No. This would be a very immature way to handle it. Nothing will be made better by making a federal case out of this and much might be made worse. The OP isn’t even part of the regular staff. If he thinks he is in the middle of it, then he should REMOVE himself from the middle of it. He’s not “sweeping it under the carpet.” He is recognizing what IS his battle to fight and what is not. This is not his battle. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Someone has to be the grown-up here and it looks like it needs to be the OP.
Print off one of these and post it on your piano, open up a box of Matzo-Almond Croccante, call them both over to your piano and push the matzo on them, tell them what LSLGuy recommended, and push more matzo on them before they can reply. As long as their mouths are full with delight, they won’t be able to criticize . . . . and they won’t dare cross you out of fear that you won’t bring such delicious treats again.
The op has been working there for many years, interacted with this Rabbi all of his life, feels that everything up to now has been fine, functioning well as a team and treated with respect. One time in all these years the Rabbi loses his cool that he is there to see it.
Two possibilities:
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The Rabbi actually very very rarely loses his cool. In that case cut the man some slack for one bad day. Who knows what else is going on his life that he comported himself so differently than he usually does for all these years? Let it slide.
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The Rabbi keeps a great calm public face and only lets his temper show with those who he does not consider “audience.” This Cantor and the Rabbi bicker and fight off and on all the time like old marrieds. This is just the first time the op has been actually not considered “audience” and has seen what usually happens behind doors closed to him, treated on the same co-worker level as the Cantor. Off stage the Rabbi can have a temper? Who knew he was human?
The ONLY thing for the op to do is that IF the Rabbi ever again asks him to relay instructions to the Cantor he should politely decline, state that it is not his place to relay the Rabbi’s directions to the Cantor and that he is not comfortable doing so, and if questioned why then politely remind the Rabbi of what happened the last time he did.
Thank you all for your wonderful advice. Here are some more thoughts I’d like to add:
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I love the Rabbi very much. We are close–he presided at my Bar Mitzvah and has always supported me. In fact, he ended up buying 500 copies of my new Jewish piano solo CD to distribute to the whole Temple. I will admit that I am still a little intimidated by him, because he has always been the same trustworthy paragon of wisdom and common sense he has always been. I’m non-confrontational, for better or worse, and never really had reason to question his judgment.
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I of course know what people are talking about with “Adon Olam” and “Lecha Dodi” and “Shema” but others who are unfamiliar with the terms in this thread may be curious. If anyone would like to explain the order of the service, that might be helpful. The Lecha Dodi in question here is the Nava Tehilah version. You can find it on YouTube easily.
3.RivkahChaya, what is your favorite Adon Olam? I know a million of them–all I need is the composer. Part of the fun of this gig is being able to hear so many different interpretations of the source text, and composing your own as well.
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Susan, I appreciate your comment, and would add that according to the Cantor, he has always been very clear about what he wants. I asked him once "Why don’t you allow the congregation to greet each other like they sometimes do in churches (you say “peace” to your neighbors, etc.)? He said he wanted his service to be an uninterrupted worship experience, much like a musical in terms of consistent flow and no break in the momentum. Whether that’s a good thing or not, he has been remarkably consistent in upholding and imparting this vision to the rest of us. Maybe there was something else going on in his life?
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Getting chewed out is part of the job, I know. I’m not unrealistic, but I chafe at not being able to defend myself. This is a hornet’s nest I should not poke at, but I desperately want to set the record straight. I don’t want the Rabbi to think that there was that one time I let him down, because I didn’t. I want him to know that I didn’t. But then again, I’m sure there have been times in the years I’ve worked with him that I may have let him down but was never told as much.
So maybe it’s best to not say anything. The most I could hope for is an exoneration and it may not be worth the risk. I don’t like when other people insist on setting the record straight to maintain their own self-righteousness. Even if you were unfairly blamed, just move on! I don’t want to be one of those people–I might just say it’s not worth it digging at that old incident. -
PunditLisa, thanks for that nice letter. I would have written something like it myself when I was younger. But now I feel it would weaken the strong relationships the three of us have. No need to formalize or be polite—if I ever do bring it up again, it will be when the Rabbi and I are alone, and face-to-face. I think I can be candidly honest with him should the need arise. I am not a child anymore and do think he would be, upon receipt of a letter like this, confused at my actions. To your second comment, “sweeping it under the carpet” probably happens at workplaces everywhere. I think the two of them have moved on, I don’t want to be left behind nursing these wounds.
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In my congregation, there is comparatively less congregational participation. People just don’t want to sing… They like listening, but not singing as much. They also don’t react well to change. The rabbi lashed out when he saw them out there just being completely uninterested. The song is a song of anticipation, and this transition from profane to sacred just happens to be the most important part for the rabbi.
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I think the idea of being the better man is a sound one. I will not engage in meaningless quarrels. Not my battle, as others have said.
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It is sad to think that people you knew and trusted for years have all of a sudden been stripped of their public persona. But it’s nice to be reminded that even the “holiest among us” are decidedly human, just like everyone else.
IMO you had a very nice post going, and were demonstrating a lot of insight and maturity.
Then you wrote the above and drove off into the weeds. This part “It is sad to think that people you knew and trusted for years have all of a sudden been stripped of their public persona.” is (probably, I wasn’t there) a gross exaggeration. You’re especially non-confrontational; his job is (among other things) to deal with emotionally difficult topics.
You’re using your miniature ruler to measure his behavior and coming up with an over-large measurement. Try this instead: “He was disappointed, felt let down, and got angry for a couple minutes. Which was unhelpful to all.” IMO words like “loss of all trust” and “stripped” are overstatements of the facts.
This part “But it’s nice to be reminded that even the “holiest among us” are decidedly human, just like everyone else.” is good: insightful and mature again.
I’m a lot like you in some emotional regards. I try not to do the wrong thing, whether deliberately or inadvertently. I feel harsh criticism to my bones and really hate that feeling. Doubly so when it seems to me to be misdirected or inappropriate. That doesn’t make me hurt; it makes me angry and hurt. Recognize that your degree of anger and hurtness, though fully real to you, is almost certainly grossly oversized compared to what another dozen random people in the same situation would have felt.
A final comment unrelated to the above.
I noticed something the OP mentioned that everyone else has skipped over. The Rabbi is retiring in less than a year. That means that for each event / holiday / etc. he celebrates, this one is the last one. Next year he’ll be in the audience, not on the stage. That imbues each of these events with an extra importance for him that the previous 5 times just haven’t had.
The OP has said the Rabbi prefers put on a polished perfect performance rather than have a free-flowing audience participation event.
I’m ignorant of the religious significance of this particular holiday service. But if it’s a biggee, you can see how these factors combine to make it loom large in the Rabbi’s life. Even if it’s not so big on the generic Jewish calendar, it may be of special significance to him for whatever personal reasons. I know a semi-retired and very learned Catholic priest who definitely has his own ideas about which weeks in their liturgical calendar are most meaningful to him. It isn’t the obvious headliners.
Answer found on the first reply. If the rabbi has a mouth to tell you something about the music, he’s got a mouth to tell the cantor the same.
I’m not sure everyone is grasping what the rabbi did. He essentially took the OP hostage in his dispute with the cantor. He demonstrated to the cantor that if he didn’t do what the rabbi wanted that his assistant (the OP) would suffer as well. That’s why the thing for the OP to do here is either nothing or risk his job by taking action.
Others have shown some insight about this, the rabbi will soon be gone, this may be unusual behavior for him, his desire to leave on high note with congregation may have clouded his judgement, this could have just been a bad day for him, but it happened to the OP, and there’s no way to know what he might do if there’s another incident. He’ll be gone soon, the OP can just ride this out.
IMO there’s a huge difference between the Rabbi taking the hostage (very well put) deliberately, versus inadvertently, versus completely unwittingly.
In management-speak, the first is a crime, the next is an error of commission, and the last is a dumb amateur move.
IMO the OP is best advised to have his response rehearsed and ready in case there is a next time. But as you say the OP should otherwise ignore the incident because there probably won’t be a next time. For several different mutually reinforcing reasons.
In all the years you’ve known him, this is the first time he’s “let you down”. That’s pretty remarkable. He’s as human as you are.
I understand you were in an uncomfortable situation, but if this is the only time it happens, I’d let it go. If it happens again, I’d speak up and defend myself. “Hey, wait a minute. I relayed your message and played what was put in front of me. This isn’t my fault.”
StG
Hee. Catholic here, and I’m with him! I’m there to worship God. I’m happy during flu seasons when they dispense with the Sign of Peace. 
/hijack
I do know what you mean though – it makes you feel sick to have someone act out of character that dramatically when it wasn’t your fault.
It reminds me of how I was before I left Mormonism, with (what I can see now) as an impossible expectation for the leaders. (My mother is very much that way, as well so it’s obvious where I got it.)
It kind of sucks to find out that these expectations were out of line of reality, but it can also help people better appreciate the good job that an ordinary human is doing.
Leaders love to inculcate the belief in followers that the leaders are above reproach, ideal, and perfect in a way a mere mortal like all you followers can never be. It helps with the unthinking obedience part they’re actually wanting out of the followers.
The downside, as you say, is that when the façade cracks, it cracks bigly. Some followers, such as yourself, see the con for what it is and are repulsed.
Others, like apparently your Mom, just double down on the deliberate suspension of critical (or any other) thinking. They’d rather be eyes-scrunched-shut consistent than shown open-eyed to have been fooled.
I think this is the way to go - as others have said, you really don’t need to be in the middle of their conflict when you have no say in these decisions.
I also agree with those saying that since the rabbi is retiring this year, it does change things - this might not be a battle worth fighting.