Fellow Alcoholics, Some Help Please

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

All-

As I indicated in an earlier thread this year, I have alcoholic cirrhosis. Several doctor/hospital visits confirm this diagnosis, but I am somewhat on the mend due to changes in diet, medications and of course, no booze. Mostly.

My most recent paracentises appointment (a procedure where accumulated abdominal fluid is drained with a catheter) was canceled after an ultrasound revealed no fluid to drain, which is nice…it’s rather painful and disgusting, and I had just over 7 litres of fluid drained out two and a half months ago. I’ve also lost a bunch of weight. When I checked into the hospital in early March, I weighed 234 (of which about 16 lbs was abdominal fluid). Now I am about 170. My enlarged esophageal varices that were banded have not returned nor have any new ones appeared.

Here’s my problem: I have been relapsing. Not a lot, but enough. It’s amazing that even the medical threat of imminent and avoidable death speak to my weakness and the power of alcohol.

One of my main triggers that I need help understanding is this: I don’t seem to enjoy stuff when I don’t drink. For instance, I “love” playing the guitar…after a few drinks. Now, I have to force myself to practice. It’s like I can’t seem to have “fun” anymore. When I don’t drink (which please understand, is most of the time), I feel depressed, I want to lay in bed all day, read books and just do…nothing.

Is this normal? Does it go away with time? Should I exercise more (currently just some walks and light football tossing, but I am also suffering from burning nerve pain in my thighs, which I think may be alcoholic neuropathy, but I am awaiting an appointment with a neurologist to verify). My MD prescribed me oxycodone for the leg pain but I’ve thrown them away…too addiction risky and I couldn’t stand the side effects (frequent nausea/vomiting, being VERY itchy).

Please open up and give me some advice, I could use it. On top of all this I am in the process of losing my house, I’m on Medicaid and foodstamps, have no job, have applied for SS disability and generally just feel like an all around loser. I’ve got to get back to work, get my life back, or I will be living in a van down by the river.

Thanks in advance.

2

Sounds like you are depressed, and are using alcohol to cope with depression. You should see a doctor and get an antidepressant to help you cope without alcohol.

I have a friend who struggled with sobriety for years. She finally sobered up with AA, but she went to meetings three times a week, and still had to stay away from bars, and parties where alcohol was served. In other words, it was always in the back of her head that she’d like to drink. The only thing that really stopped her was every other day reliving going through withdrawal, not to mention how much alcohol screwed up her life, at AA meetings.

After 7 years, she got on an antidepressant. It took about a year to find the exact right cocktail, but now she has been stable on three meds for 14 years, and LOST THE DESIRE to drink, and even quit going to AA meetings. And most of all, is the happiest she’s been since childhood.

3

Agreed, you need the advice of a competent psychiatrist who treats addiction. There is also behavioral stuff to address, but you won’t get through that without first addressing the chemical imbalance/depression.

It’s very common for alcoholics to have no idea how to have fun or even relax without alcohol. It’s one of those things an AA sponsor will start teaching you. How to hang out, make small talk, be sociable, and how to enjoy life.

I get that the wreckage is sweeping down upon you, and the only escape is also the surest way to bring it down hard and fast. You have to decide in advance what you are going to do instead of drinking when the fear/pain/numbness overwhelms you. Will you exercise? call someone? hit a meeting? journal? meditate? Try everything, and see what (or what combination) works best for you. If you don’t decide in advance what to do instead, then when the stressor hits, you will do what you know. And then the stressor grows.

So yes, a gentle walk each morning will help. Regular sleep and wake times will help. (Get up even if you haven’t slept, and go to bed the same time the following night.) Daily stretches and meditation will help. Above all, the fellowship of people who have been through this will help. That’s why I generally advise people to go to a few local meetings and get to know some folks, even if AA proper doesn’t work for you. YMMV, just find what works and do it every day.

And yes, with time the pleasure centers in your brain will readjust. The nerves in your muscles and skin will calm, and the piss-colored lenses will fall away from your eyes. But you have to do the work of growing up that you skipped while you were busy medicating your feelings away. You have to learn to relax, learn to be silly, learn to cry, and learn to love without booze. It can be very difficult to give yourself permission to do these things without a lubricant.

A dry drunk is generally restless, irritable, and discontent. Serenity comes when you clean up the wreckage, but you can’t clean up until you make a commitment and stay sober.

Hang in there!

4

Heh, I had to read this a couple of times…

5

Thanks guys. A good friend of mine, a recovered alcoholic (who smokes marijuana only now, but he’s done that for the decades I’ve known him) keeps pushing me to get some help to peel back layers to get to the source of “why I drink”. He says that until that happens sobriety will be sketchy at best. He’s also something of a proponent of healthy living and spiritual truth seeking, having become a vegetarian (“an animal doesn’t have to die for me to eat” is what he says) and religiously adopting aikido and it’s core tenets. He’s a good dude and is probably my only true friend right now but even he is getting sick of me relapsing, often refusing to speak to me if he intuits that I’ve been drinking.

And yes, sleeping is a MAJOR issue. It’s so hard to sleep without alcohol, even if the sleep I was getting while I routinely drank wasn’t even “real sleep”.

Ultimately more than anything is I feel like an abject failure at life. My Dad is a retired Army general, West Point grad, my brother and his wife are accomplished chefs and I’m just a nobody with no real accomplishments to speak of. Got kicked out of the Army for smoking hash, dropped out of college, have a failed marriage, now a failed mortgage and career, just got a DUI in January, found out I have a life threatening condition.

A few weeks ago I had a major meltdown, took too many pain pills, drank some vodka and threatened to kill myself in front of my children, prompting my ex-wife, normally the psychotic parent (and drinker) to come get them and call the police to do a wellness check on me. I was always the more stable one, and mostly, I still am. But I scared my sons, and they have already been through too much with me and the ex fighting like we used to. So I have tossed the pills and remained sober but I am still suffering.

This sucks.

6

I quit drinking 28 years ago and they have been the best years of my life. I thought I would never have fun again. That’s just not true. I would really recommend some meetings.

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I have only a couple of suggestions that may or may not work for you. The first is to find some way to engage in aerobic exercise. Jogging for me is the best thing in the whole world. If you can’t run, maybe swimming or something that gets those endorphins released.
Secondly, try having a project associated with your guitar playing. For me, that has also been a big help to get me to “practice” and forget about getting a buzz on. What I have done is to actually learn all the words to my favorite songs–e.g., I have created a medley of easy Stones songs–that I could immediately play and sing ALL the lyrics to should someone thrust a guitar at me. I do Ruby Tuesday, Lady Jane, Wild Horses, Heart of Stone, and Let It Bleed. Right now i am learning the lyrics to Hey Mr Tambourine Man, to put together eventually with Don’t think Twice, two easy ones from B on B, and the most beautiful rendition of a folk song I’ve ever heard–Pretty Saro; and am working on singing it just like Dylan. I find I get better as long as I do these things without substance help. You are stronger when you’re sober and straight. I always knew this, but I never really accepted the truth of it until my fifties! Maybe it’s a function of age, but there ya go! Good luck with the challenge you have in front of you. You have a major struggle to undertake, and it will take time; but you have to do it–what’s the alternative?!?
Well anyway, it sounds like you need some purposeful work once you get your physical situation stabilized. I hope some of these little things add up to be helpful for you.

8

I am pulling for you, FGIE. I’d say “Hang in there”, but that’s not nearly enough is it. Get mad, fight, kick this thing. Get the help you need, and use it. One day at a time. Fight! I am sending good thoughts and energy out to you.

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Seems I skipped over the last couple of posts. You gotta get an aim, a project, something that looks to the future–even if imaginary! You gotta have a purpose no matter how small. Learn that riff. Memorize those lyrics. Or start reading up on something–I don’t know what your interests are, but become an expert on US foreign policy, or the Russian Revolution, or the making of the atomic bomb…anything that you can BUILD on and reach to the future. In the meantime…well you know what to do and what not to do…you have a pile of shit to get out of, but you can get out of it if you stay strong enough–and that strength comes from staying straight (old 60s locution). You’ll feel it eventually. Shit man, hang in there!

10

I appreciate the suggestion. I have been to them before when I’ve tried to quit in the past. Sounds like I may need to reconsider.

They are, especially about the guitar playing. I’ve always been more of a lead player, I’m pretty good at soloing and now that I only play by myself, I find playing riffs to be boring so I almost immediately launch into solos. But I’ve promised myself that I’m going to avoid the distortion channel on my amp and work on my articulation to eliminate slop. Along with this I’d like to do as you suggest and learn songs correctly and in their entirety…I know mostly fragments from songs that I learned by ear.

Another thing I need to do is go back to playing along with simpler songs to get my riffing and chord work improved. I also have Amplitube software on this PC, along with an audio interface and a simple version of ProTools for recording. That’s another thing I need to get back into is recording my solos and practices. Going back and re-listening to
them is helpful for critical listening.

Thanks, I do appreciate it. I keep telling myself that I want to live long enough to see my sons graduate from high school (and maybe even college!). One is 15, the other is 11. Their Summer is about to start and they are going to be mad at me because we’ve got a long month of work ahead of us to get this shithole packed up and cleared out to move into our new apartment. I have been trying to sell the house but it needs so much work that I cannot afford or do myself, so chances are we’re just going to abandon it.

11

I can’t offer much advice on the alcoholism. Just my best wishes.

For the house, recently I was able to sell my house by finding a real estate company that specialized in connecting home owners with the right contractors, who would take their fees out of escrow. We made needed repairs and improvements, sold the house, and then paid out. We still walked away with some money. Maybe this would be an option to look at for you, rather than abandoning the mortgage?

12

I’m glad you have a sober friend and confidant. But please remember not to compare or align yourself to him. Don’t think you have to either be stuck-in-bed-**FGiE **or veggie-aikido-spiritual-**FGiE **and if you can’t be the former then your only option is the latter. You need to do your version of recovery and life-living, which will start with very very tiny goals compared to where your friend is at.

It’s awesome that you’ve made it this far in your treatment/recovery without any psychological help but it seems that you’ve done all you can do now and it’s time to get the rest of your insides fixed. Your brain.

I know you can do this because you keep coming back here telling us you want to. You just gotta take the steps to get the right help.

Peace to you man, keep fighting.

13

I think the best advice I’ve seen on this thread is to seek professional help, preferably with someone who has a track record of specifically helping people with substance abuse issues.

14

I never find it useful to explore why I, or any alcoholic drinks. I drink because I am an alcoholic. Until I embraced that, and took the necessary steps to stay sober (going to meetings, talking to recovering people on a daily basis, working the steps) all the insight in the world about my “whys” only resulted in me being a relapsing alcoholic.

15

This is the part that doesn’t quite gel for me. FoieGrasIsEvil said he smokes pot. Isn’t that simply switching one substance for another?

Stay strong, brother!

16

I have to concur with this observation. Best to associate with others who are successfully abstaining from all mood-altering substances. Pot was my second-favorite drug, after the opioids. Alcohol was 3rd. I need to abstain from all those substances, I cannot use any of them without dire consequences nor without relapsing to other categories.

Some will argue that harm reduction strategies should be employed. With alcohol being so very problematic for our OP’s health, would he not be better off smoking pot? While there are situations where that is a less bad option, it’s far, far from optimal and fraught with its own risks. Firstly, if one needs a new liver, one will need to avoid all illicit substances to get on the transplant list. Consumption of cannabis will get one bumped off the list once one is on in most cases, also. Secondly, relapse to alcohol is very common while under the influence of other substances.

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And remember that alcohol is a mood altering (among it’s other qualities) drug. You body and psyche have gotten used to the alcohol as a component of your mood regulation, and now they dont have it. It may take a while, but your body WILL eventually figure out how to operate correctly without alcohol, and you will feel better. In the meantime, as others have said, counseling and support are your best tools to prevent relapse; take full advantage of the help others can give! You are not alone.
Good Luck!

mc

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Aside from the possibility of relapsing on alcohol/opioids while on pot, what dire consequences followed from pot use?

What do you think of prescriptions for oxycodone/benzos when quitting alcohol or other substances?

In what situations would smoking pot be a less bad option?

19

Not being eligible for a liver transplant. Legal complications. People still end up in jails and prison for using pot.

There is no reason for using opioids like oxycodone for alcohol withdrawal or to try to promote abstinence from alcohol. Risk of harm far, far exceeds any potential benefit.

Benzos are THE drug to use when alcohol withdrawal seizures are a concern. But once that need has passed, there’s really no clear benefit, and lots of potential hazards, particularly cross-addiction and benzo dependency (which is a particularly vicious thing to detox from.)

If the patient is going to use some sort of mood-altering substance no matter what, pot is probably the most benign one out there. Its medical benefits are far, far, far oversold but so are its dangers.

20

I just wanted to underline the fact that benzos are the firstline drug to prevent death from alcohol withdrawal. Death from alcohol withdrawal really happens. Other seizure drugs don’t work, because you need weeks to build up a blood level. Benzos work almost instantly to stop seizures-- some people with epilepsy who still have occasional seizures while on a maintenance med have benzos as a PRN. They get an aura, sort of like a migraine aura, on a “seizure day,” and can head it off.

I know a few people who don’t understand why you would given a proven addict something like Valium. It keeps them alive, that’s why.