My best friend and his wife were told they’d never be able to have a baby. This was in the 60’s when adaption was a good deal easier. So they adapted a child.
My friend’s wife became pregnant the next month.
My wife’s obstetrician happened to mention to her that a number of his patients had been “infertile” but became fertile shortly after adapting. Perhaps, he guessed, because they relaxed and didn’t worry about the whole thing.
You need to find a safe space to vent. If that’s here that’s great. We’re on your side. It’s okay to be angry because it sucks. And it really does suck. 
My hugs to you and a sincere wish for success.
The general attitude of American insurers towards anything they can drop under “female problems” is “it’s your fault for being female unless and until the law forces us to cover it.” Pregnancy, its prevention, achievement and completion are “female problems”.
With all due respect, it’s not a matter of just relaxing, and it can be very hurtful to be told that, as if it’s your fault you can’t get pregnant. I’m sure you mean well, but I’d advise against saying that to someone facing infertility.
I second this. I haven’t tried to have a baby yet with my husband as we have only been married for 7 weeks so I don’t know how it feels to try and fail. But I do know that everything you are feeling is valid and normal. Please don’t let anyone make you think that you can’t feel the way you feel because you haven’t had it “bad” enough. It is okay to feel angry and hurt and you need an outlet to help you work through those feelings. {{Antigen}}
My wife and I are in the same boat as you. It looks like our problem is that years of birth control have knocked her cycle completely out. She stopped taking birth control at the beginning of the year and hasn’t had a period yet. We are on our second OB and second round of ambiguous diagnoses. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
I would like to add a gripe: Every fucking TV show in the world doesn’t need to have babies, people trying to have babies, people freaking out because they haven’t had babies yet, people adopting babies, etc. Every. Fucking. Show. With the exception of Big Bang Theory and Antiques Roadshow.
It sucks being reminded every half an hour of our inadequacy.
It’s supposed to be eaten, right? :o
Well, that’s one way to find an outlet, I suppose.
Best of luck OP.
Thanks for this wonderful anecdotal information. “Adaption” is not a fertility treatment. Some people get pregnant, some do not. Some adopt children, some do not. There will be overlap between these groups of people. Adoption is wonderful but it is not currently an option I am considering. I want to have our biological children. That is very important to me.
Thanks, Girl From Mars, for pointing out how “relax” is more hurtful than helpful.
I swear, the next person who tells me to relax might need to file assault charges. It’s bullshit. It’s not like dating, where when you “stop looking” someone falls into your lap. I don’t need to be relaxed and in the right frame of mind to get pregnant. It’s not psychology, it’s physiology. Rape victims get pregnant sometimes. Are they relaxed? Strung-out crack whores get pregnant. Are they relaxed? With all due respect, stuff your “adopt and chill out” attitude where it belongs and enjoy your visit to the proctologist to have it extracted with hot tongs.
Oh God yes. It’s more than I can take sometimes. Right after the miscarriage, we were watching TV and caught an episode of a sitcom where someone finds out she can never have kids. So we switched to Netflix. Maybe Scrubs will cheer us up? No, look, some of the main characters are going through fertility testing. Great. All right, Star Trek will be just the ticket. Sweet merciful crap it’s the episode where Keiko has her baby.
Being reminded every day how reproduction is such a huge important part of life, how many people work so hard to avoid it, and how many people manage it in a snap, is bone-crushingly-depressing.
I’m sorry you guys are going through it too. Is there a fertility center or reproductive endocrinologist in your area? I’ve learned that while they’re great with pregnant women, the average OB doesn’t know a whole lot about getting pregnant.
I’m not sure that sort of story is helpful. It’s been whipped out on me and my husband numerous times, as if we should take heart from it and go out and adopt and thus become pregnant.
My husband is shooting blanks. There are no tadpoles in the stream. It doesn’t matter how relaxed we are, how many kids we adopt, the number of pineapples, or the position in which we do anything.
(And please, “helpful” people sticking their nose into our private business, no follow up recommendations for borrowed sperm - we’re intelligent people, we’re educated, we know about sperm donation. If we haven’t taken the option please just assume we’ve decided against it rather than trying to “inform” us. I’m tired of people trying to “solve” a problem for us that we no longer consider a problem, having come to a resolution we’re content with. As I said earlier, more people should just STFU about the reproduction of others.)
Quoted for truth.
Helpful nosy asshole: “Well, have you considered adoption?”
Me: "What? You can just, like, pick up a ready-made kid? Like take-out? THANK YOU FOR CHANGING MY WORLD!!!
Because, you know, it doesn’t cost money, it’s not an emotional and heart-wrenching process with a possibility of failure, and there are no emotional considerations to be considered when deciding to raise a child who is not of your flesh. Just reach out and grab a cute unwanted baby and move on with life. Oh, and then get all kinds of pregnant because you’re so relaxed now that you’re caring for an infant.
I’m childless by choice; didn’t think I would be a good father. None of my previous wives wanted kids, either; SWMBO and I are too old to have them now.
For a period of time in my first marriage, I went through a phase when people would make snarky comments about our not having children, I would reply that we had had one but she was killed in a car wreck when she was three years old. It wasn’t very nice of me to do that, but it wasn’t nice of them to stick their noses in, either.
And not putting your lives on hold. If you can afford vacations - take vacations - don’t live your life thinking “we’ll have to cancel, we might be pregnant then.” Make plans as a couple. There are a ton of things you can’t do easily as the parents of a small child (painting comes to mind) and a ton of things where you will wish you took the initiative before kids came (getting rid of your OWN junk because the house becomes covered in plastic). These things are “for the baby” but they aren’t wasted if you end up deciding that child free will be your life.
Statistically, its the same number as who don’t adopt, decide to remain child free without birth control and have a “surprise.”
Its bullshit, and its offensive bullshit. Not only does “just relax” blame the woman who is going through a very emotional medical issue (got depression, just ‘be happy’ - how about heart issues - well ‘relax’ - morbidly obese - don’t eat so much) - but it also implies that my son was a mere infertility treatment so we could conceive my daughter. Imagine how my son would feel if that were the case. Anyone who adopts in order to improve their chances for a bio child should be allowed to have any children.
As an adoptive parent
IVF costs money too - when we adopted, the adoption program was cheaper - and fostering children is “free.”
There are lots of possibilities for failure and heartbreak on the path you are taking
Kids of your flesh and kids not of your flesh all come with problems - my adopted son was a dream (until he hit his teenage years, now we are getting teenage problems) while my bio daughter was fraught with issues (and hopefully will be smoother through her teenage years). For adoptive parents - at least the ones that should have adopted to start with - there is no difference in love between the child of my flesh and the child I picked up at the airport.
I’m not saying you should adopt - in fact, until/unless you get over the kid of my flesh thing - you shouldn’t even consider it because it wouldn’t be best for the child. However, I am pointing out that your attitude is as unintentionally offensive to adoptive parents as theirs is to you.
I’ll also throw out something else to consider - clocks tick on adoption much like they do on biology. It becomes harder to adopt as you get older - programs close down, open adoption birth mothers are less likely to choose you. Ask yourself if you want to parent or not. And how important that child of the flesh is to you. Because it may come down to if you want kids, the path is via adoption - and you don’t have an eternity to decide. And its fine to say “well, if this doesn’t work, we will stay child free.” However, it isn’t fine to be my cousin - Tragedy Jane - who mopes around after twenty years of infertility talking about how much they wanted children, but who didn’t want them enough to adopt or foster - especially around adoptive parents. It isn’t a healthy mental state for her - and its annoying as hell for me. 
Tell me this; since this comment was post #41 in this thread, how could it ever have been made when the whole “just relax” bullshit had already been addressed? Or were you in such a hurry to share your “advice” that you rushed right in to spout it without reading the rest of the thread first? How terribly insensitive on all counts.
To all those suffering with infertility issues, my heart goes out to each of you and I pray there is resolution in your immediate futures. Hugs.
Oh, goodness, I was not in any way trying to insult the adoption process. I was just trying to respond to the “why don’t you just adopt” crowd by saying it’s not that easy, and it’s not for everyone. People throw out the adoption thing like it’s the easy and cheap alternative to fertility treatments, and that’s just not realistic. Where I am in my life right now, it’s not for me, but I’m in no way trying to say it’s not a good way to be a parent. I did not mean to offend.
I have a fear that maybe I wouldn’t be strong enough to be an adoptive parent. I’m nervous that part of me would hold bitterness because I couldn’t conceive. Until I am sure that I am past those feelings, I would never consider adopting, because it would not be fair to the child.
I think that’s exactly what she’s saying. Adoption is fine and wonderful if you want to adopt but it is not necessarily a simple or easy solution for anyone let alone someone facing a medical issue like infertility. I’m sure most adoptive parents understand that. I think it’s great you are in touch with your feelings on this matter in a rational way.
That’s pretty much it exactly, and just let people know “we aren’t ready for that yet, and aren’t sure if we will be - until we are, it wouldn’t be fair to a child.”
Also understand that a lot of adoptive parents were where you are now, and they too, were sure that fertility was going to pay off eventually and they wouldn’t need to cross that road. And they did. And they are grateful. So if the person you are talking to is one whose family was made via adoption - even if its a niece or godchild, they may be trying to tell you something other than “well, just adopt.” Like “hey, its ok to consider other options, this will work out, although not necessarily the way you hope.”
We were the first of our group of friends to adopt, and one of three couples with a mixed set of adopted and bio kids - and both the couples that also had bio kids (their bio kids came first) called us up with the same concerns you have. And they both wonder what in the hell they were thinking now - over a decade later.
And whatever you decide IS ok, but this is such a touchy subject that you have to be careful with other people’s emotions, just like you expect them to be careful of yours. If the person saying “just adopt” is a busybody, then they are just a busybody (and try not to share your infertility issues with those people, and try and communicate to the people you do share it with that your fertility is not general gossip to be shared), but if they are an adoptive parent or aunt or friend or adoptee, they may be communicating something else - maybe something you aren’t ready for, or maybe something you will never be interested in, but it isn’t busybodiness.
So there’s a popular primetime TV show with the ‘adopted a babby? OH HEY NOW YOU CAN GET PREGNANT’ thing going on right now. As soon as the TV gossip sites started saying someone on that show was getting pregnant I knew this was how it was going to go down. The plotline has to be incredibly hurtful to so many people.
No offense taken, speaking as an adoptive parent. You’re right that it’s not cheap, and it’s not easy. And the main thing is, unlike what these clowns suggest, it’s not a decision to be made lightly. My wife and I hit the kid jackpot when we adopted nearly four years ago, but there were times when the process seemed designed to break our hearts and take us to the brink of despair.
And if that’s where you are, then that’s that, unless you get to a point where you’re comfortably past those feelings. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. You know who you are, you know what’s going on inside of you, and you’ve got to listen to that. You can’t tell your gut what it should feel, and you can’t go overruling it on something like this where your innermost feelings really are paramount.
The one thing I will say is that if you should get to a point where you’re ready to adopt, my experience (and that of others I know) is that the things inside us that mysteriously kick in as parents quickly lose sight of the difference between natural and adopted children. I love my kid more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything in my life, and this has nothing to do with any virtues I may or may not have. Whether you adopt or have children of your body, you’re subject to the same incredibly powerful forces either way.