Would he be this freaked out if it were a son instead of a daughter?
I’m a week ahead of you.
You mean if his son were inviting boys over to spend the night?
Here’s my problem with the whole double bed for kids thing. When friends of mine were buying furniture for their baby daughter’s first room, they bought the entire double bed, dresser, nightstand combo…for an 18-month-old…because they said she’d then have it when she moved out at 18. So they spent a fortune on big, heavy furniture that they would end up moving with at least five times in the next 17 years…while it gets dented, and scratched, and chipped…and takes up an ungodly amount of space that could be better used for toys and playing and, well, just walking around in the tiny, tiny bedrooms that constitute kid’s room these days. And what if when she grows up she wants French Provincial, or Danish Modern instead of Colonial? She’s stuck, because Mom and Dad planned ahead, with old, beat up furniture she’s bored with.
Let kids sleep in a twin size until they move out. My husband and I couldn’t afford a new mattress at first in our first apartment, so we very happily snuggled together in my old twin for a few months…and sex happened very successfully. As it did in the twin beds at college.
So don’t waste floor space on a child’s future sex life, and let her enjoy fun sheets at half the price.
If he were thinking about the son having girls over in the future and needing a double bed.
Tomcat, it ain’t the bed that’s the problem, so don’t worry about it.
Just make sure, as she gets older, that one AND ALL, BIGAWD, know that the problem is WITH YOU!!!
One thing that always worked for me when our daughter was growing up was being in the process of field-stripping and cleaning my .45 automatic and mumbling about how I sure didn’t want to go back to prision, because one more murder would make me a three-time loser…
Well, you get the message.
From the time I was out of the crib until I was seven I had a double bed. (I don’t know why my parents didn’t get me a twin, but there you go!)
Then my sister was born and after she got out of the crib, we had to share a room so my parents gave my double to my grandmother (who still sleeps in it) and got us twin beds. However, because I was so upset about having to give up my old bed, my parents gave in to my childhood dream and got us matching canopy beds.
Of course not, the average Dad is still very happily chauvinistic about these things. It is practically wired into us to be more concerned about our little girls than little boys. Part of it is we remember what Teen Boys are like, most of us still don’t understand Teen Girls.
Is it fair or right, no not really, but it is how it is for now.
Jim {my daughter is only 8 so I have a few more years thankfully}
I’m pretty sure it’s not like that in Australia, at least among anyone I know who has teenagers. One woman I know still denies her 18-year-old girl has ever taken a drink or kissed a boy, and she seems typical of the parents I know. (The girl in question babysat for us once, loaded her IM program onto our computer, and accidentally left it there, so we discovered her not-so-prudish nickname :eek: )
Ya’ know, I’ve seen several posts similar to this here lately. Looking back on those years when I was between the ages of 12 and 20, I took out what now seems like an embarrassing number of girls. 30+ different girls, at least.
I never had a girl’s dad pull something like that on me. Maybe because I always shook their hands, looked 'em in the eye and called 'em “Sir”, but I never had a dad bluff that tough guy shit.
I don’t think it would have had any effect on how my relationship went with the girl. Maybe I’d have packed some heat of my own or something, just in case, but that attitude wouldn’t have altered my actions with the girl one bit.
Two of those girls dads were policemen, one had done time for multiple armed robberies and one was an Air Force Colonel. They, and all the other dads treated me with respect, if they took any notice of me at all. I treated them the same.
I wouldn’t recommend the tough guy ploy, all you’re doing is embarrassing your daughter.
If/when our future son (we’re tryin!) hits that age, I am sure that the same concern will be brought up.
I just wonder what I’ll do regarding the partner(s)…Do you tell the other parents what is going on? “Hi Mrs. Denkins. Suzie/Shawn is going to come over and make squishy-squishy noises with our pride-n-joy tonight. Do you have any spare condems and batteries? We’re fresh out; but we just got them a new tube of AstroGlide. They generally use about 3 condoms a night…Yes Mrs. Denkins, I’ll make sure they finish their algebra homework before they go bonk each other’s brains out. School comes first, then they can.”
As for the gay/lesbian clause…Hmmmm…I think Wifecat will have far more problems with that than I. But she’d learn to deal with it, I’m sure. She does have a few queer friends, but that mental thing of “My kid is a homosexual.” will probably take some time to get used to. But what would you do at that young age? I don’t really know…except that I’d be even more blunt and insistant on condom use. Then again, how does one police THAT? “Johnny, are you making sure Joey uses a condom when you take it up the butt? No bareback in this house!”
There is a need for limits…And I am hoping that being open and honest will allow our kids to establish some better mental association with sex, which will hopefully lead to better choices/relationships. That is the hope. The reality, of course, may be quite different. But in the end, I would rather my kid grew up learning about their body in a safe environment that fosters respect for them as an individual. Ignoring what is going on or shaming the kids is mainly to blame for so many problems teens face, be it sex, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or listening to Kenny G.
-Tcat
I think there’s a big difference between ignoring human sexuality and basically giving your teenage children free reign to have sex in the house anytime they want.
In general teenage boys don’t like to use condoms, and while most men of all ages don’t like to use condoms, teenage boys will often times simply refuse to use them. You can talk to your kid til your blue in the face to not have sex if the guy isn’t using a condom. But most girls aren’t going to tell their teenage boyfriends “no” just because of a matter like transmission of STDs. Especially since the guy will probably make whatever claims necessary to assure her he’s not an STD risk. This is probably heightened by the fact, I’m assuming, your daughter is growing up in Europe where most men are not circumcised. Speaking as a previously uncircumcised male I can say that condoms are a bigger annoyance when you have to deal with foreskin and I was much more prone to not bother with them prior to being circumcised.
On top of that, I think we really need to take a close look at whether or not minors really are mentally developed enough to be involved in these types of situations. I tend to think they aren’t because there’s not been a teenager I’ve met in my life that was emotionally on par with an adult, nor was I even close to being “mature” at 14.
Personally I feel if you still think your child should be living under your roof, and wouldn’t be comfortable with them moving out and making all the adult decisions involved in that, it’s probably not a good idea to let them have sex. I think choosing sexual partners is at least on par as far as required maturity as choosing an apartment and budgeting monthly bills.
I think you are getting whooshed by your own logic.
Want to know how many girls I had sex with as a teen whose parents wouldn’t let them have sex? Over 10.
And how, exactly, does one learn to make choices? Do you expect them to wake up one day and all of a sudden know who to marry, what apartment contract to sign and how to balance their checkbook? No, they will make choices, some good, some bad, and learn from them. Our job as a parent is to coach them into making better decisions, on average, and how to learn from them, and, most importantly- to pick them up when they fall flat on their faces.
Also, I might add, that your examples stress exactly where I’m coming from on getting them to make better decisions. My kid can hire someone to find them an apartment. They can hire an accountant to balance their bills. They cannot hire someone else to make their relationship choices. They need to learn about that through family and friends, books and counselors…but they need to be in it to really learn from it.
A parent that is open and up front about sexuality and relationships will most likely be listened to by a teen. One can have good conversations about these things. The importance of condom use can be discussed, turned over, thought about and presented in so many ways that hopefully the teen will use them. Much more so than if those conversations didn’t exist. And if they are able to experiment and learn at their own pace, then why wouldn’t they use a condom? I believe that my daughter will be stronger, more informed and more capable of setting a limit because she is impowered to set limits for herself. It is her body, not mine, and she will learn that there are consequences to actions that can affect her. And if she is ‘allowed’ to have sex at home, then I believe she won’t hesitate to throw some jerk out who insists on not using a condom, or not respecting her boundaries. She’ll learn how to say “No.” and mean it, because she has the option to say “Yes.” She’ll learn that guys that don’t take “No.” for an answer are generally not the ones she wants to continue her relationship with.
If she is not ‘allowed’ to have sex at home, then how do you propose she deal with being pressured to have no-condom sex with a guy in the back seat of his car? “My Daddy says I can’t have sex yet. I’m not mentally mature enough. Can you please drive me home now?” :rolleyes:
Then there is the whole aspect of the other person too. A guy who comes in and meets the parents that the daughter has a good relationship with will have many a conversation with them too. It’s not like we will just look up from the morning paper and ask if the guy wants pancakes for breakfast, m’kay? It’s a process of conversation that treats all members with respect.
-Tcat
My dad tried that tough guy shit. I just quit having the guys pick me up at home. I’d get in my car and go meet them somewhere. His behavior was childish and embarassing in addition to being completely chauvanistic.
Or guaranteeing that she makes sure you don’t even meet the guy, and that she resents and disrespects you.
I seriously recommend against the tough guy act.
My dad was one of those ‘don’t let them have sex.’
In his mind, it worked out well and I’m a 27 year-old virgin. The reality is quite different. Course, I had to go and find out all the info on safe sex and things on my own, because he took the ‘You don’t screw till you’re married.’ approach and my mom wasn’t going to overrule that.
Jeez, fourteen!?! I’m not saying it doesn’t happen at that age or that parents shouldn’t be prepared, but is it really considered normal and acceptable? Is it to be encouraged? For crying out loud, I was 20 when I lost my virginity–does that make me some sort of freak today? It was hard enough feeling pressure from peers, but I can’t imagine if mom and dad were asking things like, “How come we spend all that money on a sturdy double bed if you never even use it?” I was always grateful that there were at least two people I knoew who weren’t expecting me to have sex all the time.
Am I really that out of touch? Is there any age at which sex is seen as simply inappropriate (or at least a generally bad idea) these days? Again, I’m not saying that parents should be closing their eyes to what happens or taking a hard line stance that may drive sexual behavior underground, but I don’t think they should be expecting or encouraging sex (even tacitly) at fourteen, either.
::sigh:: Twenty-eight is too soon to feel like an old prude! :rolleyes:
I had ONE tough-guy try that crap on me. First time he met me, after I’d been dating his daughter for a month, and he growls “if i catch you two messing around, I know you can’t outrun a .357”. I looked him right in the eye and said “I shoot competition rifle, don’t get overconfident”. And from then on she had to lie about where she was going to hang out with me (fortunately, her aunt and uncle thought Dad was an ass so we hung out there and watched movies frequently.
It’s worse than embarassing–it frequently backfires, especially when the boyfriend has been raised by an ex-Navy entrepreneur to not take crap from blowhards when you’re in the right.
I dunno. I don’t think the physical age should be the problem in anything but the eyes of the law. Some countries like the US tend to set the age of consent at the point where we’re reasonably sure all people ought be trusted, and some like the Czech Republic and Canada set it low in the expectation that parental intervention will prevent the emotionally immature from knocking boots while the emotionally mature can carry on.
While I didn’t lose my virginity until 20 either, I definitely did some things in my teens that had potential to get me arrested. Not to mention the woman I dated who was 16 when I was 19–don’t laugh, I didn’t know she was 16 BECAUSE SHE WAS A COLLEGE JUNIOR (and probably more mature than I was). I know a lot of 14yr olds who don’t deserve the label “child” because they’re as intelligent and mature as any adult. By the same token, I know a lot of twentysomethings who probably should still be living at home and not be allowed to make financial or relationship decisions on their own (but it’s a free country, so if you want to spend $200/week on MGD and liquor and have sex with college freshmen, that’s technically your right.).
I don’t think age SHOULD matter as much as the individual cases of the individuals involved. I can’t say whether or not I’d be comfortable with my 14yrold son/daughter having sex or not until I meet them and judge for myself.
I can say this–I DO want them doing it where I can intervene if necessary, rather than drunkenly in a car seat somewhere. Too many drunken gang-rapes were perpetrated on females of my acquaintance at parties for me to be comfortable with the masses.
Yes.
Sorry.
“Studies indicate that in the United States, the average age at first sexual intercourse is 16 years,” according to The World Health Organization
and
If you ask me, you guys have it backwards here. I mean, what fun is being a teenager if it doesn’t involve at least a little sneaking someone out your bedroom window? Way to take the thrill away, Tomcat. :rolleyes:
I’m sure I’m statistically a late bloomer, but I’m not convinced I’m a freak. If 16 is the average in the US, what’s the standard deviation? Someone has to ballance out all those 13 and 14 year olds. I also believe the average age of first sexual encounter increases with socio-economic status and education and is higher for whites and asians in the US than for other races. That probably makes somewhat less of an anomalie.
Cultural standards for these things vary so tremendously, I’m not sure worldwide statistics are particularly relevent. Of course the OP was talking about the Czech Republic.
Here in the US, I don’t think I’ve ever met a 14 y.o. I thought was mature enough to deal with the possible ramifications of sex, but then again, I don’t typically hang out with fourteen year olds asking myself that question.
Good advice. I guess I should have included a winkie in my post. 
I will take this opportunity to seriously add a comment to one thing you said above. Please, never, NEVER embarass her in front of a date! Bad, bad, bad.