God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Other Book
__ Television
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth
__ Near Death Experience
__ Tabloids
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ who?
__ Other (specify): _____________
Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yahweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ God
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
__ don’t know what you’re talking about.
Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
__ don’t know
Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were you
fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Cthulhu
__ Zeus
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Apollo
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Ra
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ Bill Clinton
__ Ronald Reagan
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The Moon
__ A burning cabbage
__ drugs
__ Other: ________________
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ The Illuminati
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other:_____________________
__ None
God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don’t know…what’s Divine Intervention?
God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God’s services?
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary): If you are able to complete the
questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off
boxes by August 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your
Choice drawing (chances of winning are approx. 1x10^256, depending on
number of beings entered).
My favorite: “Which model God did you acquire?” Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle for me.
Close second: “How did you find out about God?” Burning shrubbery! I like the fact that only one guy, EVER, found out by means of burning shrubbery but God still lists it on the questionnaire, just in case.
My godlessness dave, my coworkers think I’ve finally lost it. I definitely needed a hysterical laugh.
To answer the OP:
How did you find out about God?
x Other (please specify): mother
Which model God did you acquire?
x Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
x No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
God made the guy standing in front of me at Mass wiggle his buttocks. It was quite distressing.
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply.
x Indoctrinated by parents
Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
x drugs
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
x Playboy and/or Playgirl
x Self-help books
x Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
x Alcohol
x Human Sacrifice
x Pyramids
x Wandering around a desert
God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?
The entire existence versus nonexistence thing is getting to me. Enough of this “faith” BS. Let’s have some proof.
How did you find out about God?
XX Other (specify): Mother, Father, relatives in general. Also the phrase “There is a God!”
Which model God did you acquire?
XX Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
XX Yes
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? Please check all that apply.
XX Indoctrinated by parents
XX Indoctrinated by society
XX Desperate need for certainty
XX Like Organ Music
Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
XX Barney T.B.P.D.
XX The Great Pumpkin
XX Cindy Crawford
XX Other: Mr. Poo
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
XX Barney T.B.P.D.
XX None
God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
@. More Divine Intervention
God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 0 1 2 3 4 5
AOL -15 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 0 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever -15 1 2 3 4 5
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?
How did you find out about God?
X Other(specify):parents, teachers, sales staff a church
Which model God did you acquire?
X Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet Bundle
Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes XXX No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
I never received my promised God. I paid, but so far have only received testimonials and anecdotes about the God, but have never seen an actual product. Sure it looks great in all the ads, but I haven’t gotten mine yet. WHERE IS IT?!?!
What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply.
X Indoctrinated by parents
X Indoctrinated by society
X Wanted to meet girls/boys
Have you ever worshiped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
X Other: Just your lousy scam.
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
X None
God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
@. More Divine Intervention
(Would prefer to see any divine intervention.)
God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
N/A Have not been able to try product. Have not received product yet. Still waiting.
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?
When am I going to get my God? You folks are nothing but cheap rip-off artists. I want my money back. Who do I have to sue?
Alternative version, I thought of rating it like service at a restaurant.
Dear Restaurant:
My service has been pitiful. My God gave the worst service I have ever encountered. First I had to wait around 9 years before I could even get baptized, then I had to wait around forever. I was given plenty of copies of the menu (bible), with lots of descriptions of the entrees, and testimonials about others’ dining experiences, but no one ever came to take my order. My God never showed up. Even in the stories he disappears halfway through, and sends his son in to clean up his mess. And he takes off after a few years, something about being resurrected and preparing the way to heaven. What about my meal? I finally got fed up and left. Your restaurant is the worst I’ve ever been in, and lets not even discuss the health code violations. (Feces in food?) I refuse to return to your location.
ROFL … This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long long time. It’s funny, because I am just about to launch my Luke For God campaign seeign as the current office holder is no longer up to scratch.
