How to handle being the "quiet" one?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I just came back from an out-of-state conference. I attended it with several coworkers, all nice folks. Being a lone wolf, I made sure to have my QT and take care of myself. But I also socialized after-hours…because that’s also a part of traveling for work. Bonding with coworkers and your supervisor is important. So the first two nights, I hung out alone but then made a concerted effort to hook up with other people.

The first night, I went out with two coworkers and my boss. We went to a diner (my choice). Everyone except for me ordered beers. (I’m not really supposed to drink, but even if I could, beer just isn’t my thing). They are all aficonados, so there was a lot of discussion about beer. I listened as much as I could, but I couldn’t even think of an intelligent question to ask. So I just waited for the discussion to drift as I sipped my water and smiled pleasantly.

Non-surprisingly, the conversation drifted to dirty jokes. The other female was the biggest font of them, but the other two guys–especially my boss–were in on the game too. But me? I don’t know any dirty jokes. And while I consider myself a funny person, I’m not a joke-teller. So all I could do was laugh or pretend-laugh. Some of them were disgusting and unfunny, but since I wasn’t telling any, I felt like the least I could do was be a good audience.

Second night: a bunch of coworkers and a couple of other guys that we’d just met at the conference. Everyone was a guy. Married, with kids. There were concurrent conversations going on since the crowd was large. I sat in the middle, listening out of both ears, waiting for a chance to weigh in on something. But I probably only spoke once or twice the whole night. Either the topics were something I didn’t know anything about, or I just couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

Third night: all of my coworkers, including the boss, but minus the one other woman (so there were six of us). Lots of beer-drinking, scat and sex humor, and military talk (everyone knows someone who’s been in the Marines, it seems). It seemed like whenever I’d get my thoughts together enough to chime in, this one coworker would do this annoying thing when he’d point out a non-funny double-entendre in my phrasing and it would interrupt my train of thought. I’d finally spit out what I wanted to say, and then the conversation would kind of continue on…without me.

So now that I’m back at home, I’m relieved it’s all over. It was so tiring, trying hard to be cool and yet falling short. But I don’t know what I could have done. I’m not a guy, I’m not white (yes, it matters), I don’t drink, I don’t tell dirty jokes, I don’t know anything about the military, I’m not extroverted and quick tongued, I don’t have a significant other, I don’t have children. So does this mean I’m a boring person?

How do you perceive the quiet person in your midst?

2

Does it bother you that much? I have got the impression that you have less anxiety about that than some. I have a weeklong business trip coming up and will be staying in a house with a bunch of coworkers. It sounds like we’re closer than you guys, though I fully expect to want to kill some but not all of them by the end, although things will get back to normal a week later. Most nights will probably be spent getting blotto at the house, which I’m okay with, not having to scream down the bar to talk. Thankfully one is at least as introverted as me, although my voice doesn’t travel as far. And I hate that not being able to get a word in part, so I do sympathize.

And I don’t get it either: it seems people must practice all the time to memorize jokes, etc. for situations like this. I don’t like the kinds of questions like “what is your favorite band?” I freeze up, my response would depend on the mood I’m in, etc. I would do much better with “do you like x or y better?” questions.

3

thelurkinghorror, it’s bothersome only inasmuch that it’s not enjoyable being a spectator all the time. I don’t mind being the quiet one. But I felt like the “quiet one” even when I was actively trying not to be. I don’t think it was anyone’s fault it was this way. I guess it’s just what happens when you’re the one person who doesn’t have much in common with the crowd, you’re introverted, and your voice doesn’t carry.

I have another conference to go to this week. If it’s just going to be a repeat of last week, I think I’ll just curl up with a good book and take-out and not give it a second thought.

4

I wonder if, at your next conference, you can find some more like-minded attendees to socialize with? I love conferences, and all the opportunities to meet new people - don’t feel obligated just to hang out with your colleagues, give them your excuses and find some new friends. I know, it’s probably harder than it sounds… but the nice thing about out of town conference goers is that they’re almost a captive audience, and you can be the genial host.

For your quiet voice issue, if you really want to do something about your volume and projection, take some singing lessons, or join a choir. Lots of fun, and very good for developing techniques and muscle tone in the diaphragm.

5

I can definitely relate to this situation, and most of the time I am definitely the quiet person. And no, I wouldn’t say you’re a boring person at all. In fact, why I usually don’t chime in to people’s conversations is because I find them very uninteresting and have little to add. Being around like-minded people is definitely a factor though, and not only people with similar knowledge or experiences, but fellow introverts as well. Often times extroverts are more concerned with what they’re saying then what those around them are saying, so I wouldn’t put you at fault here. Just because someone is saying something loudly and confidently doesn’t make them interesting, at least not to me.

6

Of course not

As “the quiet person”. It’s not that unusual. I wouldn’t get too worked up about these kinds of forced social functions. I had similar experiences in some jobs where I had little in common with my co-workers. Sometimes you just gotta grin and bear it. Then be glad when you’re back at home either on your own or with your real social group(s).

I would often excuse myself from those kinds of gatherings by either saying I was really tired, of that I had some work to do or something. Nothing worse than having to socialize with a bunch of people you wouldn’t normally socialize with. And is rarely fun being the one sober person in a group of inebriates.

7

For the first time in over 20 years I’m working with a group of people that I can actually socialize with comfortably. I am finally in with a bunch of techies - introverted people who like to have thoughtful, scientific conversations about a variety of topics. So going out with them at a business gathering is not a problem (at long last).

However, before this I would generally go so far as to go out for dinner with the people I was with at a convention or whatever out of town event I was at - but then excuse myself and go back to the hotel room for some quiet time. I generally found myself smiling the fake smile and interacting on a limited basis - being polite, but definitely not fully engaged. It is always hard for me in those situations - so I avoid or minimize to the extent possible.

I wouldn’t worry about being the quiet one - there are lots of us, and I think it’s good to recognize that about yourself and be fine without having to put yourself through painful experiences just to “fit in”. It is more complicated if your boss expects it of you - in that case - I got nothin’. Grin and bear it I guess. Or look for a new job with a bunch of introverts!

8

When I am at a conference I usually ditch my coworkers and put my socializing efforts into meeting new people. I mean, I already know my coworkers and see them all the time, and the point of a professional conference is to meet new people and network.
From the conversations you are describing you might be an intellectual notch or two above your dinner companions. But instead of trying to be cool, why not just be yourself? Also, making conversation is something of an art; it’s something you can learn to do and get better at with practice. And here’s another thing - I really hate those crowded dinners where there’s talking coming in both my ears and the place is a roaring din. Much as I enjoy socializing - and I really do - I cannot stand that kind of ear assualt.

9

I’m a white, married male with children, but other than that, I could’ve written the OP. I don’t drink anymore, and I don’t tell dirty jokes to coworkers. In my last job (selling industrial equipment), I was 10-20 years older than my coworkers, so it was very hard to socialize with them–I’d already been where they are in terms of drinking and carousing.

Even with peers, I find it difficult to find something in common–a couple of nights ago, I was helping decorate my daughter’s school for her 8th grade formal dance. I was blowing up balloons using the helium tank, and passing the balloons to the women (I was the only man in the room) who then tied the balloons to ribbon.

One woman remarked how quiet I was. I told her I was just listening, although I did chime in once in awhile with a remark or two. Mostly, I just smiled and was pleasant if someone said something to me.

I’ve found over the years I don’t have much in common with the people I’ve been around, so I just keep to myself and listen. It’s the old “Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool…” response. After all, I’ve opened my mouth all too often over the years and removed all doubt. So I’ve become the quiet one.

10

Your manager should have noticed and taken action, just as the host of a party would. As you indicate, part of the objective was team bonding and you were basically excluded.

11

I’m hearing-impaired. Put me in a group of people who are not close to me, I’m lost. I either pick one person to cultivate for conversation, or I simply paste the smile on my face and look all around and tell myself stories until it’s time to go.

As you can quite imagine, I try to excuse myself from such encounters most of the time.

Seriously…the “odd one out” isn’t really alone, or so odd.

Next time? Pick the person next to you, or across from you, and ask questions. If the person you pick gets distracted by the others, then pick another.

If nobody is interested in actual conversation, then it’s time to get a headache and take your leave.
~VOW

12

:confused: Why limit yourself? Show them that introverts can be just as violent as extroverts. In fact, think of all the interviews with neighbors that started with, “He seemed so quiet.”

13

I could have written the OP too. I’m usually “the quiet one,” unless I’m in a group of my friends. Work functions? Fortunately my work colleagues are a bunch of technical writers, so they usually have interesting things to discuss (no dirty jokes, thank goodness–I like a good dirty joke as well as the next person, but I don’t think they’re appropriate for work), but I almost always find it hard to jump into conversations because my interests and most of my colleagues’ are so different that they don’t have much in common (they talk about kids, wine, nice restaurants…I’m an old gamer geek who spends most of my time playing MMOs and writing fiction). They’re all nice and they don’t exclude me on purpose, but invariably I find myself sitting in the middle of a long table full of people while conversations go on at both ends and I can’t find an entry into either one. Usually I’ll chat with some individual or another for a little while, but it never lasts. I find these kinds of gatherings difficult, even though I like the people just fine.

Introverts, represent. :smiley:

14

I think many people tend to flock toward the “familiar” after-hours during a conference because during the day, coworkers gets scattered and you end up eating lunch with strangers and chit-chatting with even more strangers during breaks between sessions. That can get kind of old, too. But maybe I’ll find some artsy-craftsy, non-drinking introverts to bond with this week, and I’ll be able to have good conversations with someone.

Being myself would have meant not going out with anyone and just painting all night long! So I kind of wanted to break out of that mold for a change. However, I don’t think I was being fake or anything. I mean, I fake-laughed a lot, but I didn’t jump up on any tables and flash my titties or anything. I just didn’t dig any of the scenes I was in. I really really wanted to fit into the group dynamic, but I couldn’t find my place in it.

15

I don’t worry too much about it. I’m quiet in new situations, but I get much more talkative once I get more comfortable, so I don’t put a lot of importance on being quiet at the start.

As for quiet people in general, I like them just fine. I don’t feel the need to fill every second with jibber-jabber, and neither do they. My only problem with quiet people is the ones who just won’t talk, period. I can only carry the conversational ball so far, then I get tired and want to talk to someone who will at least make an effort to contribute to their end of the conversation.

16

Introverts tend to do best with very small groups of people. You’ll wear yourself out if you throw yourself into the middle of a crowd, especially if you have little in common with them.

Conference socializing is an activity that drains me moreso than most other things. You spend all day surrounded by people, trying to focus your attention on the speakers, juggling all kinds of paraphenalia (programs, bags, name badges, other crap) from room to room, making small talk with acquaintances, trying to entertain yourself during breaks…when all of that is over, all I want to do is decompress in my room and lose myself to the internet.

I read “The Introvert Advantage” a couple of months ago. There were some parts in there that seemed like a stretch and I didn’t identify with all of it, but a lot of what the author wrote resonated with me. She gives some tips for all to navigate certain social situations that are outside the typical introvert’s comfort zone.

17

Here’s what I think: there are always at least one or two people who are the alphas in a conversation. They’re the people who feel they absolutely must be heard and will interrupt you and make digs at you if they even give you an opportunity to talk. Then there are the people who are on middle ground, sometimes they’re one of the alphas, just a little more toned down. They’re less likely to interrupt, though still tossing in their two cents.

Then there are the introverts. I actually appreciate the introverts a little more than the rest because they don’t make asses of themselves by blurting out everything that comes to mind, especially in semi-professional situations. And even when you’re not at work, if you’re out with work people on company business, you’re still in what should be considered a semi-professional situation.

So if I were in your situation, I’d probably fall somewhere around the middle ground to participate, but I’d respect your choice to be quiet if the material turned toward something you either weren’t familiar with or weren’t comfortable with. Especially with respect to the sex and scat jokes, I might even try to steer the conversation away from that, though with alphas and booze, that’s not usually possible.

18

I can identify with this quite a bit, even with my close friends. One way to move forward with fitting in the group would be to start/join into a small conversation with the person next to you, as a related offshoot of the larger conversation. Also, remember that you don’t have to have something big/important/funny to say to become a part of the group. Sometimes just saying, “Wow, that’s amazing”; chuckling at an outlandish joke and laughingly saying “I can’t believe you said that”; or even asking a small rhetorical question about a part of a story - “The lion tried to eat the baby through a glass door” - is enough. Just a few unobtrusive interjections makes your voice part of the conversational chorus and your energy part of the group dynamic.

So, in addition to searching out crafters for social interaction, I would encourage you to hang out with your co-workers again at this next conference. Since the conferences are so close together, the group dynamic will be different this time - most of the non-alphas will not be quite as interested in listening to the alphas and there will be more room/acceptance for other people to speak up.

In regards to what people think about the “quiet one” - I have found that as long as I’m actively listening and reacting appropriately to the discussions no one gives much thought to my limited contribution. Remember that your co-workers already know you and are not expecting you to behave wildly differently than when you’re at the office. No one will think badly of the “quiet one” unless they feel you’re being judgemental of them.

19

I’ve got to say that “go on a killing spree, it’s traditional” was my first thought upon seeing the thread title. :smiley:

20

While it depends on the type of employment, talking shop can help. There’s a commonality, often shared gripes about work, and sometimes you even learn something new about what’s going on.