In defense of quiet people

In My Humble Opinion
21

A quiet lady here. Like a good deal of the quiet folks posting, I was regarded as aloof, snobby, unapproachable when I was younger. I’m definitely the type to have a few close friends, but am very open and chatty with them.

I can’t stand having to make mindless, pointless chit-chat, it just makes me tired. There are people I know who are types that just don’t know when to STOP talking, and maybe that’s why I’m as quiet as I am around people. Truly, can there be fewer things more annoying than that buzzing of needless chatter about nothing? My admin seems to be quiet experienced with this kind of chatter <gritting my teeth>.
At work, I’m happier being the one sitting at my desk and working quietly without being bothered, while others are happier running around asking questions, speaking up during meetings, etc. Guess maybe that’s an asset to be that involved, but I’m not comfortable with it and don’t want to pretend to be a kind of person that I’m not.

22

Yeah, what everyone else said.

'cept lately I’ve been thinking that maybe this is my problem.

23

:cool:

24

I know exactly what you’re talking about, City Gent. I’ve always been a shy, quiet person, especially around new people. The more comfortable I feel around someone, the more I’ll contribute to the conversation. I’m trying to be more outgoing and I’ve gotten much better over the past few years, but it’s still something I have to work on.

My worst experiences have been with people who think it’s funny to call attention to the fact that I’m quiet. I was extremely insecure in high school (I’m finally beginning to get over it), which was a large part of why I was so quiet. Every so often, someone in one of my classes would make a big show of asking “why are you so quiet?” Like they expected me to suddenly break into a soliloquy at that point, or maybe a song-and-dance number? Calling attention to it only made me feel more insecure.

I’m sure many people who’ve met me over the years have thought that I’m a snob, but the truth was that I was usually too nervous and unsure of myself to open my mouth, let alone take over the conversation. Fortunately I made a few wonderful friends who understood that being quiet is just part of who I am.

I’m usually only quiet when I’m around people I don’t know very well, though. My family and close friends would probably tell you that I talk a mile a minute and never shut up. :slight_smile:

{{{{quiet people}}}}

25

Thanks for the replies and advice. I’m considering trying to stop closing my eyes (sort of a compromise with Mrs. CG - I won’t close my eyes and she’ll stop riding my ass).

Funny that so many people have mentioned the Japanese view towards quietness, because I felt most at ease when I was working for a Japanese company. I think I picked up the eye-closing thing from there - it’s not unusual for someone to close his eyes while thinking or listening during a meeting. I was a quiet person before, but it got magnified during my years with the good old Nihonjin.

My Japanese supervisor came up with a group motto (they like mottoes in Japan) that included the exhortation to “Be loud”. Oddly, his most withering criticism (generally directed at Americans) was “He speaks too much”.

I read an account of the first Asian-American student group to present its demands to a university (I think it was Yale, around 1970). The group decided that they’d have to be much bolder than their cultural background considered polite in order to get their voices heard, so they intentionally sent their loudest and most extroverted members to present their demands. The chosen representatives made a point to be very bold and forthright. After the meeting, the group became very worried that they’d been too pushy. Later they found out that the university president remarked, “Gee, those Asian kids are polite”.

26

Now how can somebody that uses the name Shy Ghost not contribute to this thread?

I’m also a quiet person, for two reasons. The first is that I’m an introvert. The second is that I was born with a severe-to-profound hearing loss, and have a very hard time understanding the speech of others when in a crowded room. Hence, I typically get even quieter in party situations. I have been accused of being aloof, a wallflower, although no one has called me a “snob” to my face.

I’m not anti-social, and sincerely enjoys small-group gatherings. But I do admit that I’m a hard person to know, since I don’t give out my trust or loyalty easily or quickly. But the friendships that I do have (almost all of them outside the workplace) are great ones.

27

I have learned this from experience: If you don’t want to be there then don’t go, otherwise have a good time (or at least pretend to).

I have been labeled as shy, quiet, wierd, loner, etc. But I don’t mind that. I have found that I prefer the company of a few close friends than that of many acquaintances. When in large groups with acquaintances, I have found that I stay at the back and observe, but that many people that I feel comfortable with will come over to ‘visit’ for a period of time and then move on. I guess that these people have figured out how to best interact with me and don’t expect me to join a large group of people all speaking at once.

This type of behaviour seems to be nature rather than nurture. I use myself and my brother as an example (growing up in the same environment).

1 yr old in a jolly-jumper
Me: would sit there and quietly look around and periodically bounce
Him: nonstop bouncing and the higher and faster the better

4 yrs going into a group setting
Me: standing at the back observing to figure out what was going on where and trying to figure out where my energies would be best utilized
Him: in the melee

teenage yrs
Me: quietly going about my business and developing a close group of friends
Him: trying to be noticed and having as much fun and showing off without getting arrested

college
Me: I opened up and had a broad base of friends, I suspect because we were there for the same reason and had the same interests and ideals
Him: Had many many different roommates and lots of acquaintances (I don’t know how many he would call close friends, hmph, probably most)

adulthood
Me: grow up, get a job I enjoy and work closely with a limited number of people, wife with kids on the way
Him: still acts like a teenager, started and sold 2 businesses before he was 30, jet-setter with many acquaintances, semi-serious girlfriend, but he’s moving away for a couple of years, still rents his place out to roommates (because he likes activity)

28

Thank you, CityGent, thank you. Finally here are people who understand what it’s like to be a misunderstood quiet person. I have been feeling your pain all my life.

In addition to everyone’s contributions, which I heartily concur with, there is a further cross we have to bear. In the workplace. Office politics (arrghgh, how I dread office politics) requires that you have to schmooze with the right individuals just so that you can survive. What if you’re schmooze-impaired, and you think it’s enough to just do your work quietly and unobtrusively? Uh-uh, not good enough. If you don’t kiss ass with certain influential people, you can kiss your own ass goodbye.

(Years ago when I read up on astrology, I learned that the 12th House covered “secret enemies.” I was just a naïve college student and “secret enemies” sounded so arcane and unreal, something left over from the Italian Renaissance. Unfortunately, it’s all too real in the modern business world where unscrupulous Machiavellians think nothing of smiling to your face while preparing to knife you in the back. Bitter? Me?)

You guys are right, there is a trend in America to get ever more superficial and showy at the expense of the inner life. I keep thinking of the American Indians, whose culture valued a person’s remaining silent and thoughtful for long stretches that would make a white person uncomfortable. For the American Indians, being a constant blabbermouth was a sign of weak character. They respected anyone who would consider his or her words slowly & carefully and only speak from the heart. We need more of this value system nowadays. I say this from the heart!

29

I’m not a quiet person. For the most part, I speak my mind and share opinions and get in arguments. Not to the point of being obnoxious, I just sometimes forget where the lines are. I hate it. I envy quieter types who can stay silent or mostly-silent and then when they speak, their voices are heard louder than mine at top volume. I envy the ability to sit and completely observe & absorb. In order for me to absorb, I have to either respond or repeat aloud.

My SO is almost the polar opposite of me. The first time we went out, he said maybe 5 sentences in the whole first hour of being out. He just nodded his head a lot. I started thinking that he was just too introverted for me. Then he slowly started opening up and now we clambor over each other to be heard.

Around close friends and more so with me, he’s a regular chatterbox. For the most part, though, he’s a quiet thing. He nods his head a lot, he might respond with a comment or witty remark, so you know he’s alert & involved…he just does it through being quiet. In social settings we balance each other that way…I do the talking, he supplies the steady hand and the whip when I get out of control. It also means that I can feel comfortable just not talking.

I guess what I’m saying is that I totally take the defense of quiet people. IME, it’s us loudmouths who appear more snobbish & know-it-all than any quiet person I’ve ever known. C’est vrai.

So, here’s a toast for all those who know how to, and enjoy, keeping their mouths shut!

clinkclink*

30

I’m not a quiet person, I’m just anti-social. :wink:

31

Quiet? Moi? Actually I am… really really quiet… Grandma has told me that I move so quietly she doesn’t realize where I am in the house until I am right there. I know you don’t really mean that way but thats another way in which I am quiet.

Otherwise I am a very introverted person. I prefer often to sit in my room and read or write, or go online then going out to do stuff. Unfortunately my Grandparents think of this as a bad thing so they urge me to get out more and do more stuff. Also my Aunt likes to ask me whats wrong if I get too quiet around her and usually nothing is. I often just want to be left alone and think my own thoughts without having to say something every few minutes. When I’m around new people I also am pretty quiet and not say anything though I usually am polite if they talk to me (which means I end up having people talk to me when I don’t want to talk or listen but I’m too polite to let them know).

I don’t think its a bad thing to be quiet but when people urge you to be different, more outgoing or are constantly asking if you are alright (because they assume you are depressed) it gets very annoying. I for one when I go out like to do so on my own and not have to go with anyone else if I don’t want to.

IE New Years I thought I was going out with Dad but that didn’t pan out so I stayed home. Auntie calls me up asking if I wanted to go out with her and a pal, I said no cuz I wanted to be alone. I also said that if I was going out it would be by myself to the First Night activities. I then proceed to go out with Dad to a movie and come home and go online. Next day I learn that auntie was worried and had called me up wanting to know if I wanted to rent a movie but she couldn’t get through while I was online.

I had a wonderful New Years eve and only spent it 2 hours with other people (Dad and his girlfriend) and that was by myself. I like doing stuff by myself because then I can be quiet and not have people bugging me about it when I am. It is nice to share life with other people sometimes but all the time y’know?

I think I’m veering off topic here but yah I am introverted and like to be alone in crowds and alone when alone. I don’t always need someone there to talk with or anything but others assume I do. They also assume I need a keeper because by being quiet I am not able to look out for myself. (despite being well able to and being an adult now)

But as to the closing eyes thing in company I think that is impolite. Being quiet is okay but closing yourself off as obviously as that is rude and makes you seem terribly anti-social instead of just the wallflower/quiet person.

32

Here’s another quiet one checking in. I’m not amazed that so many of us are quiet, but I am surprised and relieved to see that other quiet people tend to automatically be branded “snobs,” something which is beginning to bug me more and more. You know what? It’s the ones who label you as a snob who have the insecurity problem. Just because you don’t talk, they default to the assumption that you look down on them. Why don’t they assume you are worshipping them in silent awe?

I also tend to be miserable at large social gatherings. Although I can listen with pleasure to an intelligent exchange and even participate a bit, I find it pointless to chitchat about inconsequential stuff. Like Nimue, it’s better if my husband is there because he can talk to anyone about anything and I just nod along for the duration.

“Nah, I don’t hate people – I just feel better when they’re not around.” Charles Bukowski

33

I’m kind of quiet too, but I love being in social situations as long as I can be on the outskirts…I’m not a real conversationalist. But I pay attention to and enjoy people talking to me, which people don’t get sometimes, that it’s ok with me if they do most of the talking. I tend to participate in conversations by laughing or nodding in appropriate places, or backing up others, which has made people think I’m nervous, though I’m not. I used to be insecure and a litle nervous, I’m not anymore, but I’ve got holdover habits. I like to watch people talk and interact with each other…I don’t tend to be called a snob, but people do seem to think I’m not comfortable somehow, which isn’t true.

34

I’ll be hornswoggled if someone didn’t come up to me just now and say, “Carol, you’re so quiet . . . why?” My reply? “Why not?” Made me think of this thread again.

35

While I’m introverted at heart, I can be very rambunctious socially. Mr. Cranky is very quiet and introverted. Extremely so. I got some odd reactions–some of them downright rude–when we first started going out. Like people saying “I never would have pictured you with someone like him” or “Are you sure this is the guy for you?” or “What, does he hate us or something? I can’t get a word out of him.” It was infuriating, that they’d think they could judge him like that after one or two meetings. Yet I did sometimes feel frustrated at him when we were out in social situations. I’d formerly dated a guy who had never met a stranger. He could talk to anyone (and frequently did) and I loved that about him. Sometimes I’d think about Mr. Cranky, “Can’t he just TRY? Can’t he pour on the charm for one night? Can’t he just be like the person he is when we’re alone together?” But I got over it.

What’s gratifying now are the reactions of people who have let time take its course and gotten to know Mr. Cranky. Because he’s wonderful, a good friend, fun to have around. It’s like Mr. Cranky is a delicious secret I have, and not everyone gets to know about it. That might sound weird, but I get a kick out of the fact that not everyone “knows” him.

There are still times when being social counts, and I wish he were more outgoing. But what really matters, I know, is the kind of person he is to ME. I’d rather have my honest, sincere, funny, warmhearted, sarcastic, faithful (but publicly quiet) Mr. Cranky than some of the Guy Smileys my friends are married to. Being “good at a party” has no correlation with being a good life partner–unless, I suppose, your life is a series of parties. And I remind myself of that every time we’re at a party and Mr. Cranky is in the corner, looking miserable, checking his watch for the 100th time in an hour.

What I really mean to say is, man, all you quiet guys are sexy. makes eyes at the ones who have posted to this thread hubba hubba!

36

and actually a major social phobic since childhood. I mean I couldn’t even make phone calls at one time. Rude is one of the nicer things I’ve been called. But none of them ever seemed to understand that it wasn’t the same as being anti-social, not that I was able to explain though. The worst part is that people just pass you by, ignore you, because you don’t know how to play the social game like they do. Makes for an intensely lonely life…

37

Damn, I killed it. :frowning:

38

Naw, I’ll bump it. I did just describe my condition (“condition” as in the way things are, not as in “A Condition”) in moderate detail, but my browser ate it, so I’ll just say take a look at my post-count compared to many other people who’ve been around 7-8 months.

39

Oh yeah, phone calls. Me, I have to really, really force myself to call friends I haven’t seen in a while. I’m afraid there’s a statute of limitations on our friendship, or we just won’t have anything to say and it’ll be uncomfortable. My fears are almost always unjustified, which is good, but on the other hand, I guess the fact that I still worry about it makes me neurotic, which is bad.

40

I forgot about phone calls. Yeah, I really hate making them. I can only do it when I’m in a certain non-anxious risk-taking mood, and if that’s not possible then I still have to take a few minutes to work up the nerve. And I have to do them completely alone – I make my husband leave the room and close the door! The worst for me is having to make important calls you can’t get out of, like calling immigration or the IRS. Also I don’t like having to talk conversationally (on the phone) to people I don’t know very well, like when family/friends pass you around to other people at New Year’s. (This year I avoided the New Year’s pass-around by staying in the bathroom the whole time, although I risked having some embarrassing comments made about me!)