Best wishes sent to you one day, one hour and one minute at a time.
Well, I spent a very frustrating and very long morning trying to find out what, exactly, is supposed to be my next step* and then spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon with my neurotic mother picking up my car, which needed nearly 2k in repairs because I’ve completely neglected it since Johnny first got sick, which she paid for, which is great except she has a history of using money as a leash AND is herself on a fixed income.
Did not stop at the liquor store on the way home. Even with all that. But BOY did I want to. Literally the only thing that stopped me is that his parents are coming over tomorrow to pick’n’choose among more stuff and I couldn’t even imagine the shitstorm that would rain down on my head if they found it. Not the best of reasons, but it worked, I guess.
- apparently, filing in county probate court for a small estate affidavit. This took five or six calls and a trip over to the bank headquarters, just to find that out. I hate legal shit like this. Just reading the guidelines is nearly beyond me. I’m not even completely clear on what the word “probate” means in the first place…
What’s even more frustrating is how bloody motherfucking difficult it was just to get that information. I mean, people die every day. This is not some novel occurrence.
There really needs to be a state-by-state "So, a family member died … " guide posted where those of us who are overwhelmed with unfamiliar tasks can go. 
You could hire a lawyer experienced in probate and estate for an hour of legal advice. This isn’t hiring him for a big court case or anything, it’s paying an expert to listen to you lay out what happened and give you advice on what you should do and how to get the necessary documents. Yes, it will probably cost you some money. The last time we did this, when my mother in law died, it cost us about $150 and not only did we get some excellent advice and guidance over the phone, but he was able to take care of some business for us in MIL’s home state and save my husband, who was ill at the time, from traveling.
You’re overwhelmed. Let me ask you, would you fix a plumbing problem, or call a plumber? Would you fix your own car, or call a mechanic? You have legal issues and concerns due to your husband’s passing, so call an expert in the legalities and pay for an hour of advice and and help (or a half an hour, or two hours - whatever is needed). The lawyer can just give advice if that’s all that’s needed, or if you do require him to do something else then time frames and prices can be negotiated in advance.
Just an idea, m’kay?
ETA: You might consider a half an hour or hour with an accountant at some point to make sure you’ve got your tax documents properly sorted out as well. Yes, you can do that on your own but it’s more wading through dense rules so if you’re seriously stressed it might be worth talking to an expert to make sure your i’s are dotted and your t’s are crossed.
Good. You want to keep the amount of effort necessary to get a drink as high as possible. Keep it out of the house at all costs, and keep yourself away from situations where liquor is around.
I already mentioned calling a lawyer, and I believe I used the exact phrase “just an hour of time” and my mom pointed out that Johnny had so little money left and so much debt that even that would pretty much wipe out anything I might receive.
Also, I’m sitting here feeling a mite sheepish about one thing. My parents suggested to me that I call my credit card company (well, Big Bank) and ask what “could possibly be done” about the rather massive credit card debt I’ve been carrying for years. Even gave me advice on what to say to the customer service reps. I felt :dubious: but figured, a bank might prefer to strike some deal rather than lose the whole lot to customer bankruptcy.
Well, as you might expect, the call went exactly nowhere; or, at least, they didn’t come out and offer to lower my interest rates or forgive part of the principal or anything like that. Imagine! And dumbass me sits for a while and does not drink but does indulge in some serious chocolate therapy, and then calls back to report, asking if I said something wrong or what, and my mom responds with, “Well, I TOLD his mother it wouldn’t be so easy.”
:smack:
:smack::smack::smack::smack::smack:
I told my mother as gently as I could that while his mother is a lovely lady and very nice and well-meaning, she just doesn’t exist on the same plane of reality as the rest of us. We had a good laugh together when I pointed out the chaos it would cause if everyone who owed any money could just, y’know, call up, ring ring, a quick jingle and then ask sweetly if they could simply. owe. less. money.
And I was sitting here feeling like an idiot for thinking I’d failed somehow and now I’m feeling like a bigger idiot for thinking for one second that this was a viable plan, and for falling for that sweet-crazy woman’s worldview.
Sorry, didn’t see this while I was typing, and when my post popped up my eyes kind of half-scanned and I thought, “Is some poster really telling me to get as high as possible?” and needed to give it a thorough re-read. 
And yes, my innate laziness is going to serve me well. If I have to get up and then, sigh, drive and through TRAFFIC as well, then, ah … What’s on TV right now?
I have a poverty level income and I’m waging an actual lawsuit with the aid of a lawyer. You can negotiate.
Here’s the next idea: google for estate lawyers in your area. Look more for single lawyers over big law firms (although sometimes you can get results with either). Call up and explain your husband just passed away after a long illness, you’re feeling overwhelmed with the legalities, and you don’t have much money. Some lawyers will work pro bono. Some will bill you on a sliding scale. It can’t hurt to ask because maybe you’ll get some help.
Also, point out to your mom that NOT using a lawyer might cost you MORE than using one will. Ask her if she’ll help you out by spending/loaning some money to help you straighten out the legal and financial issues. If you’re stressing out over this and it’s increasing the urge to drink point out that relieving some of the stress might help with that, too.
The other thing, if you’re heavily in debt and struggling, is to consider bankruptcy. I know that’s a big, scary word and no one wants to do it. But if you’re in over your head that might be the best way out of it. Sure, it sucks, but you lance the financial boil, drain the puss, and then your finances can heal. Medical bills are the leading cause of bankruptcy in this country so you’d hardly be alone in that.
Again, I don’t know your exact situation, I’m just throwing out ideas to consider here. Just because I think your mom’s position is penny wise and pound foolish doesn’t mean either one of us is right, or wrong.
I don’t know your exact situation and the decision is up to you. It may be I’m reacting to some sort of overwhelmed feeling you’re conveying and things are that bad, they just seem that way at the moment.
True enough, BUT - probate will act to get his name off things and that will save you time and hassle and frustration, even if it doesn’t save you money.
When our friend was killed in action May of 2011, he left his father as his executor, keeping in mind his wife only speaks some and reads less English and perhaps forgetting his father is a cheap jerk. In helping his widow navigate the last two years I’ve come to despise the dad as though I was walking around in his daughter-in-law’s shoes.
Rather than ‘waste the money’ on probate (her money, btw), the dad decided to do every.single.thing. via notarized affidavits. Car title, car insurance, credit and debit cards, homeowner’s insurance, mortgage, motorcycle title and probably some things I’ve blocked out. Every task required him to email and call her several times to make sure she understood what she wanted to do and what he wanted to do instead. When she and I finally sat down to go over their main bank account, we found he’d gone in w/ her husband’s password and set it so that any time she withdrew above $200 he’d get an email and a letter in the mail. Since she prefers cash over debit card use he must have been getting a dozen letters from their bank a month.
This was his way of staying relevant, staying connected to his late son and is wholly understandable and w/ which I sympathize. But the cost was high. She now loathes everything about her father-in-law, only communicates w/ him when forced to and mourns the loss of the friend to her he used to be, before he took over controlling everything in her life he could.
An hour or two w/ a probate attorney would have saved their friendship and there wouldn’t be the hard feelings there are now.
While I wouldn’t expect them to just forgive the money…it isn’t unheard of to arrange different terms, or a month relief without penalty, or something like that. All it costed was a little of your time to check. It doesn’t hurt to ask.
One day at a time, my friend. One crisis at a time, and one annoyance at a time.
Credit card companies DO negotiate terms. Not in one quick n’ easy phone call, though; you may need professional assistance of a lawyer or notforprofit credit counselor (the only person I know who negotiated her own terms, is herself a licensed attorney). They are motivated to do so if they have reason to beleive you are in danger of defaulting completely and enter bankruptcy, leaving them with little-to-no hope of recouping any money.
Google Legal Aid for your state. They’ll help you settle the estate free, if you qualify.
I don’t have any advice for you but wanted to extend my sympathy and support. I agree that holding yourself accountable is a good way to help stay on track.
Please keep posting and keep us updated on how you’re doing.
xoxo
There really needs to be a state-by-state "So, a family member died … " guide posted where those of us who are overwhelmed with unfamiliar tasks can go.
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Janet Boyanton published a book called “Alone and Alive-a practical guide for dealing with the death of your husband”
She is an attorney (office in DeSoto, TX) and also has a Masters in Divinity. She writes from first hand experience-her husband died of a heart attack at age 52.
Lots of practical information on every aspect of life and legal matters after the death of a spouse.