In which I declare my intention: I'm gonna quit drinking.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I know you all don’t know me from Eve iirl but I honestly feel like 'fessing up and making a promise to a bunch of Internet folks will help me feel accountable to more people.

I had a really bad day on Friday. I went to the bank to close my newly-dead husband’s credit cards, found out I STILL don’t have all the various forms I need (I didn’t know! I’m new to this whole freshly-widowed thing!) and I gotta make a trip downtown to get shit from the courthouse. Then his parents came over to take his wheelchair, bring me a big portrait of him, and a bunch of other crap, that I didn’t expect to hurt as much as it did. And after they left, I … Well, there’s no way around it, I started drinking, lost track of how much I was having, and waaaaaaaaaaay overdid it. My mother happened to stop by to drop something off, and was concerned enough to call EMTs and then haul my ass to the local ER for a whole lot of lecturers plus 2 bags of saline.

Upon discharge, my parents - without warning me - drove me to their house instead of my own, where I spent a sleepless night and an absolutely miserable day riding out the withdrawal. I have to explain at this point that my parents and were estranged for years, and its only recently that we’ve cautiously re-established a relationship.

I’m humiliated. There’s no way around that. Being dragged to the hospital by your own parents and having to face - and admit to - a drinking problem is embarrassing. I’m so sorry to have worried and inconvenienced them, and frankly, I don’t wanna go through withdrawal again. There’s no hangover that can touch that feeling, and I didn’t even have them bad enough to hallucinate or any of that like the high-level DTs.

So, there’s no choice for me anymore to simply not buy anymore. Johnny’s parents came over while I was being held hostage at my parents and got rid of anything alcoholic they cold find, so there’s none in the house, and all that’s left for me is to not darken the doors of a liquor store ever again.

  • deep breath *

So I hope that the more people know, the more people I’d have to admit to if I fuck up again. Between my husband’s long, scary illness, and then caring for him at home - plus some long, boring corporate crap background that’s too much for me tok detail now - my life has been a living hell for over the past year. And part of that was not taking care of myself anymore. So now I need to re-learn to focus on myself again, and to take better care of myself.

So, uh, now you guys know, too. I want you to know that it took a lot of courage for me to post this Semi-publicly and a while of giving myself the “big girl panties” lecture.

2

I do wish you good luck and strength. You’ve been through hell. We’re here to help you back again.

3

Thank you so much for sharing, and for taking the steps toward recovery. I hope it goes well for you. I am so sorry for what you’ve had to go through.

4

I want to add my supportive voice. Please take care of yourself. You deserve a healthy you.

5

Best wishes, and don’t feel bad if you slip.

And no, I am NOT trying to “give her permission” to do anything but be human, and sincerely hope for the best.

I dried out 8 years ago in a hospital. I was there for other reasons, and decided to, this once, NOT do the AMA thing and go home and drink.
It wasn’t as bad as I had feared, and I had helpful docs with anti-anxiety drug (Ativan (Lorazepam) - it is a benzodiazepine, and those can be scary - Valium is the best known (and one of the weakest)).

Contrary to popular mythology, I CAN have a drink or two and stop. There is a few ounces of vodka in the pantry - it’s been there for 3 years.

6

Hi, Purps! How are you? I am coming up on the 2nd anniversary of my dad’s unexpected death (Oct. 2), so I have some small semblance of an idea of how you feel. More importantly, I am very very close to my stepmom, so that gives me a slightly better idea of the hell you’re going through right now.

See, here’s the thing: my dad was in incredibly good health, and minus the botched surgery he probably would have lasted at least another 40 years. My stepmom feels gypped. You probably do too. I’m not sure how many nights she’s been sober since he died. I found I was pregnant a month after he died, or I would probably be on a two-year bender to this day. We all lost a ton of years with a person who was the best man I’ve ever known.

Here’s what I’m saying: don’t be drunk for the next two years. But also don’t feel like you’re a terrible person for getting way too drunk a couple of times around his funeral. We’ve had threads on this multiple times. Some people drink, some don’t. I personally have at least two nights where I couldn’t tell you exactly what happened, and I know for sure that one of my dad’s best friends ended up naked on my basement couch. Life sucks right now. Let it suck.

7

Take good care of yourself, purple. Try to do cathartic things that don’t involve hurting yourself in any way, you’ve been through enough.

Don’t be hard on yourself for having drunk too much. It’s good that your parents saw you and realized that you were in a serious condition. They probably realize more than you think the hardship you’ve survived, and they’ve probably known others who’ve hit the bottle in times of despair. Don’t be ashamed because you’ve loved and lost, and that the pain was too big to handle.

Just take care.

8

This kind of thing is VERY common after a trauma like this. What’s done is done, and you need to take care of yourself and not do that again.

One of my Facebook friends, a woman I knew in school, lost her common-law husband about a year ago, and she has NOT handled it well. She’s been repeatedly admonished by people who know her better than I do that she needs to lay off the nightly partying, and stop posting “420” memes now that she’s looking for a job.

9

My suggestion is find a support group you’re comfortable with both for help in quitting drinking and for dealing with your loss.

10

Wishing you strength. I gave up an addiction of my own — smoking — 11 years ago, so I know how damn hard it is. One day at a time and you’ll make it.

11

Maybe we can be sisters in solidarity. I quit smoking in January, but refraining from buying ciggies is still the hardest thing I do every day. Best of luck, and my thoughts are with you during such a difficult time.

12

Drunken stupors and blackouts are great places in which to not find your real self, only hide. When they stop, well, there you are again with all the same issues to deal with that were just postponed. If anybody’s had a reason to get plastered it’s you {{{purple}}} so don’t be too hard on yourself. Since you’ve made the decision to not continue down that road, please do find a grief support group and give AA a try. You seem to be an independent, sort of introverted person so you might be hesitating but AA doesn’t judge and you don’t even have to talk that much, just listen. In fact, they say that at first “Take the cotton out of yours ears and stick it in your mouth.” You might find that having a place where you can go and, in anonymity, find solace and support really does help. It’s not unlike the Dope, just IRL, and I think that’s better than you being alone right now. Even though we are here for you, anytime, night or day.

13

Wishing good things for you; we’re here if you need us! {{{purplehorseshoe}}}

14

You have my support. Praying for strength and peace for you. Good luck and check in with us; we’re here for you.

15

I’m not sure that throwing a bender under the circumstances is necessarily a sign of an alcohol problem, but not drinking for a while…or maybe forever…certainly can’t hurt, either. Do what you need to do.

16

Oh shoe…we may not know you irl, but you have so many admirers here after the hell you’ve been going through.

SDMB is chocked full of people who have survived alcoholism, or an alcoholic binge. Many of them have posted lots publicly, and I’m sure would be happy to talk to you privately as well.

And the rest of us? We’re here to cheer you on, and to listen. You can do this.

{{shoe}}

17

You do have the strength to overcome this. And you have friends here to help.
Keep this thread going. Post about the times you kept yourself sober. The good times. You will have them and you deserve to talk about them. We certainly want to hear about them and give you the congrats you deserve.
We can help and you are worth helping! :slight_smile:

18

One day at a time, purple. And as I posted in your previous thread, “if you’re going through hell, keep going.”

19

Nothin’ much to say except that I’ve seen your declaration, and I hold you in my heart. You’re accountable to yourself, and if it helps you to be accountable to me (us) too, then here we are.

{{purplehorseshoe}}

20

Just want to echo what others have said: find a support group. Listening & talking to people who have been through it can be very helpful. You’re not alone. Hang in there, purple.