Thanks. I did a search on my downloading program of choice. 65 hits. 64 of the Buffy song. 1 of a version by Blue Oyster Cult. They mispelled Oyster. Great. They put an umlaut on the O.
What he said. With the exception of the financial bit. We could afford another child. But we wouldn’t be able to send them both to private school, or go to Disneyland as often as we do or travel abroad.
But what it boils down to is we are parenting failures because we don’t have a burning desire for more kids. I am so deliriously happy with my son and I just don’t want any more kids.
In addition to the above, we let our son (now 6 yrs) watch the Harry Potter films (in the theater), LOTRs on DVD and play computer games like Heroes of Might and Magic IV. He’s a huge fan of Monty Python, the Flying Circus series as well as the movies, especially the Holy Grail.
Oh, and we’re also Catholic, take our son to Mass and send him to the local parish school.
Same here, and it really seems to raise the hackles of some moral folks who want to why I haven’t Been Fruitful And Multiplied. I give a couple of vague reasons (which are more or less true), but several times the person hasn’t taken the hint that it really isn’t any of their business, and have gotten into a real heated exchange with me because how DARE I not tell them the reasons for my obviously selfish and indulgent lifestyle!?!
I breastfed my youngest.
I didn’t breastfeed my oldest
I fed them peanut butter before they were a year old
My six year old drinks coffee (small amounts with milk).
My kids were allowed to co-sleep
When we got sick of that they were “Ferberized”
My daughter has been spanked.
My oldest seldom is read to (he doesn’t enjoy it).
We let them watch tv
We let them play video games
We let them eat sugar
We let them eat meat
We don’t consume only organic produce
They potty trained on their own schedule
They potty trained on their own schedule despite my attempts at coersion and bribery.
We let them believe in Santa
We let them know we dont believe in Jesus
We don’t buy my daughter Barbies or Bratz
We do buy them enough plastic that I expect to have a landfill named after them.
My six year old son has been in public restrooms by himself
My six year old son has been in the ladies room with me
My kids play outside unsupervised
My son rides his bike in the street with “minimal” supervision
My kids say “butt” and “poop” a lot.
My daughter, despite a tendancy to mix prints, is allowed to dress herself.
That’s the short list, would you like me to continue?
Yet, somehow, they are decent, intellegent kids who are not little terrors and show independence.
My parents failed in that I am genderqueer.
(Well, to hear some people tell it, “instilling” “proper” gender roles is One of the Parents’ Most Important Duties, to the extent that gays and lesbians will make worse parents due to the risk that their children mighnt not have Proper Gender Roles. The fact that my happily married heterosexual parent popped out one regular boy-type boy and one big sissy is apparently an extraneous data point.)
I have never seen Dangermouse. I am my own dangerperson. However, my personal theme song is based on Mighty Mouse’s–though I never liked Mighty Mouse, so I don’t know why that is.
My ex-husband has been making more effort to see our twelve year old for the last year or so. This averages out to about once every six weeks or so, a vast improvement over the first decade. Dad had moved hundreds of miles away, making regular visitation problematic, but Dad’s extended family continues to live about a dozen miles away from us. Grandma never exerts herself to be a part of the boy’s life, has responded to a total of two of twelve birthday party invitations, sees him for holidays only if Dad happens to be in town and makes it happen, etc. In general, she’s just not part of our lives, despite repeated efforts on my part. For years I dutifully made the drive to Grandma’s regularly for short visits, she generally ignored her grandson and tried to chat me up in some weird girl talk way and complain about her love life. I’ve not once recieved any acknowledgment of holiday presents, Grandmother’s day art projects, school pictures, etc.
This past weekend Dad was staying at Grandma’s and kept the boy for an overnight visit. The woman who has never bothered being a part of his life found time in the scant 18 hours he was away from me to give my son his first pedicure, since his nails so badly needed trimming. She horrified and embarassed my son, who’s been clipping his own toenails for years, by making a huge fuss over it and then proceeding to explain to him how a better mother would take better care of her child’s personal hygeine.
Poor fella didn’t know how the hell to respond, Mom tells him to always respect his grandparents but now Grandma’s dissing on Mom and she’s not even there to defend herself, and he doesn’t want Grandma touching his toes and why can’t he just go play video games with Dad anyway?
The boy’s too young to understand that of course she’d never diss me to my face, I’d simply laugh and list her “accomplishments” back at her: 5 kids, 1 a permanent basement dweller, 1 on a tether, 1 that disowned her decades ago, 1 substance-abuser that can’t hold a job and 1 ‘dutiful’ child that hovers near a nervous breakdown largely due to the complex co-dependancy with her.
Moron.
My condolences on their having a Regular Boy Type. How hard that must have been on them .
I, too, failed to become a parent. Not that I wanted to. Which makes it worse, in the eyes of some. :rolleyes:
Bravo Dangerosa - sounds like you’re doing all the wrong things right.
My parents are fixated on table manners - perhaps it’s a generational thing. My kids have generally good manners at the table. But they sometimes set it witht he knives were the forks should be - and my mother will raise a huge stink and go into these didactic riffs about how to set a table properly. Then I get the pointed comments about my failings to give the kids this crucial instruction.
My mom also raves about the great table manners of my cousin’s kids and how nice it is that my cousin cares about that stuff.
Of course, cousin’s kids have bounced in and out of “special” high schools designed to meet the needs of rich social misfits, in and out of colleges etc. etc. One is still in high school, one is thinking about going back to college and one is in her third college with a third career goal in mind.
My table-manner deficient kids are doing quite a bit better, thank you very much.
My son has scandalized the mothers of quite a few of his peers’ parents because he sells Magic cards and things of that ilk to them for a profit. If they give their kids large allowances, of course they’ll plunk down money for something they want. Duh. Sometimes they buy stuff at Wall Mart and sometimes my son sells it to them (he buys it cheap off Ebay or from a game store). I’m not sure why it bugs the parents so much. Maybe they see this as a precursor to drug dealing or something.
18 year old son does not make his bed or clean his room and bathroom unless his grandmother (paternal one) is coming to visit and hasn’t done so since he was about 9. I know he’s capable of doing it, he could keep a tidy room and bathroom at age 4 and I’m not going to do it for him, no matter how bad it gets. A reasonable person cannot and will not want to enter his room and bathroom because of the clothes, back pack, school books and projects, shoes, various athletic gear, trash and grime on the desk, chest, bed, counters and floor. He also loathes the kitchen and will go hungry rather than cook or prepare a sandwich or shake for himself. If we want him to eat regularly, we have to prepare it. He will cook and eat if he gets hungry enough, but by and large he’d rather wait until someone gets worried he hasn’t eaten yet that day.
On the up side he’s kind, well mannered, respectful, makes good grades in honors math and science classes, chooses fine young people as friends, has known what he wants to be when he “grows up” since he was 3 and is remarkably focuses on it. He stretches himself by occassionally accepting a challenge or call to do new or frightening things, like speaking in public, or being on an organizing committe for a youth conference. He keeps a summer job, volunteers in community and church organizations and has a fabulous (and gentle) sense of humor. He doesn’t smoke, drink or do drugs, hang out or carouse and we never had to set a hard curfew because he never pushed the envelope that hard and he was willing to set the time he would be home when I asked, so that I wouldn’t worry. He does have responsibilities around the house outside of his bedroom and bathroom that he usually fulfills them as required (if late now and then) without a fuss. He works hard, he plays hard and he’s happy.
He just doesn’t clean his room.
At that age, neither did I. Keeping my room a mess was a way to keep my mother out of it. When I kept it tidier, she would occasionally go in and look around, and once even threw out my portfolio. Keeping it knee deep kept her out.
When I went off to college, I kept my dorm room neat, as it was not fair to impose my mess on someone else.
Um, where to start?
I breastfed my oldest for 28 days-inadequate, despite my illness at the time.
I breastfed my second for 14 days-even worse, no illness this time!
I breastfed my third for 6 months-inadequate, should have been one year, minimum.
I let all of them sleep on their tummies-had 2 of 'em pre-current thinking re: SIDS.
I didn’t go check on any of them with a mirror to see if they were breathing while napping.
I left them in the bath, unsupervised for short periods, when they were 4.
I let them eat sugar/Brthday cake upon turning one year old.
I made them take naps.
I refuse to buy them crap at the check-out stand, ever.
I refused to let them have TV/Nintendo in their rooms, but gave them cell phones upon turning 12.
I never fussed about their oral intake–if they weren’t hungry, so be it.
I didn’t make my daughter wear little girl dresses etc to school. (amazing the hostility that engenders) and she never wanted bows, etc in her hair. She never liked pink, or purple, either.
I let my sons play dress-up–and I let them cry (!).
Story for you: reading about the ghosts, that reminded me of when my daugher was about 2 and 1/2. I dropped her at my MIL’s (I did not do this often–she’s batshit insane) and went on my way. They played dollhouse and my daughter said that the lil girl doll was “bad” and had to go into the closet for the whole time they played.
I came back to 1. a lecture on proper discipline techniques and 2. the prayers from batshit insane MIL that I would take her advice and “lead with love” (this from an alchoholic, neurotic–think Marie on “Raymond” and you have her on a good day…)
She never did ask HOW I disciplined my daughter-just assumed that I would put her in a closet.
She wonders now why we aren’t close. :rolleyes:
Now that 2 of them are teens–I let them plan their weekends. I let them express hostile thoughts/feelings about adults in their lives (in private–and they know how to behave in public). I tell them that adults must be treated with respect, which is not the same as respecting all adults. I let them dye their hair. I let them choose their music…hell, I let them be people, not reflections of my ego.
Judging by a debate in which I’m currently engaged on a parenting message board, I’m a complete failure as a mother because I didn’t have a natural, medication-free homebirth. I hate to think what they’d say if they knew I didn’t breastfeed!
My three-year-old doesn’t always do what he’s told right away. Hmph. Show me a three-year-old who does!
Neither of my boys has been baptized, and I’ve not even figured out what religion (if any) they’re going to be yet. My SO is Catholic, and I’m not even Christian, so it’s completely up in the air. I refuse to discuss it with any of their grandparents.
I let the oldest eat junk food sometimes. It’s just not fair for me to scarf all the Doritos without sharing.
My sons are both circumcised. I can’t even begin to tell you how heated the debates about that can get! Wait, we see those debates here, too, from time to time.
I let my oldest son watch TV. He likes Sesame Street, and Miffy & Friends, and Cops, and those “wildest police chase” shows. He’s a little boy, and lots of little boys like cars and car chases. Seems normal enough to me, but some people seem to think it’s like letting him watch bestiality porn.
He also likes dolls and frilly pink things. I let him play with my old dolls, and you’d think I’m training him to be a serial killer, by some people’s reactions. I somehow acquired a little pink shirt (I assume one of my friends left her daughter’s shirt at my place while doing laundry), and I let him wear it when he wants. Eh, if wearing pink clothes is his little form of toddler rebellion, fine with me. Certain people keep telling me that he’ll be gay if I let him wear pink. As if I care, and yeah, I’m sure that’s what makes people gay. :rolleyes:
I’m a horrible stepmom because I helped the boy dye his hair blue when he was six. He wanted to. Begged his father and me, in fact. It was so important to him! He was staying with us for a month, so we dyed just the ends of his hair – not all the way to the roots – so that it looked blue in the mirror for him. He was so proud and loved the way it looked. It was pretty darn cute.
He cried and cried when it was time to go home and he had to have a haircut to take off the blue ends, but that was the agreement we had made before we started. We took a picture of him with blue hair that he could show his friends back home, and packed him onto the plane back home to his mother with his normal, blond hair freshly cut.
Boy did we get a phone call that night! Something about how “when he grows up and needs therapy, you’re going to pay for it because it’s all your fault!”
:rolleyes:
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at some of these posts.
My husband once told me that the red raincoat I had bought for our son was a “girl” color. (?!) :rolleyes:
Yep, my sons wore pink shirts, and my daughter just died her hair red…somehow, I"m not worried!
My son slept in his own crib from Day 1 (horror from the attachment parenting types)
My daughter (5 months) still sleeps with us (horror from the in-law types)
My son is not circumsized (horror from, again, you guessed it, the in-laws)
My daughter does not have pierced ears (horror from MY family)
My son gets an M&M every time he uses the potty like a big boy (oh my god, his teeth are going to rot and fall out!!!)
I let my son play with my dollhouse (gasp! a girly toy!) He likes it and if it makes him happy, it makes me happy.
He also watches Jimmy Neutron and the other night, my husband let him watch Avatar (some weird anime-like cartoon on Nick).
My daughter spends an inordinate amount of time in the exersaucer because I spend all day working and then all evening dealing with velcro-toddler-boy while trying to clean the kitchen, make bottles for daycare, clean my breastpump, make my lunch, pick up toys, potty train (and dole out M&M’s), pick out jammies and clothes for tomorrow, etc–she doesn’t seem to mind and in fact looks on with what seems to be amusement. No, my husband is not completely usesless, he’s just, well, mostly useless 
If it’s not obvious from the previous point, the kids are in daycare. All day. Most days about 10 1/2 hours since the best daycare we can afford (accredited with nice people) is a ways from our workplaces.
So am I a failure? I don’t know. I worry about it enough that I just ordered this book . I also found the “Mommy Madness” article in Newsweek last week very insightful (sorry–it seems to be in their fee-based archive section now).
mmm…Buffy Soundtrack!
After seeing the musical episode for the first time my father now want my little sister to use Going Through the Motions as her English language Solo and Ensemble solo.
I don’t have much else to add as I don’t have children and discussing my parents “failures” with my sisters and I will just make me laugh until I weep. (My parents focused on a parenting style that supported independence ASAP. Anna loved mixing plaids and polka dots, Becca didn’t like sleeping more than a few hours a night, and I…well…I’m special in too many ways. Anna now goes to an extremely challenging art school, Becca continues to be a high energy very creative artist, and I’m still special. Traditional advice just failed on us, but we’re amazing people.)
I think a lot of what you are “supposed” to do focuses over much on making a good child, not growing a good adult. I think that is a weakness.