I know, another wah wah thread. I apologize. I promise I already feel like shit about myself for how I am.
I am an anxious person. A shrink once said I had “Generalized Anxiety Disorder with a touch of Shitty Parent Syndrome”.
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[li]I am anxious putting gas in the car.[/li][li]I am anxious paying bills.[/li][li]I am anxious walking inside to get my son from his first grade class. (He has a scholarship and the other kids’ parents are…well…the yoga pant wearing moms with the BMWs…of course I’m insecure.)[/li][li]I am anxious getting dressed. I don’t know what to wear, and unless I look flawless, I feel ugly. And even then, I know what I look like naked.[/li][li]I go grocery shopping every Saturday. I hate it. Sometimes i leave my cart behind and go home and order in for a few days. Sometimes my son eats cereal in his sack lunch because I couldn’t make it to the store. One anxiety streak three and a half years ago, I barely went to the store at all - had groceries, pizza, and subs delivered for 3.5 months. (When I snapped out of it a little, I met dbag and then got dumped while eating ice cream.)[/li][/ul]
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[li]I am anxious about errands - doctors (holyfnooooo), dentists (gaaahhh), DMV (made me cry the night before I had to go), things that involve parking downtown, street parking, parallel parking, driving, or breathing in general.[/li][li]I hate driving. I am an anxious driver.[/li][li]and etc.[/li][/ul]
My anxiety ruins my life.
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[li]I can’t take my son out as much as I want to. I can’t take him to birthday parties every weekend because there are other parents there and I’m soooo anxious all week that on the weekends I need to crawl into bed where it’s safe. I DO give myself credit for being a Room Mom and taking over a class fundraiser. I have been too fn freaked to write this email that needs to be written, though.[/li][li]I’m financially limited, so it’s hard to meet new people. When I do get out, I am always late because I didn’t know what to wear (even if I just bought it) and I never know how to meet anyone. [/li][li]I have zero close friends. Well, one, but she’s in Iowa.[/li][li]I do not socialize with co-workers. All they do is drink, anyway.[/li][li]I get anxious about work, so I take work home and do extra unpaid work even though I’m an hourly p/t teacher.[/li][li]We have no health insurance, so I can’t get medical help for this.[/li][li]I do have epilepsy (which is fairly controlled now if I just eat and sleep and not get high fevers), so it does make it very hard for me to want to do certain things. I wish I had meds, though.[/li][li]I hate my body, so I don’t wear certain clothes. Swimsuits? HAHAHAHA.[/li]
[li]I was Rx’d Klonopin before. I have an old bottle that I keep FOR SUPER EMERGENCIES ONLY. About 2mg and a glass of wine when the time calls for it. I was Rx’d Celexa before, but I don’t know if it did me any good…and lots of SSRIs and neuroleptics before that were terrible. Did you know Seroquel can make you see clowns?[/li]
[li]I spent most of 2011 in my house. I didn’t have a job - couldn’t find one til August. We had a hard time eating and my dad had to give me rent money several times (I think to keep me quiet about his double life.) [/li]
[li]From May 2010 (suicide attempt) to December 2011 I was a ‘mostly hermit’, going out about 10 whole times. I did go to work and I loved it, but the Anxiety Monster is creeping back so bad I wake up sad every morning that I can’t quit. I love my students, but all I want are weekends. It used to be that I found weekends boring and lonely because I didn’t have friend. I still don’t have friends, but I just want to curl up with a book instead anyway.[/li][/ul]
Now there’s the pregnancy/abortion thing. I can’t breathe. It sounds like too much of a big deal to floss my teeth right now. A pelvic? Man, I have to be really turned on or zoned out on drugs for you to get in my vagina.
It’s killing me. The anxiety is literally killing me. The last time I had a suicide attempt, it was a decent enough job (femoral), and this is how it came about.
I have been this way for years. My parents were very abusive. I had to wear dresses, couldn’t read books (in case there was sex in them!), couldn’t have friends, no phone, had to keep my room spotless or get a whipping, etc. My dad went through a Super Evangelical Phase from about 10-16.
How do people live like this? How can I magically become independently wealthy? What medicines worked for you? The sliding scale places have long wait lists, but if I can manage $250 for a reg doc for an intake, anything I should ask for besides straight heroin?
A hospital stay won’t do me any good. I know the drill, plus there’s a risk they’ll take my kid. (And I am a very good mom! Damn it! This is where the anxiety comes in handy - he’s meticulously taken care of.) I don’t have insurance, so they’d hold me for a day or two and tell me to go home (with a bill).
It’s so bad I’ve been wishing my dad would drop dead and leave me some cash so I can take a year or two off.
Yes, I’m horrible.
People who’d rather get hit by a bus than go to the DMV aren’t normal. I know this. “Forcing” myself out is not helpful. I always regret it. I tried to find a dance partner on line and backed out - totally stood him up, even though I’ve always wanted to learn how to swing. 
I’m going to go the drug route if I can cough up the cash. Suggestions? Aside from being a functioning alcoholic?
When it gets this bad…I’m too overwhelmed to leave my room, do laundry, shower, or eat. Right now the living room is scary.