In Memory of Daryl

I never knew Daryl. Now I never will.

He’s a teenager whom Andygirl knew and counseled, a kid with a secret – he was gay. His parents were fundamentalists.

Now he’s dead – a suicide.

Andy tells the story, in little more detail than I’ve given in this thread, here.

And I have only one question to ask: how much promulgation of dogma founded on selective Bible quotes is worth his life? Why should anyone have to feel so worthless in the eyes of his family and friends that he needs to kill himself?

I never knew Daryl. But I’m so disgusted by the attitudes that led to his death, and so angry that we’re allowing them to fester, that I just had to let it out here.

Rest in the peace you never knew on Earth, young man, and may light perpetual shine upon you. May the angels rejoice to welcome you to a home where more love is shown than the one you endured here.

And may your parents come to repent, too late, of the evil in their hearts that cost them a child.

Beautiful thoughts, Polycarp.

And may I add my own… the intolerance led that poor kid to his death was a sin, not the simple fact he was gay. There’s something very wrong in the world.

so sad
so angry.

Thank you, Polycarp.

Polycarp, thank you for your post. I can’t say much here because I’m so full of venom and anger right now that I don’t think I can post rationally.

My two cents:

For some people, their love for a rule book is more important than their love for their child.

Am I amazed by this? No, especially not after what I’ve heard from various posters here. I am sickened by it, tho. Especially since it continues to go on and the perpetrators remain willfully ignorant.


Well, from what I know of a person’s mindset at the point of suicide, his parents succeeded in one thing. You see, I’ve been at that point, and it is the closest thing I know of to hell. It’s a bit like having your soul ripped from your body inch by inch. What disgusts me is I get the impression there are people who would say his parents are destined for heaven while Daryl is destined for hell. I will not worship a god who decrees that, because to me that god is no more than a demon. I’ll be praying for Daryl’s soul this evening, and those of his parents, in the hopes that his parents may learn from this. They’ve certainly paid a high price for the lesson.


If you can find prayers appropriate to say for the parents, CJ, please do so in my behalf as well. It’s shameful of me, I know, but I can’t. Thanks!

So very sad.
Rest in peace Daryl.

Thank you for posting that, polycarp

There is too much bitterness abd sadness in me right now to really add anything else.

Thanks, Freyr. One of the best and most succinct observations I have ever seen. :frowning:

My own two cents worth : I personally believe that “fear” is the operative word here, not “love”.
How terrified of life and their own ability to cope with it must someone be, to reject their own child in order to continue to grasp the dogma that keeps them “safe”?
bloody, bloody, bloody, fucking, hell.
People, please don’t hate the parents. They get to spend the rest of their lives either continuing to rationalise that the death of their child was just and right, or facing the possibility that he may have lived if they had had the courage to open their hearts and accept at least a little uncertainty into their lives.
It’s FEAR, damnit, that drives people to behaviour that has such unimaginably horrendous consequences.
What can they do? Shrivel and die, little by little over the years and decades to come, as they try to comfort themselves by telling themselves that they did the righteous thing? Or alter their beliefs and face the possibility that they were wrong, and that their mistake deprived them of the opportunity to love their child? And maybe he died for want of that love?
I am not a parent, but I cannot imagine a worse hell that these people have cast themselves into.
Current belief : the only attitude that gives any hope for people and their children is compassion.

The hate has to stop somewhere. Someone has to stop hating first. Unilaterally.

People do their best. They really do.

Oh, hell. :frowning:

How on Earth could parents love themselves (ie: their way of seeing the world, their “rules”) more than they loved their child?


You are supposed to cherish your babies above any philosophy. This is what gives children the power they have to change parents’ lives; the way they challenge and open minds. How could two people be so unfeeling that they are closed to that? Monsters.

I read about this earlier this evening, and am just as angry, but not surprised.

WTF is wrong with people? I can’t imagine anything worse than being fundamentally rejected by the people who brought me into the world. We live with enough hate and intolerance.

What a waste of a great kid.

You now, intellectually I agree completely with this. But when something like this happens, it’s hard. Hating is so much easier than loving or forgiving.

I’m on a mailing list for parents. I’ve been there for 5 years and one thing that scares me shitless is the parents who are fundamentalist and who are absolutely clear that their children Will Not Be Gay. It’s just not going to happen. God wouldn’t let it.

These are loving committed parents. It’s terrifying to me to see them say that their kids will not make the choice to be gay. I guess if you frame gay as a choice, then you can rationalise rejecting your kid.

It’s just all too overwhelmingly sad and tragic and wasteful.

This isn’t the answer that will help you, nor will it especially help me, but I think it is about as close as I can come to the truth:

They probably equate homosexuality with murder, adultery, etc. So their son telling them that he is gay and not (this is my guess) about to let them subject him to conversion therapy is probably like him telling them he’s a murderer and they just have to live with it. They can’t (or so they think) and they won’t (because they don’t want to … think pride here).

Their pride is too great to “allow” their son to be just that: their son. So they possibly “give him the option” to become straight and stay with them as their son (although probably not in the sense he had been). Or, more possibly, they say “Get out of our house now. You are a stranger to us.” Maybe don’t even allow him to pack anything except Leviticus in giant font. And this in winter. If it’s anywhere near where I am, it’s still going through that snow/rain period, so he might find himself homeless and utterly in despair for days or weeks.

What utter hell to have your parents, the ones who are most called upon to care for you, turn their backs on you. I don’t even want to think about how truly wretched (which is as weak a word right now as any and at the same time the strongest I can find) that must be.

And so you decide there is one thing you can control. You can’t make your parents accept you, and the pain involved … no. Not going there. So you decide you will take the one form of control you can: control over your own life.

And so you end it yourself, because in your parents’ eyes it already is.

Poly, my suggestion to you is to pray that someone (doesn’t really matter who) show them the error of their thinking so they can devote the rest of their lives to mourning their son … he may have pulled the trigger, so to speak, but they are the ones who gave him reason.

And in time, maybe they will be able to ask God’s forgiveness, on prostrate knee, with tears streaming down their faces as they realize what an utterly precious gift they have just thrown away, for theirs was not the son to sacrifice: His was, and He did that so their son could live, even after death

And now he does with his parents’ Savior.

I would like to think that the real Jesus, the one whose message of love is so frequently overlooked by the people who claim to follow his teachings, would indeed see the hatred to be the true sin here. And if my hopes were true, then he would be in agreement with you when you say this. Indeed, “love the sinner, hate the sin.”

And if there is an afterlife and my Jesus is overseeing it, I would expect that he would welcome Daryl to His kingdom with an embrace and words of comfort.

How old was he?

Goddammit. I was thinking of saying, Is it enough of a punishment that now you’re completely without a son anymore? You said you didn’t have one and now you don’t. Then I thought, The kid’s death isn’t their punishment. It’s their crime.

They have blood on their hands as surely as if they had put the knife in himself. The blood of their blood, the flesh of their flesh. Foul, unnatural murder.

No more compromises. No more mealy-mouthed, cowardly platitudes about respect of others’ beliefs. I do not respect beliefs that can so ruin a young man as to make him believe that he is so filthy and useless that destroying himself is preferable to continuing to live. I do not respect parents that prefer an abstraction to the beating heart of their son. I do not respect beliefs whose only function and result is to bleed warm life to the ground. I do not respect beliefs when that respect means that abundant hope will not be provided to those judged unworthy for the sin of love.

I do not respect beliefs that are incompatible with life. I do not respect beliefs that are incompatible with love romantic or filial. A mother who so believes is not a mother, a father who so believes is not a father, and their beliefs of no value. I will supersede those beliefs. I will overcome them. I will save people from them. I will stand in their way, I will pull them from the edge. I would rather young men and women abandoned their parents to life rather than to death. Get thee behind me.

Theirs is an abominable sin, not to be named among civilized people, and it will probably destroy them.

But it won’t destroy anyone else, not while I have something to say or do about it. I swear to the Lady and the Lord that the line must be drawn here and no further.

In this fateful hour,
I place all Heaven with its power,
And the sea with its deepness,
And the rocks with their steepness,
And the fire with all the strength it hath,
And the lightning with its rapid wrath,
And the winds with their swiftness along their path,
And the snow with its whiteness,
And the sun with its brightness,
And the night with its darkness,
And the earth with its starkness;
All these I place
By the Gods’ almighty help and grace
Between my brothers and sisters, and those who would harm us.

Dear Polycarp and Andygirl -

jeremy evil here. I wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you and anyone who has had to endure this kind of insanity.

It is a sad day when the parents who gave us life can so readily deny us - as GLBT people - life. It saddens me that this happened.

Daryl - may you rest in peace. I hope that the God who created him accepted Daryl into His heaven without judgment, and I pray for his parents who now weep for his passing. (Well, do they really?)

When I told my parents that I was HIV+ they walked away too. I was told that my homosexuality was not condoned by my family. I stuck it out and found people that helped me stay alive. Daryl did not get that chance. But I am encouraged that Daryl has heard from God’s mouth that he was a loved young man - and now Daryl will share in his inheritance in heaven with the angels who were shunned on earth. They will rejoice together in heaven for all eternity. Daryl HAS the truth - direct from God’s lips.

It is really ironic that Daryl’s parents believed one truth and they preached their truth - a truth that killed their son. WHO was right? Daryl’s parents will never know what their son could have brought to his corner of the world - but it brings me hope that he will add his prayers for all of us still here on earth to the altar in heaven.

Daryl is an angel among us and heaven now - we should pray that he minister to his parents from his heavenly home - and I pray that they (his parents) repent for the rest of their lives the tragic mistake they made in denying their son an existence as a gay young man.

But I know that Daryl is alive in all of us if we keep his light shining in our hearts - and I for one can say with pride: *We will not forget you, Daryl. I may not know you, but when I die, I hope you are there to welcome me home.

Daryl, you are the light and the angel of those who may walk this road tomorrow - I pray that you help them whatever choice they make. May we all say - enough misery and judgementalism. *

Each of us has some concept of a God or Higher Power or Creator - I will pray tonight that God blesses this young man and all those who had the opportunity to know him.

Polycarp, Andygirl: you are in my thoughts tonight. My prayers go out to you.

  • jeremy evil (PWA)

Please don’t let this thread die…