Significant Other and Best Friend ......... now what?

Great Debates
1

You got a significant other, see? You’ve also got this great best friend of many years. One day you discover the significant other, whom you love, has been laying pipe with best friend.

What do you do?

When it happened to me, years ago, I somewhat rearranged the skeletal structure of my best friend, who had instantly become First Enemy, ignoring excuses. Significant other was promptly tossed out on her well rounded ass, shortly followed by everything she had kept at my place, having, in my view, abruptly become ‘hoe #1.’

There were no excuses good enough for me to consider taking either of them back.

I heard this discussion on a program, and guys in general seemed to think it was fine if they cheated, but not so fine if their girls did. Girls disagreed, but felt that there was no real harm in cheating with the best friend if there was a reason.

Some said best friend should tell guy that SO was actually a slut for sleeping with him, even if SO started it. Some said best friend was a cad for going to bed with the girl no matter what she did. Some girls said at least it was the best friend instead of a stranger from a bar. Some guys said when sex calls, it’s basically a Man’s Duty to respond, and then let the boyfriend know that girl is a cheater, because as a best friend, it was an obligation to point this out to the one cheated on.

Some of both sexes said shut up and keep screwing.

Some would forgive and forget. Some would not.

My opinion is that a best friend screwing one’s SO is worse than it being some guy from a bar, for the best friend should be loyal enough not to do that under any circumstances. (Which was why his beating was a bit more thorough than one administered to a stranger in a bar fight.) I’ve turned down passes from friends SO’s before, admittedly at times with difficulty, but loyalty is loyalty.

So, opinions?

2

Jet, Well, given that your talking about a monogamous relationship with the significant other in the first place, then there is absolutely nothing ok about what you describe.

She should not have had sex with your best friend, your best friend should not have had sex with your significant other.

Now if you were in a non-monogamous relationship that you had both clearly and honestly communicated that you were open to the other seeing other people, your best friend is as fair game as anyone.

-Doug

3

Ah, its cheating. What are you gonna do? I’ve lost a girlfriend like this, and have seen it happen to others.

But, monogamy is a two-way street. Its easy to point the finger and say, “You were wrong!” But when she’s, uh, steppin’ out (sheesh) there may be problems with the relationship in the first place. I can at least testify to that…my fault, she cheated, game over. I don’t hold it against her anymore, either. She’s with that same guy and they’ve been happily together for, oh, 3 years?

But man, if he was a friend that would make it tough. Still, though, cheating is a sign of a bad relationship. Its a kick in the balls, but try and think positive.

I dunno what else to say. Maybe I’m just a damn optomist.

4

Details, details. Who cares?

You need a new SO and a new best friend.

5

Be careful who you select as a best friend. If they don’t respect you well enough to turn down some free snatch pushed at them, which belongs to you, then you have a viper in your home. Get rid of them or never trust them.

You should have pounded best friend a lot more. Best friends usually have a unique slot on one’s life, often forging a bond similar to, if not, love. Best friend jump into fights to rescue you. Best friends hock stereos to get you bail if needed. Best friends listen to you rave drunkenly about ex-girlfriends. You do the same for them. A best friend can trust you with his well being and, virtually, his life. You’ll give blood to a best friend, possibly even a kidney if he needs it, even pay off his drug debts if he has them and they’re over due. Best friends should know and share your limits and morals.

Often, you know a best friend longer than a lover, so if he winds up in bed with her, the betrayal is much deeper in a form, and of a type most serious. A lover turning to a best friend of yours is doing so to hurt you.

Maybe you should have pounded her a little also. The rule today is never to hit a chick, but they seem to be able to crap all over a guy with impunity and know he can’t do anything about it. They can even punch a guy and if he responds automatically, he goes to jail!

You’re well rid of both.

It’s sad, but no matter how well you know a best friend, you often never know what is in their secret heart.

6

**

It is worse because you have two people you love betraying you the exact same way.

**

Why would you ever adminster one to a total stranger? I wouldn’t be angry with a total stranger because he didn’t betray me.

I believe that it is possible to forgive someone if they’ve hurt you. But I don’t believe in blindly forgiving those who have wronged you. I also believe that it is possible to hurt a relationship so badly that repair is impossible.

But in your case even if I made up with wife and we worked through it the best friend would never be welcome again.

Marc

7

You need to do two things.

First, you need to stop getting relationship advice from the Jerry Springer show.

Second, you need to start associating with a better class of people.

Kudos to you, though, for beating up the best friend and not the SO.

8

Your best bet is to forgive both of them and wish them well. I’m not saying you should hang out with them, but I don’t think you get to choose who you fall in love with (or who you have an undeniable attraction for). Proof that God has a sick sense of humor.

Holding a grudge will only hurt you and make your life painful for longer than it needs to be.

9

I would definitely end my relationship with both of them. I also think it’s worse when a S.O. cheats with a close friend. I would feel a lot guiltier cheating on my wife with one of her friends than with a stranger…not that I would do either.

10

Ask if they’d mind a third :smiley: Seriously though, monogamy is overrated…is it really all that big of a deal? As has been said, an SO looking for someone else is an indication that you’re not fulfilling every need. You can either look at this as a fault of You (personally), or you can look at it as a fault of Everyone (can any one person -actually- fulfill all emotional and sexual needs of another forever?)

I fall in on the side of the latter. If you truly care for someone, what’s the point of being selfishly jealous?

11

Yeah, I always liked the idea of ownership in a relationship.

12

It is so good to know that people now-a-days still beleive in managomy. After watching a few daytime talk shows I thought I was the only one not having an extra-marital.

13

Well, as I said in my OP, that was some time ago. I was just surprised at the responses given on a radio show with a similar topic.

The best friend, ex-best friend that is, is still not allowed anywhere near me because I’ll wreck his face, even though its been over 6 years. The girl tried a couple of times to get back with me, but that option was sealed the minute she let my ex-best friend between her legs. She has or had a problem understanding this. I’ve had a few girlfriends in-between times to make me feel better.

Still I was surprised at how many people thought the act was forgivable or acceptable. I believe in loyalty and monogamy for love relationships. If a man cannot control his cock, then his loyalty is worth nothing. Two years ago, a girl I was with and exclusively dating decided to stray when we had a falling out and while I fully understood what happened with her and why she did it, that effectively ended the relationship. I found no need to go after the guy because the poor SOB had no idea she was ‘taken’ and doesn’t know me. She had a bit of a problem understanding why I would not take her back either, saying that weren’t married, she was angry, upset, drunk and so on and just wanted a f**k. I pointed out to her that if she is with me, my thing doesn’t go up some other girl and no other guy had better put his in her.

I’m not sure if she still gets the idea, but her little f**k cost her me.

I’m thinking of locating a Japanese or Asian girl. From what I’ve heard, they like being loyal and seem to cheat less than American born chicks.

14

Um, I was ‘the other man’ with a girl who was half Thai once, don’t count on Asian girls being faithful. 8^)

15

See. She was half Thai. Full Thai might have made a difference. Besides, I’ve heard a lot of good about Japanese women and I think they’re pretty.

16

What you’ve heard about Asian women isn’t true. My best friend went out and boffed my longtime love/childhood friend a few years ago. She was born in Japan and came to America as a pre-teen. Being raised in Japan and being traditionally Japanese in every sense of the word didn’t do a thing for her loyalty. Besides, even if she had been raised in a culture where screwing over your best friend is a socially acceptable practice, I still wouldn’t have forgiven her.

If you were serious about finding yourself a Japanese woman because you’ve heard good things about them, may I suggest you rethink that? I think your goal should be to find someone who will treat you well, instead of to find someone who’s likely to treat you well because they’re _______ .

17

You misunderstood my position. You should forgive them both. Because it will be better for you. It’s been six years and your still fuming over it. You’re still mad, and I think you’re still hurt. Forgive them and you’ll be able to let go of it. Otherwise, you’ll be mad and hurt for a long-ass time.

Again, I’m not saying either of them should be in your life. But you will be better off.
Just an opinion, feel free to ignore it.

18

Forgive them?
Not too likely. I can forgive many things, and have, but when one screws me over in such a serious way, a line is drawn in the sand that I don’t cross.

I might understand it, but understanding doesn’t actually excuse the act nor the intent behind the act. I cannot be seduced unless I choose to, and I expect any close male friends of mine and any female lovers to be the same.

I used to watch these old English movies where someone would be seducing someone elses wife and the two men would be perfect gentlemen about it all over a glass of port or cuppa tea. I’m afraid that my mettle is not that ‘understanding’.

Maybe in a few more years.

19

I actually enjoy holding grudges, in a way. Sometimes it feels good to be angry, and it’s somewhat exhilerating to know that there are people from my past that I would assault immediately if I ran into them, though the odds I will run into them now are kinda slim.

20

My fiancee and friend pulled this while I was in basic training, as if I wasn’t already having enough stress.

Luckily for him, and probably me I guess, the enforced seperation for 3 months allowed cooler heads to prevail. We parted ways relaticely amicably, but the fact is we parted ways. While there is always the deep down knowledge that your SO might someday cheat on you, even if you don’t believe it. But you never expect to find the knife in your back has your best friend’s prints on it, and in the end, that hurts worse, because I have years worth of funny stories and happy memories that bring up crappy feelings when I recall them.