In which I mock my brother

My brother is an absolute fuckheaded self-righteous self-centered holier-than-thou more-patriotic-than-thou sonovabitch.

At the age of 21 years old, he is a Petty Officer in the Navy home on leave. I am a 19 year old unemployed college student. Now, according to theory, this should mean he’s the more responsible and disciplined fellow. Unfortunately for my mother, this is not actual truth.

It is, as of this moment, 12:11PM and the last day of my brother’s nine day Christmas palm period (leave). He is still in bed with my mother shouting at the top of her lungs for him to get up since 10AM like she’s done since he was FIVE YEARS OLD. Why is she doing this? Because he wants to go look at cars. Yes, he wants to do something so she’s yelling to roust him out of bed. Has my brother even matured slightly since he was, oh, 12 years old? For those of you who think this an isolated incident, my mother has been doing the same thing each morning he’s been on leave because he’s set up plans and just caaaan’t miss them. Who would he blame it on if he didn’t get to do what he wanted? Why the most obvious person in the world… my MOTHER! Isn’t that a logical conclusion? Because, y’know, she didn’t try hard enough to get her 180 pound baby out of bed and so now he can’t go drool over the latest Toyota or whatever the fuck is up today.

Did I mention he then turns around and tries to belittle me at every opportunity? He does. See, I just don’t understand the courage it took for him to float deep in the depths of a ship a couple hundred miles off the coast of Israel while planes heading for Iraq took off and landed above him. It was only his nerves of steel that allowed him to survive! No, all I did was stand up before a largely hostile audience of people and argue for a human rights ordinance to be passed. All I did during that time was walk up to total strangers and ask them if they wanted to help out with this Day of Silence thing. This and more would be insignificant faggy shit, according to him, and not worth considering for a moment. Oh yes, and he’s so much more world-wise than I am, dontcherknow, because he’s a NAVY man! He’s seen it all, he has, and nothing can shock him anymore… unless its his little brother and his mother giving him a safer sex talk tag team.

All this is so frustrating because sometimes he shows a glimmer of capacity towards being, not just a human being, but an honest to God excellent person. There are times when he can be gentle, appreciative, smart, and funny. Why can’t he just bite the bullet, get over himself, and actually start acting somewhere around his age?

Well at least I feel a little better now.

P.S: To any and all Armed Services people who might read this post, my annoyance is not with my brother’s claims that he’s courageous but rather his refusal to admit that anyone else not in the Armed Forces could be just as brave as him. No one, you see, is allowed to be just as good or right in his eyes.

Great rant. I’d reword the following sentence though.


FWIW, I concur.


I’m from Kentucky, but we’re not that rooted in our state’s heritage. For clarification: My mother was shouting at HIM while he was still in bed. She was not in bed with anybody at the time and hasn’t been for a while (yes that includes my good ole dad).

Next time he pops off tell him you hear Navy men take it in the ass.

As much of a jackass as he is, your mother is the root of the problem. I seriously doubt that there’s anyone waiting around on a sub for him to decide to roll his candy ass out of bed to start a duty shift, so obviously he’s worked out some system for waking up absent your mother’s dulcet tones. Let him sleep as late as he wants and tell your mother to go take a nap too, instead of standing there screaming at him. Alternatively, explore other methods of waking him up in the morning. I suggest either a glass of cold water poured over his head or a bowl of warm water into which you dip his hand.

Otto: I told my mother many of the same things this morning. She’s an enabler for his bad habits, excusing them and working around them every single time. He doesn’t so much give me trouble anymore outside of the annoyances listed above because he knows I can tongue-lash him on any subject he cares to choose, but its sad to watch my mother bend over backwards for the kid (probably a mistake) and then him simply take the entire thing for granted. I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t taken advantage of my parents’ kindness from time to time, but at least I try to mention how much I appreciate it.

Ehh… if it were my house, I’dve let him sleep til his plane for Norfolk took off then phoned up the MPs tommorow telling them he was still here and to feel free to apply the boot to his head. At least then he’d know not to take the occassional wake-up call for granted.


Care to elaborate?

“I’m a Navy Man! I’ve seen it all and done it all! Nothing can shock me!”

“Then why can’t you get your lazy ass out of bed on time?”

For the sake of time, energy, and a small remaining reserve of dignity let us just say it started with my brother talking about a prospective date that evening as we drove home from dinner and ended with my mother pulling over at an AmeriStop to buy him condoms and a weighing of the pros and cons of spermicides.

He was not amused, but I found it utterly hilarious.

See, now your mom’s buying him condoms and making sure he knows how to use them is A Very Cool Thing. Your mom scores points for that. That’s the sort of protectiveness she should have in spades (although really she should have made him pay for his own condoms).

Could you not have Crazy Glued just one Trojan to his forehead as he slept? One drop and you lower it by string. You were at the AmeriStop anyway and $1.59 seems well worth the entertainment value…

Priam: Your brother and mine sound like they’d get along just fine, except mine is 10 years old (and all the more ossified into assholery). Substitute my dad for your mom and it’s fairly close. You have all my sympathies.

Arguing with people like this is useless. All the advice for your mom is good but she’s not going to take it because she’s been dealing with your brother this way for years and that’s their pattern. It’s up to her to change that relationship and she may never. All you can do is try not to let it drive you crazy, advice I never could take, but maybe you’re a better man than I.

Good luck, and remember, leave doesn’t last forever. It’s when he gets out and moves back in with Mom that the headaches really begin (speaking from experience…)