In the eyes of other people, how have you "failed" as a parent?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have no idea where I’m going with this: if it has a cohesive theme, great! If not, c’est la vie.

This weekend Sophies grandmother, in the midst of a discussion about a series of bad dreams that Sophie (3 years, 4 months) has been having, dreams about ‘ghosts’ and ‘bad guys’, asks “Does she say her prayers? Sophie should pray to God to keep the ghosts away.”

Sophie’s dad in response, in thought but not in deed: Actually, this is possibly the very first time I’m consciously aware that particular word (prayer) was uttered in Sophie’s presence.

This has implications in another thread I started, but in this one it is obvious that, to her grandmother, we are failing in providing our child with a solid “moral” upbringing. :smack:

:wink:

Another way in which we have “failed” is our inability to have Sophie’s life scheduled to the hilt, making sure that she will be in the proper schools doing the proper extra-curricular activities so she can go to the proper Colleges and Universities. Why, she hasn’t even taken one musical instrument or foreign language class! :dubious:

We know people like that and wonder if they’re actually having any fun with their kids, or whether that (having fun) is even a consideration?

Sophies grandmother also was wondering where Sophie would “even get the idea that ghosts exist.” Er, well, you know… from Buffy and Scooby-Doo (seen in theaters) and Nickelodeon and that final scene from Raiders with the melting faces and the Wizard of Oz (“I do believe in spooks”) and a likely long list of other things that really aren’t “age appropriate.” In actuality, that’s probably our biggest failure, a distinct willingness to push the age limits. :o

So, in the misguided opinions of the unwashed portions of the Teeming Millions, how have you “failed” as a parent? Taught your kids evilution? Bought them McDonalds when the tofu place was just next door?

2

The fact that Sophie knows the words to three of the Buffy musical songs, and the melodies to all of them, oughtta give you an idea of our willingness to push the age limits. But it’s so cute to hear our little girl singing “Going Through the Motions!” :love:

3

I share your *Buffy *guilt, although WhyKid was more like 6 when we started watching it. There were SO many people who were simply aghast that I’d let him watch something so violent. They just wouldn’t accept that he was really grooving on the special effects and fight choreography and in no way whatsoever confused the show with reality or had it effect his behavior. (And yes, I’ve read the studies on violence in entertainment and kids. My kid is in the “no behavioral change” minority. REALLY!) Besides that, teaching him about storytelling, irony, metaphor and subtext was so much easier with that show. (“Mom! That’s dramatic irony, right?” is so precious coming from a kindergardener.) We also had quite a few excellent discussions about really important issues like rape, underage drinking, and bullying that arose from watching *Buffy *together and talking about it.

In other news, I am a disorganized and sloppy mother who never taught her kid how to organize his binder or put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. He’s a total slob. Just like me. That one, I do feel some actual guilt over. But I simply don’t know how to teach organization, and there’s so much cooler stuff to do than dishes. Who wants to spend time tidying when there’s baking soda volcanoes and corn starch slime to be made?

4

My father seems to feel that I’ve failed in raising my older two, at least. I think he’s still in denial that the younger two exist, as he still asks me their names and if they’re boys or girls.
Anyway, my oldest son is 18 and ready to graduate. He’s a very good musician. Very, very good–good enough to get a full ride IF he wanted to go to college for a degree in jazz or composition or whatever. WHICH HE DOES NOT.
I’ve had to deal with my own sense of loss over this (Repeat after me: I will not live vicariously through my child. I will not live vicariously through my child…), but my dad will NOT let it go. He wants him to “be a musician.” He could “make a living as a musician.” Etc, etc.
My son, on the other hand, wants to go into law enforcement. I cringe at the riskiness of it, but on the upside, he won’t be sitting backstage snorting cocaine, right? And law enforcement is a perfectly reasonable, perfectly honorable career choice, and the pay isn’t horrid compared to, say, a jazz trombonist who plays clubs around here.
Still, my dad remains convinced that I should somehow force my son to go to “real” college (for a music degree, no less), and that he must have a four year degree in order to make it in the real world. Gah. It drives me crazy.
Mostly, I ignore him. He rarely calls anyway, and when he does, I focus pretty strongly on the “My kid is a really good kid, and he’s doing something good in the world, and he’s happy, what more could I ask?” aspect of it.
My goal for my kids is that they be happy and healthy in the world and in their relationships. If they do some good along the way, so much the better. Everything else is secondary.

5

My in-laws have a laundry list of parental failings the SmithWife & I are guilty of. A bit of background: due to numerous factors (including SmithWife expecting our second child, my July '04 layoff, and my father-in-laws uncertainty he would survive the cancer he was diagnosed with and treated for last summer) we moved in with the in-laws at the end of August '04. We just bought a home, and we’re moving out in two weeks. Moving right along…

A few of the sentiments my in-laws have regarding our poor parenting:

->We allow our 2 1/2 year old daughter to “scream” in the house. My FIL will typically get her all riled up, then get angry and yelly with her when she doesn’t settle right down when he’s done. This general perceived leniency extends to many other aspects of parenting $ Etc.

->My daughter misbehaves at the dinner table. My in-laws don’t eat dinner till 6:30 or 7:00 pm, and SmithWife feeds our daughter at 5:00 pm. Sitting down with the in-laws as a family at 6:30 pm is more of a formality, since my family has already eaten. Compound this with my in-laws interaction with my daughter a tthe dinner table - they are constantly distracting her, etc. They refuse to accept that they need to heave her alone while she eats.

->My daugehter touches fragile things that she shouldn’t touch. The in-laws are always bringing her into their ‘formal’ living room to look around. I think my MIL is actually trying to impress my daughter with their wealth and expensive trappings. But that is neither here nor there. In any event, they get very angry when she wanders in there on her own, afraid she’s going to break their precious shit. I’ve tried explaining to them that they should let me baby-proof the rooms so they’re not accessible, and we should all send the same message that the room is off-limits, but they don’t want unsightly baby-proofing, and otherwise just don’t listen to me.

There’s a hundred other items, but those are my faves. A big contributing factor is that my daughter has super-advanced language skills, and can hold her own in conversations well beyond her years. SmithWife and I recognize this, and make accomodations for this - just because we can interact with her at this level most of the time, she’s still only 2 1/2. But the in-laws can’t seem to grasp h=this concept of disparity between language skills and emotional maturity. Blah.

Enough for now.

Winston

6

I’m a complete failure as a parent, seeing as I don’t have any kids. :smiley:

7

I let my daughter watch Buffy also.

She’s also watched the Clerks cartoon. Her favorite line was from the last episode. “Do you sell black tar heroin?” We made sure to tell her not to say that in her preschool class. We’ve also let her see all three LOTR movies in theaters. She watched the Foamy the squirrel cartoons. She’s watched us play the Silent Hill games and Fatal Frame 2.

She knows that the spooky things on television and in movies are actors or effects. Video games aren’t real. Cartoons aren’t real either. She knows that she shouldn’t swear, though she knew most of the four letter words from her grandparents.

All in all, she’s a pretty together kid despite seeing Janet Jacksons boobie (Thank you tv news :rolleyes: ).

8

I would have to say it is the fact that I don’t feel this crushing and burning need to dump my children at my Inlaws everytime I need a break. My last break came in August when I suffered horribly (just freaking horribly) from vertigo and lost part of my hearing permanently. But how is it Shirley that you were able to go on that Big Fat German Vacation with your hubby and kids just 18 days after being afflicted so? You couldn’t have been that sick. Because we had shitloads of money on the line ( mostly refundable) but Mr Ujest had 3 week vacation saved up and if he didn’t use it he never would because the boy is a work a holic. I thought I would rather be dizzy and sightseeing than be dizzy at home doing nothing. And Mr. Ujest has a cousin that I’ve always had a crush on. Besides, all the moving I did on the trip really, really helped get my equilibrium back to it’s 88% status…)

Between either going to my MIL’s (where all they do is watch tv or get taken to the store to buy something.) or my mom coming up where the kids totally wrap her up like a tight enchilada, I was grateful beyond words as I laid in bed watching my room spin and puking up a gut. But I gave birth to my kids so that I could enjoy them, see them grow and take care of them. I want to warp them to my own twisted world views not the parental units outdated anachronistic world views. That is my job. They are my flesh and blood, not some accessory in my life.

I am raising my children and not shitting on other people because I cannot handle the responsiblities. (this is vented towards my SIL.)

Apparently, I am too independant and that is a bad thing.

Apparently being co-dependant and needy is a good thing.

9

According to some, I have failed by not giving my son a sibling. Neither my wife nor I particularly want a second child, and certainly can’t afford one (and give up this lower middle class, paycheck to paycheck lifestyle we’ve become accustomed to? :rolleyes: ), but we constantly field questions like “So, when’s the second one coming?” or “Don’t you think the boy needs a playmate?”

The more I hear these comments, the more I dislike those that make them.

Other than that, we’ve done pretty well raising a pretty bright, healthy, and well adjusted little boy, so far. No need to tempt fate by having a second child who might turn out to be a demon seed.

10

Not getting this kind of inquiry is one of the benefits of my daughters unusual conception.

It has been alleged that I am failing my daughter because I don’t expose her to Disney, or Elmo.

11

That kind of feeds into mine - my mom has a co-worker who likes to ask her what she thinks she did to me to make me not want to have kids.

12

I think you will have failed as a parent, if you don’t make her watch the Looney Toons episode that it was a tribute to, “Duck Amuck”, avalible on the The Looney Tunes Golden Collection, Vol. 1. Buy it today!

13

I don’t know if his column still appears in the papers or not, but at one time some psychologist (or something) named John Rosemond wrote an article about how the best thing you can do for your kids was to have them be ready to be on their own when they turn 18. I liked that. My own kid is 16 now, but I’m not sure that either he or I are ready for him to be on his own. The Mrs. certainly isn’t.

Anyway, I really enjoyed all the time I’ve spent with him so far. We didn’t make a point to watch Buffy together, but from his very earliest days, we were watching Simpsons, Ren & Stimpy, MTV (back when they showed videos) , and all that.

I think one “fails as a parent” if they don’t enjoy being around the end product. Well, kinda, maybe. Kids can be such a crap shoot. No sense in being judgemental about your kid(s) or anyone else’s.

14

Dude, you think I don’t already own that? You think I haven’t raised her on the classics?

What kind of a father do you take me for?

15

I have to ask, for I do not watch Buffy, does Buffy use the Kansas song “Going Through the Motions”, or is it a different song by some other band that happens to have the same name?

if so, I think that’s cool, though it is hard to imagine a little girl singing the Kansas song.

16

Oh, good, I was right about to call protective child services. I was worried when you didn’t list the classics. However in most house hold that raise children without religion, I mean with expose to good entertainment, sometimes you find that the child will turn to religion when they grow up, whoops, I mean reality tv, because they have never experienced what it is like, so they make the rong decission and start watching Jerrt Springer, I mean, converting to christianity. I mean…

What was I talking about again? Oh this gad would have been so much easier with the ability to strike out words. I tried it in MS word, but it didn’t transfer.

:smiley:

17

Different song, I’m sure. The Buffy songs are originals (or uncredited Kansas tunes. :wink: )

18

Everyone gets it wrong all the time, if you listen to mass opinion. Half the people here probably think I’m a terrible parent for being religious and for intending to homeschool my children (though the two have nothing to do with each other, for those of you thinking I’m an anti-evolutionist fundamentalist). No one has ever told me I’m bad because I don’t let them watch much TV and they haven’t met Disney yet, but I’m sure someone would. Some people would yell at me for letting my kids cry every once in a while, and the rest would say I’m too soft-hearted for picking them up. DangerGirl takes karate, so I’m teaching her fighting, but if she took ballet (which she will, soon), I’d be teaching her feminine stereotypes or something. I stay home, so I’m probably warping them, but if I worked, I’d be warping them too. You can’t win, so why care?

19

Dangermom?! Do you own Dangermouse?

20

I’m thrilled to bits to read this! My kid (Elliot) is 4.75 years old and has been a fan of Buffy, particularly of “Singing Buffy” or “Every Single Night…,” a.k.a. Once More, With Feeling, for probably close to two years now. All he wants to listen to in the car lately is the episode soundtrack. His favorite song is “Walk Through the Fire”.
We’re even planning on having a OM,WF party with some fellow fans sometime next month. (You should stop by! Well, you know, if you’re going to be in Omaha in late March. :wink: )

/hijack