An unnamed friend on here recently inquired into my alcoholic situation and asked me to update the thread where I described my ongoing battles with my liver. I couldn’t be arsed to (nor am I good at SDMB searches) to find it but here goes for those about to rock (and we salute you). I am defeating my liver. I am winning!
I am an inveterate alcoholic. I like cocaine but can’t do it due to probation and I only like the way it smells anyway. I am a drug abuser of the highest order (isn’t there a priestdom of this sort awaiting me in heaven?).
I have continued to drink, now I am up to about a fifth of vodka per day. I am drinking now. I cannot admit this to people I know as I am supposed to be “on the mend”. My mother would be heartbroken. I work a cut rate job for no money, have disabled myself due to a life mostly spent around drinking (cirrhosis with ascites, umbilical hernia, neuropathy in my legs due to nerve damage caused by alcohol, etc) am on food stamps and Medicaid, and am generally broken. But hey, I’ve got my sense of humor!
So fire away, fellow dopers. I am drunk now, and will be tomorrow, until tomorrow never comes. I have two bright sons, aged 15 and 12 that I will leave in my fucking wake. I have to be honest with someone, so now I’m honest with you all, my fellow online community. So flay me, shred me, cast me to the hounds, whatever, I deserve it. I am the incarnation of death.
I am mostly sad for you, and your family. Do as little damage as you can, if possible. You have worth, even if you can’t see it for yourself right now.
You know what bothers me? Not having fun without drinking of the things I enjoy. Like raping a guitar at maximum volume (which has gotten me into plenty of trouble), tossing a hard thrown football with my sons or binge watching something on Netflix. None of it is fun or appealing to me unless I have been drinking.
I am crumbling apart yet I see no end in sight other than my death. I am literally drinking myself to death.
Maybe find an activity to fill the void and boredom that sobriety brings. Volunteer anywhere; council substance abusers; even go back to school. Find an alternative to drinking.
Why are you telling us this? If you’ve made up your mind to kill yourself with booze, why are you bothering to share this decision with us? What do you expect us to tell you?
I don’t want you to drink yourself to death. Neither do your kids, I suspect. You have worth, as Sunny wrote above. We do not want to see you hurt. I like you and have enjoyed corresponding with you in the past.
Nothing we write though, will matter if you choose to continue doing this.
AA meetings are a joke around here. A bunch of toothless drunks recounting their episodes in the gutter. I am about to put the barrel of my AR-15 into my mouth at the thought of it. In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t invited everyone into my hell.
I have found your opinions to be very enlightening, especially with regards to our mutual love of very fine wines. I will never forget you as I prepare to join Unity.
You don’t know if your kids are fine…i grew up in an alcoholic househol…i am nearly 60…and still dealing with it…dont assume they are fine…get them in therapy now!!
Don’t end it that way…please.please.look for some help…you mentioned your mother…call her…she will help I bet…there has to be a better way…i am on your side…as well as this whole community…please ask for help!!
