Baby Drama Update

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Maybe some of you remember The Sonoran Lizard King’s story about his daughter and her mom. The accuastions of blood drinking, the fights, the drama.

I’ve brought an update, for those who followed, and sympathised.
I’ve lost legal custody of Emma Grace, and moved back to Arizona. A man who acts as his own attorney has a fool for a client. A bad move on my part gave the state of California a chance to close the case and be shut of us, and they have. The emergency order became the final order, and that’s that, until I have money for an attorney to reopen it, again. I can only have visitation with three days notice, and a professional supervisor at $45/hr.

I’m currently living in an RV, in Cordes Lakes, Arizona. Unemployment Insurance is keeping me alive while I look for work out here.

But. I talked to Emma today, she agrees that Daddy’s not the bad guy. (I made her go into her room, to talk to just me.) We talked about how she knows Mommy and Daddy don’t get along. I explained that it’s because (just between us, secret)Mommy has never wanted to share her with Daddy. That Mommys and Daddys should be fifty/fifty even stevens, and Mommy’s taken way more than her half. She didn’t argue or automatically leap to her Mom’s defense, as she has in the past. (She’s an authentic Ares baby, little goddess of war.) I told her to call anytime, about anything, but only when she wants to. I told her I got the feeling that sometimes she didn’t really want to talk to me, and that wasn’t fair. Calling Daddy should be like a trip to the dentist. She wanted to know why I hung up on her. I told her she was hurting my feelings, and I wouldn’t let her continue to do it. I told her that it was a great big grown up secret, but that No one can hurt your feelings unless you let them. It’s mostly better to walk away from a fight, than fight just to win. And that’s why Daddy can’t visit you right now, and doesn’t know when he can.

I’ll just have to love you from out here, Emma Grace.

-Khampelf, formerly SLK, Emma’s Dad.

2

I’m so sorry.

3

I’m sorry that this turned out this way for you…

However, please don’t be offended by this, but— try not to put your daughter in the middle. Asking her to keep secrets (like about her mother’s not wanting to share her) is going to eat away at her. I know that you’re hurting, but this isn’t the way to a healthy connection with your daughter. Ultimately, if you do want to fight this, you’ll need your communications with her to be free from anything that might do your case more harm, and “Daddy told me to keep secrets” is not going to help you.

I wish you luck.

4

I can only imagine what pain you must be in to be separated from your daughter, and I know that bad break-ups with the other parent being - well, unreasonable is probably an understatement - are frustrating.

That being said, while I was reading your OP this felt really wrong to me. You say that your daughter didn’t jump to her mother’s defence… what the hell? A parent should never put their child in a position that they would feel the need to protect the other parent. She shouldn’t be put in a positon where she is made to either agree or disagree that her dad is “not the bad guy”.

The business about her calling when she wants to also sounded contradictory. It should be like the “dentist”? Does that mean she should have to do it whether she likes it or not? Because you just said in the previous sentence that it should be her choice. It’s not “fair” that sometimes she doesn’t want to talk to you? Or it’s not fair that she should have to when she doesn’t want to? I get why you also should not have to take any sort of verbal abuse, but hanging up on your daughter when you have so little contact with her already sounds strange. Did you try to explain to her that her words were upsetting and that she could call you when she could speak to you without hurting your feelings, or did you simply hang up? From your OP it sounds like the latter.

I really had a hard time computing the words on the page, so I did a bit of a search, as you mentioned that this was an ongoing drama that you had referenced on the Dope before. It seems that both you and your ex are using this little girl as a pawn in a very disturbing game.

I grew up in a situation like this, with parents who used my sisters and I to get even with each other for various supposed transgressions. If you continue I see a lot of therapy in this girl’s future. Don’t kid yourself, you are participating as much as your ex. You’re going to fuck this kid up.

5

How old is your daughter? Because you are putting WAY too much on her if she’s younger than, say, 14.

Stop saying shit about her mother.

Stop making her responsible for your emotional well being. (Do you REALLY not see what a contradictory message “only call me if you want, but it hurts my feelings when you don’t want to talk to me” is?)

Stop expecting HER to be fair. She’s a kid.

Be a grownup. It’s nice that you love your kid. Now act like a FATHER.

6

IIRC, she’s 7. I’d even raise the age you stated from 14 to at least 16 or 17, but…

I’m glad to see I’m not the only one that worried about this.

7

Not at all.

The most loving thing you can do for your daughter is leave her totally out of your relationship with her mother. “If you can’t say anything pleasant, don’t say anything at all” is truth, not platitude, in this situation. Leave her out of it! It isn’t her problem, unless you make it her problem, and it sounds like you’re trying your damnedest to.

8

(My bolding)

You did WHAT??

This is stuff that kids should never be privvy to. None of their business, nor yours to be dumping it on your kid.

Read this again and tell me if it sound OK to you. :dubious:

I just can’t insert enough rolleyes here to do this justice. It sounds like calling Daddy is INDEED like a trip to the dentist, poor little schmuck.

Dude, go get some professional separation/divorce counselling please.

9

As a teacher, I see kids who are struggling at school because the parents are divorced.
I see kids who are doing really badly because the divorced parents are involving the child in their disputes.

Please put your child first.
They are already confused, emotional and nervous that somehow it’s their fault. Once you get them to take sides, you are messing with their lives.

10

I hate to jump on the pile-on, but I have to agree with everyone else. You can’t put the kid in the middle of your dipsute with her mother, and asking her to “keep secrets” is likely to get all visitation revoked (“My daddy told me ther are things I"m not supposed to tell anyone else” sounds like trying to hide abuse). And if she doesn’t want to talk to you, it’s likely because you make her not want to spend time listening to how bad her mom is.

You’ve made some questionable decisions lately, as I recall. Leaving everything to move in with your new love in June, (you’d just met, I believe). A month later it was over, I think. Now you’re in AZ, unemployed and living in a travel trailer. Do you think that’s how your daughter should be living? Maybe if you get your life in order, then you can be the parent your daughter needs.

StG

11

Y’know. This is why I almost didn’t post anything, and now wish I didn’t.

You are way too quick to jump to judgement on this, people. You really don’t know the fucking half of it.

I’m being painted the boogeyman, by her mother, as a powerplay, but to explain my side, gently, to my daughter is wicked manipulation? Please.

I asked to speak to her alone, because when her mother hovers over her, any question makes her panic to give an answer her mother doesn’t want to hear.

I withdrew completely, and I am not having visitation at all, nor did I, because the Mom was screaming abuse at the sight of me, in front of our daughter. I withdrew and have had near to no contact these past months to spare her this. Don’t accuse me of putting her in the middle. At the same time, I should be heard, even if it’s only five minutes worth. She has had hourlong lectures on what an evil son of a bitch I am. Am I to take that in silence, and never let my daughter know that I’m not a satanic blood drinker? Again, please.
I can’t make her mom not be crazy, and she is. I hung up on my daughter when she called to yell at me for leaving a message “Stop calling when I’m not home!! You never call at the right time.” This was an echo of one of her Mom’s tirades, and I felt no reason to continue it.

“I’ll talk to you later when you feel more reasonable, I love you, goodbye” was the ‘hanging up on her’.
So, be glad your lives are so perfect that you can sit in judgement of poor shits like me, doing their best in an impossible situation.
Ranks a rot.

12

We can only go by what you post. Your OP raised all sorts of flags.

13

If it helps any of you sleep better, the terms of the visitation mean I don’t get any. Period.

The words I spoke may be the last words she hears from me on the subject until she is eighteen.

She was browbeaten into making wild accusations by her mom.

I’m really not the badguy here. I’d rather be happy in an RV, than miserable in a mansion.
I’ve been steamrollered with money and insanity, and I’m choosing to withdraw to spare her.

Get that? I’m not being allowed to be what I should, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Put the child first? I fucking well have. You get the peaks of the drama, but haven’t experienced the low level hatred I have endured for hanging in there and not being a deadbeat dad in the face of a constant message of ‘I hate you, go away!!’

So, thanks again.

I guess ‘Straight Dope’ is between shit and syphillis, just like sympathy.

sorry to have disturbed you.

14

You’ve been here for about 8 years, it seems, so I’d hate to see you huff off or leave or take things overly personal. I would suggest you maybe take a breather and come back when you’re not so emotional anymore…because I’d hate to see a flame out over this.

15

Yes, I must spare all these Dopers the pain of hearing me stick up for myself.

For me posting that was a kind of closure. I tried to do the right thing, and got wiped out, emotionally, financially, legally. I shared because there’s the odd doper, you, freakalette, some others who saw what the naziparentdopers crowd don’t seem to, and might be curious as to how it ended.

For every episode I’ve related, there are dozens of others where I meekly took abuse, to keep the precious peace, and not ruin every visit. It’s a shit situation, and I’ve done what I thought was best for Emma. The Mom was trying to be nasty enough to make me give up and go away. When that didn’t work, she poisoned our daughter’s mind against me. When that didn’t work, she screamed for Daddy’s money and lawyers. That worked.

Maybe I didn’t make all the best choices. Who does? My mistakes were well intentioned, FWIW.

Sorry, I meant “Pass the blood, when do the virgins for the sacrafice get delivered?”

Signed,
the boogeyman.

16

Did you change your name? You seem familiar… :dubious:

All I’m saying is, I wouldn’t take it too personally. I mean these are people who don’t even know you. Why let what they think get to you?

17

Oh, and I typo’d earlier. Calls shouldn’t be like a visit to the dentist.
She was being made to call, and the set up was like “You have to call your Daddy now, I don’t want you to, but you have to, so let’s get it over with” Then stare daggers at her while she dials and blurts out 'I had a great day, daddy, bye" in one short breath and hang up.

Those sorts of calls I don’t need. I consider them more mental abuse from the Mom.

I wish she were the one posting here, 'stead of me.

18

Not half as bad as the tirade and beat down she’d get if she let on she didn’t hate her father. Asking her to keep quiet was for her protection, not mine.

She’s very bright for seven, and I thought she deserved some notion of why things are the way they are, and that it’s not her fault.

So, sorry if truth doesn’t have the APA seal of approval. It’s nothing she didn’t know, but I thought she should hear.

Anyone experiencing pathological hatred from a co-parent is invited to chime in with advice.

19

If she’s as bright as you say, she’ll figure it out on her own.

In the meantime, stop hounding her for affection she doesn’t feel like giving. If she were anyone in the world OTHER than your kid, I think you’d see what’s wrong with that.

Unconditional love is a PARENT’S job, not a child’s.

And if I understand your post correctly (please let me know if I don’t), you’re walking away now NOT because you’re not allowed to see her, but because these calls and visits aren’t meeting with your satisfaction?

I’m sorry for your situation, but the responses here are not from naziparents, they’re from parents. Parents usually realize that whatever their emotional issues are, it’s not their kids’ job to fix them.

20

Why was it the mother doesn’t want you around? Anything to do w/ anger issues?
.
.
.

Look, as a parent I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling in this situation. But please don’t get angry w/ us because we don’t know all of the facts of a situation. We can only know what you tell us and your OP raised a LOT of flags when I read it as well.

My son lives far away from me and I see him once a month. He’s seven and has ZERO interest in talking on the phone. He’s too into whatever video game he’s playing or what’s on Cartoon Network to want to chat on the phone. I usually get a “Hi. I’m fine. Bye.” and have to drag out any further conversation. Just how kids are.