<inserty witty title about German childbirth here>

OK, I won’t link directly, since there’s cartoon nudity, but if you go to http://www.planetdan.net/pics/babies/index.htm, you will not be able to contain the laughter.

The image of the child being born is priceless. It’s like he’s saying:

Here I am! Give me bratwurst!

You know what’s fun?

When you don’t know German very well, so you make up your own phrases.

“Here is the baby.”

“Here are the mommy and the daddy.”

“Here are the mommy and the daddy getting their freak on.”

ElzaHub didn’t seem to find it as funny as I did.


So she’s a natural blonde.

<insertys witty title on your behalf>

bouv, I must respectfully inquire: what the hell? :wink: That is just…disturbing, although I did rather like the part where you can see the sperm making their intrepid Teutonic way toward the egg.

Sprechen sie Deutsch, anyone? I can’t be the only one dying for a translation.

I imagine Kraftwerk playing the background.

Page 1: Here you see a baby. Do you know how this baby came into the world?
Page 2: Here you see Father and Mother. They had the baby together.
Page 3: Here mother and father don’t have any clothes on. You can see Mother’s breast and slit. The slit is called vagina. You can see father’s weiner(?). The weiner is called member. You can also see the little bag between father’s legs. It is called scrotum.
Page 4: Mother and father love each other a lot. The kiss each other. Father’s member became big. It stands firmly out. Mother and father would like very much for father’s member to come inside mother’s vagina. That is beautiful.
Page 5: Mother and lie down on the bed. They bring the member in the vagina. Then they can play together. Mother and father rock back and forth. That is called sleeping together. It can be very fun. Then mother and father can have a child when they want it.
Page 6: Mother and father love each other. The would like to have a child. In the scrotum are many small sperm. When mother and father sleep together, the sperm come out of the member. The sperm swim inside mother’s vagina and go inside a hole in mother’s belly. This hole is called the womb. From time to time there is an egg here.
Page 7: Many days pass. Nine months have gone by since the sperm and egg found themselves together. Now the child is so big that it wants out.
Page 8: Mother’s belly has become so big that almost no dress will fit. “I can feel how the womb contracts,” says the mother to the father. “Now is nearly the time for me to bring our child into the world .”
Page 9: Father drives mother to the clinic.
Page 10: Mother lies down at the clinic in bed. Then comes a doctor and speaks with the mother and father. The doctor will help the mother with the birth of the baby.
Page 11: Then the mother begins to birth. First the baby’s head comes out of mother’s vagina.
Page 12: Then comes the arms of the baby.
Page 13: Now the baby has come all the way out. The doctor has cut the umbilical cord. The afterbirth is also out. Now the child is born.
Page 14: Mother and baby relax for a few days. Then they come back home. When the baby is hungry, it drinks milk from mother’s breasts.

I’m not a native speaker, but I tried to get the spirit right on some of the slang.

Without your help,bouv, I never would have learned that the German word for placenta literally translates to “mother cake”. Danke schön!

I love the shot with the baby’s head and arms coming out.

Now I know why I fathered loved Schlitz

That book really summed up the fertilization process nicely.

I can’t see this book selling well in the US. Prudish parents’ reactions would be something like “A book about SEX! For CHILDREN! If we teach children about sex, CHILDREN WILL HAVE SEX!”

Hee hee! That is actually exactly what I would expect from a German sex education book for kindergartners.

The funny thing is that is more or less what they are saying.

Admiral Crunch You made many mistakes.

You can see Mother’s breasts, the breasts that have made her a star of sheiss movies. And her vagina, the finest on E street! You can see Father’s weiner, filled with German meat and wrapped in German skin, such weiners are the pride of the Fatherland. You can see a little bag between Father’s legs. This not just there so Mother can grind her stilleto heels on it. Inside that bag swim millions of Germans- musicians, painters, neo-expressionist film makers, and perhaps even the German who will take the pretzel to a whole new level.

Mother and Father lust after each other like the stray cats that scream in the night. They exchange spittle in hungry, desperate kisses. Father’s weiner becomes a blood sausage. Mother commands her slave to pleasure her. Earlier that day, Father was a good slave and was in a film with a Rottweiler, so MOther will allow him to come inside her. Father shouts that Mother is beautiful. Mother agrees that she is beautiful.

The proud weiner enters the glorious hole of the dominatrix. Mother and Father engage in bloodplay. Father pounds away like a crazed bull. Mother is bored and has fallen asleep. Father is having fun. Father wants a child.

Mother does not love Father and does not want his child. But, the German sperm in Father’s scrotum are smart and strong. They charge from Father’s weiner and into the vagina. The defenses are overrun. The sperm advance on the womb. A single, heroic sperm makes a daring attack on the egg.

Now the child has grown big and strong, and hungers for beer and Bavarian cream pies.

“Now it is nearly time for me to bring your repulsive and unworthy child into the world.”

Father drives Mother to the clinic in the Volkwagen. Mother loves the Volkswagen. “At least one thing in the house should be gorgeous, powerful, and longlasting.” she says.

Then comes a doctor who has worked in som medical fetish films with Mother and Father. The doctor will help Mother with the birth of the baby, and with her plans to sell it to a foreign couple.


Page 11: Then the mother begins to birth. First the baby’s head comes out of mother’s vagina.
Page 12: Then comes the arms of the baby.
Page 13: Now the baby has come all the way out. The doctor has cut the umbilical cord. The afterbirth is also out. Now the child is born.


Page 13- Now, the inferior child is all the way out. The doctor has cut the parasite’s umbilical cord. The afterbirth is also out. Now, Mother can sell the thing.

Mother and baby relax for a few days. Then, the baby is sold. Mother and Father go back home. Strange men pay many marks to drink milk from Mother’s breasts.

Last night, just as I was drifting off to sleep, I got caught up in a giggle-fit, seriously annoying Bird Man and preventing me falling asleep. I blame you, bouv.

Clean and efficient German sex, no less.

Who the hell told them that pillowcase went with those sheets?!

Erm, why is the doctor holding a HAMMER on pg 20???

BTW, that was hilarious!!

Probably the same person who told Father that lime green pants were just the thing to go with his red and yellow striped sweater.

“Visit Germany. Don’t worry, the new Germany is totally colorblind.”