Focus on the positive, don’t cultivate the negative. Reach out to the people close to you and be honest, you need help not a handout. Don’t put your faith in money and medication, these are just tools no goals. Happy are the haves and unhappy are the have nots, we all know this isn’t true.
But most of all realise that you are the one who’s in control of your own life.
Does your employer provide EAP services? The Employee Assistance Programs, through HR, can provide mental health help and referrals.
What kind of positive outcome do you expect by posting this on the Internet?
I never never asked for anything from the Dope (though I did consider a donation thread for my classroom, something extremely verifiable and not in any way a cash donation - but I ended up buying them myself). Total amount of cash recieved: $0. Total amount of cash I’ve given over the year: around $200. Care package for someone I didnt even know: 1. That anxiety thing also covers the things I care about, even if it’s just internet strangers.
My son eats breakfast for lunch every Friday. It’s his thing. Sometimes it’s an egg and cheese sandwhich, sometimes it’s Cheerios and fruit. That’s not the entire meal and I won’t even apologize for that. But yeah, sometimes I’m so stressed out I don’t want to go to the grocery store and he gets Cheerios for his main course on a Wednesday. I never claimed he had ‘nothing but cereal’. For Chrissake. If you guys wanted to make me feel worse, there’s a Pit thread for that. I really did hope some Dopers would help because I’ve seen them help others in the past. I’ve tried to offer advice as well. I’m of the opinion that no one should have to suffer.
There’s no need to be a jerk. When I tried suicide a few years ago, the constant thing in my head was that *I’m not good enough…I’m not a good enough mother…I am anxious taking my kid to the museum…*etc. I am a lot better now than before -we go out on ‘dates’ every Friday - but I see myself slipping in that direction and I’m frustrated becuase I’m without a shrink this time.
My dad had worked out an agreement with my old shrink and he never paid the bill. It’s in the thousands of dollars. However, when I called (not knowing about this past bill), he said he’d be willing to see me. I do have to pay $250/session, though. Instead of 2x week counseling, I’ll have once every two months check-ins.
It took a lot of guts to make that initial phone call. Hell, I don’t even like ordering pizza. And it was 3 back and forth messages before we finally connected.
I do what I can with the best I have. I may be young, naive (sometimes I think I’m more negative, than naive), but I have a good heart - a really big one - and sometimes it makes me stressed and other times it just gets me into trouble. But that’s also why I have notes and cards from kids on my bulletin board. I may be anxious right now going to work, but when I get there, I’m great. I just don’t show my panic. It’s a skill most people have and it’s not abnormal for people with anxiety disorders (to have that one thing where you’re almost normal).
The sliding scale places had long wait lists. I think I need meds now.
I’m also quite shocked that Kolga, who supposedly has some psych training and works about five miles from me, is getting off on taunting me constantly. In about three minutes, she’ll be back in here talking about my childhood again.
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Does your Rabbi know about all these issues in your life? Have you asked him or her to point you to someone who can help you get mental health care?
I feel your pain, OP. I feel your pain. There’s no easy answer IMO.
I don’t know your employment situation, aside from you are a teacher of some sort, but depending on your income you could qualify for Medicaid because you have a small child. It would cover you both. If nothing else, most (all?) states have coverage offered for kids when they’re not covered otherwise. Call your local department of jobs and family services and ask for help. Keep calling. Be persistent.
This is all assuming you’re in the U.S.
My brother has been going thru this for years. I want to tell you that you may not think you are all that functional, but you are 100x more functional than he is. You are raising a child and doing a good job at it, and doing the best you can. That is a lot better than a lot of people. My brother does not have the responsibilities you do and I am sure he would be crushed by them. He cannot drive or ride in a car or bus and is limited to an area within a few blocks from his apartment - everything he may need must be within that area. When his computer hard drive broke he was devastated for a while as it is a coping mechanism for him. My point is you are doing better than you think, based on what you wrote.
I agree with the other posts to try to find professional help for yourself ASAP. There are resources out there, even with the way the system is currently set-up. My bro has identified and accessed help with little intervention from me. When he is feeling anxious, I try to tell him to be present and to deal only with the things he needs to deal with now, or today, and other stuff can keep until some other time. All I can say is please do not give up.
The child support puts me over the bump - they count it as income. But there is a colorado plus program. I tried to make an appt last week but then I was so panicky and depressed I didn’t make it. According to my friend, it’s hard to find mental help with it though. I am trying. I’ll make another appt and drag myself to it, even if I’m breathing heavy and sweating buckets.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Go to a doctor and tell him/her this. I did, because my dog was deteriorating muscularly and $6,000 couldn’t tell us what was wrong. I got to the point where it hurt to swallow, chest hurt all the time, never slept. Got Clonazepam at .5 mg which is nowhere near addictive but believe me, the first time I took it I suddenly relaxed. The change in me was damn near a miracle. And it’s not expensive on some insurance plans.
Something tells me she will be particularly receptive to this suggestion.
Now I’m confused.
If this is the case why did you even mention the cereal thing as an issue in your OP? When you say, “Sometimes my son eats cereal in his sack lunch because I couldn’t make it to the store” that reads as though you are ashamed of this and that you only do so because you literally have no other food to send with him to school. If this is a normal thing and he gets plenty of other food along with cereal what were you so upset about?
That opens up some questions about the rest of your OP. When you said, “I can’t take my son out as much as I want to. I can’t take him to birthday parties every weekend because there are other parents there and I’m soooo anxious all week that on the weekends I need to crawl into bed where it’s safe.” I read that as you literally spend two days not leaving your bed except to go to the bathroom. If that isn’t true and you’re just a homebody then why is it an issue, especially if you are taking him out every Friday night?
When you said, "I spent most of 2011 in my house. I didn’t have a job - couldn’t find one til August. We had a hard time eating and my dad had to give me rent money several times " I read that as you literally only left you house a handful of times over an 8 month period. I also connected this to the cereal issue you mentioned since you say getting enough food was difficult. Together this sounds like your son is undernourished and has been for more than a year. You’ve since stated that is not the case so then why did you mention it if it isn’t a problem?
If you were just upset when you posted and virtually wailing and gnashing your teeth that’s fine, I get that. If you don’t state up front that you are being hyperbolic though that creates a problem because most people reading this will assume you actually meant what you said and tell you that your son might be better off elsewhere. Not everyone is comfortable offering huggles to someone that they think might be hurting their kid, no matter how unintentional the harm might be.
CitizenPained, you go to temple on the regular, right? You need to take advantage of this resource. Go to the Rabbi or his wife or somebody. If they can’t help you somehow, then those people just ain’t no good.
Looks to me like you have been given lots of good advise. What are you hoping for if you aren’t asking for “anything” (i.e. money)?
I am ashamed because I meticulously plan out his lunches. Because I want him to have the best. Because it is not normal to be scared of Safeway. That is shameful. I hate myself. Doesn’t matter if he loves his Cherrios, Craisins & banana main course - it’s there because the anxiety of leaving was too much and we still had some food in the house and maybe we’re out of salad dressing or Quorn (his meal has to be vegetarian kosher).
But I have a system for things. Fridays is breakfast day. Every other Friday I get up early (4:45) and make him an egg and cheese for lunch (and breakfast). Fridays we go to shul (with the exception of today - he’s with a friend tonight) and usually eat at the Mexican place across the street or make homemade pizza or something. Sundays I get up before he does and I make him eggs.
I have not been taking him out as much, but still most times. We did go out last week down the street, even with the snow, because I promised we could. What I am trying to say is that the anxiety is increasing and I’m afraid I don’t know what to do. I want to lie in bed all day - the past few months I’ve had a couple of those, pissing around on the computer while he gets some free Wii time or is at my aunt’s house - but I’m pushing, pushing, pushing. It is easier to take him to dinner after karate class than it is to go one of those damned birthday parties.
For social reasons - yes.
Because I don’t like to feed my kid cheap junk, but sometimes it* was* mac and cheese and Hebrew nationals or a burrito dinner. It was a rough year, because I was living off of child support and my dad’s sporadic generosity.
I’m close with the Rabbi’s wife. I’ll send a note. The Rabbi helped me pay for my first major dental appointment from his discretionary fund (I think I mentioned it on here), so I don’t want finances, and I don’t think he does counseling. Also, I’ve been to their house, so it’s weird. But maybe the Mrs. Rabbi can at least drag me out of the house and offer emotional support.
I really do think I need to be put back on meds, though. I’m just sinking. I keep wishing I’ll get hit by a bus. Every morning I’ve woke up and thought, “Fuck. It’s not Friday.” And I LOVE my job.
My old one is for 1mg, I think. Maybe I need Ativan? I’ve poked into my emergency stash (kept the bottle when I knew I’d be running out of health care) but I’m not sure how well it’s working.
Maybe ask them to help you find a counselor who will charge a sliding fee. Or at least something a lot less than $250/hour.
Is there a JCC nearby? If so, perhaps someone there can offer some assistance. Maybe they can help with the underemployment situation or provide childcare or help you track down some mental health services.
You need to take advantage of the do-gooders in your community.
There’s a Jewish family services. They have sliding scale counseling. I am very scared to go. I do trust my old doc - that’s the thing, an M.D. doing psych therapy is $250/hr. i could have him for med management and the other for counseling.
I haven’t seen my old doc in months. I just stopped after a year. (Long story.) Even though I think he has faults (or we don’t always mesh), I know him well and I wouldn’t have to “re-explain” everything.
At least get on the list for the sliding fee places. It might make you feel better to even take that kind of step. FWIW, that’s the sort of place I go and my doctor at the ‘free clinic’ is the best doctor I’ve ever seen in all my years of needing psych treatment.