This thread isn’t so much an “I’m pissed off” thread, as an “I’m mad, and very very hurt” thread. So. Please, bear with me.
I’m 15. I go to high school, I’m not failing any classes extensively, and I like to think I’m a pretty much all around average kid (well, besides the fact that I live on an island and have to commute by boat and that I have a very frustrating home life, but whatever.) I have my typical clique, the “recluse-people think we’re Goths but we just like the color black and rock music” group so commonly found in High Schools. And, since we’re labeling here, I had my best friend, my other best friend, and then my best friends on-again-off-again boyfriend. Nessa, Jamie, and Lindsay. And then of course there’s the filler, my other good friends I hang around with but have nothing to do with this post.
I met Vanessa when I transferred to her school in grade 7. We used to share a backyard, so I had seen her once or twice before I walked into the classroom and got assigned a seat beside her. We hit it off, and we’ve been “best friends” ever since.
In grade 9, her and Lindsay got together. Naive little things we were, we thought they would be together forever; they’re so obviously meant for each other. Heh. Nessa dumps him on his birthday. They remain friends. Then, I go away for summer vacation, and right when I’m at my auntie GingeroftheNorth’s house for her wedding, I find out that she and 2 of her friends that I don’t get along with emailed Lindsay, telling him to fuck off and the like. I’d show it to you, but I couldn’t find it. Nessa says she only did it because Ali and Ashley wanted to, and she was sorry. (Of course, she couldn’t tell that to Lindsay, Oh NO, not at all.) So, I patch that up. I become the go-between, giving advice, gluing it back together. Then they get back together in the starting of grade 10. They get along great. They even do “it”, although I don’t really approve. Things start to go fine. Then they start fighting. Nessa wants Lindsay to go to bed earlier, and be on time, and stop “procrastinating”, and wants him to conform to what she wants. He wants her to accept her for the way he is, late bedtimes and all. She won’t stop badgering him, and she starts to be really bitchy towards him, because he won’t do what she says. She wants him to change, so there for, he must change. He breaks it off. This whole time, I’m the go between; every time they have a fight I patch it up.
About a month ago, Lindsay and I talked. He was all in a snit, saying that between Nessa and his mom, he didn’t want to stay in Yellowknife. He couldn’t put up with Nessa’s shit anymore. She wouldn’t stop trying to make him change, and she expected him to do every thing she said. The other day, he had a band practice, and she asked him if he wanted to go downtown with her. He said no, I’m busy, but I will later, and she got in a little snit and called him poopy and stalked off. This is just one example of how selfish she is. I mean, I love her, and I couldn’t have asked for a better friend, but I’m just stating the obvious here. Everyone has his or her faults.
Now, I would just like to say that the night before I had gotten in an overwhelming fight with my mother and her husband, and for reasons I don’t wish to disclose, I needed a place to vent. Like, REALLY BAD. And I was tired of always having to patch things up between them, and I was really getting sick of Vanessa’s behavior towards Lindsay, playing with him like a cat with a string. And since I just happened to be in just such a pissy mood, I figured, Hey, I’ll be mad at Nessa! She’s been getting on my nerves lately, expecting me to do whatever she says! (Big mistake) And so I agree with Lindsay. Yes, he’s right. Vanessa IS being selfish. Terribly selfish.
I become mad at her. It increases.
N: Why’d you hit Adam?
Mm8b: because he tried to kick me in the ass.
N: He was only joking.
Mm8b: So was I
N No you weren’t, you’re always like that, and you’re being moody again.
Mm8b: How is that being moody? I was joking around with him.
N: You do it all the time! You’re always so moody!
Mm8b: I JOKE AROUND all the time! That doesn’t mean I’m moo-
N: See? There you go. You’re being moody again. Stop it or I’ll go talk with Jamie J.
Mm8b: What If I don’t want to? What if I have PMS or something? I can’t just stop like that, even if I was being moody.
N: You’re being moody…
Mm8b: no, I’m-
N: I’m gonna go talk to Jamie J now,
It was stuff like this, which furthered my anger. She got mad at me for being mad at her. I tried to explain why I was mad at her, and an episode like the one above would happen, or she’s just walk away an not give me a chance to explain. Finally, I got so mad that I starting mouthing off about her. I REALLY shouldn’t have done that< I know that. I only said that she was being a pretty worthless friend, and she wasn’t worth my time if I was going to be like that. Nothing more then that, and only to Lindsay, Jamie and Ali. (One of our mutual friends, although I’m kinda pissed at her right now) That lasted about a day, and then she didn’t show up for school the next week, so I had time to calm down, (She has a variety of illnesses; her back medicine is making her hallucinate, she has a headache, she has to clean her house, she missed her bus) And she doesn’t show up the next week, either. Turns out she’s dropped out. She’ll start again next year. So much for an education, huh? But anyways. By this time, I’ve calmed down, and I figure out I’m not mad at her anymore. In fact, I even go so far as to forget that I was mad at her. So I call her a few times, and its always “oh, I have to go” 5 minutes into the phone call. Then, I call her one time, before I knew she’d dropped out, and asked her why she wasn’t at school. She replied “I don’t know why you’re asking, its not like its any of your business”. That hurt. I won’t go so far as to say that of course it is, I’m her bestfreind, but still, you get the idea. So I figure out, hey, she’s mad at me. Oh Yeah! I’m mad at her! And I say bye and Hang up.
2 Days later I’m on msn, and Ali comes on. She tells me I’ve royally fucked up my relationship with her, and that she hates me and that I was only mad at her because I’m a self-centered bitch and I just wanted to draw attention to myself. And that I should mind my own business (Why I was doing!) and that Lindsay wasn’t even my friend, and he only thought I was an “acquaintance” at most. Which isn’t true. Lindsay is one of my closest guy friends. I was taking sides, and Backstabbing Nessa. And then, she goes on to say that I only ever hang around people with problems, and that I was only ever nice to her when her mom got sick (breast cancer) which is also not true. I was friends with her since grade 7; her mom got sick summer of grade 8. So, I’m pretty pissed off by now and I tell her to go fuck herself and block her.
Then I talk to Nessa. I asked her if she hated me.
“Yes, I’m pretty pissed at you”
“Look, I’m sorry, I wasn’t really mad at you, I take what I said back. I shouldn’t have said it.”
“You took sides. A true friend wouldn’t have taken his side.”
“ I didn’t take his side, I just agreed with some things that he said. “
“You took his side. You backstabbed me.
“ If by having an opinion that differs from your own is backstabbing, then yeah, I was, I guess. Didn’t know I was allowed to think for myself.”
“I’m sick of your shit. You always take his side without hearing my side of the story”
“I WASN’T TAKING SIDES. And how was I supposed to hear your side of the story when you wouldn’t talk to me? Look. Whatever. I wasn’t really mad at you. I needed to vent.” Explained to her the circumstances of my anger, and then apologized profusely, even going so far as to admit I was wrong, but was interrupted.
“I don’t want to fight with you, Nessa.”
“I don’t care”.
Well. I understand that she might be a bit angry, but that’s kind of overreacting, don’t you think? Just a tad? This is our first ever-real fight we’ve ever had, and she won’t even listen to me enough to hear my story… and it hurts. I admit I was wrong. If she’s going to let our first fight ever get in the way of our friendship, then we couldn’t have been very good friends, now could we? But still… It hurts. She and I were horribly close and good friends. Some people tell me to just forget about her, she needs to grow up. But I can’t. I can’t stand not being friends with her.
What would you suggest? I know this probably seems like a trivial case of teenager not getting her way, and it might seem immature to some, but its Important to me. Not to sound like I’m overreacting, but its kind of… well, “Tearing me apart”, for lack of a better phrase.
What should I do?
Sorry for the length.
Edited the size tag so creatures other than ants can read it too - CF
