My 22 year old daughter ought to be feeling better than ever. After some struggles in Jr College she pulled her act together, and she’s now just entered her Junior year of the local (very desirable) University, she’s got a retail job at Macys selling women’s clothing, her grades are quite good, she’s got a DJ slot on the Thursday night college radio for her avant garde music and…so… life is good right?
Not really, this afternoon she was telling me she has this suffocating generalized anxiety that won’t go away and she wakes up feeling tense. She’s also unhappy with her body image as she thinks she’s too tall at 5’11" and her nose isn’t a little dolly button, and she feels like a giant surrounded by these little 5 foot something undergraduate coeds who are 19 and 20 who are like kids to her in their immaturity and fashion sense, and the boys are all boring jocks, and she feels used by her fellow DJ mentor who keeps making her run long distance errands for him, and then criticizes her tastes as being childish.
I told her to focus on the things she can change, to prioritize the things that are within her control, and to let the rest of the worries slide. She told me that I really didn’t understand her scenario as this wasn’t something she could work her way out of through positive thinking, but is like a wall of low self esteem that blocks her everywhere she turns. I told her I thought she was great, but then she told me I only said that “because I had to” as her father. This got me pretty aggravated as she’s been playing the “poor me, I’m not good enough” card since her early teens, and it’s rubbed me so raw over time I’ve got a pretty short temper with that line of thinking at this point.
I told her she’s a smart, attractive young woman who was getting things done, and she just needed to stop wallowing in negativity and this self indulgent pity party. I told her people (in general) hated to associate with negative people who were always putting themselves down, and if that’s going to be her attitude that people’s negative and hostile reactions to her were going to be a self fulfilling prophecy.
She told me I had no clue about her emotional situation and that encouraging her to be self affirming was just annoying her because the sense of anxiety and lack of confidence was something innate and was something she felt she had no control over, and to please just leave her alone.
I have no clue what to do. I had hoped she’d have grown out of this attitude by this point. It’s almost like she’s getting something out of this self abasing negativity that has no basis in reality.
Stop telling her to control her mood through sheer force of will, and suggest that she see a doctor. Both depression and anxiety can be successfully treated through medication.
When she vents, don’t try to fix things for her just sit there and listen. (Trust me I know, it’s hard sitting there with all the functionality of a brick wall. But whatever, women seem to need it.)
As far as the actual problems she’s having; meh, pretty sure this is the norm for most 22yo girls.
You’re right, I should probably just let it go. She’s an adult, but even so she’s still my little girl and it’s real tough just to sit there listening to her talk about her anxiety and self esteem issues without making some proactive suggestions.
I second what twickster said. I started anti-depressant therapy about six months ago, and I can honestly say that I am a new man because of it.
If only I’d had the [del]balls[/del] courage to speak up when I first starting noticing symptoms when I was 19ish, I’d be a much more successful person today.
My dad makes the pro-active suggestions and tells me I’m beautiful. I may shrug it off in front of him but it is much appreciated, and I have the feeling your daughter very much appreciates the things you tell her.
Wow. I had at least one discussion like this with my Dad when I was younger. I had what turned out to be depression. A crippling, life-destroying biochemical imbalance that almost killed me more than once.
Here’s what my Dad said when I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling: You’re too smart for that.
I can strongly recommend Burns’ Feeling Good Handbook. It’s a great intro to cognitive behavioral therapy, and a practical way for her to start gaining control over her mood and breaking away from the feeling that it’s something innate. The book looks a bit cheesy from the cover, but the techniques inside are solid and well-tested.
Since the subject is already a sore spot between you and her, you might want to hand her a copy and tell her that this really smart guy online recommended it (a white lie wouldn’t be too bad, right?), and otherwise give her some space about the whole thing.
You might find a few sessions with a therapist for yourself to be useful, to help you get a better understanding of what your daughter is going through, and to deal with your “short temper with that line of thinking” which is, while understandable, undoubtedly exacerbating the problem for her. Otherwise, off the top of my head I can recommend any books by Martin Seligman for some insight into depression and anxiety, and how to handle it.
Face it, Daddy telling her she’s great isn’t going to do any good. However, a good therapist can help her work through these issues and rebuild her self-esteem and world-view. Look into both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and regular “talk” therapy.
I’m not a big fan of the medications, although they work great for many people, but a therapist can assist in that area also if needed. But therapy + meds will do a lot more good than just meds.
If this has been going on for a decade, it’s obviously not something that’s just going to go away - she needs help. Something beyond you gritching at her and telling her to “get over it”, which doesn’t help at all.
I was depressed for years. Part of it was the situation I was in but over time your thinking changes your brain chemistry. Antidepressants helped me along with therapy to get my thinking straight.
There are more antidepressants out there than SSRIs, though. The depressed person’s mileage may vary, but Wellbutrin (a norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor) was a flippin’ wonder drug for me when I was on it.
And yes, CBT may well be a good avenue for her to explore, because it does work on changing those thought and behavior patterns. She may in fact be “getting something” out of her negativity (her version of ‘normal’, sadly), but it’s probably a kind of a feedback loop that she is too mentally exhausted or terrified to stray out of, and she could use some help.
No, I think making proactive suggestions is a good thing - the only problem is that yours weren’t. From what you say, it sounds like she’s in a classic downward spiral of anxiety and depression. She feels like she’s deficient - not good enough, not pretty enough, not successful enough. These are not fun things to feel, and I guarantee, she wants nothing more than to stop feeling them. She seems to realize they are not normal reactions to her life in general, and knows she really shouldn’t be feeling this way.
So when you try to cheer her up and point out to her the reasons she *should *be happy, and ways she *should *be able to make herself feel better, you only emphasize that she deficient, because she is incapable of doing this thing she should be able to do. When you try to point out that there will be negative consequences if she doesn’t change, you’re really just salting the wounds. It would be like telling someone who had just been in a horrible accident, “You know, if you don’t regain use of your hands, you’ll never play piano again.”
Bottom line, no one chooses to wake up with anxiety every morning and walk around hating themselves all day. Sure, there are people who are grouchy, antisocial crabs, but they’re happy that way, and have no desire to change. She clearly is unhappy the way she is, and so I have to assume that if she could just change her attitude, she would.
I agree with twickster, the best suggestion you can make is for her to see a doctor.
Everything got worse, I had crippling anxiety attacks and did not leave my apartment over the summer previous to my senior year of college other than for class. What did I have to be worried about?, I had a great boyfriend, a great job on campus doing research, a great family and friends.
Therapy and SSRI’s pulled me out of it. Get her to a therapist and make an appointment with her regular doc as well so they can work in concert to help her.
Depression and anxiety don’t make sense, that is why they are “abnormal” conditions.
As her parent, you can’t fix her and make it right. I know you want to, but you need to get her professional help to get this straightened out.
If you think this is “the norm for most 22yo girls”, you know some pretty messed up girls. I’ve known many, many 22 year-old girls - and have been one, myself - and can tell you this isn’t normal for any of them.
Regardless of whether it’s something normal that everyone goes through or is in fact her own special hell, she’s unhappy and wants to change, but she doesn’t feel like she can. It seems like the obvious solution, then, is to find someone who can help her change. Can’t do something on your own? Get help. Hardly the most radical idea, to me.
It’s not so much a “letting it go” thing as it is a “don’t fix it just be a listener” thing. You’ve officially stepped in it and have to step back. Men hear a problem and want to fix it. Women tell their problems looking for a sympathetic ear. It’s hard to be helpful by not trying to fix stuff.
What’s worse is that you now have to figure out if she needs active help with depression without letting her know you are trying to fix her problems.
And you don’t have to be forceful about medical intervention, but you can bring it up as an option and she may pick up on it. When I was depressed I balked at the idea of inpatient treatment but knowing it was there was a relief, that if I really had to go there was an option that would allow me to just rest and work on this thing. “Do you think it might help to talk to someone?” is a gentle way to introduce the topic, not like she’s failed and there’s no other help for it. Therapy or a doc she trusts is a safe place.
If she honestly can’t see past that wall, she may need professional help to do it. And that’s Ok, it doesn’t mean she’s crazy or a failure.