I agree…try pot…if you can…on probation and all
I’ve suggested this before (in very different contexts): If there’s a void that needs to be filled, nothing does it like a high-adrenaline adventure sport. At one point or another, I’ve suggested taking up skydiving. (No, I’m not just pushing my own hobby here. I’m not a skydiver.)
I’ve taken up a different “adventure sport” in the past year, not quite so adrenalin-laden as skydiving (but close), and it’s certainly helped fill certain voids in my life. If you can get yourself sober enough for just long enough, think about whether there’s something you could try that’s exciting enough for you to enjoy even when you’re sober. Think about it.
No, they’re not, and you know that. At least don’t lie to yourself about the hideous thing you’re planning to do to your kids. And don’t lie to yourself that you can’t change.
AA meetings are terrible where you are? Well, I guess that’s it, then–it’s not like you can move, or find a therapist, or drive a little further. A shitty long death is the only alternative.
But that’s not true. They aren’t going to understand.
It’s one thing to kill yourself, but you should at least face the facts. Your kids aren’t going to be happier after you’re dead. I mean, can you at least wait until they’re 18 or so before you kill yourself?
I agree that your kids don’t understand. They’re living a hell having an alcoholic parent that YOU don’t understand. I know you don’t see it like this, but what they see is that you’ve chosen alcohol over them.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know you don’t have any control over it right now. I hope something someone says here resonates with you. Please don’t die.
I am NOT choosing my sons over ANYTHING. They are all I have left. The fact that I continue to abuse alcohol is basically irrelevant in that regard. What they do not know is my inherent sadness. I wish to die. I no longer hold life as relevant, except for them. So yes, I will try to keep after it while they are in my care, but after that…a dirt nap sounds pretty nice.
I’m not sure how it’s irrelevant. If you care for them, you can show it by doing the things you don’t really want to do to get help. A parent suicide, whether short or long, no matter the kids’ age, fucks up kids–and you can choose not to do this to them.
I am not committing suicide, although I think about it all the time. Someone has to get the 12 year old to football practice!
I hate myself, hate my life and what I have become. I am a MONSTER. I wish death upon myself.
They are not fine. They do not understand. Have the integrity to stop lying to yourself about this.
Since you’ve lost the desire to get better, there’s really nothing to say. I do wish the best for you and your sons.
Get detoxed as an inpatient, check yourself into a residential rehab facility for 3 or so months. It’s your best chance.
That’s what saved me.
Time passes, and you end up better. Though I doubt you can see that now. But it does work.
Don’t know what your living conditions are like, but why don’t you take a walk outside? Just go outside and walk over to some kind of landmark. Let the sun shine on you, or the stars, whatever time of day it is. Let the breeze blow on you. Listen to all the sounds around you, and identify them. A car going down the street, birds chirping, wadded paper bouncing around. Listen and look at how the world outside of you lives. You are part of this universe, and it’s a magnificent universe.
thanks guys, I need help. I am a drinking machine.
This makes me want to cry
THen check in to your local detox facility NOW and get referred for residential treatment. That’s what it will take at this stage to give you a decent shot at recovering.
That is my professional recommendation for people whose alcoholism is as advanced as you describe yours to be. And I’ve seen it succeed for people as and more severe than you.
But nothing less than that is likely to work at this stage.
thinking about suicide all the time sounds like reason enough to call the professionals: they know what to say.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
also, what the doctor said (Qadgop the Mercotan)
I think you’re spot on about the need for professional help. But does the OP want to get better? I asked that earlier, and didn’t see an answer. If he doesn’t first want to get better, nothing is going to happen.
You are** not** a monster; you have a disease. It happens all the time, to all kinds of people all over the place. You do not have to be alone in this.
Ambivalence is the normal state of affairs for the disease of alcoholism. Action needs to be taken, and the desire for getting better will continue to grow.
Don’t add suicide to your childrens pain…they have a life to live…you are obligated to give them as much as you can…don’t do it!!