@#&%ing Stress!

In My Humble Opinion
1

TL;DR version: I’m terrified that we’re all going to die slowly, horribly and hoplessly, and I won’t have access to any reliable method of suicide to make it less godawful. I occasionally have difficulty functioning day-to-day as a result. My father visits and tells me I’m a useless sack of shit for thinking too much. I want to feel better and don’t know how.

Detailed version: Alright guys. I’m not exactly a household name on these boards; you might know me for wanting to be a paramedic, having unfounded social anxiety about living in a beautiful country, or being mildly interested in dreams. Nothing out of the ordinary. What’s out of the ordinary is that I consistently lose sleep about climate change, and have been since my preteen years. Very few people know about it, or know how much it actually affects me, because I learned long ago that worrying about it out loud is the fastest way to get socially ostracized short of screaming profanities at the top of my lungs. When I do admit to it, the reactions I get vary from, “You are wearing a tinfoil hat. Go to a psychiatrist” to, “Sheesh, me too, but just try not to think about it.”

I’m not actually scared of the whole dying part. People don’t fear death- they fear the various forms of suffering that tend to proceed it. I don’t want my last weeks/years/whatever to consist of either 1) being too delirious (with dehydration, pain, etc) to know what planet I’m on, or 2) witnessing so many unthinkable atrocities that the idea of looking on the bright side becomes preposterous. If I could get a cyanide capsule built into one of my teeth for just such a situation, I’m pretty sure I could calm the hell down and get on with my life. I don’t want to commit suicide, of course- I just don’t want to be stuck someday wishing I could.

I’m not so good at trying not to think about things. I’d rather just get off my backside, do something about them, and then not have any reason to worry anymore. That’s where global warming becomes the problem- I can’t simply get up and solve that! No amount of anyone arguing is going to convince me it isn’t happening, or that it isn’t going to have catastrophic effects in my lifetime (I haven’t even been 20 for a week!) or anything like that either. I feel like I have to somehow resign myself to the latter portion of my life being all unnatural proportions of doom and gloom all the time, with no redeeming features or bright spots.

And I do think about it any time I have too much opportunity to think. It drives me insane while I’m working out, while I’m doing my dishes or waiting for the bus, any time I try to relax, etc. Once in a while I just put down whatever I’m doing to sit down and panic, and every few weeks there’s a day where I call in sick to work, cancel any plans etc to curl up in bed and try to mentally wrestle myself into not being so concerned. Obviously I’ve never been successful at that. I’m gradually pissing my boss off to the point that he’ll someday fire me, and the stress takes a general toll on my health, appearance and relationships in the form of sloppy grooming and forgetfulness.

I’m paranoid about conserving water and electricity, to the point where I’m more likely to strain to see by the light of my netbook screen than turn on a lamp, I have what feels like a small panic attack every time I bathe or shower and anyone I who doesn’t like me, I perversely wonder how much the environment would benefit if they died. In short, I’m nuts. I sometimes catch myself considering suicide. Again, I don’t want to die- it’s more of a “Quick! Get out while you still can!” sort of thing. I’ve called hotlines and they do nothing but tell me to focus on the present moment… Bitch, if I could focus exclusively on the present moment at will, I wouldn’t be calling.

I live alone, which I’m pretty sure someone as social as me should not be doing at all, let alone someone in my mental situation. The only two people close to me are my best friend, who always has time to listen but never knows what to say, and my father, who thinks I’m the world’s biggest idiot. He consistently tells me the answer is just to worry about living day to day, and never to think further ahead than that. Whenever he calls or comes over, he tells me at least once to ditch my meaningless job and “Go out and do something with [my] life”, completely ignoring that I’m trying to get into the school of paramedicine and I need a way to live until then. He tells me I’m lazy (did he miss the part where I deal with stress almost exclusively by taking action?) and that there’s no way I could possibly be as stressed about global warming as he is about the fact that his girlfriend is going through a nasty divorce.

So by the time he leaves I feel like the most utterly worthless individual ever born, I sit down to panic and then berate myself for panicking, then I finally convince myself to call or visit my best friend instead of doing anything stupid. She gets me to a point where I feel like a competent human being again, I get on with my day and continue to stress about climate change. Rinse and repeat. There has to be more to life than stress- help!

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  1. Remove your primary negative influence. Take away your dad’s key (if he has one). Change your phone number and email address (if he has email). Don’t let him in to your house anymore. You may never be able to have a normal relationship with him, but your current relationship is driving you insane. Stop letting him fuck with you. Don’t talk to him anymore until after you seek professional help.
  2. Get professional help. Your never-ending, anxious eco-guilt is probably just an expression of a legitimate disorder. You might be obsessive-compulsive or manic-depressive or generally anxious (I’m not diagnosing you, just throwing out some possibilities). A professional will be able to diagnose the reasons behind your anxiety and get you medicated.
  3. Take your medication. Also start cognitive behavioral therapy.

The very *definition *of mental illness is something that has an adverse impact on your life. Insomnia and panic attacks (followed by self-flagellation over your insufficient contribution to the earth’s health) is negatively affecting you, and it’s wholly and completely irrational. But there’s no way anybody here can give you the help you need. Good luck getting a diagnosis.

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I’m not sure whether I made this clear or not but I do not have eco-guilt. It isn’t climate change I’m hung up on- it’s that I’m convinced my death will be slow and painful. And the self-flagellation is about not being able to just push it aside and go be productive, not about not being able to do much about it.

I do thank you for your suggestions but I’ve already been bounced around the whole circuit of psych doctors in this city (well, all the ones I could afford at least) and none of them has diagnosed me with anything except stupidity. I’ve been told it’s irrational by maybe every third one, but I don’t actually think that’s true or they’d put a name on it. The exception being one that tried to tell me I have dysthemia (pffft, like that really matches the symptoms). She told me it’s likely I’d never actually feel any better my whole life, I’d just learn to function anyway. I don’t know enough to know whether that’s true but I told her not to waste my time and quit seeing her. If I’m just going to feel shitty, I don’t care whether I can function.

I don’t honestly think any professional can help me come to terms with a reality people shouldn’t have to come to terms with. Some folks just prefer a painless death over a painful one and that’s that. I was hoping for someone to suggest something I hadn’t thought of before, by which I mean- no suicide, no professionals, and no trying to pretend it isn happening.

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I can’t imagine how so many shrinks missed the obvious obsessive thoughts and phobia that have kept you from living productively! I have been living with obsessive thoughts about planes crashing for about 20 years. There have been times when I can’t drive because I have hallucinations about planes. Very brief, but just enough to have me swerving. Not safe on the interstate. I also have a severe phobia about needles and sharp pointed objects. It’s held me back from getting jobs, going to college, etc. because I can’t get immunizations. I just can’t. I want to, so bad, but it’s just not happening.

I went through many therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists early on and gave up completely because all I ever got was “well you need to get over that”. Often I couldn’t even get past the intake procedures because they want to draw blood! But this time something is sticking. I’ve been doing better for six months now.The Zoloft is helping. The talk therapy isn’t really that great, but it does feel good to have someone tell me I’m not a fat lazy slob; there’s really something wrong with me that might actually be fixable. I’m not freaking out now every time I hear a low-flying plane. I’ve even been to the airport. I can’t remember the last time I had a crash-related nightmare.

My therapist thinks all this is manifesting from PTSD, from being molested as a child. I have overreactions to common stresses so she wants to try EMDR. I have obsessive thoughts and phobias. Social anxiety. Binge eating disorder. Depression from the sheer exhaustion of fighting this unrelenting shitstorm. It really does wear you out, doesn’t it? And my big brother is like your dad. He has always seen me as lazy and weak and unmotivated. It’s embarrassing for me to be the loser of the family, the one who never does anything with my life. Worse, my brother has said I’m just like my father, who is a homeless drug addicted drifter. That hurts the most because he is the person who molested me, so saying I’m just like him is pretty much the worst thing he could say.

But six months in, I’m doing a bit better, so don’t give up on the professionals yet.

5

Go see your doctor and ask to be put on some anti-depressants.

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Here’s one way: spend less time with people who tell you you are a worthless sack of shit.

Alternatively, if you know that certain topics of conversation with him are going to lead to him saying you are a worthless sack of shit, don’t talk about those topics with him. You know what that’s going to lead to, and you know you don’t like it, so why do you do it? There are other things you could talk about with him, you know.

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You are the only poster here who hasn’t made this sound like a terrible idea! I’ll see if anything can be arranged. I say this instead of a plain old “Okay!” because I have a really bad track record with various professionals, having suddenly quit making appointments with I think fourteen of them in the past eight years, so at this point there might not be anyone left who will take me.

I’m extremely adverse to the idea of taking medication. I’m mostly convinced that in my particular case it would just mask the problem, but I also have had some very fucking bad experiences with it (my mother used to indiscriminately slip me her psych prescriptions to make me compliant, starting from 4 years old when preschool staff complained I was a problem onward). If it comes down to it, I’d rather have to face not being able to live productively than have to face taking antidepressants. I don’t think there’s any point in getting things done if I don’t feel good about the hows and whys.

I have also done CBT and I hated it, I felt like I was just being bullied into pretending to think positively.

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The problem is that every topic eventually leads to how I’m a worthless sack of shit. The man is obviously irrevocably disappointed in me, for no reason other than his definitions of worth, responsibility, maturity etc are quite different from mine, and once he latches onto a topic there’s no shutting him up or changing the subject until he’s made his point multiple times. He especially seems to think that thoughts of pre-emptive suicide mean I should just “grow up”, because of course everyone knows that infants commit suicide all the time and no adult in recorded history ever has.

I am a person who’s hard to like. I don’t say this out of a lack of self-confidence or because I think everyone in the world is a shallow idiot. I took on a lot of responsibilities much younger than my peers, and grew up with the unshakable conviction that if I ever actually relaxed the sky would fall. So I struggle not to put pressure on everyone around me to take better care of themselves, pay close attention to everything, be more responsible etc etc to the point that I can’t sleep if I suspect anyone I give a damn about is going to jaywalk across the highway the next morning.

I come across as being very critical, very grumpy and maybe a bit bossy. My best friend is the only person capable of tolerating this behaviour and largely because she understands why I do it. I make considerable effort not to go around snapping and barking orders, but half the time I think I’m just being caring and don’t even realize I’m percieved as cranky. So it’s damn hard for me to make and maintain any kind of social, familial etc relationships and I’m awfully reluctant to let go of the few I have. Hell, I’m half-convinced my dad is just doing the same thing I do on a less philosophical scale. Once or twice I’ve been close to cutting off contact with him only to ask myself, “If I can do that in good conscience, what gives my neurotic self the right to any human contact at all?”

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You need an ‘appointment buddy’ - someone who will show up at your house and drag you to your appointment. It would be helpful if they can also go in with you and basically hold your hand and distract you if they want to draw blood.

It isn’t as if you are looking for painkillers or stimulants, you need help dealing with an anxiety issue, made worse by your needle and medical personnel fear.

As to a temporary fix - you need to basically make yourself function. Schedule your bathing - pick 3 days of the week, like Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Now pick a time, 6 pm. Get a kitchen timer, and set it for 10 minutes. That is the amount of time you are allowed to shower. [or get a submarine shower nozzle, it is sort of like those faucets you find in businesses that you push down and it dispenses water for like 2 minutes then automatically turns off. These you push the button on and they spray water for 2 minutes. The shower technique is to turn it on and get wet, then to soap up and then turn it on and rinse off.] Hm, this shower manager might work for you, it isn’t the purely mechanical one I was looking for, but should work. Then perhaps start changing your regular lights for LED task lighting, as LEDs are very energy conservative. You can add timers for your wall switches like businesses use [they also have motion detectors so they only light the room while someone is in there.]

But again, I think your best bet would be to get an appointment buddy, and start with changing your behavior to work around the anxieties of waste. You need to grant yourself the use of your fair share of the worlds resources. If you can make yourself realize that you are using only your fair share, and not wasting resources it may help.

And figure out how to remove your father’s negativity. Mental issues are not silly or stupid, they are real and crippling. Your father is an asshole and a butthead.

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Er, I don’t have a phobia of needles… You are thinking of Rushgeekgirl. I actually give blood semi-regularly.

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Wow, that sounds like a lot to deal with. I’ll try and address a few points here, though my advice is worth exactly what you’re paying for it.

When people ask “is this normal, or do I have a mental problem going on here?” my response is always “does it get in the way of living your life?” It sounds like your answer is an unequivocal hell yes! A lot of people with mental struggles don’t recognize that what’s going on is abnormal or that it’s hurting them. It’s almost impossible for them to make progress until they can acknowledge that. It sounds like you’re already well aware of this and taking what steps you can to deal with it, which is a big deal. Good job!

Trying to live with mental struggles is a lot like trying to run a race with a broken leg. Berating you or telling you to quit being lazy and run faster isn’t going to do a bit of good. A cast and an arm to lean on, though, can be helpful. (And honestly, if your dad treated a dog as poorly as he’s treating you, we’d call him an abuser and shame the shit out of him. His behavior is not okay.)

It is okay if you want to cut off contact with him. Lots of people cut off contact with family members in good conscience and for good reasons. There’s a zombie thread here on that very topic. It doesn’t have to be a permanent choice with a dramatic break-up letter, either. You can just stop talking to him for a few years, and leave your options open to pick up contact again later if you want it.

Ugfh, that’s terrible. Psychologists are supposed to look at what you’re dealing with and say “wow, that must be nasty to have floating around in your head, let’s start pulling it apart and see what we can do about it”. Some psychologists don’t like to say “you have xyz” because labels can get in the way of trying to heal, and most people have a combination of things instead of one specific diagnosis anyway, but just being dismissive is worse than useless.

If you have the patience for it, I’d strongly encourage you to keep looking for someone who will listen and help you. Look for someone who specializes in anxiety disorders or phobias, if you can. They’ll have a better idea of how to help you. If you’re willing to tell us what city you’re in/close to, some people here are really good at digging up resources like that.

I dealt with run-of-the-mill depression, anxiety, and family issues, which pretty much any therapist should be able to help with. I’ve worked with four different people, two of which were okay, one of which I really didn’t like (though he helped a little) and one that I really got along well with. It does take work to find someone you like and that can actually help.

Wow, having my mother randomly drug me would put me off medications too. It is 100% your choice whether or not to take medications, and there’s a lot that can be done without them. Unfortunately, my impression is that symptoms like yours tend to respond to medication more than anything else, so you may get a lot of pressure in that direction. Pressure doesn’t mean you have to accept it, though.

Please keep talking to us. There are a lot of people here who have dealt with mental issues of their own and have found various ways through or around it. We’ll listen. You’re not crazy or difficult or stupid, you’ve got a legitimate problem going on and are trying to deal with it the best you can. All the best to you.

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No matter how crazy or neurotic you are, you still deserve the same decent treatment, basic respect, and courtesy that every other person does. You’re not the worst person in the world (unless you’re actually Joseph Kony, or somebody like that). You do not deserve to be treated the way your dad is treating you.

This isn’t what normal, nice people say when someone tells them “I’m stressed about X”. There are a number of acceptable and helpful responses, but “You can’t possibly be as stressed about X as I am about Y” isn’t one of them.

It’s factually untrue, as well. You can have two different people dealing with the same stressful situation, and one of them will feel different levels of stress than the other. You just can’t compare stress between people that way, much less stress felt by one person about one situation versus stress felt by another person about a totally different situation.

What he’s doing is saying that your stress is not valid. No wonder you don’t like it when he does that. What do you think would happen if he were going on about his girlfriend’s divorce, and you said it was trivial compared to global warming? Do you think he’d like that? Why does he get to do it to you, but you don’t get to turn the tables on him?

What on earth does your right to human contact have to do with how you deal with one particular person? Is there one person in the world that we all have to get along with, and, if we don’t, we’re banned forever from all contact with other people? How do I get that job? I’d love to ban everybody who doesn’t get along with me from ever associating with another human being. If it’s ridiculous for me to do it, why isn’t it ridiculous for you to say you don’t deserve human contact if you don’t get along with him?

Lots of people cut off contact with family members. Even more people have certain subjects they do not discuss with certain family members.

13

Or, you could just take a Skittle with a glass of water.

14

Depends on the Skittle. Those purple ones will $%&# you up, man.

(Kidding!)
I have advice, but it’s been said here already, and better than I could, so I’ll just +1 everything upthread and tell you that I hope things get better for you. There’s no reason you have to live with this crippling anxiety. Note that the various medications people are or will suggest don’t have to be a permanent part of your life for the rest of your existence. Sometimes, they help clear the fog out of your brain enough so that you can re-adjust your perspective, which is what’s most important.

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I will do that.

I’ve just called a general helpline about possible access to professional help and wrote down a bunch of phone numbers. The offices are all closed here for the day, so I’ll call them tomorrow.

Annie, I also just got off the phone with my dad and after another of his tirades I’m quite convinced you’re right about not taking his crap. Actually, considering the whole reason I moved out was so that I could still have my best friend stay overnight (he used to whine about not getting his space, etc- the rule was that once his girlfriend moved in, I wasn’t allowed any company at all) I think it’s probably best I change my phone number and such.

I should probably add that my job isn’t doing so well at paying the rent lately. Hours are something to be fiercely competed for and the work itself is discouraging and frustrating (call center!). I really need to find a more stable job for the year between now and getting in to school, but all I’ve got is a high school diploma and a year of experience goading people into doing godawful phone surveys. I also honestly need to move into some form of low-income housing until I can get a little steadier on my feet, but I know almost nothing about it. I’m terrified that I will be fired or otherwise unable to support myself- because clearly moving back in with my father isn’t an option, and I don’t know anybody who so much as owns a couch I could crash on.

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You’re quick, good going!

Call centers suck balls. I’m sorry to hear it’s not doing a good job of paying the rent - you’d think a decent wage would be the least they could do for workers who are slowly losing their souls to the phones. I wish I had some good advice for finding something else, but sadly I can only offer sympathy.

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Here’s one way to do that. It’s easiest on the phone, because on the phone you always have the option to hang up. You’re talking to him on the phone, and he starts in on how worthless you are. You tell him, as calmly and unemotionally as possible, “Dad, I would really rather not talk about this with you.” Then you bring up a different topic. Two things can happen here. Either he can get into discussing the new topic with you- win. Or he can try to drag you back into his tirade about you. If he does that, you tell him, “Dad, if you keep bringing up this subject, I am going to hang up.” Then you start a new topic. If he goes back to the tirade, you hang up. If he tries to call back, refuse to talk to him about how disappointed he is in you. Talk about other things, but don’t let him engage you in a tirade.

He will be angry at you for this at first, or he might be upset. Remember, normal, civilized people do not regularly go on tirades directed at their loved ones in which they list those loved ones’ flaws. They don’t. The way he has been acting is not normal or acceptable. He thinks it is, but he’s wrong.

A way to recognize when he’s acting out of line is this. You’re an adult. Parents don’t get to say things to adult children that they wouldn’t stand for their adult children saying to them. If he says something to you, ask yourself what you think would happen if you said something like that to him. Ask if he would like or tolerate it. If the answer is no, he’s probably out of line saying it to you.

Don’t go back to the one who diagnosed you with stupidity. That is, as far as I know, not a real diagnosis from the DSM-IV or DSM-V. Saying things like that is not the way a medical professional is supposed to treat a patient.

Neither is this. Boy, you really met some winners.

If you do have depression or an anxiety disorder, it is absolutely factually not true that there is nothing anyone can do to make you feel any better. Don’t let anybody tell you that.

Are you likely to completely stop worrying about global warming? No. Are you likely to find ways to keep that worry from consuming your life? Yes. Having worries that interfere with your life sucks, and you will probably feel better when you don’t worry to that degree most of the time.

Wow. Just, wow.

Taking medication of your own free will as an adult is worlds away from this. No decent psychiatrist or therapist is going to force you to take medication to make you compliant. It’s not the same thing as what happened to you when you were a kid. That was incredibly bad parenting. It’s also illegal to give prescription drugs to someone other than the person they were prescribed for. Whoever was prescribing those medications to your mother would probably have been horrified to hear what she was doing with them.

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My bad, not sure why I thought that … but then again, lots of people are twitchy about needles, it is probably the most common thing for people to be upset with when it comes to doctor visits. :slight_smile:

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Then you are going to have a very rough row to hoe.

20

Omar, I think you’ve said your piece. Please do not post again in this thread unless you have something besides “Take antidepressants” to contribute.