Let’s drop the hijack. See the mod note above your post.
Wait, a Jewish Rabbi went straight to the GUILT? 
Sorry. I cross-posted with your note. You may remove that part of my post, if you wish.
Well, 25 minute cross post. I’ll leave it, since we don’t routinely delete non-spam posts.
I’m not Jewish but isn’t the scenario of old Jewish people arguing and bitching ferociously at each other so common even Jewish people accept it as a “It’s funny because it’s true” stereotype? It’s a PITA to be caught in the middle, but I don’t get the pearl clutching from someone who is (I’m assuming) Jewish. I thought this kind of stuff was par for the course.
Taking it over (or beside, i.e., laterally) the rabbi’s head? No. Not a good idea. And “making it clear to the rabbi”? Also: no. Diplomacy, sensitivity, and being a grownup are what is called for here. Not making a federal case out of this. The OP is disillusioned because his hero has disappointed him. That’s one issue. The OP can deal with that in his own way, but he cannot fix the rabbi, the Cantor, or their relationship with each other.
The main issue is that the OP was chewed out because the rabbi told the Cantor something about the music and the rabbi thinks the OP defied him. The OP did not defy the rabbi. But to take the issue to the Executive Director or chief administrator WOULD constitute defiance.
The OP’s only mission here is to keep from being in between the rabbi and Cantor. If he gets with the Cantor about the music selection on Thursday or early Friday, he can protect himself. That’s all that he needs to do or worry about. The nuclear option is not necessary. If for some unknown reason the Cantor says, “I’m going to the music I want,” then that’s the OP’s cue to get a migraine and have to drop out that night. Don’t get between these two, or you will be the loser.
Presumably if the OP is a freelance musician (which is a paid gig, not a volunteer one), he will NOT want word to get out that he is the type to go whining and bitching to the CEO when he doesn’t like something. This is not what he would be doing, but this is how it would be reported in gossip and social media. It’s very important for a freelancer to GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE. I was a freelancer for 30 years (not in music, but this applies), so I know what I’m talking about.
OP, do not escalate this.
In a word: no. It’s not.
Pearl clutching? I may be taking the situation too much to heart, and maybe traumatized was an overstatement, but I was genuinely affected by this. It was not a directionless lash-out thing, it was the simmering anger and disappointment from being let down in a profound way, as if we were insulting him at his core. He has a way with words. He told us exactly how he felt and it was scary. So please don’t think I am pearl clutching. You can tell from the way I am talking about it that it got to me. I have never been accused of hurting someone so deeply except at the beginning of a previous relationship. Which wasn’t fun either. I prefer not to comment on the suggestion of a Jewish stereotype such as what you describe.
Rivkah, I have a decent sized synagogue…550 families. I don’t want to involve the executive director. For what it’s worth, the rabbi’s interaction with me at the Bar Mitzvah today was normal, as if yesterday never happened. I will keep an eye on the Rabbi from now on.
This is a paid gig. I accompany virtually all services, and collaborate heavily with the Cantor.
Lots of good viewpoints and ideas in this thread. I’m not Jewish, though I’m not sure that matters for the comment I’d like to add: it seems to me that the fact the rabbi will retire in a few months is relevant to your decision on how to handle this. It’s a shame he went off on you, but realistically, how many more times can that happen, given that he’ll be leaving soon? While it might be important to speak up if you were potentially subject to years more abuse, this is not a long-term situation.
I’m not saying you should say nothing, but I would definitely take his short-termer status into account before deciding how to proceed. It’s possible you can do your best to remain cheerful and cooperative for the next few months until he retires - then, when he is gone, you can look back across the whole of his career and your time working together, not just his unjustified blow-up toward the end. A little perspective may work wonders for how you feel.
I didn’t think it was pearl-clutching at all. It thought your reaction was totally normal, and I completely sympathized.
Also, Ex. Dir. are supposed to mediate between other employees, but maybe that’s not necessary, so nevermind.
Anyway, it’s also normal for congregations to experiment with different musical arrangements for the liturgy, especially pieces like Lecha Dodi, that have so many different tunes, and even different ways of parsing the same tune. I run into cantors and other service leaders who introduce something wacky from time to time. It’s also normal to be disappointed when you don’t get your favorite. My congregation runs through three or four different tunes for Adon Olam, and I have a favorite, which I don’t get that often. Once in a while, we don’t even sing Adon Olam, and I get bummed. But I’m sure there’s someone else who loves what we do do. I can’t believe a rabbi doesn’t know this.
I think your feelings are both normal and justified. I hope things get better.
I’m sorry this happened, and I hope it was just a bad day for him. It’s hard when your mentors and people you look up to stumble.
That said,
I’m pretty sure a) that the rabbi comes to services because it is his job, which he chose. The rest of the staff and the congregation aren’t responsible for jamming joy into the man; b) and if his joy in Shabbat is ruined by 5 minutes of Lecha Dodi, there’s more going on in his life than that. The Shema didn’t re-instill him with joy? That concerns me.
I don’t want to appear unsympathetic.
But, let’s be real. Getting chewed out by your boss is part of any job. It shouldn’t happen regularly. But once in awhile mistakes happen and the boss chews some ass.
I’ve worked many jobs since college. I’ve never worked for a boss yet that didn’t get upset. How upset depends on his personality. It might be a mild rebuke or a profane dressing down.
Don’t take it personal. He probably gets his ass chewed out too.
The rabbi really should have talked with the cantor privately. Then the cantor talks to the OP.
That’s the chain of command. Unfortunately it doesn’t always get followed. The big boss sometimes reaches further down to correct a problem.
The rabbi should have talked to the cantor initially, not asked the OP to be the go between.
Afterwards, why eould the cantor talk to the OP, except maybe to apologize? The OP did absolutely nothing wrong. He conveyed the rabbi’s message to the cantor, had no say in the cantor’s decision, and should not have been held to blame in any way, shape, or form.
"Dear Rabbi,
I was quite taken aback by your harsh words after last Friday’s service. Please understand that as the staff musician, music selection has never been within my sphere of influence. I don’t feel as if I’m in a position to critique choices made above me, nor would I ever presume to speak on your behalf.
I feel aggrieved that by following protocol, I have inadvertently offended you. That was certainly not my intention.
It is my sincere hope that (the cantor) and you can work out your stylistic differences as soon as possible so that we can put this tension behind us and return to our mission of enhancing the scripture via beautiful and meaningful music."
Oh my goodness, no. The OP should not get in the middle of this. Holy crap. And definitely don’t put anything in writing. This is a tempest in a teacup and should be left to die a natural death WHILE the OP keeps himself out of it. The OP is a freelancer; he cannot afford to develop a reputation around the synagogue/church circuit as a troublemaker, malcontent, or worse, buttinsky.
“Remember back a few years when Rabbi Sam and Carol Cantor got into it and that whippersnapper piano player–what was his name?-- kept trying to be the mediator? What a mess. What ever happened to him anyway?”
“I come to Shabbat Services for joy and you just ruined it.”
May I suggest you need to get some perspective here? If the service was “ruined” because the song was’t quite right, then you’re focusing on the wrong thing. Don’t you think God is more concerned with how you treat other people than whether the song is just right? There are just three of us involved here, so let’s lay out what we’re going to do next week and make sure we all agree.
Remember when that buttinsky Jimmy Carter won the Nobel Peace Prize?
I’m just kidding. I agree that writing a letter is too much. Let’s hope this just goes away. Especially since Rabbi Sam is leaving soon.
Excellent points. I don’t think I can even remember what tune we used for Lecha Dodi when I went to services last week.
He shouldn’t get in the middle of it? He’s ALREADY in the middle of it. As far as being labeled a malcontent, I don’t see that at all. I actually think that it’s very unhealthy for anyone who’s been subjected to that sort of unprofessional (and unholy) tirade to try and just “sweep it under the carpet.” What good does that do?
No, it should be discussed once the rabbi has calmed down, to clear the air and to make sure that everyone is on the same page moving forward. The goal here should be harmony, not “barely suppressed tension.”
I am not Jewish, but I have sung/played in many different church choirs. Choir members (especially older ones) that I know care a lot about which hymns are sung. Changes to new hymns or even new melodies bother them a lot. Not sure what OP should do about his problem, but he has my sympathies.