Incident at my job--please help me process?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi SD.

I am going to try and make this as concise as possible, because no one wants to read huge walls of text.

I work as the accompanist at the synagogue where I grew up. For years, the cantor (music leader), the rabbi, and I have been a “team,” of sorts. We run the services. He leads, she sings and conducts me, and I play the piano. I have a lot of respect for both of them, and would never want to disappoint either of them. Especially the Rabbi–he was my Rabbi for my whole life–I would never want to fail him. We have never had an issue until now.
There is a part of the service where we all sing in anticipation of the arrival of the Sabbath Queen (for Shabbat). We always sing the same text, but there are hundreds of musical arrangements to choose from. The cantor decided to try a new musical arrangement last week. It is actually a slower piece than usual, and while I find it pretty, the Rabbi did not. He did not say anything at the time, but after service he drew me aside and said “Please let the Cantor know the prayer should be more exciting and full of anticipation.” As in, “Speed the song the fuck up, it’s a fucking dirge and I wasn’t getting anything out of it. Or choose another piece.” I let him specifically know that I’ll let her know, but it’s ultimately the Cantor’s decision what songs to use, as she is my direct boss–more so than the Rabbi. He seemed to understand. Afterwards, I told the Cantor what the Rabbi had said, and she seemed to get the message.

Next week was yesterday, and I was surprised to see the same arrangement listed on the service sheet. I knew the Rabbi didn’t like it, but the cantor has always been my boss, so I assumed she knew what she was doing. I always try to play what is asked of me. The service went by without incident, but afterwards, the Rabbi asked us both to join him in his office after everyone had left.

He exploded at us both, saying that he told us the song didn’t work and yet we insisted on doing it. He said “I come to Shabbat Services for joy and you just ruined it. I have never been as disappointed in both of you as I am right now.”

I didn’t say anything the whole time, partly from being really nervous and partly from being so surprised at his harshness. The Cantor was suitably contrite and promised she would stick to the basics. He also said “If it happens again I will stop the service and say to the congregation ‘That’s not what this song is supposed to be about’…if you are embarrassed, oh well, you brought it on yourself.”

This lasted for ten minutes. We all left, basically, without a word. Very awkward.

The Cantor called me later and said “Wow, that was something, wasn’t it?” She proceeded to tell me it wasn’t my fault at all, that the Rabbi just wanted me there as a witness, and that while he wasn’t being rational, we should just do what he says from now on. She said she’s seen this ugly side of him too often, and she just lets it go.

As for me, I am confused about how to feel. On the one hand, I agree with the Rabbi–he should have only had to say it once, and she should have changed the song if she knew it wasn’t working.

But I think I am really angry at the Rabbi. How dare he think I disappointed him? I played everything on the service sheet, like I am expected to do every week. Not my fault the Cantor decided to take a chance on this new piece. I’m more afraid of failing her than him, because I see her nearly every day. It isn’t fair for the Rabbi to be disappointed in me for following orders. This isn’t a fucking game. When he said he was disappointed in me, I got those eerie chills when something really horrible happens. My relationship with the Rabbi will never be the same, and I am mad at him for shattering the respect I had for him up to now. I will be seeing him in an hour or so, and hope he will apologize to me. I don’t think he realizes how much I was hurt by him for something that was not my fault. And if he wanted me there just as a “witness” like the cantor said, that is really ballsy of him. I am not a fucking plaything. If you have a problem with my playing, take it up with me personally. If you have a problem with the repertoire, sorry, it’s not my problem. We all have our roles, and repertoire selection was never mine.

I should mention, both my Rabbi and Cantor are getting up there in age, and are stubborn…especially the Cantor. They have respect for each other–I just don’t like being in the middle of this drama.

So what does the Dope suggest I do about this? Should I keep my mouth shut? I really want to give the Rabbi a piece of my mind and tell him that I was traumatized by his boiling rage–especially when he presents himself as such a wise, kindly man in public.

Thanks so much! I could not sleep well last night, and I would love some perspective.

Dave

2

If you have been doing this for that many years and this is the first time you have seen anything like this, I would say just let it slide. However the next time he told me to tell the cantor something, I would let him know that he needed to do his own instructing of the cantor. I would refuse to be caught in the middle again.

3

Who is responsible for choosing the music - rabbi or cantor? Are they supposed to work together on music choices?

As Tom says (terrifically), this sounds like it is between the 2 of them. And if the Rabbi acted as you describe, he sounds like a dick. Sucks when folk in supposedly leadership positions broadcast their human failings.

4

" I really want to give the Rabbi a piece of my mind and tell him that I was traumatized by his boiling rage–especially when he presents himself as such a wise, kindly man in public."

I hope that he’ll have calmed down and apologize to you. If he doesn’t, I agree that you should let him know how you feel, because how he acted is really not acceptable. Maybe starting with something like “I was really hurt by the way you spoke to me earlier…”

5

This. A simple emotion-free reminder like: “The cantor works for you. I work for her. I can’t order my boss to do anything. You can.” will work wonders to remind him of how the flow of power works.

Agree with this. Give him a couple of encounters to have an opportunity to apologize or retract or similar. Then if you’re still upset, corner him and explain to him that you got yelled at for failing to control your boss. Controlling your boss is an unrealistic thing for the Rabbi to expect you to do.

Doing this before the next time Tom’s scenario arises will reduce the odds of it happening at all. But if it does, this earlier convo will prime the pump for your response then. IOW, instead of saying “I can’t and therefor won’t try to control my boss” you can say “As we already discussed after the last blow-up, I can’t and therefor won’t try to control my boss.” This *should *be much more effective.
As everyone who does volunteer work eventually discovers, most volunteers don’t get fired. Instead they realize they’ve been giving selflessly to people who don’t give a shit about them or their efforts. If the Rabbi’s behavior eventually crosses that threshold, he will have no one but himself to blame when you quit in response.

6

Rabbis are jerks. Some of them may seem to be kind and sincere men, but almost always underneath is that lust to exercise their power.

Anyway, the same thing can happen in any work situation. If it was me I would have left a long time ago, but you have to decide what is important to you. I wouldn’t suggest talking to this rabbi about it at all. The next time the rabbi does the wrong thing and asks you to do his job for him then make it clear to the cantor that he should do as the rabbi wishes or tell the rabbi himself that he’s not.

7

In other words, you’re suggesting the OP put himself right back into the middle and take the blame … again.

I respectfully disagree that this is good advice.

8

I respectfully disagree with your disagreement. I don’t know that I’m right based on the limited detail here, but I think I would be right in some likely circumstances.

I don’t think talking to the rabbi will help. The OP is in a no win situation. Sadly the OP is just a shamash here. If he tells the rabbi or the cantor about his dissatisfaction he’s putting himself further into the middle of this power struggle. He’s not in between a manager and a supervisor, he’s in between the owner of the company and a VP, there’s no recourse if the rabbi does the wrong thing. If the cantor does the wrong thing he can only turn against the cantor. The OP risks joining a battle or can acquiesce. That’s my recommendation, the OP should consider the circumstances carefully.

9

Take it as one of your first looks at the inside politics of your temple. No matter how much of a happy, smiling face they put on for the congregation or the public, religious leaders are no less likely than anyone else to be petty, viscous backbiters behind closed doors.

10

First question: How old is the rabbi? The Cantor says she’s seen this side of him before–recently? (Not suggestion you ask her–just wondering if you know.) Sounds like it might be the beginnings of dementia (IANAD).

Maybe he doesn’t like having a female Cantor and is trying to pressure her to leave?

It bothers me that you said this: “As for me, I am confused about how to feel.,” You’re not confused; you’re angry at the way he treated the two of you. Anger is an appropriate reaction. It’s okay to be angry at the rabbi when he behaves like a dick, which was the case here.

I don’t recommend pointing out to the rabbi that “she’s my boss,” etc. This isn’t a corporation of 1,000 employees with a chain of command set in concrete. You described the three of you as a “team.” If anything, you need to get clear with the Cantor BEFORE the service, like the DAY before, to make sure she isn’t setting you up. Tell her, “The rabbi chewed ME out because you put the music he doesn’t want on my piano before I knew about it. Don’t set me up like this again. It was very unpleasant. He thought I deliberately defied him.”

She’s the fulcrum in this scenario, so go to her to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

ETA. Shabbat shalom.

11

In the middle of a Bar Mitzvah now, reading your great advice. To clarify some points: The rabbi has final say over what music goes in the service, but he gives great leeway to the Cantor to pick good repertoire. They both have similar taste so usually whatever she picks he likes. Also, I don’t wish to quit. I have a great gig at this place. I feel appreciated.

Everyone is giving very interesting advice. It is hard to see someone you idolized growing up become everything you thought they could never be. I do not think my rabbi is a bad guy, but i agree with the poster that said there is a lust for power there. In my community he is a very popular and beloved person. He has been at the temple for 40 years and is extremely influential.

What will i do? I don’t know. I don’t think i should let this slide without him knowing my side of things. We have a saying, us Jews…im ein ani li mi li. It means, “if I am not for myself, who am I?”? I feel I must stand up for myself. We have known each other for a long time. Will I always take shit from others? Fwiw, this is the only employment of this type I have ever known. As an itinerant musician I usually work gigs, and don’t have to deal with supervisors/management and drama at a company. I will see what he says to me after the service. Also, fyi the rabbi is in his early 70s. He is retiring at the end of the year. He and the Cantor have worked together since 2000. She has told me before that he has been very firm with her in the past. However she respects his ability as a leader and an executive. He respects her ambition as well and allows her a lot of freedom to experiment. They are a good experienced team. I would say they have a professional relationship. Shabbat Shalom!

12

Perhaps he changed. Or perhaps you were mistaken, or only saw one side of him before.

But either way, I’m not overly sympathetic to complaints of being “traumatized” by a workplace or social incident no more major than this. IMO, you are doing nobody (especially yourself) any favors by acting as tho this was a bigger deal than it was. (Sure, every person gets to choose what they perceive as “trauma”, but a heck of a lot of folk seem to perceive themselves as fragile little flowers, and the world - and people - as a heck of a lot nicer than they are.)

13

Painting with a broad brush here, arent you?

14

This is overstating a wee bit. Finding out that your idols are human is part of growing up. If he’s been there 40 years, then he’s probably 70-ish, right? I’m not excusing his behavior, which was bad form as a manager, but who knows what kind of pressure he is going through that you know nothing about. Maybe the board is pressuring him to retire or move into an Emeritus spot where he’s out of the mainstream.

Again: not excusing him, but maybe helping **you **see that jerkish behavior does not make someone a jerk through and through.

I think being the head of a synagogue or church must be extremely difficult, not the least because people DO idolize you and feel hurt and disillusioned when they see you display human behavior. The expectations are extremely high from the congregation. It’s to his credit that he has hung in there for so long.

But, aside from all that, make sure YOU aren’t caught again with the wrong music on the piano-- communicate with the Cantor on Thursday or early Friday and cover your own ass. Do not set yourself up to be chewed out again.

15

Terrific advice, Tom! I would like to add that the Rabbi seems to be lacking manegerial or personnel skills. Let it go this time, but speak up should it happen again.

16

I’m not Jewish, so this is coming from someone who does not have the same cultural experiences.

The rabbi is (theoretically) in charge and has 40 years experience. Maybe the rabbi is right? He did a bad job expressing his desires, but at least he (initially) did so in private and not in public.

I have worked with many junior people (i.e., people who were supposed to support me or learn from me) and I frequently had to say, “Just do it this way.” It is not an easy thing to do. I think the rabbi could have been more politic, but I think you are making a lot more out of this than it needs to be.

Just make sure you understand what you are expected to do, based on the highest authority, and do it.

17

I sort of wish the OP could secretly video his confrontation with the Big Temple Boss, so we could see it on the next episode of “Rabbis Gone Wild”.

18

Yes.

I suppose you mean that’s unfair. Ok, fine, but the OP told me enough to say that the brush fits with this rabbi.

19

Let’s drop the hijack about whether rabbis, a group, are jerks.

20

I count two rabbis among my closest friends, and they are decidedly not jerks. Now, if you had said that being a rabbi is no guarantee a person is not a jerk, I would have fully agreed with you. I’m sure the profession has jerks just like any other. I know one who made inappropriate advances toward women in his congregation. He got fired, and how, but he was a big enough jerk that it’s going to take a lot of rabbis who are pure of heart to average him out.

Yes, the same thing can happen in any work situation. I had a two-steps-up supervisor who did not get chain of command. My immediately supervisor kept telling me to do something against the fire code, and I’d tell him no, and he’d get made and practically throw a tantrum. So I’d do it. Then the person who was actually his supervisor would tell me to undo it, and I’d keep trying to explain to her that she needed to talk to him. I was new, though, and I wasn’t taken seriously. People got shuffled around the next year and he tried the same crap with someone who had been there 15 years, and his boss finally “got” it.

To the OP: how big is your shul? Do you have an executive director? If you do, you could take your concerns to that person. If not, then the advice to make it clear to the rabbi that he needs to deal with the cantor directly is the best advice so far.

If the rabbi has really been there 40 years, then he is at the very youngest, 68. Whoever suggested that if this behavior is common but recent, it could be the very beginnings of dementia. You should document it. Write down the date, in pen, in a notebook, and everything you can remember from the meeting. If there is another incident you directly witness, even if it isn’t directed at you, document it as well.

Is this a volunteer, or paid gig?