I quite like sprouts actually but as far as choc is concerned I can take it or leave it, unless of course it is coating my sprouts. 
Heretic!
Yes! and that’s another thing that The Almighty One Up There would have had you burned at the stake for…I’d be very careful if I were you.
tiptoes in and whispers
When God made Man, SHE was only joking!
tiptoes out
Keep an eye on this one, she looks like trouble
shhhh, she might be listening!
Maybe we could stone her?
Okay, I should have asked my question in GQ. If you can’t beat 'em…
God, dear sweet twisted God, why did you make lekatt? (And why did you let him come back. Um,… thinking about it I can see why you let him come back, but again why make him in the first place?)
Look, here’s a deal – I’ll be good for a week; phone my mother, stay under the speed-limit, eat my chocolate-coated sprouts, drink only after twelve, and consider my neighbours ass off-limits, coveting-wise. In return, could you break his modem?
The Great Unwashed: You are really pushing your luck here, let me explain
Good…in what way good, in bed, no swearing or what
Drink after 12…Midday/midnight? I’m not psychic y’know
Beastiality…is illegal, try a woman or a bloke…whatever
Phone mum…transfer charge calls or not
sprouts…I’m ignoring this as I feel you are taking the piss
and finally who the hell is LEKATT or do you mean Le Chat
stop wasting my time, I’m working on WW3 at the moment
To clarify, so you can get on with your plans:
Good – No excessive swearing, which to be frank, is a pretty fucking bad habit anyway
Drink after 12 – 12 midday or 12 midnight, that much was perfectly clear
Beastiality – Well that’s why I was so happy to give it up. Duh!
Phone mum – to be honest, I might have to let this one slip, as such telephone conversations turn me to premature drinking and excessive swearing, but I shall doubly stay under the speed limit to make up – that’s no amphetamines whatsoever before, say, 8, maybe 7, 6 on weekends
sprouts – I won’t withdraw this, I shall eat every chocolate-coated sprout I am offered, a deal is a deal
who the hell is LEKATT? – you truly are blessed if God has seen to it that you have remained thus far ignorant of the man-who-will-not-die
OK TGU: We have a deal PROVIDED you attend The Church of The Golden Dildo and Satisfying Vibrating Instrument (amen) early on Sunday morning, say around 4.30 and also if you agree to eat all your greens, including broccoli.
This should not be to much of a problem as I have arranged for WW3 to commence at 4.45, you will more than likely be dead at 4.31 so I’ll see you at the pearlies and you can tell me who Lekatt is as I have no fucking (oops) idea
I think those who don’t like brussel sprouts should be killed, in gods name.
spogga, I missed the bit where you get to negotiate for the big G, I thought you were here to give Him the pitting he so clearly deserves.
Perhaps you thought I was offering a deal to you? Well, if you can arrange for the modem-mishap I’ll deal with anyone.
Best not to meet at the Pearly Gates, I think two Mancunians turning up at once might freak St Peter.
Verily I say unto you TGU I have so Pitted the big G about various matters up to and including 5 of the 10 commandments, the remainder I am at present working on, yea!
Unfortunately my son I am unable to sort out the modem mishap but suggest a bucket of white gloss paint turfed through thy neighbours front window at about midnight will cause great weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Remember to half prise the lid off the can before thou casteth forth.
Fellow Manc Eh! from whence haileth my child in this good and gracious City.
Methinks you meant scousers in your last sentence.
Verily, I was drug into this world in a slum terrace upon the hill of Cheetham. By the time I was six the goodly burghers of the council of Manchester compulsarily purchased this abode in order that they might build a slum that would last well into the 80s.
Gracefully they rehoused us atop another hill above a dainty, and capriciously named, Dam Head Farm (for there was no dam to be found, and, precious little head). But there was a farm, and it had a duck pond, until the local burghers had the grand wheeze that the valley that led through the farm would be a perfectly good place to hide several million tons of rubbish. They iced this cake with concrete and built upon it little red brick slums to remind me of my roots.
Later, showing a spirit of grand adventure, I escaped to such exotic extremes as Moston, where I would learn that the best way to not be burgled was to not own anything. This same spirit of adventure brought me to spend a bewildered and drug-hazy decade of the prime of my life among the denizens of Crumpsall, before a series of tragi-comic events (precipitated by what I can only describe as unwarranted officiousness by the local DHSS) in my late twenties led to my final and permanent escape.
Er, is this more detail than you wanted?
And it came to pass that I kneweth of the Cheethamites and yea also the Mostons of Manchester 10 and even unto the Crumpsalls and of their extreme poverty and drug befuddled minds riddled with disease and foul thoughts and deeds.
And it also was revealed that I was spawned in the cess pits of Moss Side from thence to the greenery of Wythenshawe and Lo!
fortune was mine thereafter…I learneth of the game of football.
I was inspired to travail the land and endeth up in Cheshire which thou whilst know is affluent and the tribes do eat of milk and honey [and chicken tikka massala]
Tis this goodly place I have set down my goods and chattels.
Hows that mate?
::Starts work on her chocolate-coated sprouts recipe::
In my defense, I do eat them, I just don’t enjoy them.
Too late, spogga and indecisive1 … I was well and truly stoned Friday night 
Spooga you rock. Ever thought of writing rant editorials for newspapers or something?
Hi God, yes it’s me again ready to give you another ass whupping.
Now then where was I ? Oh yes
Commandment 6
Well I’ve already dealt with that as No1 so we’ll move straight onto…
C7
Honour thy father and thy mother.
Now in all honesty this aint so bad at all,you had a think about this one you cunning sod didn’t you?
However what you failed to take into account was the fact that you generalized…right, dead fucking right!!
How can little Johnny or Jane honour either of their parents if
a) They have no sodding idea who they are [adoption]
b) Good ol’ dad or mom comes home each night drunk as a skunk and proceeds to kick the shit outta the kids just for the hell of it.
c) Good ol’dad or mom uses whatever money they have for booze or drugs and lets the kids go hungry.
Little more thinking required JC/God whatever
C8
Thou shalt not commit adultery
Are you outta your mind you dipstick.
Here’s the scenario: Man/woman get drunk,alcohol lowers inhibitions, man/woman screw.
You gave us free will, we invented booze and you come up with a command like this, get real…jeez!
C9
Thou shalt not steal
That is a doozer.
People on the street, homeless, hungry and you say don’t steal!!
Gimme a break.
Mind you taking into account your penchant for death in any form maybe that’s the whole idea, don’t steal just starve to death.
Well I’m off to the pub now so while I’m out keep an eye on my stuff will you, you must be dead beat figuring out fresh ways of killing people, siddown put you feet up and keep outta my fucking fridge.
catch you later big boy.
** Teelo, it’s spogga not spooga, makes me sound like a walrus farting**
Anyway apart from that what makes you think I don’t [or something]
- shuffles off clutching carpet slippers and cackling wildly *