Need advice about dealing with colleagues "let go"

In My Humble Opinion
1

It seems to be “Ask advice on the internet from a bunch of strangers” week on the Dope!

After three or four years (I’ve lost track) of ongoing difficulties with our church music staff (director of music/organist and associate director of music), the decision was made to buy out their contracts and bid them good luck in their future endeavors.

During this period, I have been both a member of the church equivalent of the board of trustees and a doggedly committed choir member, sticking with it even though rehearsals had been far from pleasant for quite some time.

As both a “trustee” and a choir member, I’ve been involved in numerous discussions with the two staff members (together and individually) about how to address the ongoing issues. So they both know I am very familiar with the situation and its history.

After they were terminated, I first got a flurry of phone calls from the director of music. I’d gotten similar calls in the past, and, frankly, I just didn’t feel like dealing with him. I’m no longer a “trustee” and wasn’t present at the meeting with the choir where this course of action was discussed, although our minister did keep me in the loop. So I simply ignored his calls.

Then I got a letter from the associate director. I presume he sent one to every choir member. It was a very gracious, personalized letter and clearly not some piece of boilerplate he cranked out and sent to all of us. (If he’d demonstrated such sensitivity in rehearsals, this whole thing might not have happened!)

I’m at a loss as to how to respond to both of these people. I cannot truthfully say “It was a pleasure working with you.” Nor can I say, “I’m sorry this happened.” I CAN say, to one of the people, “Under your direction, I learned a great deal and am a much better choral singer because of it.”

I feel like I owe the director a phone call and the associate a letter. I don’t want to be insincere (“We’ll miss you so much!”) but neither do I want to give either of them a kiss-off. I will run into both of them around town, and I don’t want that to be uncomfortable for any of us.

Any suggestions about how I should approach this?

2

Wish them the best of luck and much success. If you learned a lot from the associate director, thank him for that. You don’t have to address their firing directly.

3

I understand where you’re coming from, but imagine I pick up the phone and call the director. “Hello, Fred. This is freckafree.” I can’t just say “I wish you the best of luck and much success” and then hang up.

Suppose the next thing I said were, “I got your phone calls and…”

4

“. . . . I wanted you to know that despite the difficulties lately, I hope the future holds good things for you and that you have success with all your future endeavors.”

I would also say that to me, “it’s been a pleasure working with you” is not much more than a social nicety. Unless I would obviously be a big ol’ hypocrite to say it – like I was the one who spearheaded his removal, and he knew it – I don’t think there’s anything wrong with an untruthful “It was nice to work with you.”

I just gave notice and had a very civil conversation with my supervisor in which we both told each other what a pleasure it had been to work together, and neither of us meant it, and both of us knew the other one didn’t mean it. It’s one of those things that greases the skids of social interaction by letting the other person know you’re willing to ignore the past and have a civil (if superficial) relationship in the future, one that does not include mentioning The Late Unpleasantness.

5

You don’t want to -and there is no need- to be combative with these people. At the same time you don’t want to sugar coat the situation and it might do them some good to know that their actions had something to do with the situation’s resolution.

Very dicey.

I think you can use the line “I’m sorry things worked out the way they did.” The “I’m sorry” is not a literal apology but as Miss Manners would state, merely the go to line at commenting on a regrettable -mainly for them- situation.

If pressed for details or more of an account as to why they were tossed out on their keester, you’d have to use the standard, “I really don’t feel comfortable discussing this.” And if you wish, you can pass the buck and direct them to speak with the appropriate point of contact.

Now, you really need to share at least one brief behind-the-scenes look at one of the drama inducing episodes as I’m sure I’m not the only one who is a bit curious.

6

You have my sympathy. It’s a real pain to wind up in the middle of something like this.

I think you’re on the right track. The only thing I would add is, if you feel more comfortable dropping the director a card, I think that would be fine to do. You can express your appreciation without putting yourself in a position to be cornered in a phone call. You will not have blown the person off, but can leave more personal interaction until they’ve had some time to calm down.

7

I have to be honest and say, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t be calling them, because it’s too easy for a phone call to get out of hand with them wanting you to agree with their version of events, etc.
However, I think a card to each would be appropriate, expressing some degree of sadness at the way things have turned out and wishing them the best for the future.

8

This, I think. Once the conversation starts you have little control of the direction it might take.

I’m with the OP in regard to the meaning of phrases, e.g. “We’ll miss you” if you won’t. Sure there are throwaway types of phrases that people don’t think twice about when they say them, but the OP seems like a “Say what you mean; mean what you say” type of person.

A card allows you to select your words at leisure. I like the “It’s too bad things didn’t work out better” approach because it basically agrees to disagree without having to cover old ground, yet it’s a gesture of acknowledgment.

9

*Dear __:

I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
freckafree*

I think that says all you need/want to say, and am not sure anything more helps.
Basically, all you want to do is offer a polite “Don’t let the door hit ya” and never have to see, hear, or deal with either of these folks again.

10

You all are exactly right about the reasons I want to avoid making a phone call. Been there, done that more than once already, and it was NOT fun.

minlokwat, since you insist… :slight_smile:

The director of music (hereinafter referred to as DM) has been vehemently opposed to the use of any kind of audio-visual equipment during services. But the church got a large gift, and one of the things purchased with it was a good-quality digital projector. DM was apparently not given advance warning that we were going to use it for the first time, primarily to project the words to hymns. DM (who is organist, too) was so upset (I believe he gasped audibly), he barely made it through the first hymn, then had to leave the sanctuary to compose himself. He played the other hymns but announced to the congregation at the end of the service that he was simply too upset to play the postlude.

The associate director (hereinafter referred to as AD) was primarily just a monumental prima dona. Or primo don, I guess. He tended to do a lot of pontificating during rehearsals (he had had a professional opera career) and was prone to temper tantrums and the occasional storming out in a huff. I will grant that he is a very fine musician and taught me A LOT about vocal technique. But he was an insufferable perfectionist (and one who rarely acknowledged when he was at fault), which just didn’t work with a choir whose members ranged from professional musicians to the nearly tone-deaf. He picked apart the accompanist (who was DM) mercilessly. We lost choir members because they found rehearsals too stressful.

Then there was the incident where AD had composed a solo (for himself) with piano accompaniment and went behind DM’s back to ask another pianist in the choir to accompany him, because he didn’t think DM would do his composition justice. When DM found out, it was not pretty.

I really do wish these guys the best, but I, for one, am looking forward to choir being enjoyable again.