from what you’ve written, I can’t imagine you ending up with girl number 2. You say that your conversations with her are boring if you don’t flirt with each other. Do you flirt with your girlfriend when you talk to her, or are you able to enjoy conversations without all the inuendos? If you’re able to enjoy your girlfriend’s company without having to resort to flirting, then I believe that she is the one for you.

Thanks for replying cataclysm.

But there is one misunderstanding.

When I say boring, I mean it’s not the same.

We can talk about everything and I love talking to her, but when we have to “not flirt” and show our true feelings for one another, to cut that from conversations makes them “fake”, “not real” since we are feeling something we must share with one another.

It’s quite the opposite of boring to talk to her. I LOVE talking to her, just as I love talking to my girlfriend. They are both witty and fun and intellectual.

So you see my problem :confused:

Thanks again.

Pleace help me out y’all :slight_smile:

Cohesion

You need to make a decison Cohesion, do you not believe you will be doing a detriment to both girls if you are not giving your full attention to one? I mean come now. Pick one. If you just got out of a relationship you had for two years, sounds like you are going a little buck wild with the rebound. It is completely normal but someone is bound to get hurt. I certainly hope you are not sleeping with both…

Pick one or neither.

You can’t have them both and if you don’t make a decision soon then they will make it for you.

How did you “meet” the new girl two months after you had already been dating for one month?

How many weeks into your new (3 month) relationship did you “fall in love” with the 2nd girl?

In any case the only thing to do is stop seeing the 2nd girl.
If you can’t do that be a man and break up with your girlfriend.

Cultivating secondary relationships behind your girlfriends back is wrong. :smack:

Cohesion, hon, how old are you? Not that it matters, but I went through something very similar when I was about 17, the only difference being I was the first girl.

In my case, the boy I was seeing was asked for advice from another girl about a problem she was having with an ex-bf and her dad. My bf came to me for the advice, I passed it along, and she ended up falling in love with him. We later broke up, but for different reasons altogether.

If you are still a teenager, I would advise you to take a break from both of them for awhile. Please don’t consider this a condescending attitude on my part, as I’m not that far out of my teen years myself, but I have realized that at that age it is quite easy to confuse your feelings for someone, and it’s quite easy to find people you connect with if given the chance. That’s not to say that your feelings are any less valid or important, but just realize that part of being a responsible, caring, and self actualized person is being fair enough to yourself that you can admit that yes, you like this other person but that you know it would be wrong to pursue a relationship with her. Especially since she’s rebounding.

I apologize as I had to skim your post, and will go back and re-read it when I have time, but you’re going to have to realize that at some point what you want out of these relationships doesn’t matter nearly as much as what you can give to someone else, and at this point I don’t see that you have much to offer either of these young women.

Either dump the second girl gently and respectfully, or dump them both. You’re not being fair to either one of them, and your feelings about them really have nothing to do with it.

There’s really not all that much for me to tell you; I don’t quite know what you should do. However, I do know one thing: DO NOT CHEAT. The only thing that this will accomplish is making you hate yourself and feel guilty.

Personally, I think “in love” is a euphemism for “in lust.” Having made this mistake myself, I sympathize, but you have to ask yourself, how long have I known these girls? Love is not instantaneous. It take time to flourish, and by time I mean years, not weeks.

Ask yourself: how much of what I’m feeling is lust? Which of these girls do I see myself with in 5 years? B/c it can’t be both, n way no how. Then bite the bullet and break it off with the other girl, and don’t see her anymore. Yes, it’s going to be hard, but sometimes, life is hard. Actually, quite often it’s hard. You clearly cannot see both for much longer, so just choose and do it, mourn, and then move on.

Have you considered just being alone for a while? Sometimes, after the break up of a long-term relationship, people THROW themselves back into dating with a vengeance, rather than mourn the relationship, learn, and become whole again. It might be worth trying, rather than trying to pick one.

IMO (since you asked): I’d pick your girlfriend. The 2nd girl knows you’re with someone else, but doesn’t seem too concerned about busting up your relationship. Not a positive quality; in fact, rather dishonorable. But I only know what you’ve told me, and I’m drawing my own conclusions.

Well, I agree with both your gut and the other posts - DON’T CHEAT! That will likely cost you relationships with both, and even worse, it could cost you in terms of your relationship with yourself.

I know how you feel, because I have been in your situation. Except that my case, Girl #1 was my wife, and mother of my two children. So, to put it in perspective, there was a HELLUVA lot more at stake in my situation.

Interestingly, I chose an alternative that you didn’t even mention. I’ve chosen to continue to love them both.

It is called polyamory. In my case, I was lucky, because both women are very understanding. Polyamory is understanding that one can love more than one other person at the same time.

I’m also interested in the question of your age, as posed by XJETGIRLX. Simply because, if you are in your teen years, or even early twenties, I would strongly discourage you from pursuing a polyamorous relationship. Why? Because it is very difficult, and requires an extreme amount of emotional maturity. While either yourself and one of the women may have such maturity - it wouldn’t be enough. All three of you would need to be able to handle the situation, and I emphasize, it ain’t easy.

But it is an option. From what I understand from your post, while you may not be cheating physically, you are cheating emotionally. And it will only consume you.

My recommendation is to sit down with both of them (at the same time), and explain yourself, and your feelings. This helps significantly if they know each other, and already have at least a civil tone between them (women can often be very competitive). Before you do that, read the polyamory faqs. First and foremost, you must be completely honest with both of them, and expect the same in return. In taking this step, you will be more comfortable with yourself. You may end up with one, the other, both, or neither. So be it. Be true to yourself, and honest with those you love.

I am living proof that you may not have to choose. In my case, the two women in my life have developed their own strong emotional bonds. That certainly helps. But there are other models of polyamory that don’t require that all participants are bonded with all others.

I am also living proof that what others have posted here as not possible most certainly is.

To summarize: I am NOT recommending that you pursue polyamory. I am simply pointing out that another alternative exists. It may or may not be right for you and your loved ones. No matter your path or your choice, I do strongly recommend being open and honest with those you claim to love. They deserve it.

Because of the short span of these relationships and the intensity of the feelings I am not sure this is love but the infatuation/lust part of new relationships. That said you need to pick one girl and try and make it work with her.

Odds are your girlfriend is already a bit suspicious of girl number two and likewise girl number two is not going to want to be “the other woman” forever.

When we make new connections with people that discovery/infatuation/lust feeling can be quite strong and very demanding. I’m not sure how old you are and how many past relationships you’ve had so I won’t pass judgement too badly (I hope) but you need to look carefully at wether or not this is really love. I am deeply in love with my husband and can’t fathom having/cultivating these feelings with anyone else.

Everyone is different though and I hope you find happiness.

AZCowboy, polyamory is an option for the very few. I understand it works for some people, but Cohesion doesn’t sound like he’s in a position to be polyamorous, b/c most women won’t go for it, esp. if he’s already been at least emotionally duplicitious about Girl #2 to Girl #1. Also, confronting both of them at the same time could cause needless pain and embarrassment for everyone.

Cohesion, I think you should meditate on this and the choose. You probably should to do this WITHOUT having experienced the physical charms of Girl #2-- what it sounds like, to me, is that you want to see which one is better in the sack, and that’s just selfish, I have to tell you. If you have sex with #2 and then pick #1, you realize you’ll have to tell her you slept with someone else, right? If honor is important to you, anyway. Then, she might dump you, and then where would you be?

Let us know what you decide, and why. I’m kinda curious now.

Rubystreak, perhaps you could define very few. The only statistics I know report ranges from 15% to 28% of relationships allow for some sort of non-monogamy. Granted, it doesn’t seem that common, because it is mostly kept underground, due to social stigmas.

And I would love to understand why you would claim that “most women wouldn’t go for it”. Why I suspect that is true, I would also venture to guess that most men wouldn’t either. That wasn’t the point - recognizing it is an option was the point. If I thought it was a likely solution, I would have recommended it. I didn’t.

Simpy “choosing” one will likely lead to regrets, as the grass is always greener on the other side. And personally, I don’t understand why folks tend to deride honesty between love ones. YMMV.

Another possibility is to tell your girlfriend about girl #2. Get it all out on the table (no pun intended). Maybe she’ll surprise you and say that you should date both :rolleyes:, but she will probably breakup with you. That way you don’t have to breakup with her.

[ul]:stuck_out_tongue: [sup]Or you could flip a coin.[/sup][/ul]

Hello all and THANKS for your many good reply’s

I´ve come to a decision.

I´m gonna stay with my girlfriend.

I had a very intimate moment with her yesterday and decided that I love her and don’t wanna do her harm.

I think I don’t LOVE girl nr.2 but I could do that very easily since she’s a brilliant woman and I have feelings for her.

And I’m not gonna cheat on her either.

This is gonna be extremely hard to do, but I’ll do it anyway.

Thank you all again, EVERY reply helped me some when making this decision.

Cohesion.

Good Luck Cohesion.

AZ Cowboy, this is a real hijack of this thread, but here’s why I think most women wouldn’t go for it: I have plenty of friends of both genders. In frank discussions, most all the men fantasize about polyamorous situations. Very few of the women do. I think girls of Cohesion’s age would DEFINITELY not be able to handle a situation of such emotionally trying complexity. Hell, neither would I.

Please cite a source for your statistics. “Allowing for some non-monogamy” is not the same as “practicing polyamory.” More likely it is “forgives partner for infidelity.” Not the same thing.