Who wants to help me?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I really suck at beating everybody to clever responses, so that’s why I don’t post very often.
But I love you most (as opposed to “I love you all”) and I would gladly tear off my eyelids for most of you- if you could provide me with a valid reason for needing them.
So can somebody help me?
My story-

I have had a nice best friend for many years, and up until a short while ago, I had a nice boyfriend that I was fond of for about nine months.
Then my nice best friend got mad at my boyfriend’s best friend and slept with my boyfriend to get back at him.
And I was displeased. But my nice best friend apologized to me and I ditched the boyfriend and we were nice best friends again. Then she went and slept with my former boyfriend again for the same reason as before. My former boyfriend took this to mean that my nice best friend was in love with him, when in fact it was because she was not so nice and just using him. He was crushed.
I was displeased because she went and did this after apologizing to me nd implying that it wouldn’t happen again.
She apologized to me a second time. I said it was ok and that we were still nice best friends.
And then she went and did this a couple more times until my former boyfriend was disgusted and wanted nothing to do with her. And then most people who heard this story decided that my nice best friend was unkind.
This was all two months ago. We haven’t spoken since.
Then a week ago I got an e-mail from my nice best friend.
She was apologizing, and she sounded more genuine than she did the other times.
I believe her again. I really believe she is sorry and wants to be nice best friends again. But i can’t shake off how displeased I was and the previous false apologies fail to give her credibility this time.
So, i have known her for a long time. I still wish to be nice best friends.
My question is, how long do I give her until i tell her it’s OK and we can be friends again?
Or rather- is it possible, do you think, to remain friends with such a treacherous person who is clearly not that nice all the time?

2

le me get this straight. you had/have a friend that was your best friend for years. this person betrays you several times, and then expects forgiveness from you?
sounds fishy to me.
after all, this person knew you well enough they shouldn’t have done what they did to you. you forgave them once, and they ignored the trust that came with that forgiveness and screwed you again.
maybe i’m a bit harsh, but i say find another friend, this one isn’t worth it.

3

I am of the opinion that it boils down to how forgiving YOU are. Apparently your boyfriend is now out of the picture as far as you are concerned, so it shouldn’t make a difference if this friend sleeps with him or not. Do you want to forgive your nice best friend? If so, forgive and forget. If not, well … Whether you can be friends or not is up to you. And this friend. Get together and talk it out. Can’t hurt.

4

inoci, I don’t think you’re being harsh at all. Turpentine? Do you have a new boyfriend? I would be suspicious that your “nice best friend” is looking for a new guy to sleep with to get revenge on someone. I wouldn’t trust her any farther than I could throw her. If she was tied to a bulldozer.

5

Actually, yes-
I AM seeing somebody right now, somebody who has never met my friend.
I have not introduced them yet, but we are just dating a bit, nothing serious because I am still a trifle bitter and i don’t want to take it out on the new guy.

Yeah, I pretty much dumped the boyfriend on the spot when I found out, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have feelings for him. My best friend should have known this.

Isn’t that funny?
The boyfriend gets dropped immediately without another glance when I find out he’s been cheating, but with my best friend, i am struggling to find a way to make myself feel better about this.

She is too, but I just can’t bring myself to absolve her again.

I was trying to be as succinct as possible in my OP, but I think I should add, for whatever it’s worth, that my nice best friend has always been a wee bit &^cked in the head and was seeking therepy at the time of the offense.

She has “problems” and so that’s why I may hve been a bit lenient.

6

Great line! The thing that sounds fishy to me is her sleeping with your (ex-)boyfriend to piss off the third party. Sure it may have worked once, but wouldn’t the effectiveness of this technique wear off after a while? I wouldn’t be sure if that was her motivation after a while - or to begin with, even. Of course, having never met this friend of yours, there’s no way for me to tell… Just my $0.02.

7

It’s funny to hear people say this stuff when they don’t know the person I’m talking about.

And the more i say, the more bizarre and childish the story will sound.

Yes, at least initially she WAS sleeping with my boyfriend to spite my boyfriend’s friend. We’ll call him Stew.
I know this because my nice best friend called Stew and told him that she slept with my boyfriend, and then told Stew exactly why she did it. Stew was displeased…displeased enough to be effected by this technique several times.

It’s clear that my best friend was not thinking of me or my boyfriend at all through this.
Just how to make Stew feel terrible.

Man, that’s an awful pseudonym i picked.

8

Whoa, after reading that a couple times I think a feel a headache coming! :confused:

Hard to say, if you are a forgiving enough person, you might be able to pull it off. Personally, I might be inclined to continue a cautious association.

Whatever “problems” she has, or had, would make me again stress that you should be cautious.

Just my opinion.

9

I guess this is the approach I would take, if I were still interested in being her friend. I’d tell her:

*I wasn’t planning on continuing to bring this situation up at all times to punish her, to hold it over her head, etc. BUT IT’S THERE. She did sleep with my boyfriend. Multiple Times. Whatever her reason. And in addition, she let me be witness to a very dysfunctional way of solving a problem. So not only did she hurt and betray me personally, she eroded my respect for her in general.

*Because of this, it may be a while before I fully trust her. I may be more cautious, less giving, less open.

*Again, this is not to keep “punishing” her. It’s a fact of life. Trust must be earned. If SHE wants to be my friend, she will have the patience to wait for this to happen. She will accept that things may not be the same for awhile.

  • Furthermore, any lingering caution on my part doesn’t mean I am coldhearted or unforgiving. I do accept the apology. I appreciate her apology and the gesture. But she must realize it is a first step. It does not erase everything. “BUT I APOLOGIZED” is not an excuse in the future, and is not a valid demand for me to get over it.

*Friendship takes work, time, and effort. I am willing to take a chance, and to work on past what happened. She must be willing to do the same.

*Consider some counseling. She is acting like a serious headcase.

*If she ever sleeps with my boyfriend again, she’d better plan on needing reconstructive surgery.

10

“*Consider some counseling. She is acting like a serious headcase”

Do you mean counseling for me or for her-

Good thing I read that twice before answering, because at first glance it looked like you wrote

“consider some counseling. she is acting like a serious headache.”

But thank you, very much.

I left out some information, but it gets better-

I HAVE to come to some sort of terms with this, because there’s no way I can stop seeing her…

I live with her twin sister, my other best friend. All she can say to me about this is “I’m sorry my sister sucks…”, as if she feels responsible for her sister’s actions.
I assured that it doesn’t extend to her, even though they look exactly alike.
This is great, isn’t it?

11

Im guessing the guys must be around 18…

Also, more people who stab you in the back repeatedly are going to do it again.

12

Personally, I could never become ‘real’ friends with that girl again. If my best friend had ever slept with my boyfriend, it would hurt me on so many levels, I know I could never forgive her. Even if I wasn’t in love with the guy, it would kill me that she totally disregarded my feelings, knowing full well how much it would hurt me. I wouldn’t be as understanding as you are, I don’t care if people have ‘problems’ I have problems too, but I don’t go around stabbing my friends in the back.
On the other hand, I’m sure I could tolerate being around her, especially if I lived with her sister.I would never trust her again, but I could be civil.
Think about the options…never be ‘best friends’ with her again, and she won’t have the opportunity to screw you, or become ‘best friends’ again, and always be wary…
Sorry to come off as a mean bitch, but that’s just how I see it.
Rose

13

The girl who slept with your boyfriend is…AN EVIL TWIN???

:rolleyes:

14

Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight:
Your best friend slept with your (then) boyfriend (whom she really didn’t care about) to piss off his best friend? Several times?
How does that work?
…unless your best friend was dating your ex’s best friend…then I could see it. Maybe. Sorta.
…although if my best friend slept with my girlfriend to piss off her best friend, then I’d see it as he’s screwing everybody (figuratively).

“Best friends are tough to make, tougher to lose.” Still, ditch her…she obviously only cares about herself. Anyone who wants to “get back at” people using that philosophy…I dunno.
And, personally, I wouldn’t want a best friend that I couldn’t trust under any circumstance.
Sorry. My heart really does go out.

15

Sorry for the confusion–I meant HER. I was writing that as if I were having a conversation with HER, except I switched cases. Too little caffeine today, sorry about that. But yes,I mean SHE needs some serious couch time.

I too have a friend who is a manipulative pain in the neck, a real bundle of neuroses. And cutting off the friendship altogether is not feasible. I actually got some help dealing with the stress, and keep her at a distance now. But she’s still around, and I actively work at not letting her make me nuts.

16

Some good responses here so far; it definitely would be a tough call to make.

I think if you can find it in your heart to forgive her, you definitely should. However, I also think you should tell her that her actions have consequences. Obviously your trust in her has been shattered. While you may be able to speak to her now without resentment or hatred, it’s unlikely you’ll ever be able to feel like she’s your best friend again until she can prove by her actions that she is capable of changing. If she doesn’t give any indication of that, you may need to let go and go your separate ways.

You may need to give her some ultimatums–that, as previously suggested, she must get counseling if she does indeed have psychological issues, and that she stays away from your boyfriends until she can respect some reasonable boundaries. She has to be brought to the realization that she hurt you deeply, and that is something that real friends don’t do to each other.

The decision is ultimately yours, and I think you’ve been exceedingly understanding up to this point. I doubt anyone would condemn you for not taking her back if that’s what you chose to do. In fact, losing a friend may be what needs to happen for her to truly realize how wrong she was.

17

You know, if my best friend slept with my BF in order to “piss off” my BF’s best friend, I would have to take a second look at our friendship.

Obviously, it is not reasonable to sleep with ANYONE in order to punish someone else. Your friend needs counseling, and you realize that. In fact, you seem to feel forgiving toward her because she is not emotionally or mentally well. (Not making a judgement, I just couldn’t really tell what her exact problem is.)

Having said that, what kind of “friend” chooses to punish a third person by totally disregarding the feelings and situation of her “best friend?” If she felt the need to punish her BF by sleeping with one of her BF’s best friends, why didn’t she choose to sleep with one of his best friends who was not involved with HER best friend?

(That last paragraph has confused me to the point that I am not sure even I know what I mean. However, I will press on, and hope you understand what I am saying.)

The fact that you forgave her, and she apparently promised not to do it again, and then did do it again indicates to me that she is acting out some resentment or anger toward YOU.

Perhaps she is jealous of you, or of your friendship with her sister, maybe she is resentful of you for other reasons.

I believe that forgiveness is always the way to go. Not for the person you are forgiving, but for YOU. Hanging onto anger hurts the person who holds it more than the person it is held against. IMHO.

I would say, forgive her, tell her so, and tell her that since she has shattered the trust in your relationship, she will have to build trust again. It is one thing to forgive and another to forget. Forgiveness cleanses, but it doesn’t mean that you should forget and leave yourself open to being stabbed in the back again. It is healthy to fail to trust a person who has demonstrated that they cannot BE trusted, time and time again.

I would also NOT introduce your current BF to her without explaining to him what happened in the past. If you tell him what happened, and explain that you suspect that this may be a pattern of retaliation for resentments toward you that SHE has that you have not been able to understand, or deal with since you are not sure what they ARE, your new BF will be able to factor this into any passes she makes.

If this should happen, and he should respond to her as your former BF did, then you will know what you need to know about him as well as her. If you don’t warn him ahead of time, and he views her as your friend, he may well be unable to know how to deal with a situation where one of your best friends makes a pass at him and he doesn’t want to offend her because of her “friendship” with you. You may lose him in whatever capacity you want him in your life because he won’t want to tell her to buzz off for fear of offending YOU. Lots of men would just bail from a sticky situation like that. Can’t really blame them, IMHO.

I know that I am going on and on about this, and I apologize. This strikes a nerve with me, because one time my best friend’s husband made a pass at me. I was horrified, and crushed. My initial reaction was “What did I EVER do to make you think I would be receptive to this?” He said that, no, I had not given him any indication that I was interested in having a relationship with him. He said he was really attracted to me, and thought he would “give it a shot.” It made me sick at heart, and I didn’t know what to do-should I tell my friend, or not? I did not tell my friend, instead I distanced myself from spending time with them as a couple. My friend felt hurt, I was a basket case and it was a total horrible experience.

Of course, eventually the husband found a less ethical person to have an affair with, and the marriage ended. What a slimeball.

So, to get back to the OP.

Forgive her, but don’t trust her as far as you can throw her, (as the previous poster said) if she was tied to a bulldozer. (Don’t remember who you were, but good statement!) Good people are good people, screwed up or not. Bad people are bad people, screwed up or not.

Move toward the light by forgiving, but retain your feet on the ground by accepting that not everyone is seeking the light.

Scotti

18

Get rid of her, she fucked up too many times. Also, don’t introduce her to your boyfriend if you do stay friends with her. You know what she’ll do; she’s done it enough times that it should be expected of her by now. It’s kind of like the Pavlo’s dog experiment: if you do things enough times, people will come to expect it of you.

19

Turpentine, my heart goes out to you. I’m sorry to hear your story. Rest assured this type of thing happens to others as well. Your so called ‘best’ friend is not that at all. Perhaps she finally realized this, and is now trying to reach out to you. Keep her at arms length and do not give her the benefit of your unconditional friendship. You clearly gave her that before and she abused it badly. Under no circumstances should you introduce your new budding beau to her. Find some new friends if you can, try to renew some friendships with other old friends and move on. Its never easy, but good luck. With love, Dave.

20

My personal take: Forgiveness is infinite, but that doesn’t justify being treated like shit. I’d forgive her, (if she really wanted it) but I probably wouldn’t want to hang out with her very much anymore.