This is taking a lot out of me, and I’m scared to death to post this, but I have to. It’s about humility. Pride has kept me from saying anything about this for the longest time, but any shard of imagined pride I held onto is now gone.
I’m an alcoholic.
I’ve known this for many years. Back when I was in university, my drinking got out of control. I actually failed a few courses because I was too wrecked to show up.
Then I noticed this strange pain in my abdominal region. I went to the doctor, who told me I had an enlarged liver, and ordered blood tests. It turns out I had alcoholic hepatitis, pancreatitis, and an enlarged spleen. I was ordered to stop drinking.
But it was only a couple of months later that I did something about it. I dragged my sorry ass to an AA meeting, and it took. It worked. I found a fantastic sponsor (also gay), and stayed happily sober for about three years.
Something happened, I guess. I started drinking again, it got worse and worse, and now it’s beyond ridiculous. I’m screwing up at work because I’m too spaced out to concentrate. I never get a good night’s sleep. I’m spending all of my money on beer. I can’t go down a flight of stairs without my legs shaking and having to hold onto the railing.
I don’t want to live like this anymore. It’s not worth it. I have a disease which is progressive, terminal, and fatal. Yes, if I keep on, it will kill me. I’d probably lose my job first, which would make me drink more. What else do I want to lose? I make a good salary, but I never have the money to buy those nice things - like clothes, a new TV, whatever. No: my money seems to go directly to the coffers of my corner store.
Last night, something came over me, kind of like the first time. I picked up the phone and called my old sponsor. His boyfriend (also an AA member) answered and told me Lionel was in England (he’s from Liverpool). Anyway, Mark and I talked for a while, and I told him I’d get to a meeting tonight.
I’m having a rough day. I don’t feel well, but that has been par for the course every Monday - ever since I started drinking again and have had to get out of bed to go to work.
I’ve already confided in another Doper, and my lovely friend/confidante at work. Now I’m telling you all. Like I said, it’s about humility.
I’m going to go to that meeting. I’m going to see a lot of people I know; people who care about me. And at the end, when the newcomer’s chips are offered, I’m going to go up and get one. I used to keep my first newcomer’s chip in my pocket at all times, and would grab onto it any time I felt sketchy about wanting to drink. The fantastic feeling of getting my three-month chip, my six-month chip, my one-year chip, my two-year chip…
But like my friend at work said, it’s not about thinking about the “first time.” It’s about thinking about “this time.”
My name is Peter, and I’m an alcoholic.
Thanks for reading.