Oh! I thought it said “Phone thy father and thy mother”! Fuck 'em then – then can whistle. To compensate I confer on them an OBE* or two.
*Eek! Did I say that?!
Luckily, they are are not members.
(You’re not, are you, mum?)
'ang on a minute there Spogga – those is my slippers; stolen from me 'ouse in Moston (twinned with the third circle of hell (Moston, not, me slippers)) in 1981!
Morning God on this Sunday morning, nice to see you kept outta my fridge unless of course you guzzled my beer and then did the miracle stunt.
Right now before I get onto the remaining commandments of yours lemme ask you something.
Cast your mind back 2000 years or so, when these early Christians decided to adopt your religion how did you repay them?
You had them rounded up and tossed to the fucking lions that’s how.
Now don’t get me wrong, I like cats [all kinds, big and little] but don’t you think you were a tad extreme. I mean all these guys turning up at the pearlies dripping blood all over the carpet, missing arms,legs,faces and other essential bits, holy shit your cleaning bill must have been enormous.
Right onto the commandments and I’ve messed up on the numbers but hey I’m only human right!
C9
Thou shalt not bear False Witness
WTF does this mean?
Let’s assume it means lying right…you lied!!
“I am The Lord Thy God” Oh fucking no you aint pal.
Not by a long shot.
“The Lord thy God is a Merciful God”
Don’t make me laugh, merciful my arse. How the hell [pardon] can you honestly say you are merciful when in your name 1000s of millions of human beings have died since you came on the scene.
Children die at birth,bad bastards live to ripe old ages,good people die young…c’mon explain the mercy in that.
C10
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours Ox nor his Ass [and by ass I don’t mean arse]
It may have escaped your attention but not a lot of people own oxen or asses these days, we have other methods of getting from a to b and harvesting fields.
On the other hand if you meant don’t covet anything your neighbour has then that is BS and I’ll tell you why.
My neighbour has a brand new car, I have a 4 year old wreck and I want what he has…perfectly normal human desire I call it.
He also has a 21 year old daughter who is one fine looking women…think about it!!!
C11 ( I know, I know)
I reckon you forgot this one.
“Thou shalt ignore commandments 1-10 for verily they are a load of horse shit and I suggest you just go about your lives without any interference from me”
C12
Thou shalt pay attention to the various messages posted on this board and not ignore them as you are doing.
Before I go here’s a real good one for ya:
You allowed your son to be nailed to a couple of planks of wood, have a crown of thorns jammed on his head and a spear rammed into his side.
Honour thy father??
I’m outta here for now but if I think of anything else I’ll be along quicker than a ferret up a virgins leg.
Here endeth the lesson [for the time being]
No need for all the electirc acoutrements. This thread is as satisfying as a Sunday cigar. Feels reeeallll good.
I always suspected there were 15 commandments–ever since I saw Mel Brooks–oops, I mean Moses–drop that third tablet.
I knew it, I just bloody knew it. There is always someone who thinks they are smarter than Moses or Mel Brooks or even me.
For your information ** lauramarlane ** that 3rd tablet was a sodding great aspirin and it was dropped on purpose in order to share it out by breaking it.
I mean how the fuck would you get something that size down your gob.
Sheesh, God give me strength.
Hey, those first 10 were a bit hard to swallow! And I’d never presume to think I’m smarter than Mel Brooks, so there.
I agree with Joan of Argghh!
but spogga, If you don’t believe in her, who[m] are you addressing?
Thank you for
Don’t forget all the pain when you first grow a tooth - then get some new ones when you’re six, or so - THEN get some bloody awful pain when you’re ready for your fake dentures.
I mean: Why?
Why not some piece of bone, with no nerves attached? If everyone would have bone in their mouths -or plastic, for all I care - you’d be fine.
Do you think it’s a plot concieved by dentists and Prodent?
Guess the aspirin was for the toothache?
Some animals regrow lost teeth. Mammals don’t. We humans get 2 sets and then that’s it? If this is a god’s image, it must be a pretty pathetic looking god.
I have to go now before my exposed nerves start hurting again.
After this roasting, I don’t think He’ll give you a damn thing, except perhaps a surprise case of projectile diaorreah next time you’re on a date.
I can hardly wait to read the reply to the OP.
He doesn’t post in the Pit often, but then…WOO!
Gentlemen/Ladies, It would appear that my pitting of the great one was in vain.
Why?
Right, JC gets nailed up and before you know it he is swanning about large as life with just a couple of holes in his hands and feet…Behold He is Risen #Hallelusoddingja#
I opened this thread a few days ago and what has the big feller said? not a word.
Now to my way of thinking if JC can rise from the dead then surely it really aint to much bother to have a touch of courtesy and reply to my post/s and for that matter anyone elses.
Instead he is shtum.
Ergo…he doesn’t exist, ignore the commandments, go forth
and without fear of being consigned to the fiery pits of hell do what the hell you want, but leave my stuff alone.
I rest my case.
So is she, ironically enough.
You call this a Universe??!
We’re given this boundless imagination, and yearning to explore other worlds. And you know what? Just about every other world we know about is too damned far away or too damned not worth going to. It seems like we’ve already abandoned real space exploration because it’s too expensive and dangerous in the end.
yearing to explore:interstellar distances::sex drive:being told not to do it.
SPECTRE My good man. This is a universe but unfortunately we are confined to a small lump of mud within it.
Guess we are stuck with Sci Fi until the Vulcan get here and show us the way.
Live long and Oh whatever, I don’t really care, I’ve lost all hope.
Oh, I don’t know, “GOD” is said to move in mysterious ways.
What. The. Fucking. Fuck is that all about?!?!? 
I dunno, I said it was mysterious…
Well I generally agree with the OP but you know what I like - Norway. I mean all those Fjords and glaciers and so on. Oh wait, that was Slartibartfast