I figured as much.
Wow. You’re much nicer than I would be, that’s for sure. I will say I am a bit confused as to why the ex-MIL would be inclined to take over her daughter’s debt, though. If you think she will, good. Honestly, I am with Ivylass on this one – take the slag back to court. Document the childrens’ clothing – how the hell can you be ok with that?
I am not telling you to do this, but it is legal in many states and is what I would do in your shoes – take the kids to the store & buy them clothing that fits and subtract the monies spent from the child support payments. Keep the receipts for documentation (as well as pictures of what they showed up wearing!) Honestly, I watched my shitty ex-SIL do this kind of crap to my brother when they got divorced. She was getting a metric assload of child support from him (4 kids), living rent-free in a house her parents bought her & shacking up with loser after loser. The only time those kids ever had decent clothing was when I bought it for them, which I did often despite the fact that I was a single mother working 2 jobs just to support my own. My brother never took action and (IMO) as a direct result of the life lessons being taught in that house, my neice had her first kid at age 12. She’s 20 now and pregnant with #6 IIRC. Did I mention she lives on welfare and has major health problems due to her constant pregnancies? Yeh. Stop the shit now, while you might have a shot.
But that wouldn’t keep him in the right place to stomp around self-righteously, poking everyone with those giant nails sticking out of his hands, now would it?
It might actually solve the problem, which isn’t really what he’s looking for, eh?
Um, yes you did. And you apparently missed the part where I don’t give a good goddam if she was unfaithful to you or not, or why she wanted out of the marriage. And you think her MOTHER is going to want to hear that about her? At least in this last post you aren’t bothering to try to hide your bitterness and resentment (“she was unfaithful to me; she wanted out of the marriage to fuck around”) the way you tried – unsuccessfully – to do in the letter. And that’s how the letter reads: You’re bitter and resentful and you’re sanctimoniously sitting in judgment of your ex’s morality. Again, why on earth you’d want to do that to her ]mother escapes me. If you’re just being a hurtful jerk because you’re mad at her, man up and own it.
Your motivations are all too clear in the letter: You’re pissed at your ex and you’re dumping on her to her mother because of it. What isn’t clear is why you would expect her mother to help you out after receiving such a letter. But maybe you don’t really expect her to help you out? Maybe the letter itself – the exercise in barfing your bile all over your ex’s mother – is the whole point.
Right, the daughter who “deserves little sympathy for her choices” and who is setting such a poor example for your children.
Here’s a newsflash, or perhaps an FYI for the future: If you want to take the tack of “you should do this to help Suzy” then that’s the tone the whole letter has to take: “Poor Suzy! She’s in over her head! This is so, so stressful for her, and unfortunately, regretfully, if she doesn’t pay this debt I’m going to have to take her back to court, which of course I would hate to have to do! How can we help her, hmmm?” Not “Your daughter is an immoral bitch who can’t meet her responsibilities and deserves none of your sympathy, so why don’t you ‘help her’ by paying this debt for her and getting me out of this hole?”
This, I have admitted is true. I’m royally pissed at the moment.
It’s actually for three kids and it’s based on the difference between our two salaries and the percentage of “parenting time” I have. I make a little less than 2.5 times her salary.
My lawyer tells me this is completely illegal by the rules of Colorado.
Damn, Litoris, that’s rough. Please tell me the babies were put up for adoption?
And what does your lawyer say about this situation?
[Channeling Judge Judy]Your ex-wife is an adult. It’s ridiculous that you think her mother should bail her out of her predicament. Did SHE agree to get a joint credit card with her daughter? No. YOU did.
Forget e-mailing her mother. Take. her. to. court. If you can’t do it via family court, then take her to small claims court. But get the court order needed to get your name off the credit card because she’s responsible for the debt via your divorce degree.
I’m assuming you’ve already CANCELED the card, so that she doesn’t keep charging $$ to the card. Right?
I gotta’ agree with the back-to-court thing. Having watched two brothers go through divorces, I understand the reluctance. There’s the cost, plus the idea of making mommy look bad in front of the kids. The kids will cope just fine. And the whole practice of family law exists for reasons other than enriching lawyers (b’lieve me, family law ain’t where the money is!)
Consider that maybe your ex is as wretchedly irresponsible as she is because of the way her mother raised her. Dragging her back into court over and over may get old, but it’s the only way you can protect yourself.
And I agree with **Gaudere ** – you’ll have tiger teeth buried in your butt before this is over.
Sadly, no. Not only that, the wretch of ex-SIL signed off on the neice being able to marry the (at the time of the first pregnancy 18 yo) boy as soon as she was of ‘legal’ age to do so – 14 in TN with parental permission. How’s that for white trash? Yeh. It makes me sick to my stomach.
That sucks. My ex’s dad used to do that to his mother all the time – any expenses he incurred while my ex was in his custody were deducted from child support payments – that’s the only reason I knew it is legal in some states. Anyway, I would definitely document the shit with pictures – every single time you see this kind of crap. Your kids deserve better than that. Especially if you make the kind of money that you would have to pay $1800/month for only 3 kids.
The MIL is probably well aware that her daughter is a financially irresponsible person and has probably borrowed plenty of money to her that she’s never going to get back.
(Besides the kids) you can wipe your hands clean of her and move on with your life. MIL will forever have to deal with the burden of her slack-ass daughter always being in financial straits, shaking up with the boyfriend du-jour, and worrying about what kind of life this provides for her grandchildren.
Instead of teaming up and sharing the burden with MIL the letter sounds like you’re dumping it in her lap, as in “Your daughter’s a fuck-up, here’s the proof, now you deal with it.”
Suzy sounds like a real handful and those involved in her life (including you) need to stick together and support eachother.
That doth sucketh muchly. You have my sympathies.
OK - I’m starting to have regrets and think maybe that the court is the right answer.
Do you think this is salvageable? Do you think a “never mind, I’ll just take your daughter to court” email is at all useful?
I’d give MIL the chance to respond. If she doesn’t, then assume that she’s telling you to take the ex to court. That’s how I would handle the sitch, since you’ve already thrown the ball out there.
Berlix, I’m just about the last person in the world you should listen to for this type of advice, but in the hope that it may save you some future pain, I will say it anyway, even if it is a hijack.
I’ve followed your saga for a couple of years, and I to ask you (kindly): “Have you not learned a damn thing?”
You’ve been divorced for less than a year, you still have not severed the emotional ties with the ex (as evidenced by the hatred in this letter), and you’re attempting to get financially entangled with your fiance.
Dude, you’re either hopelessly optimistic or magnificently masochistic.
All those arrangements you propose in your letter sound good, but in my opinion you need a court order. Otherwise someone (someone malicious) could claim in the future that you weren’t meeting your obligations per the divorce settlement and you wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. Get a court order, do everything in a punctiliously legal manner. You won’t be sorry.
I think the answer to this is, “yes”.
Don’t e-mail her. *Pick up the phone and call her. * Tell her you apologize, but you’ve had second thoughts, and you realize you shouldn’t have dumped all this on her.
Then call your lawyer and get the proceedings started. And for God’s sake, don’t buy a house with your fiance until you’ve got this mess straightened out/are married, whichever happens last. No reason to drag her into it too.
This all reminds me of when my uncle and his first wife divorced. He was being somewhat of an ass, and my aunt was complaining to my mother.
My mother responded by saying, “SIL, we have known each other for a long time, but if you want me to choose sides you need to understand that my side was chosen 40 years ago.”
Belrix, of course you should call your MIL and apologize. It sounds like you had a decent relationship with her before and the e-mail was a pot shot at an innocent person. I’m sure she was stunned when she read it. So be the good, decent person that you’ve been in the past and try to make it right with her.
You’ve been taken advantage of by your wife for years. And I’m actually relieved to see that you’ve finally moved on to the “anger” stage, which was so conspicuously absent in your other threads. It’s a step in the right direction because you needed to send clear signals to your ex-wife that you’re done being her doormat. Good for you. But communicate it through the appropriate legal channels and, for pete’s sake, direct it towards the appropriate person.
Belrix, you’re wallowing in the petty drama and ignoring your responsibility to your children. And please don’t respond w/ the amount you pay in child support, or anecdotal evidence of what a good father you are. This silly assed financial bickering is upseting everyone involved. Now I have little sympathy for you, or maybe even for your ex, but if you really want to rsolve this and get on w establishing a meaningful, trusting relationship w/ your kids, the there’s an obvious solution. Get a loan, (what is it 10-12 thousand), pay off the mutual debts and separate yourself financially from you ex, except for the child support. Stop criticising her lifestyle, it’s none of your business, stop involving other family members and get on w/ your life.
I doubt that I’ve read all your numerous post on your trials and tribulations, but I’ve never read a kind word about the woman who you had children by and spent 15 years with and that’s very telling to me. I’m absolutley convinced we’d hear a far different story if she had the opportunity to post her side of the events.
Be pragmatic, pay the outstanding debts, quit whining and move on to more positive things.