In which I rant about my daughter's crazy mother.

The BBQ Pit
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Background: My daughter is nearly 7, they’ve been living in California for about 3 years now. I was out there at her invitation over Xmas. It went extraordinarily well, until suddenly it didn’t. I stayed an extra week, because she went back into the hospital right after Christmas. I’m moving out to Cali in March sometime. I’ve finally met her parents, and they love me, or did, I’m not sure. Over Xmas, it was praise up to skies for hanging in there, being a stand up guy, etc. I was out in November, Holly had been in the hospital quite some time, very serious. Her folks were at her house, and I went up to spell them after it had been several weeks, and they had business back home to take care of.

She melted after about a week in the hospital. Something to do about us not showing up at the hospital exactly when she expected. After lunch means after our lunch, not yours. I used the morning hassling over a prescription, the extra week meant running out of my anti-seizure meds . We were also releasing a frog I caught on the porch, that Holly decided Emma couldn’t keep.

She just goes off, ripping me a new one. She’d been complaining about not knowing the time. I gave her my watch. She knows this is the watch I got in trade from our unused wedding set, years ago. Merely seeing this watch was a ‘slap in her face’. Sorry, It’s my only watch. Then she doesn’t like the look on my face, while she’s doing this. If you’re deliberately hurting my feelings when I can essentially do nothing about it, It just may show on my face.

The last time I see her, she’s screaming abuse in the hospital, calling me a ‘Devil Worshipper’ and telling me I suck. In front of our daughter.

So, It ends with Emma and I spending New Year’s eve in a hotel room, waiting for her parents to come back, so I can get back to Phoenix.

At one point in the tirade, she says “If I’m such a bitch, just take Emma back to Phoenix with you!” This is now, in her mind, the time I tried to kidnap my daughter. She really lives in her own reality. She has, and is, a Cancer.

Now that we’re speaking, Holly is being extra obstreperous again. I called to tell her that she’d be getting extra money this month, the last check from the state, and I sent $300 hundred through the court for February. (Thirty bucks over her entitled amount.) Never expect gratitude. She calls me a deadbeat (essentially) because she’s afraid that will be the last check from me. I tell her I’ll hit Atascedero with about 4K and my teaching credentials. She says I don’t know that, that I’ll fail the test. I switch gears and say I hope February 9th is good for a visit. She explodes, 2 weeks notice is bullshit, I can have Emma for an hour, because she doesn’t “Trust Me”. (That whole episode was because she was having me dissemble to her parents, regarding a friend they don’t like. Holly’s seeing her, but lies to her parents about it. I hate lies, and after having to tap dance around the truth for a while, I ask her mom what the deal is with the Shirley situation, and blow her cover.) That was late in the Xmas visit, when things were falling apart. I couldn’t do any good, so I tried some creative wrong. She didn’t care to have that lance boiled, and accuses me of “tattling, and being a little boy”. She pulls the ‘be a man’ card quite a bit. Like she’d know.

The coward has Emma call back, amending the Sunday schedule to 9-4. I’m thinking about a letter to court, detailing her violations of the parenting order. Maybe a letter to her, reminding her that she doesn’t decide if I get my parenting time or not. Even If I don’t pay a dime in child support, It DOES NOT affect my parental rights. I’d never do that though, I’ve yet to miss a payment.

God, what a piece of work. Thanks for letting me vent.

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Wait, how many parents are there total? :confused:

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Just the one, it seems.

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Fewer pronouns, more names. Please.

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Could it be the cancer medication causing personality changes, like aggression, increased irratibility, and illogical outbursts? My husband’s relative said her chemo medicine could do all those things. There were times we didn’t know her, it wasn’t the “true” her at all. It might be that, and you might just have to soldier through and be there to help support your daughter.

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My post above wasn’t meant to be in a recriminatory tone. I think the OP always meant to support his daughter, and never for a moment thought of giving up. It was meant to more be a “your row to hoe is tougher than you at first thought, but you can make it” than criticism. Sorry if I offended.

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How’d she come up with the Devil-worshipping part?

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Oh, good one! :slight_smile:

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Apologies for the ambiguity. Holly is Emma’s mother. Holly’s parents support her. I’ve gotten close to Holly’s parents, unnamed cuz, well cuz. Holly and Emma live in Atascedero, and I’m moving there soon.

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Well yes, that’s the plan (No offense taken, I may have mentioned I sued her for paternity.) I’m secure on that score.

QtM mentioned in another thread how you can’t take personally anything a sick person might say to you. Goddess give me strength, I try. At the same time I know that if weren’t that, It’d be something else. She’s a professional victim.

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I’m pagan, she’s recently joined a christian church she likes. I enjoyed the Xmas eve service.

Now as this is the Pit, can I get away with my fantasy of going all Hannibal Lector on her ass?
"It must be horrible to be so helpless, Holly. You don’t drive, you’ve given up your internet school. You are at the mercy of the goodwill of others. Terrifying, isn’t it. The only way you can impose your will is to wiely your emotions like a club and batter people with it.

It’s not going to work anymore. I’m past caring, Holly. I would really prefer if I never saw your pathetic face again. "

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Just missed the edit window.

Wield. wield your emotions like a club, batter people with them.

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Don’t give her that ammo. Your daughter is not only a part of you, but a part of her as well. Treating her mother in that way will sting her too. Restrain yourself, vent here to keep from taking your frustrations out IRL. You don’t have to put up with shit, there are limits. But, you also have to balance between realizing it could be the sickness/chemo aggravating her already charming personality quirks. You might see if you can get some counseling in order to find a way to balance between not being her punching bag, but being understanding enough to not let your daugher get caught in the crossfire. She’s got enough to deal with, her mother’s sick, her parents are split up. Work to find a way so that you can maintain your dignity while helping your child via helping her mother. Good luck. comfort :frowning:

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Further, if you do tell your daughter’s mother off, you will give her (the mother of your child) the ammo she needs to trash your reputation with your daughter. The reason it stings a child when one parent speaks badly of the other is, they know they came from both of you, so they feel if one of their parents is bad, then somehow they must also be bad, since they came from them. Of course she will grow to be her own person, but right now her identity is tied up in who her family is. Work to balance between not being the scapegoat, and not letting drama boil over into your daughter’s sphere.

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Thanks, ZC. It’s why I don’t, really. I remain reasonble and sane for as long as possible, then she’ll get me angry enough to snap something back, and I’ll hang up in the middle of her return tirade. This is the first time she’s bad mouthed me to my face with Emma present. The strongest she’s gotten from me is ‘Mommy and Daddy aren’t getting along very well, right now.’

I’ve really given her every break I could. By the order, I’m entitled to take the tax deduction every other year. I never have, her parents do. By the rules, I can deduct my travel expenses from child support, I’ve never done that. When she’s sane, she realizes and appreciates that. She’s talked to some single moms with deadbeat dad for a sperm donor.

Counseling? I’ve had it, my best friend’s mom is a Phd specializing in abused women. (Holly’s first husband was a bit of monster.) Holly wouldn’t go near her.