I started this, and by Yuffie Kisaragi’s socks I’m going to finish it. (FYI, I’m in the Tifa X Yuffie camp. I have my reasons. ;))
I must say that although I’m not quite as positive about this season as I was at the premiere, I’m pleasantly surprised that, after all the incredible trials and tribulations and aches and pains I’ve endured over the years, this has once again become one of the best reality shows around. I mean, not GREAT, certainly not must-see TV, but of all the shows that I was more or less forced to watch this year, this was the one I mostly didn’t mind. When I think of what happened to the other reality shows I was avid about in the past…Survivor, The Amazing Race, American Ninja Warrior, America’s Got Talent, American Idol, Shark Tank, heck, even Hell’s Kitchen was fun in a dumb slapsticky kind of way…as well as concepts like Whodunit, Strong, and Spartan Ultimate Team Challenge that had the potential to really take off and just never got a chance, the fact that this cornball show centered around has-beens and whodats can survive for 28 seasons and still be watchable and even occasionally entertaining is nothing short of incredible.
The finale! In seasons past this could actually have been the deciding factor in a tight race, but now it’s essentially an exhibition round. The fanbases have been set, the lovable underdog vote-splitters have been disposed of, and the difference between the judges’ scores will be statistically meaningless. It’s even more meaningless with such a small voting window due to there being no separate results show, and more so yet so with that stupid voting-only-during-live-show-on-East-Coast thing which I still have no goddam idea what the hell it was supposed to solve. Bottom line, nothing I or anyone else in the far-flung land of Hawaii does is going to have any meaningful impact on the end result, so I’m just going to stay tuned and hope for the best.
Here goes.
0:01 Big blowout of pros performing Last Dance by…I don’t know, before my time. After a few seconds we cut to the finallists, each standing on a letter of “DWTS”. Back to the floor, where the pros show remarkable synchronicity, especially considering that a few of them were here about as long as a commercial break. Seriously, screw anudda wun bi da dus forever.
0:03 All right, obligatory precompetition bull session. Obligatory dumb crap by Erin Andrews…white noise…more white noise…hold the phone, CHER is performing tonight? :eek: As in “Sonny And”? That Cher?? Sheesh, I know that television in general is obsessed with 60’s music to the point of psychological disorder, but to put someone who performed during that time period on stage??? :eek::eek::eek: (I’m using eek smileys on a DWTS thread??? :eek:)
Ally Brooke. Say what you will about her dancing ability, she’s overcome a ton of crap to get to where she is, and she’s handled the unwarranted criticism with grace and tact. I don’t give a damn that she was overscored. The judges overscore lots of contestants; it’s ridiculous to scream about it in this one instance. I wouldn’t be upset in the slightest if she were to pull off the upset victory.
One of the backstage scenes shows her partner putting up a huge “9 9 9” on the wall. The middle 9 falls down, whereupon he immediately jumps in with “That’s where the 10 is going to go!” I mention this because genuinely funny moments are vanishingly rare on this show, and that actually came kinda close. 
On with the show! She steps out in a…
…oh, come on.
The song is Proud Mary. You know, the one where the opening proceeds at the speed of a glacier and lasts for about two hours, whereupon it does a nonsensical speed-up and the singer sounds like she has an entire diorama’s worth of cotton in her mouth? One of the rare songs that, although it’s annoying to begin with, nearly everyone who does it makes it even more annoying.
And of course, Brooke has to sing the first part. Come on!
Dance itself is fine but really short for some reason. Since the judges obviously love her, it’s a given that they’re going to give her a tongue bath, followed by a largely undeserved 30, which I call “the usual” because it happens all the damn time in the final. Aaaaand…yep. Oh, and apparently Tonioli is still young enough to give a damn about his birthday. Good to know.
0:14 Lauren Alaina. She sounds genuinely stunned that she made it this far. Maybe there were a couple other contestants who deserved it more, but luck and happenstance are still a thing, not to mention dumb voters; no surprise…
…oh, COME ON. The song for her first dance? Jolene. The weird thing is, country music is fairly popular in Hawaii, and I don’t remember hearing this song even once growing up, and once reality TV hit it big I’ve heard it performed like 10 times. And I cannot even imagine a song that’s not only utterly regressive (Seriously, stealing boyfriends? That’s still a freaking thing??) but doesn’t click with me at all. Let me put it this way: When I hear a woman describing another woman’s ravishing beauty in painstaking detail, my thoughts gravitate far less toward “woman scared of losing her boyfriend” than “fun activity that I’ve purchased a great many DVDs of from multiple NSFW websites”. Yeesh. (Also, Dolly Parton is a truly wonderful human being, and the fact that this has become That Freaking Song Every Time for her is sickening.) Two terrible songs in as many dances. What a way to start the night, huh? :smack:
The dance? Whatever. Either she’s fatigued (always a risk with contestants who never expected to last this long) or she realizes that nothing she does tonight matters and is phoning it in, but it’s absolutely nothing special. Bergeron almost forgets to get comments from Goodman, and I’m honestly starting to wonder how of much of this crap he can take. 9’s across the board, which is the absolute lowest anyone is going to get tonight, but she’s a big girl so we don’t have to worry about her ranting about it on Twitter or anything.
0:26 Kel Mitchell. A bit full of himself, and he’d be toast if James Van Der Beek hadn’t had his heart ripped out. He mentions how he’s improved, and he has, just not enough for my liking. Will it be enough for the trophy?
Song is athletic and cheerful, which is a point in his favor. And then the dance proper begins, and…damn. I never thought I’d be saying this, but he has the exact same problem as Sean Spicer…it’s the same thing every time. A lot of hopping, a lot of bouncing around, a lot of energetic flailing, and then a 15-30 second segment where he breaks completely away from his partner and dances alone. (I’m sorry, but that should not happen.) He never takes risks, never goes one inch out of his comfort zone, never tries to make it look like what the announcer says it is. And that’s carried him straight to the final. How big is that one children’s movie, anyway?
The usual from the judges, of course. :rolleyes:
0:32 Preview of the upcoming season of The Bachelor. I find it hilarious how a woman can go on a reality TV show where the whole goddam premise is a man doing sexy stuff with multiple women, and she acts all hurt when he does sexy stuff with multiple women. And by “hilarious” I mean “pretty pathetic”. And by “pretty” I mean “hideously, galactically, apocalyptically, when-the-hell-is-The-Titan-Games-coming-back-dammit”. :rolleyes:
0:38 Hannah Brown. Still the prohibitive favorite to win this thing, and despite a few naysayers at Primetimer (good site overall, but I don’t know what the heck they’re grumbling about sometimes), I’m perfectly cool with that. So she won The Bachelorette, so what? No one’s trying to bar Roger Federer from Wimbledon because he’s won enough Grand Slam titles or strip the Bantamweight title from Amanda Nunes because she’s had it long enough and it’s time to give someone else a chance. If you earned it, it’s yours, end of story.
The dance? Graceful, elegant, fluid. There’s just no backing down or quit in her. She’s the only contestant who really impressed me as a ballroom dancer, and even though that means essentially nothing now, it’s still great to see someone who respects the medium.
So of course the judges…oh, come on, what is this? Goodman and Tonioli are totally sandbagging her! And just to show that they mean it, they give her 9’s, giving her the second lowest score of the first round. Now, I understand how in the past they’d give slightly unwarranted criticism to heavy favorites, both to make it look like a contest and to ensure that the votes would keep coming in and there wouldn’t be a shocking elimination, but those issues have long since gone by the wayside. There is absolutely no point in going low here. I have to assume either force of habit or network mandate, either of which would be just sad.
0:49 Highlight reel set to Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship. Way more stuff by ex-NBA players and really old women than I would’ve liked. And no, putting Spicer on does not look any less moronic in hindsight.
0:52 Oh geez, here it comes. It’s the single most utterly joyless part of the final night, the Shoving of The Eliminated Contestants Onto The Stage Together. I tell you, nothing says “entertainment” like an immobile geezer who was out there for one flippin’ episode get thrown out again after a two month layoff! :rolleyes::smack: (Seriously, anudda wun bi da dus can die in a fire.) And of course let’s not forget Van Der Beek, whom the judges sensibly spared the pressure of competing in the final while he’s dealing with the worst goddam tragedy of his life but who’s still required to pretend to give a crap about this show one more time. Spicer, of course, appreciates having one last chance to yuk it up on national television before he’s cast into the abyss of forgotten washed-up right wingers forever, but the rest of the bunch would most likely rather be doing anything else, and it shows. (Not a fan of Pitbull of Ne-Yo, so no comment there.)
1:00 It’s time for the highlight of the season, THE FREESTYLES!! Boy, this was a lot of fun when we had pros who had some creativity! :rolleyes: More tears and angst from Brooke. Honey, I feel for you, but it’s starting to get a little thick. She’s performing to Conga, which is, of course, Gloria Estefan’s That Freaking Song Every Time. Swear to Reimu, if I hear My Heart Will Go On or Who Let The Dogs Out, I am out of here. Another good effort, but there were a few rough patches; it’s pretty obvious that she’s running out of gas. Any time there are that many backup dancers, that’s a red flag. Gets the usual again, because why the hell…
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO. Actual quote: “Thank you to Jesus for this opportunity.” And just to make sure that she isn’t just cussing of whatever, she points upward as she says this. You had to go there, dammit. That’s it, all support I had for you is GONE. Get this Flying Spaghetti Monster sewage off my TV. Haaaaaaaaahh. :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
1:08 I don’t normally comment on commercials, but since I figure I’m not going to get the opportunity again, I’ll say my piece on the new Cats trailer. Ahem. I have been through the 14-year endless nightmare of childhood and the 4-year endless nightmare on goddam steroids that’s high school. During this time I was belittled, mocked, degraded, abused, and vilified on a near-daily basis, while every single one of my tormentors didn’t get so much as a slap on the wrist. I was treated as less than human, some disgusting thing to be grudgingly tolerated, and that only barely. And every single time I asked why, the adults around me, the very people who were raising me, dammit, would invariably feed me cockamamie BS that a brain-damaged 6-year-old would find insulting. In short, I know what horrifying, disgusting, disturbing, bass-ackwards, and wrong is, and a cheesy movie about anthropomorphic singing felines isn’t in the same universe. It looks fun and I’ll definitely watch it at some point. So there.
1:13 Some dumb luck prize thing where Lionel Richie gives something supposedly valuable to someone. Meh. Next.
1:14 Alaina, I know the end of the road can be hard, but…how do I put this…you’re country. There’s always a hoedown or hootenanny or yeedoggie or froofrawfreefruh or whatever for you if you want it. At least there should be. On to the extremely creative freestyle, set to some Both Major Types, where she waves around a white hat and wiggles her butt a lot. Masterful. :rolleyes: And then she has to grab the mike to belt out one freaking word, and I am officially done with this nonsense. Gets the usual, because the judges apparently just gave up on life now.
1:26 One last hurrah for the pros, set to How Will I Know by Whitney Houston. Interesting choice. It’s long been my contention that Houston had two listenable songs, the other being I Wanna Dance With Somebody, and we heard them both this season. DWTS has always had a weird balancing act with its song choices. They can’t get too alternative because that’s going to turn off their primetime reality show audience, but if they stick with the obvious “safe” choices, a lot of people are going to be furious because they’re goddam sick of those songs. (I mean, there’s a reason you’ve never heard My Heart Will Go On.) This has played a large part in the show remaining mostly tolerable; although on occasion there’s an absolute stinker (Proud To Be An American. Bleargh. Proud To Be An American. BLLEEEEEEEAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH.), on the whole the record isn’t too bad. As for the dance itself, yeah, these guys rock, as always, but I’ll say it again…I want male legs. And I know I’m not the only one! 
1:28 Tour announcement. Huh. I can understand American Idol pushing their top 10 so they can at least salvage a one hit wonder or two, but who’s willing to pay to see four people who just happened to be more popular than the rest of the field continue performing? This show has fallen far. Remember when there was a separate results show every week and the finale was a two-hour extravaganza that had all kinds of performances and skits and announcements, even looks behind the scenes? Now it’s eight performances, the eliminateds’ farewell performance, results, and some window dressing, and it doesn’t look the least bit rushed.
Brown, just before her freestyle, talks a bunch about the learning process and the scores she’s been getting. Frankly, she’s overcomplicating it. Here’s how it went: 1. You have a big fanbase that gave you a ton of votes, and 2. you were never in the bottom two, thereby you avoided stigma and got even more votes. Dance is set to that R&B song that uses the word “fire” a lot. She’s never betrayed any weaknesses or flaws…ooh, full split, nice! :)…so the only real drama is if she can finally, finally get the usual. And…she does! Now we don’t have to worry about YouTube morons whining about someone who never got a 30 winning the mirror ball trophy! 
1:39 Mitchell rambles a bit before announcing that his last dance has to be the best dance possible. Song is some hip hop. I’ve never been a fan of this style (I still think it’s just poetry recitation with a ton of baggage), but I appreciate having some variety of music on this show. All right, if he’s going to impress the audience, it has to be now. He steps out of a hot rod and…
…it’s the same thing. :smack:
And he does his own thing again. :smack::mad::smack:
I hoped choosing I Will Always Love You last week was just an anomaly, but there’s no more denying it. This man is completely hopeless.
And in a rare moment of clarity, he doesn’t get the usual because Goodman can’t accept this nonsense anymore. He points out that the dance looked the same as the first one and gives him a 9. Tons and tons of boos, complete with Inaba egging the crowd (a very low point for her, and I don’t give a damn what her excuse is), but Goodman sticks to his guns. Good on him. And might I add, anyone who’s been following this show at all over its 28 seasons and STILL does not understand that Goodman is a bitter ogre who doesn’t play nice-nice needs to get out from under that rock yesterday. I don’t care how good the shade is!
1:46 Cher steps out…holy… :eek: That’s Cher? That’s a woman who performed during the Sixties?? Not the CNN documentary series The Sixties, the actual decade? There’s even a screen showing clips from her old Sonny & Cher show, completely in black and white. She performed and became famous in an era when the vast majority of television was black and white. Color was so rare then that shows that had it used it as a selling point! (That The Monkees show that used to run on Nickelodeon was one.) I point this all out because…she looks great. Heck, more than great, fabulous. She’s in better shape now than I was…well, let’s be honest, ever. Damn. I’m pretty sure she’s had some work done, but nobody looks that great at her age just by doing some work. Just…damn.
Voice still sounds sharp as ever, too.
(We deserved to see that hug, dammit. :()
1:55 Oh, crap. The one thing I absolutely, desperately did not want to happen…happened. I would’ve been perfectly fine remaining a passive observer, being grateful for how relatively okay this show still was, then quietly nodding at whoever won and getting on with my life. Instead, I was so drawn in by the season premiere that I started paying attention week after week…and as a result, I now want someone to win. Worse, I will be unhappy if that person does not win. It’s like UrinatingTree (smart and funny guy, look him up sometime) said, the cardinal sin is to get attached. No surprise that it’s Hannah Brown. I mentioned how it’d be tough to beat her, but based on what the four finallists have done and especially after tonight, she’s the only one who deserves the trophy. Well, season 27 drove the point home that deserve got nuthin’ to do with it, so I just set myself up for a gut punch at a time of my life when I really don’t need it.
Final comments by well-wishers to each of the finallists. Here’s what I would say.
Ally Brooke: Look, being bullied sucks, and no one should have to endure the kind of crap you did. Also, I trust the judges, political pressures and all, several million more times than the moronic voting public, so I have no trouble with you being saved. I just could never buy you. You caught a massive break (if one can call it that) when Van Der Beek got hit by a nuke just when it was time to go to the whip, but even before that I was getting the sense that you weren’t fully serious about this contest, that you weren’t making the effort to do what it really took to win. And then you brought flippin’ religion into this. :rolleyes: A contender, not a champion.
Lauren Alaina: Look, you’re a good dancer. Anyone can see that. The fact remains that “beautiful country singer” is the Oregon Trail banker of reality TV, and no one roots for the house, least of all me. I never got the sense that you had any interest in challenging yourself at all or doing anything truly memorable. You were content to rack up decent numbers and let Both Major Types Nation do the rest. Remember the spectacular moments from the likes of Shawn Johnson, Stacy Kiebler, and Nicole Scherzinger? You’re not in the same league as any of them. Not an embarrassment, but you’ve gone as far as you should have.
Kel Mitchell: Look, there’s plenty to like about you. Your style of center-stage B-Boy flash would be a perfect fit for World of Dance or So You Think You Can Dance. Maybe you should have tried out for them instead of trying to cram a square peg into a round hole that seemed to get smaller and smaller every week. Did you even try to adopt a mantle of class and elegance that’s crucial for things like waltz or paso doble? Did you think you could just brute-force your way to triumph like Bobby Bones? And deep down inside you know Van Der Beek deserved this spot. Sorry, but this ain’t your game and that ain’t your trophy.
Hannah Brown: Here’s hoping. Here’s really, really super-duper hoping.
1:57 Moment of truth. In 4th place…Alaina. In 3rd place…Brooke. (Wow, that was fast.)
And now the grand, final, ultimate decision, which seems to take hours but in reality still takes way too freaking long. Ladies and gentlemen…your winner…of…Dancing…
HANNAH BROWN WINS! HANNAH BROWN WINS! I GOT WHAT I WANNTEEEDDDDDDDDD!! :D:D:D:D
1:59 Oh, and on top of that, the perfect capper! Here are the final words by Erin Andrews: “Thank you guys, thanks so much to you, I love you, thank you to our entire staff, our judges, our…” And then it ends. The biggest waste of oxygen the entire season got cut off. Glorious.
And that’ll do it. Hey, thanks to everyone for being with me all the way. Recapping this show was satisfying in a way I couldn’t have imagined and although I’m definitely not going to have the time or energy to do this again, I’m glad that I was able to go out on a high note. If this really is the final season, so much the better. Honestly, though, I don’t think it is, and that’s also fine with me. I don’t mind if DWTS lasts to season 29, or 32, or 40. It’s earned the right to exist.
Hey, we’ll always have September 16, 2019.
(Um…because this is a message board and everything is saved. I thought everyone knew that. ;))