A letter to the mother of my ex-wife, sent yesterday. It’s pretty self explanatory, I’ve done a little search-and-replace on the names but otherwise it’s more or less intact.
Originally, I was going to use this letter as a threat. I was going to threaten to send it to my Ex’s mother in hopes she’d straighten up rather than being shamed. After writing the whole tale, I realized all the second chances I have given her already and I just sent it right on to the ex-MiL.
In retrospect, I probably should’ve kept the morality of her cohabiting out of it but, eh, what the hell. It pisses me off and I’ve had a low-tolerance for bullshit this week.
Cast of Characters:
MiL = My Ex Mother in Law
Suzy = My Ex Wife
John = My Ex’s first cohabitant boyfriend
Jim = My Ex’s second cohabitant boyfriend
Peter = My older son
Martha = My daughter
A touch of history. I’m paying a loan back to my ex-MiL. The money, according to my ex- when the check was received, was to be a gift of $6000 to purchase a car when ours decided to die unexpectedly.
Apparently the “gift” wasn’t, my ex- was just expressing wishful thinking, and the MiL expected repayment. I now pay this back monthly as part of the divorce agreement’s debt split.
I have heaved the excrement into the whirling turbine and, so far, nothing has hit the wall. I’m cringing in my expectations…
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Dear MiL,
First off, I apologize for the length of this note, the tale, as they say, grew in the telling.
I know you haven’t heard from me in a while - I’m not really sure what contact is appropriate. I don’t know to what degree you blame me in the divorce, I can be sure that you’ve only heard one side of the situation. I do know that lies were told about me to friends: accusations of infidelity, abuse, and alcoholism. Thankfully my friends were aware enough of the marital situation and of my character to not believe these accusations. I can only assume that similar lies were told to you, <FiL>, and <Fil’s Wife> as well.
You only have my words to convince you that I never abused Suzy or the kids, there has been no alcoholism, and I was never unfaithful to her. You have the evidence of Suzy’s behavior both before and since the separation as an example of her commitment to the marriage. It’s probably safe to say she hasn’t been pining for the loss if it. I grieve the lost potential, the lost time, and have a lot of anger, still, for her infidelity before the separation and for her actions since. Heck, I even miss you, <Fil> and <FiL’s wife> - you always treated me like a member of the family.
Suzy’s live-in boyfriends have been a special concern for me. The first, as you may recall, moved in with her and the kids three weeks after meeting her. He’s the one who stole from my children, says Suzy. She says John stole Peter’s Nintendo DS and perhaps Martha’s gameboy. The current boyfriend [Jim] seems alright, if maybe a little dull, based on no more than the sum total of maybe 10 minutes I’ve spent with him.
I’m concerned for the moral lesson that’s being taught my children with these live-in boyfriends. The life-lesson she’s teaching about the proper relationships between married and unmarried people has been a special thorn in my side.
Suzy wants to believe that my girlfriend and I live apart because my apartment was too small for two people. Not so, of course. The truth is I want to teach my children what I believe to be the greater moral lesson. I hope that in the future the kids remember the two examples and choose the better one. I hate to think of a 16-year old Martha running off to live with her boyfriend of three weeks because of the lessons she’s learned now.
But I’m digressing.
I’m writing to you because I need your help - and by helping me, you’d be helping your daughter.
Like all divorced couples, Suzy and I divided assets & debts in the separation and divorce agreement. Among these debts were the Toyota payment and various credit cards. When the debt split was complete, I had twice the debt balance and debt payments assigned to me. I took the larger portion of debt in return for her leaving my 401K balance alone. It wasn’t liquid anyway, it was small (having been tapped multiple times to pay older debts), and it would’ve been difficult to split. None of these motivations were a secret to her, I disclosed all in emails to her and she agreed.
Two of the four credit cards were in only one name, one for each of us, and two were held jointly. These joint cards we split between us (the cards in our individual names, of course, stayed with the individual). I gave Suzy, in the agreement, the joint card with the lower balance and lower interest rate. In part, I did this to help her out but also this was the one card of the two that has a process to remove one name. This was the <Credit Union> card.
Some history on this card. Several years ago, Suzy decided she wanted to sell Mary Kay cosmetics. Mary Kay had a business model where their salespeople first buy the cosmetics from them, then resell them to their customers at a 100% markup. Suzy first tried to get a credit card on her own for the purchase of this initial sales kit but was refused. She asked me to cosign the card with her and I foolishly agreed. She was awarded a card with a $5000 limit.
Suzy was to sell the cosmetics and use the proceeds to pay down the balance on that card, and then use the card to repurchase new kit supplies. Any unsold cosmetics could be returned to the factory for credit and, again, the balance could be paid from that money.
Suzy sold very few cosmetics, pocketed the proceeds, then abandoned the business altogether. She never returned the cosmetics for credit (I discarded 100’s of dollars worth after she left) and then she continued to use the card for her own personal use. I trusted her to pay the bill and keep the card under control. By the time I became aware of the situation, the card balance was $1800 over limit and accumulating more than $70 a month in late fees and over-limit fees on top of the monthly interest.
I took control of the card. By the time we separated and I turned the card over to her control, I had paid the card to a balance of ~$2600 dollars. I sent her numerous emails (I have copies still) about the payment schedule, payment status, addresses, etc. of this and her other debts. These debts are also clearly spelled out in both the separation and divorce papers.
Well, for the next many months, she ignored the card. I called every now and then or would send an email or instant-message to remind her. I was not interested in monitoring her business, I was interested in protecting my credit rating. With my name as cosigner, those missed payments negatively affected my credit rating.
Whenever we spoke about this card, she’d assure me she had sent payments that weren’t correctly credited, of conversations with the credit card representatives, of arrangements made and so forth. Any time I’d call the CC company to verify, they had no record of any payments nor any conversations.
Finally, when the account was near 150 days past due and another missed payment would’ve risked lawsuit (they start action at 180 days) I made a partial payment that bought another 30 days grace. I then gave Suzy an ultimatum, I was taking a trip and if the account didn’t have arrangements made by the time I returned, I’d take her back to court. Not paying the debt was a violation of the divorce decree. Violating the decree was contempt of court. I would go and have her cited if she didn’t meet her responsibilities. This, according to my lawyer, was my only option.
This, apparently, was sufficient threat to her. When I returned she assured me that payment arrangements had been made and scheduled. I called the CC company and, for the first time, they confirmed her story. She met those arrangements and the card became briefly current. I say briefly because she got behind again almost immediately and caught up again in January.
Since January, though, there’s been no more payments. She told me she sent one but the CC company has none on record and, frankly, I’ve heard this lie before. She told me she sent $300 from her tax return money. At first, this claim surprised me because earlier she told me she didn’t get a return, she told me had to pay additional tax this year. Now she tells me she had a $400 refund.
I was surprised when earlier she claimed she had to pay 2007 taxes. Her income, plus the child-care tax credit, plus the EIC she said she qualified for, almost assured a return. I believe she told me she had no tax return because she also owes me $425 for past joint debt (that’s half of it. I will pay the other half) and she didn’t want to admit to having the windfall.
Her cries of poverty are hard to hear over the sound from the new, Hi-definition LCD widescreen television in the living room. She said she and Jim bought the TV together from money earned because both of them worked so much overtime. My children visit me with torn clothing, with clothing so small that Peter can’t pull the jeans up or Martha’s belly sticks out, and she’s buying wide screen TV’s. I know where the $1800 a month I pay in child support goes, I think, and it’s not supporting my children’s needs.
Well - back to the card, since this has now become a novel.
The card is again two payments behind. The Feb 3 and Mar 3 payments have not been received as of today.
I spoke with Suzy today concerning this credit card and I asked her to consider getting another credit card or a loan and paying off the joint debt (this is what I did for the joint card in my control.) She said she couldn’t. I suggested that Jim could cosign for her and she said she wouldn’t ask that. She also won’t let me pay the card on her behalf, subtracting the payments from her bi-weekly check, as I do with the Toyota payment. I don’t know why she won’t allow this, it’s a net zero change but she refuses. Therefore, I’m contacting you.
Earlier, I mentioned that this card was unique in that it had a process to remove my name from it. You may wonder why I haven’t simply done this. I’ve been assured by the CC company’s representatives that I have a near zero chance of approval because of her payment history. As long as I’m available as a potential payee, with Suzy being such a poor payee, then removing my name is nearly impossible.
Therefore, I have several proposals for you. I want to you consider that if you agree, you’re helping your daughter. Yes, I benefit, and if I didn’t I wouldn’t have written but in the end, your daughter wins, too.
Proposal 1
Consider cosigning a bill-consolidation loan with Suzy and have her pay-off his debt entirely - perhaps a consolidation loan that can include her Toyota automobile balance. She’d get a better interest rate and pay off both faster.
Proposal 2
Consider paying this credit card on Suzy’s behalf. If you resent the CC company the $150 I send you monthly, it’d be paid off in ~21 months.
Proposal 3
Allow me to send payments to the CC company in lieu of paying you for the auto debt. By paying Suzy’s debt for her, you’d be counting that as money paid to you for the other debt. Any remaining difference between dollars I paid the CC company and money still owed you, I commit to sending you. The total will be $3900 split between the CC company and you.
Proposal 4
A balance of $2524 at 21% is payments totaling ~$3400 over the life of the payoff at the CC’s current payment rate. That’s pretty close to the $3900 owed you. One option is to swap debt. I payoff the card, Suzy pays you the auto debt at whatever rate you two decide between you. You still get your money from Suzy, the card company gets theirs from me.
I’m not proud of bringing this to you but I’m trying to protect myself and reconstruct some semblance of a normal life financially separate from her. While she and I must interact for the sake of the children, I am trying my best to separate myself from the financial ruin she’s left me in. Since she’s refused what I think are reasonable actions to settle this problem, she’s leaving me few options but returning to court or petitioning her family for help. I’m bringing it to you in the hope that you might consider helping Suzy, and, by extension, helping me.